A 1DATL1LAM 


-L  "••-" 


XEW    YORK: 
111  13  W  A  R  I)       L  I  V  !  .  17  MORE, 

20      B  E  E  K  M  A  N      6  T  E  E  E  T . 
1855. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1855,  by 

EDWAED  LIVEKMOEE, 
In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the.  District  Court  for  tho  Southern  District  of  Now  York 


Tress  of  Geo.  C.  Rand,  20  Beekman  St. 


E.   CRAIGHEAD,   PRINTER  AND"  6* T^""1 *"""^ 

53  r«»<?y  sto**,  jr.  r: 


THIS  IS  NEITHER 

A  HISTORY,   ROMANCE,   LIFE-DRAMA,  BIOGRAPHY, 
AUTOBIOGRAPHY, 

NOB 

POST    MORTEM    EXAMINATION, 

BUT  A  SERIES  OP 


WITHOUT    MALICE    AFOBITHOUGHT 


BY  THE  SINGLE  HERO  TIIEKEOF, 


PURELY     FOR     HJJL    OWN      GLORIFICATION, 


AND  FEINTED  BY  THE  PUBLISHES 


SOLELY     FOR      HIS     OWN     PROFIT. 


395721 


Ix  a  literary  point  of  view  this  book  claims  nothing  : 

This  is  the  manufacturer's  assertion. 

In  a  literary  point  of  view  this  book  amounts  to 
nothing. 

This  will  be  the  reader's  conclusion. 

And  if  any  skeptical  person  insists  upon  investigating 
the  matter  for  himself,  he  will  eventually  be  compelled 
to  acknowledge  the  verity  of  this  remark  ;  and  will,  at 
the  same  tkne,  bear  a  strong  testimony  to  the  sagacity 
of  the  publisher,  who  has  put  his  trust  in  nothing— -for 
he  wiU  have  bought  the  book. 

This  work  simply  professes  to  be  sketches  of  various 
persons,  places,  and  events — some  of  which  have  been 
published,  and  some  hav'  n't ;  some  are  bad,  and  some 
are  worse  ;  but  all  have  a  claim  to  originality  in  treat- 


VI  TOTHBRBADBR. 

ment,  although  the  same  tilings  may  have  been  better 
said  by  better  people. 

Some  of  these  bubbles  have  been,  for  some  time, 
floating  on  the  sea  of  literature — the  lightest  froth  of  the 
restless  wave ;  still  there  are  many  of  them  which  have 
never  met  the  public  eye,  and  which  are  here,  for  the 
first  time,  set  afloat. 

And  for  their  publication  the  writer  makes  no 
apology.  Accident  has  brought  these  "  airy  nothings  " 
into  notice ;  and  although  many  of  the  thoughts  are 
not  novel  in  themselves,  but  are  merely  whimsically 
put,  and  not  a  few  of  the  whims  are  borrowed  unhe 
sitatingly  from  others,  they  are  dressed  up  in  a  lingual 
garb  so  quaint,  eccentric,  fantastic,  or  extravagant,  that 
each  lender  would  be  sadly  puzzled  to  know  his  own. 

It  is  undoubtedly  this  trick  of  phrase,  this  affectation 
of  a  new-found  style,  which  has  caused  their  wide 
spread  newspaper  notoriety.  And  in  the  hope  that 
people  will  buy  the  book  before  the  trick  is  stale,  and 
not  suspect  the  secret  of  the  joke  until  they  read  it 
on  this  page,  the  writer  has  authorized  the  collection  of 
these  roving  unsubstantial  ink-brats  into  their  present 
shelter,  and  now  presents  the  whole  uncouth  family 


TO    THB    READER.  vu 

for  inspection,  trusting  that  the  experiment  will  "put 
money  in  the  purse,"  not  only  of  himself,  but  of  his 
sanguine  publisher. 

This  book,  like  Hodge's  razors,  was  "  made  to  sell  ;  " 
and  if  the  sometime  good-natured  world  will  pay  the 
price,  and  have  its  huge  grim  smile  over  these  unlicked 
fancies  —  although  in  a  political,  moral,  or  utilitarian 
sense  it  will  have  gained  nothing  —  it  will,  in  a  literal 
if  not  literary  view,  lose  nothing. 

But  if  it  is  in  a  surly  mood,  and  chooses  to  look  with 
dignified  contempt  upon  this  avowed  and  candid  literary 
humbug,  some  one  will  be  disappointed  to  think  he  has 
miscalculated  the  fickle  taste  of  the  aforesaid  world, 
and  some  one  will  be  out  of  pocket  by  its  sulky  humor  ; 
but  of  these  persons,  their  whereabouts,  their  circum 
stances,  or  their  names,  the  world  can  say  nothing, 
because  it  will  know  nothing;  no,  nothing. 

Q.  K.  PHILANDER  DOESTICKS,  P.  B. 


Yor>K,  June,  1S55. 


0f 


•  PAGE 

How  Doesticks  came  to  think  of  it,    ...  .18 

Hears  a  voice— Determined. 

II. 
Doesticks  satisfies  Philander, 18 

Writing  a  book. 

in. 

Niagara, 25 

IV. 

Doesticks  on  a  Bender, 26 

Feels  sublime— Laboring  under  difficulties. 
Y. 

Seeking  a  Fortune — Railroad  Felicities, 33 

Leaves  Home — Arrives  in  Gotham. 

YL 

Seeing  the  Lions — Barnum's  Museum, 40 

Talks  to  Philander— Admires  the  Fountain— Visits  Barnum's— Sees  a 
Free  Fight. 

VIL 

Model  Boarding  Houses, 49 

Finds  a  Boarding  House — Has  another  home — Content. 

VHL 

Potency  of  Croton  "Water,  or   an    Aqueous   Quality   hitherto 
unknown, 57 

Croton  Water — Doesticks  at  Burton's — At  Home. 


CONTENTS. 


-  PAGE 

Modern  Witchcraft,    .........     64 

Doesticks1  Eeflections—  Visits  a  Fortuno  Teller. 

X. 
City  Target  Excursion,       ........     73 

Becomes  a  Military  Man—  Describes  his  Company—  Attends  the  drill- 
Wins  the  prize. 

XL 

t  New  Patent  Medicine  Operation,  ......     84 

Patent  Balsam—  Eeceives  Testimonials—  Shows  how  it  works—  Sells  for 
cash. 

XII. 
Kunuing  with  the  "  Masheen,"   .......     92 

Goes  to  a  Fire—  Displays  his  Courage—  Gets  into  a  row—  makes  his  will. 

XIII. 

Street  Preaching  —  A  Zealous  Trio  and  a  Pweligious  Controversy,    102 
In  Rhode  Island—  Hears  Gabriel—  Shows  what  can  be  done. 

XIV. 
Disappointed  Love,    .........  110 

Sees   Calanthe    Maria  —  Becomes  Devoted  —  In    Extacies  —  Learns  his 
Folly  —  Love  dissipated. 

XV. 

Modern  Patent  Piety  —  Church-going  in  the  City,       .         .         .120 
Goes  to  Church  —  Hears  the  organ  —  Looks  about  him  —  Conclusions. 

XVI. 

Benevolence  run  mad  —  Charitable  Cheating,     ....   130 
Goes  to  a  Ball—  Attends  a  Fair—  Solicited—  Makes  an  investment—  Medi 
tates. 

XVII. 

Millerite  Jubilee  —  How  they  didn't  go  up,          .  140 

Sees  the  Millerites—  Cogitates—  Offers  a  resolution. 

XVIII. 
The  great  "  American  Tragedian,"     ......  148 

Visits  the  Theatre—  Observations—  Awe-stricken—  Touched  to  the  heart. 

XIX. 
"  Side  Shows"  of  the  City,          .......   159 

Descriptions-  -Suggestions  —  Sees  Bowery  Sights  —  Describes  the  auirnals. 


COX  T  E  NTS.  XI 


PACK 

K"ew  Year's  Day  in  Xew  York,          ......  1G9 

Sleeping  Friend—  New  Year's  Calls—  Observes  the  Callers—  Hears  the 
music—  Good  Night. 

XXL 

Amusement  for  the  Million  —  A  2.40  Sleigh  Ride,       .         .         .180 
With  a  fast  nag—  In  a  crowd—  Enjoys  the  ride—  Upsets—  Speaks  of  the 
(irk. 

XXII. 

Cupid  in  Cold  "Weather—  Valentine's  Day,          .         .         .         .193 
Opinion  of  Valentines—  Receives  some. 

XXIIL 
The  Kentucky  Tavern,       ........  200 

In  Kentucky—  At  Breakfast—  Return  to  Michigan. 

XXIV. 

The  River  Darkies,    .........  206 

On  a  Steamboat—  Negro  Concert—  Kentucky  Pumpkins. 

XXV. 
The  Thespian  "Wig  wain,      ........  215 

Looks  about  him  —  The  curtain  goes  up—  An  interesting  pair. 

XXVI. 

Theatricals  again  —  A  Xight  at  the  Bovrery,  .         .         .  228 

Beads  the  Bill—  Describes  the  Company—  Satisfied. 

XXVII. 

Mysterious  Secrets  of    the  K.  X's.  —  A  Midnight  Initiation  — 
Philander  fooled,    .........  241 

Initiated—  Instructed—  Hoaxed. 

XXVIII. 
A  Diabolical  Conspiracy  —  A  Shanghuo  Infernal  Machine,  .  248 

Doesticks'  Shanghae—  In  Tribulation. 

XXIX. 

An  Evening  Avith  the  Spiritualists  —  Rampant  Ghostology,          .  253 
Doestieks  and  the  Medium—  Comma  ne  with  the  Spirit—  Gets  infor 
mation. 


Xll  CONTENTS. 

XXX.  PAGJ8 

Special  Express  from  Dog  Paradise — A  Canine  Ghost,          .         .  262 
Doesticks1  Dog  Speaks  to  him — Hears  his  wrongs — Speaks  of  his  dis 
course. 

XXXI. 

'Lection  Day — "  Paddy"  versus  "  Sara," 271 

Investigates — Votes,  and  is  challenged — Announces  Hoggs'  Election. 

XXXII. 

Police  Adventures — Mayor  "Wood  Around,         .         .         .         .283 
Applies  for  office  of  M.  P.— Accepted  and  takes  his  station— Eepri- 
manded — Discharged. 

XXXIII. 

Daraphool  defunct — Place  of  his  Exile — Description  thereof — 
and  Exit, 292 

Dislikes  Damphool's  retreat — Behearses  his  faults  and  failings — admires 
his  traits  of  character— Bids  him  farewell. 

XXXIV. 

Keeping  the  Maine  Law, 305 

Notes  the  change  in  the  times— Inspects  the  cellar— Tries  the  vintages. 

XXXV. 

Theatricals    once    more — Shakspeare    darkeyized — Macbeth  in 
high  Colors, 313 

Descriptions — Sees  Macbeth — Describes  the  characters — Views  of  the 
Death  Scene. 

XXXVI. 

Young  America  in  Long  Dresses — Great  Excitement  in  Baby- 
dom, 323 

Visits  the  Baby  Show— Describes  the  babies— Speaks  of  the  Prizes. 


O;^Vf      ;      QjiT          C^ 

88pi  le  Saps. 

0  io^  ^ 


fjoto  gocsticlts  came  to  tljinli  of  it 

is  not  pretended  that  this  volume  is  a  work  of 
inspiration,  or  that  any  portion  of  it  has  been 
revealed  by  accommodating  "Spirits"  through  the 
"  Medium"  of  those  crack-brained  masculine  women, 
or  addle-headed  feminine  men  who  profess  to  act  as 
go-betweens  from  Earth  to  the  Spirit  World. 

!N"o  part  of  it  has  been  "rapped"  out  by  uneasy 
tables,  or  thumped  out  by  dancing  chairs ;  Doctor 
Franklin  didn't  dictate  it ;  Lord  Byron  didn't  write 
it;  Napoleon  wasn't  consulted  about  it;  Cardinal 
Richelieu  didn't  have  a  finger  in  it ;  George  the  Third 
hadn't  anything  to  do  with  it ;  Shakspeare  didn't  sug- 


14  ^  ktf  ENTICES. 

gest  anything  in  it ;  and  Benedict  Arnold  didn't  know 
anything  about  it. 

That  these  worthies  might  have  afforded  much 
valuable  information,  offered  many  important  im 
provements,  and  enriched  the  book  with  a  host  of 
wise  opinions,  had  some  sapient  "Medium"  asked 
their  assistance,  is  unquestionable.  But  as  neither 
Andrew  Jackson  Davis,  or  any  other  spiritual  call- 
boy  was  at  the  elbow  of  the  writer  to  summon  these 
desirable  but  defunct  individuals,  they  were  probably 
left  to  pursue,  in  unmolested  peace,  their  favorite 
and  dignified  occupations  of  u  tipping"  tables,  knock 
ing  on  partitions,  drumming  on  floors,  frightening 
old  women  and  little  girls  into  hysterics,  and  up 
setting  the  propriety  of  whole  parlors  full  of  furni 
ture,  whole  closets  full  of  glass-ware,  and  wThole 
cup-boards  full  of  pots,  pans  and  other  kitchen  gear. 
For  in  such  intellectual  and  elevated  employments 
are  great  men's  ghosts  engaged,  when  they  pass  into 
a  more  refined  state  of  existence,  if  we  may  credit 
the  assertions  of  the  self-styled  " Spiritualists" 

But,  unassisted,  and  alone,  I,  the  writer,  have  un 
dertaken  this  mighty  wTork,  instigated  only  by  the 
Spirits  hereinafter  referred  to,  and  by  the  representa 
tions  of  my  publisher. 


HEARS     A     VOICE.  15 

Although  at  present  neither  celebrated  nor  noto 
rious,  I  have  a  presentiment  that  I  am  speedily  about 
to  become  one  or  the  other.  Through  an  accidental 
rip  in  the  curtain  of  futurity,  I  have  caught  a  glimpse 
of  the  Goddess  of  Fame.  I  have  heard  her  sing  out 
from  her  rather  elevated  position  for  me  to  come  up 
and  take  a  "  hasty  plate"  of  glory ;  and  I  have  not 
the  heart  to  refuse  the  request  of  such  a  good-looking 
female,  preferred  in  such  elegant  language.  I  am 
going  to  shin  up  the  slippery  rope  leading  to  her 
aerial  temple  (for  accurate  dimensions  and  appear 
ance,  see  engraving  in  the  old  Elementary  Spelling 
Book),  for  the  purpose  of  taking  a  hand  in  the  game 
of  literary  renown,  trusting  that  Nature  has  given 
me  trumps  enough  to  make  the  "  game,"  and  that 
Fortune  will  deal  me  all  "  the  honors." 

For  weeks  I  have  been  haunted  perpetually  by  a 
voice — not  a  "  still,  small  voice" — but  a  large  voice, 
a  considerable  voice;  a  voice  vociferous,  unctuous, 
and  ever-present,  and  withal  insinuating,  and  not 
wholly  distasteful.  It  has  been  constant  in  my  ear, 
suggesting  pleasing  hopes  and  fanciful  desires  ;  and 
though  its  notes  were  often  varied,  yet  ever  was  the 
theme  the  same :  and  the  constant  burden  of  that 
ceaseless  song  was,  "  Write  a  book  !  write  a  book  !" 


16  DOE8TICKS. 

And  in  dreams,  too,  visions  of  good-looking  ladies 
with  wings,  came  into  my  7x9  chamber,  and  whis 
pered  in  my  ear,  and  they  too  said,  ""Write  a  book! 
write  a  book!" — and  one  I  thought,  with  versi 
colored  plumage,  with  her  finger  on  her  lip,  quoted  the 
perpetually  murdered  Shakspeare  prophetically,  and, 
no  doubt,  with  an  eye  to  the  success  of  the  volume 
aforesaid,  and  said,  suiting  with  a  fairy-like  gesture 
the  action  to  the  word,  "  I  could  a  tale  unfold." 
And  plucking  a  snowy  quill,  she  gave  it  to  me, 
murmuring,  as  did  all  the  rest,  "Write  a  book! 
write  a  book !" 

Awoke — put  on  my  pantaloons  and  boots,  and  in 
my  shirt  sleeves  sat  down  to  cogitate.  Result  is,  that 
I  shall  use  the  lengthy  quill — I  shall  accept  the 
pressing  invitation  of  the  Goddess  of  Fame ;  and  in 
order  most  effectually  to  t&Vtinguisli  or  <?a?-tinguish 
myself,  hereby  with  malice  aforethought,  and  the 
penalty  of  a  failure  before  my  eyes,  I  sit  down  to 
write  a  book. 

But  my  physician  informs  me  that  I  have  got  the 
"  cacoethes  scribendi,"  which  he  says  is  as  bad  as 
the  small-pox,  toothache,  and  yellow  fever.  The  dis 
ease,  he  says,  must  have  its  course — it  may  end  in  a 
malignant  biography — result  in  an  infectious  broad- 


DETERMINED.  17 

sword  and  blunderbuss,  yellow  covered  novel,  or 
degenerate  into  a  weak  form  of  pseudo-sentimental 
verse  writing,  in  which  latter  case,  on  the  appearance 
of  the  first  symptom  he  intends  to  order  me  a  lite 
rary  tombstone. 

Having  fully  determined  upon  making  this  literary 
effort,  it  became  necessary  to  make  up  my  mind  as 
to  what  should  be  the  contents  of  the  work.  A 
mental  cogitation  ensued.  Philander  was  puzzled 
to  know  what  Doesticks  was  going  to  write  about — • 
Philander  asked  Doesticks — whereupon  Doesticks, 
in  order  to  satisfy  Philander,  replied  as  follows,  upon 
hearing  which  reply  Philander  was  content. 


II. 


satisfies 


>IIAT  it  will  be  all  about,  time  alone  will 
show,  for  although  I  have  done  a  little  of 
almost  everything,  it  has  in  most  instances  been  so 
little,  that  a  premeditated  autobiography  would  pro 
bably  lack  incident,  and  be  deficient  in  interest.  I 
have  not  as  yet  invented  humbugs  enough  to  earn  a 
Prince-ly  title,  and  not  having  made  a  fortune  by 
ingenious  trickery,  metallic  impudence  and  barefaced 
deception,  cannot  edify  the  "  darling  public,  "  by  tell 
ing  how  the  thing  is  done. 

Never  having  made  fierce  love  to  a  lady  against 
her  will,  followed  her  from  place  to  place  in  the 
small-beer  spirit  of  presumptuous  puppyism,  been 
outwitted  by  her  at  last,  and  left  to  cool  my  amo 
rous  passion  in  a  prison,  the  story  of  my  courtship 
and  its  consequence,  would  not  prove  attractive. 

As  I  have  ever  been  on  good  terms  with  my 


WRITING     A     BOOK.  19 

family,  I  feel  no  desire,  under  the  guise  of  a  fictitious 
narrative,  to  call  any  members  of  it  miserly  and 
mean,  purse-proud  and  haughty,  or  to  say  that  others 
are  conceited,  vain,  selfish,  silly,  foppish,  or  weak- 
brained. 

Novel  writing  is  out  of  the  question.  I  have  tried 
that,  but  met  with  serious  difficulties.  I  couldn't 
keep  my  hero  of  the  same  nation — in  the  first  chap 
ter  I  made  him  a  Spaniard ;  two  pages  afterward  he 
was  an  English  nobleman  ;  in  the  fourth  chapter  ai: 
Oriental  juggler,  balancing  a  bamboo  ladder  on  his 
nose,  and  making  a  fig-tree  grow  out  of  the  calf  of 
his  leg — and  so  on,  successively,  an  Italian  image- 
seller,  a  Dutch  burgomaster,  a  South  American 
Indian,  and  a  Mississippi  steamboat  pilot. 

I  had  as  much  difficulty  in  permanently  locating 
the  country  of  my  fictitious  favorite,  as  the  Know- 
Nothing  party  of  Xew  York  in  the  late  election  had, 
in  determining  the  nativity  of  their  candidate  for 
Governor,  whose  chances  of  election  were  fair  while 
he  was  thought  to  be  an  American,  but  who  was 
finally  defeated  on  the  ground  that  he  was  a  Hindoo, 
and  owned  stock  in  the  car  of  Juggernaut.  Poetry 
has  been  overdone  ;  the  gentle  art  has  culminated  in 
a  recent  "  Spasmodic  Tragedy,''  and  in  the  sublime 


20  DOES  TICKS. 

effusions  of  K.  E".  PEPPER,  ESQ..  whose  matchless  lays 
have  won  for  him  undying  fame,  and  the  admiration 
of  several ;  and  who  so  outruns  competition  that 
there  is  nothing  left  to  be  done  in  that  direction. 

In  the  play-writing  vein,  I  have  also  failed ;  not 
from  any  lack  of  merit  in  my  drama,  as  the  manager 
solemnly  assured  me,  but  because  he  had  not  the 
menagerie  requisite  to  its  proper  representation. 
Improving  upon  the  hint  offered  by  the  managers  of 
the  "  Thespian  Wigwam"  who  have  added  an  ele 
phant  and  a  circus  company  to  their  company  of 
"  gifted  artists,"  I  had  introduced  into  my  play  a 
rhinoceros,  a  lioness,  two  hyenas,  a  team  of  "  two- 
forty  "  reindeers,  a  couple  of  ostriches,  and  a'muley- 
cow, — and  even  then  there  was  but  a  slight  obstacle 
— the  manager  might  have  procured  the  animals, 
but  he  was  afraid  the  cow  would  quarrel  with  the 
rhinoceros,  and  so  disturb  the  harmony  of  his  esta 
blishment. 

But  this  book,  Philander,  it  will  be  impossible  to 
class  as  strictly  either  classic,  scientific,  historical, 
humorous,  or  descriptive.  Fantastic  and  extrava 
gant  it  will  be  in  many  things ;  but  we  will  do  our 
best  to  make  it  agreeable  to  the  palate  of  the  public. 
I  promise  everything,  like  all  book-makers,  and  I 


WRITING     A     BOOE.  21 

shall  afterwards  perform  what  is  convenient,  follow 
ing  the  same  reliable  precedent. 

My  book  shall  be  full  of  love  and  poetry  to  suit 
the  "  fast"  young  ladies,  and  shall  be  written  in  easy 
words  of  two  syllables  to  meet  the  necessities  of  the 
"  fast"  young  men. 

I  shall  praise,  flatter,  and  commend  everybody  and 
everything,  that  everyone  may  receive  his  meed  of 
approbation  ;  and  I  shall  also  censure,  find  fault,  and 
criticise  in  an  equally  universal  manner,  that  no  one 
may  escape  his  proper  castigation. 

I  shall  set  forth  a  great  multitude  of  fancies,  theo 
ries,  and  hypotheses,  that  those  who  are  fond  of  inno 
vation  may  not  lack  gratification  ;  and  I  shall  imme 
diately  proceed  to  controvert  and  deny  them  all,  that 
the  conservative  portion  of  community  be  not  offended. 

I  shall  cry  down  education  and  instruction,  for 
there  are  those  who  consider  all  teaching  an  evil ; 

O  * 

and  on  the  other  hand,  I  shall  advocate  learning  and 
science,  for  there  is  a  very  respectable  minority 
which  insist  that  the  people  may  advantageously  be 
taught  something  more. 

I  shall  not  stand  up  for  love  and  charity,  for  it 
might  induce  people  to  love  the  wrong  persons,  and 
to  give  their  pennies  to  iinposters ;  and  yet  I  shall 


22  DOESTICKS. 

not  eulogize  avarice  and  hate,  for  there  are  a  few  who 
think  benevolence  and  kindness  preferable  even  to 
these. 

I  shall  not  throw  my  influence  in  the  scale  of  Pro 
testantism  lest  the  Catholics  should  take  offence,  nor 
yet  shall  strive  to  build  up  Catholicism,  lest  thereby 
the  dislike  of  the  Orthodoxy  be  incurred.  Nor  shall 
I  show  myself  a  partisan  of  religion  of  any  kind,  for 
the  Atheist  says  it  is  all  a  farce.  Neither  shall  I  en 
deavor  to  inculcate  principles  of  infidelity,  for  there 
is  still  an  occasional  prejudice  in  favor  of  Chris 
tianity. 

It  will  be  "  a  work  which  no  gentleman's  library 
should  be  without."  It  is  considered  necessary  to 
the  safety  of  the  Union,  that  its  democratic  principles 
be  thoroughly  disseminated,  and  it  is  indispensable 
to  the  stability  of  the  English  throne  that  its  mo 
narchical  doctrines  be  thoroughly  comprehended. 
Every  man,  woman,  child,  canal  driver,  billiard 
marker,  faro  dealer,  and  member  of  Congress  will  be 
provided  with  a  copy,  thereby  preserving  the  Union, 
destroying  our  liberties,  and  keeping  unsullied  the 
honor  and  dignity  of  "  OUR  FLAG." 

I  hope  the  public  will  be  as  well  satisfied  by  this 


SATISFIES. PHILANDER.  23 

eloquent  speech  as  Philander  was,  that  this  book  is 
one  of  immense^  utility,  and  will  consequently  peruse 
the  same  with  a  huge  degree  of  gratification. 


Doesticks    on    a    Bender. 


III. 


never  given  to  accepting  the  decisions  of 
others  as  gospel  in  any  cases  where  it  was  pos 
sible  for  me  to  manufacture  a  home-made  opinion  of 
my  own  ;  and  I  did  not  greatly  wonder  at  myself  when 
I  discovered  that  my  emotions,  when  I  first  beheld 
that  great  aqueous  brag  of  universal  Yankeedom, 
Xiagara,  were  not  of  the  stereotyped  and  gene 
ral  ly-considered-to-be-necessary — sort.  The  letter 
which  follows,  and  which  is  all  the  reminiscence  of 
my  visit  extant,  was  published  soon  after,  and  ex 
tensively  copied,  and  was,  in  fact,  the  first  article 

which  bore  the  name  of  Doesticks. 
2 


IV. 


0n  a 


tHAYE  been  to  Niagara  —  you  know  Niagara 
Falls  —  big  rocks,  water,  foam,  Table  Rock, 
Indian  curiosities,  squaws,  moccasins,  stuffed  snakes, 
rapids,  wolves,  Clifton  House,  suspension  bridge,  place 
where  the  water  runs  swift,  the  ladies  faint,  scream, 
and  get  the  paint  washed  off  their  faces  ;  where  the 
aristocratic  Indian  ladies  sit  on  the  dirt  and  make 
little  bags  ;  where  all  the  inhabitants  swindle  stran 
gers  ;  where  the  cars  go  in  a  hurry,  the  waiters  are 
impudent,  and  all  the  small  boys  swear. 

When  I  came  in  sight  of  the  suspension  "bridge,  I 
was  vividly  impressed  with  the  idea  that  it  was 
"  some"  bridge  ;  in  fact,  a  considerable  curiosity,  and 
a  "  considerable"  bridge.  Took  a  glass  of  beer  and 
walked  up  to  the  Falls  ;  another  glass  of  beer  and 
walked  under  the  Falls  ;  wanted  another  glass  of 
beer,  but  couldn't  get  it  ;  walked  away  from  the 


FEELS     SUB LIME.  29 

Falls,  wet  through,  mad,  triumphant,  victorious ; 
humbug !  humbug !  Sir,  all  humbug !  except  the 
dampness  of  everything,  which  is  a  moist  certainty, 
and  the  cupidity  of  everybody,  which  is  a  diabolical 
fact,  and  the  Indians  and  niggers  everywhere,  which 
is  a  satanic  truth. 

Another  glass  of  beer —  'twas  forthcoming — im 
mediately — also  another,  all  of  which  I  drank.  I 
then  proceeded  to  drink  a  glass  of  beer  ;  went  over 
to  the  States,  where  I  procured  a  glass  of  beer — 
went  up-stairs,  for  which  I  paid  a  sixpence  ;  over  to 
Goat  Island,  for  which  I  disbursed  twenty-five  cents ; 
hired  a  guide,  to  whom  I  paid  half  a  dollar — sneezed 
four  times,  at  nine  cents  a  sneeze — went  up  on  the 
tower  for  a  quarter  of  a  dollar,  and  looked  at  the 
Falls — didn't  feel  sublime  any ;  tried  to,  but  couldn't ; 
took  some  beer,  and  tried  again,  but  failed — drank 
a  glass  of  beer  and  began  to  feel  better — thought 
the  waters  were  sent  for  and  were  on  a  journey  to 

the ;  thought  the  place  below  was  one  sea  of 

beer — was  going  to  jump  down  and  get  some  ;  guide 
held  me ;  sent  him  over  to  the  hotel  to  get  a  glass 
of  beer,  while  I  tried  to  write  some  poetry — result  as 
follows : 

Oh  thou  (spray  in  one  eye)  awful,  (small  lobster 


30  DOES  TICKS. 

in  one  shoe,)  sublime  (both  feet  wet)  master-piece  of 
(what  a  lie)  the  Almighty  !  terrible  and  majestic  art 
thou  in  thy  tremendous  might — awful  (orful)  to  be 
hold,  (cramp  in  my  right  shoulder,)  gigantic,  huge 
and  nice  !  Oh,  thou  that  tumblest  down  and  riseth 
up  again  in  misty  majesty  to  heaven — thou  glorious 
parent  of  a  thousand  rainbows — what  a  huge,  grand, 
awful,  terrible,  tremendous,  infinite,  old  swindling 
humbug  you  are  ;  what  are  you  doing  there,  you 
rapids,  you — you  know  you've  tumbled  over  there, 
and  can't  get  up  again  to  save  your  puny  existence ; 
you  make  a  great  fuss,  don't  you  ? 

Man  came  back  with  the  beer,  drank  it  to  the  last 
drop,  and  wished  there  had  been  a  gallon  more — 
walked  out  on  a  rock  to  the  edge  of  the  fall,  woman 
on  the  shore  very  much  frightened — I  told  her  not 
to  get  excited  if  I  fell  over,  as  I  would  step  right  up 
again — it  would  not  be  much  of  a  fall  anyhow — got 
a  glass  of  beer  of  a  man,  another  of  a  woman,  and 
another  of  two  small  boys  with  a  pail — fifteen  minutes 
elapsed,  when  I  purchased  some  more  of  an  Indian 
woman,  and  imbibed  it  through  a  straw  ;  it  wasn't 
good — had  to  get  a  glass  of  beer  to  take  the  taste  out 
of  my  mouth  ;  legs  began  to  tangle  up,  eifects  of  the 
spray  in  my  eyes,  got  hungry  and  wanted  something 


LABOEING     UNDEK     DIFFICULTIES.       31 

to  eat — went  into  an  eating-house,  called  for  a  plate 
of  beans,  when  the  plate  brought  the  waiter  in  his 
hand.  I  took  it,  hung  up  my  beef  and  beans  on  a 
nail,  eat  my  hat,  paid  the  dollar  a  nigger,  and  sided 
out  on  the  step- walk,  bought  a  boy  of  a  glass  of  dog 
with  a  small  beer  and  a  neck  on  his  tail,  with  a 
collar  with  a  spot  on  the  end — felt  funny,  sick — got 
some  soda-water  in  a  tin-cup,  drank  the  cup  and 
placed  the  soda  on  the  counter,  and  paid  for  the 
money  full  of  pocket — very  bad  headache  ;  rubbed  it 
against  the  lamp-post  and  then  stumped  along; 
station-house  came  along  and  said  if  I  did  not  go 
straight  he'd  take  me  to  the  watchman — tried  to 
oblige  the  station-house,  very  civil  station-house, 
very — met  a  baby  with  an  Irish  woman  and  a  wheel 
barrow  in  it ;  couldn't  get  out  of  the  way ;  she 
wouldn't  walk  on  the  sidewalk,  but  insisted  on  going 
on  both  sides  of  the  street  at  once ;  tried  to  walk 
between  her ;  consequence  collision,  awful,  knocked 
out  the  wheelbarrow's  nose,  broke  the  Irish  woman 
all  to  pieces,  baby  loose,  court-house  handy,  took  me 
to  the  constable,  jury  sat  on  me,  and  the  jail  said  the 
magistrate  must  take  me  to  the  constable ;  objected  ; 
the  dungeon  put  me  into  the  darkest  constable  in  tho 


DOES  TICKS. 


city ;  got  out,  and  here  I  am,  prepared  to  stick  to 
my  original  opinion. 

Niagara,  non  est  excelsus  (ego  fui)  Immbug  est ! 
indignus  admirationi ! 


• 


V. 


§tel;ing  a  fortune— gail  gaai  Jtlieities. 

men  in  the  west,  when  they  get  too  lazy 
to  plough,  drive  oxen,  and  dig  potatoes,  inva 
riably  either  go  to  studying  Law,  Physic,  or  Divinity, 
or  emigrate  to  INew  York  to  make  their  fortunes. 
Hence  the  inundation  of  two-and-sixpenny  pettifog 
gers,  the  abundant  crop  of  innocent-looking  juvenile 
M.  D's,  and  the  army  of  weak-eyed  preachers,  whose 
original  simplicity  is  too  deeply  rooted  to  be  ever 
overgrown  by  the  cares  of  after  life.  The  portion  of 
our  country  known  as  "  the  West"  sends  forth  every 
year  scores  of  these  misguided  innocents,  who,  had 
they  stayed  at  home,  might  have  grown  up  into  tolera 
ble  farmers,  or  even  been  cultivated  into  respectable 
mechanics,  but  who,  being  once  thrown  into  the  whirl 
of  city  life,  degenerate  into  puny  clerks  with  not  half 
salary  enough  to  pay  for  their  patent-leather  boots. 
It  is  a  curious  fact  that  two-thirds  of  the  young 


34:  DOESTICKS. 

men  from  the  country,  their  first  year  in  the  metro 
polis,  do  not  receive  as  a  remuneration  for  their 
valuable  services  a  sum  sufficient  to  keep  them  in 
theatre  tickets. 

If  a  committee  of  their  employers  should  be 
detailed  to  investigate  the  hidden  pecuniary  foun 
tain  whence  these  young  men  obtain  the  funds 
many  of  them  lavish  so  freely,  the  said  committee 
would  be  considerably  astonished  to  find  out  how 
much  more  champagne  and  oysters  the  N.  Y.  mer 
chants  pay  for  than  the  most  knowing  of  them  are 
aware  of;  and  their  wives  would  be  astounded  to 
learn  how  many  bracelets  and  diamond  pins  had 
been  presented  to  ladies  of  the  theatre  and  ballet, 
and  bought  with  their  husbands'  money.  And  many 
a  country  mother  would  mourn  to  hear  that  her 
darling  had,  in  the  first  six  months  of  his  city  life, 
learned  to  practise  more  vices  than  she  had  ever  heard 
of,  and  among  his  other  attainments,  had  acquired 
the  elegant  city  accomplishment  of  spending  his 
employer's  money  as  freely  as  if  it  was  his  own. 

And  in  due  course  of  time  the  writer  of  this 
paragraph,  wearied  of  the  eternal  sameness  of  a 
country  village,  the  same  unvarying  prospect  of  ox- 
teams,  hay-scales,  errant  swine,  and  wandering 


LEA  YES     HOME.  35 

disconsolate  ccws,  took  the  roving  fever  and  resolved 
to  visit  Gotham,  looking  for  a  cure. 

Packed  up  my  traps  in  a  red  box,  kissed  all  my 
friends  who  had  clean  faces,  and  bade  a  long  fare 
well  to  the  aspiring  village  (which  had  long  since 
assumed  the  name  of  city,  but  had  never  grown 
large  enough  to  n't  the  appellation,  and  for  this 
reason  always  reminded  me  of  a  boy  with  his  father's 
boots  on,)  where  I  had  vegetated  for  several  years  ; 
took  a  last  look  at  its  town-pump,  its  grocery,  and 
its  court-house  square  without  any  fence  round  it ; 
feasted  my  eyes  for  the  last  time  upon  the  dusty 
charms  of  the  seminary  girls  who  are  perpetually 
going  to  the  story-and-a-half  post-office  for  letters 
which  never  come  ;  rode  to  the  railroad  for  the  last 
time  in  the  four-wheeled  smoke-house,  which,  from 
early  youth,  had  been  impressed  upon  my  ignorant 
simplicity  as  an  omnibus  ;  arid  taking  my  seat  in  the 
cars,  left  without  many  tears  the  town  where  I  had 
treasured  up  such  stores  of  classic  knowledge  under 
the  consistent  inattention  of  teachers  who  had  been 
paid  to  neglect  my  education. 

Paid  the  man  with  the  brass  door-plate  on  him, 
sixteen  dollars  and  a  half  for  a  dirty  piece  of  paste 
board, — hung  up  iny  carpet-bag  on  a  hook  which 


36  DOES  TICKS. 

immediately  broke  down,  and  let  the  aforesaid  bag 
drop  on  the  bonnet  of  a  populous  lady  with  a  pair  of 
twins,  whom  it  completely  demolished  for  the  time 
— settled  myself  in  my  seat  for  a  comfortable  nap — • 
was  continually  roused  therefrom  by  the  door-plate 
man,  who  seemed  to  have  a  mania  for  inspecting  the 
dirty  pasteboard  every  fifteen  minutes — got  my 
mouth  full  of  dust  and  cinders,  which  I  converted 
into  a  mortar-bed  in  my  stomach  by  drinking  warm 
water  from  the  spout  of  a  water-pot  (brought  round 
by  the  boy  who  expects  you  to  buy  his  greasy 
apples  and  ancient  newspapers  as  a  compensation 
for  the  temporary  dilution) — changed  cars  about 
twenty  times,  and  had  the  satisfaction  of  seeing  my 
trunk  pitched  about  by  the  vindictive  baggage 
men  at  every  step,  as  if  they  were  under  obligations 
to  knock  it  to  pieces  in  the  least  possible  space  of 
time.  (When  it  arrived  at  the  end  of  my  journey 
the  lock  was  broken,  the  hinges  pulled  off,  and  a 
large  hole  punched  in  the  end,  so  that  I  found  my 
clean  shirts  full  of  gravel,  and  that  a  piece  of' brick 
which  had  got  in  through  the  place  where  the  lock 
had  been,  had  been  rubbed  against  a  daguerreotype 
of  my  lady-love,  thereby  demolishing  her  left  eve  and 
scratching  the  top  of  her  head  off.)  Kocle  all  night ; 


ENJOYS     RAILROADING.  37 

every  time  I  would  get  into  an  uncomfortable  doze 
the  train  would  stop,  more  passengers  come  in,  and 
I  would  have  to  vacate  my  seat  to  accommodate 
some  woman  with  three  children  and  a  multitude  of 
bundles  (a  woman  in  a  railroad  car  always  occupies 
four  times  as  much  room  as  she  pays  for,  generally 
turning  over  the  back  of  the  seat  next  to  her,  and 
occupying  one  place  for  herself  and  the  other  three 
for  her  provisions  and  bandboxes) — then  finding 
another  place,  and  getting  into  an  uneasy  dream 
about  earthquakes,  wash-tii;  -.  —drums,  and 
threshing-machines,  and  waking  up  with  a  sudden 
choke  when  some  unusually  large  cinder  got  into  my 
mouth — coming  to  a  sudden  stop  at  some  side  station 
and  finding  my  anatomical  constituents  in  a  most 
uncomfortable  state  of  paralysis ;  my  arms  last  asleep 
and  feeling  like  frozen  sausages ;  my  other  extremi 
ties  ditto,  and  with  no  more  feeling  in  them  than  in 
a  bass-wood  log ;  having  a  dim  consciousness  that 
something  was  wrong,  and  endeavoring  to  navigate 
by  means  of  the  benumbed  members  before  alluded 
to,  and  get  out  doors  to  see  what  the  matter 
and  in  the  attempt  falling  over  the  stove  and  knock 
ing  my  teeth  out  against  the  coal-hod — being  called 
at  four  o'clock  in  the  morning  to  assist  in  the  dismal 


38  DOESTICKS. 

farce  of  breakfast,  and  sitting  down  (with  my  hat  on 
and  my  hands  dirty,  in  order  to  be  in  the  fashion) 
at  a  long  table  where  the  crockery  looks  as  if  it  had 
not  been  washed  in  a  month,  and  the  only  visible 
viands  are  cold  biscuits,  hard-boiled  eggs,  and  des 
pairing  mutton-chops  struggling  inextricably  in  a 
tallowy  ocean — where  the  half-awake  waiters  bring 
you  apple-pie  in  place  of  coffee,  and  pour  the  hot 
water  down  your  back,  and  spill  the  sugar  in  your 
hair — where,  in  the  midst  of  your  second  mouthful, 
you  are  called  upon  to  suspend  operations  and  pay 
half  a  dollar  to  a  man  with  uncombed  hair  who  gives 
you  wild-cat  paper  and  crossed  quarters  in  exchange 
for  your  Yankee  gold — and  where,  before  the  third 
morsel  reaches  your  expectant  lips,  the  bell  rings, 
the  malicious  engine  gives  its  vicious  shriek,  and  you 
are  hurried,  swindled  and  starving,  into  the  cars 
again. 

In  this  delectable  manner  for  two  days  and  nights 
I  was  hurried,  hustled,  and  tumbled  towards  my 
journey's  end — reached  my  destination  at  last, 
crossed  the  North  River  in  one  of  those  ferry-boats 
which  run  either  end  first  like  a  crab,  and  on  my 
arrival  was  instantly  attacked  by  a  crowd  of  runners, 
was  forcibly  thrust  into  a  hack,  the  remains  of  my 


ARRIVES     IN     GOTHAM.  69 

trunk  tossed  at  my  feet,  and  in  obedience  to  my 
panting  request,  I  was  driven  to  that  hotel,  the 
cognomen  whereof  is  simultaneously  suggestive  of 
holy  men  and  of  the  adversary. 


VI. 


Swing  %  f  ions—  garnmu's 


S  soon  as  I  had  become  comfortably  established 
as  a  citizen  of  New  York,  and  had  replaced 
the  straw  hat  with  a  green  ribbon,  which  decorated 
my  head  at  the  time  of  my  metropolitan  advent, 
by  a  shining  beaver  with  white  fur  on  the  under 
side  ;  had  run  in  debt  for  a  new  suit  of  clothes,  and 
sold  my  trunk  to  buy  a  set  of  gold  shirt-studs,  I 
began  to  assume  that  knowing  air  of  superiority 
which  ever  distinguishes  the  thorough-bred  city  man 
from  his  country  cousins. 

I  made  up  my  mind  to  devote  the  next  six  months 
of  my  valuable  time,  to  seeing  the  sights,  and  be 
coming  acquainted  with  the  celebrities  of  the  town. 
To  this  end  I  proposed  to  visit  the  various  places  of 
amusement,  to  go  on  excursions,  join  volunteer  com 
panies,  run  to  fires,  in  short,  to  make  myself  ever- 
present,  wherever  there  was  anything  to  be  seen, 


TALKS     TO     PHILANDER. 

to  which  the  verdant  eyes  of  a  backwoods  "Wolverine 
were  unaccustomed.  • 

I  addressed  myself  a  speech  wherein  I  remarked, 
"  Phil,  you  have  now  been  a  resident  of  this  city 
long  enough  to  know  something  of  the  localities 
thereto  appertaining — know  where  the  City  Hall  is 
— ditto  Hospital.  Also  where  the  Astor  House  is 
generally  located — can  tell  the  general  direction  of 
Mercer  and  Bowery  streets  from  the  Crystal  Palace 
— and  can  at  most  times  of  day  point  out  Trinity 
Church  with  a  tolerable  degree  of  accuracy. 

"  But  there  are,  nevertheless,  sundry  other  points 
of  interest,  with  which  you  should  become  familiar, 
and  divers  other  objects  whose  names  you  should  re 
member,  that  hereafter  you  may  not  mistake  a  Grand 
Street  stage  for  a  perambulating  Circus  wagon ;  or 
again,  point  out  the  Wall  Street  Ferry  House  to  a 
friend  and  assure  him  it  is  the  Hippodrome  building, 
but  be  able  after  this  to  give  reliable  and  correct  in 
formation  on  these  points  to  all  who  ask." 

Accordingly,  since  that  time,  I  have  striven  hard 
to  acquire  such  a  knowledge  of  the  city  that  I  could 
find  any  of  the  theatres  without  a  Directory,  and 
get  home  at  any  time  of  night  without  the  escort 
of  a  Policeman. 


42  DOESTICKS. 

Have  been  to  the  Battery,  for  which  I  paid  a 
shilling  to  the  dilapidated  Hibernian  who  attends 
the  iron  portal — afterwards  visited  (by  particular 
desire,)  the  cocked-hat  shaped  Sahara  known  as  the 
"  City  Hall  Square" — saw  the  splendid  fountain  with 
its  symmetrical  basin  filled  with  golden  fishes  (as  I 
was  credibly  informed) — I  could  not  exactly  perceive 
them  myself — in  the  midst  of  its  elegant  miniature 
forest  (yet  in  its  infancy) — gazed  with  admiration 
at  the  ancient  structure  denominated  the  City  Hall 
— said  to  have  been  built  by  the  ancient  Greeks,  of 
which  I  have  not  the  slightest  doubt,  as  all  the 
avenues  leading  thereto  were  thronged  with  modern 
Greeks,  whose  general  costume  was  not  so  classically 
correct  as  I  could  have  wished — looked  at  the  glorious 
fountain  which  adorns  the  centre  of  the  spacious 
lawn — admired  the  magnificent  proportions  of  the 
vast  forest  trees  which  rear  their  lofty  forms  therein 
— gazed  long  and  earnestly  at  the  glittering  jet  (not 
quite  so  lofty  as  I  had  been  led  to  suppose,)  of  the 
magnificent  fountain  which  embellishes  the  princely 
grounds — then  turned  to  look  at  a  circular  edifice, 
which,  I  confess,  did  not  strike  me  as  being  remark 
able  for  architectural  beauty,  but  wrhich  undoubtedly 
is  exceedingly  useful — then  turned  to  feast  my  won- 


ADM  IRE-S     THE     FOUNTAIN.  43 

dering  eyes  upon  the  diamond-glittering  drops  of  a 
fountain  near  at  hand ;  looked  with  much  approba 
tion  upon  the  wide  and  spacious  avenues,  and  the 
clearly  gravelled  walks,  and  also  at  a  fountain  near 
by,  which  I  think  I  have  before  mentioned ;  surveyed 
the  other  fine  buildings  near  at  hand,  which  adorn 
and  beautify  that  triangular  piece  of  earth ;  and  ever 
returned  with  constantly  increasing  gratification  to 
view  a  beautiful  lake  in  the  centre  thereof,  from  the 
midst  of  which  burst  forth  in  aqueous  glory  the 
waters  of  a  fountain ;  soon,  convinced  that  I  had 
seen  my  money's  worth,  prepared  to  leave — casting 
one  longing,  lingering  look  behind  (as  my  friend  L. 
E.  G.  Gray  says,)  at  the  glorious  old  classic  ruin,  the 
hall,  and  the  pluvial  splendors  of  the  fountain. 

Went  out,  but  looking  back,  perceived  that  in  the 
splendid  park  I  had  just  left,  there  rose  in  "  misty 
majesty"  (vide  somebody,)  the  jet  of  a  fountain.  Re 
solved  to  return  and  have  another  look  at  the  ivied 
and  crumbling  ruins,  and  also  to  inspect  minutely  a 
fountain  which  I  now  perceived  hard  by. 

Wishing  to  be  perfectly  posted  up,  I  went  to  the 
Post  office  (the  Evening  Post  office),  and  obtained  a 
paper  containing  the  latest  news  of  the  day,  and 
also  a  list  of  entertainments  for  the  evening.  Desir- 


44:  DOESTICKS. 

ing  to  see  the  Museum,  of  which  I  had  read,  and 
also  to  behold  Barnum,  of  whom  I  had  heard  some 
mention,  in  connection,  I  think,  with  one  Thomas 
Thumb,  and  Joice  Heth,  an  antiquated  and  vene 
rable  lady,  colored  (who  afterwards  died),  I  deter 
mined  instantly  to  visit  that  place  of  delectation, 
"  perfectly  regardless  of  expense." 

Arrived  at  the  door,  man  demanded  a  quarter, 
but,  like  Byron's  Dream,  "  I  had  no  further  change," 
so  was  necessitated  to  get  a  bill  broke ;  offered  him 
Washtenaw,  but  that  was  too  effectually  broke  to 
suit  his  purpose.  Got  in  somehow,  after  a  lengthy 
delay,  and  some  internal  profanity. 

Soon  after  my  entrance,  young  man,  attired  in  a 
dress-coat,  a  huge  standing  collar,  and  a  high  hat, 
introduced  himself  as  "  A.  Damphool,  Esq.,"  gentle 
man  of  leisure,  and  man  about  town.  Having  never 
before  had  any  experience  of  a  class  of  individuals 
who  compose,  I  am  told,  a  large  proportion  of  the 
masculine  population  of  the  city,  I  eagerly  embraced 
the  opportunity  of  making  his  acquaintance. 

He  also  presented  his  friend  "  Mr.  Bull  Dogge," 
and  we  three  then  proceeded  to  view  the  curiosities  ; 
we  commenced  with  the  double-barreled  nigger  baby 
(which  Bull  Dogge  says  is  an  illegitimate  devil), — 


VISITS     BARN  UM'S.  45 

went  on  to  the  Rhinoceros  (who  is  always  provided 
with  a  horn,  Barnum's  temperance  talk  to  the  con 
trary  nevertheless) — the  Happy  Family — the  two- 
legged  calf,  (B.  D.  says  it  is  not  the  only  one  in  the 
city),  a  red  darkey — a  green  Yankee — a  white  Irish 
man  (Damphool  says  that  this  latter  individual  is  an 
impossibility,  and  could  only  have  originated  with 
Barnum) — wax-figure  of  a  tall  man  in  a  blue  coat, 
with  a  star  on  his  breast,  (Damphool  says  it  is  a 
policeman,  who  was  found  when  he  was  wanted ; 
but  Bull  Dogge  says  there  was  never  any  such  per 
son,  and  that  the  whole  story  is  a  Gay  fable,)  found 
by  the  programme  that  it  is  supposed  to  represent 
Louis  Xapoleon ;  never  knew  before  that  he  had 
one  eye  black,  and  one  blue  (Bull  Dogge  asserts  that 
the  usual  custom  is  to  have  one  eye  both  black  and 
blue) ;  wax  model  of  the  railroad  man  who  swindled 
the  community  (now  living  on  his  money,  and  pre 
sident  of  the  Foreign  Mission  Society  for  the  sup 
pression  of  pilfering  on  the  Foo-Foo  Islands) ;  wax 
figure  of  the  abandoned,  dissolute,  and  totally  de 
praved  woman,  who  filched  half  a  loaf  of  bread  to 
give  her  hungry  children,  and  who  was  very  properly 
sent  to  BlackwelFs  Island  for  it — also  of  the  City 


46  DOESTICKS. 

Contractor  who  did  clean  the  streets — (Damphool 
states  that  he  is  residing  at  Utica). 

Saw  a  great  multitude  of  monkeys,  streaked  face, 
white  face,  black  face,  hairy  face,  bald  face  (Bull 
Dogge  prefers  the  latter),  with  a  great  assortment  of 
tails,  differing  in  length,  and  varying  as  to  color, 
long  tails,  short  tails,  stump  tails,  ring  tails,  wiry 
tails,  curly  tails,  tails  interesting  and  insinuating, 
tails  indignant  and  uncompromising,  big  tails,  little 
tails,  bob  tails,  (Damphool  suggests  Robert  narra 
tives),  and  no  tails  (Bull  Dogge  says  that  some  effe 
minate  descendants  of  this  latter  class  now  promenade 
Broadway,  and  he  swears  that  they  have  greatly 
degenerated  in  intelligence) ;  pictures,  paddles, 
pumpkins,  carriages,  corals,  lava,  boats,  breeches, 
boa  constrictors,  shells,  oars,  snakes,  toads,  butter 
flies,  lizards,  bears,  reptiles,  reprobates,  bugs,  bulls, 
bells,  bats,  birds,  petrifactions,  putrefactions,  model 
railroads,  model  churns,  model  gridirons,  model  ar 
tists,  model  babies,  cockneys,  cockades,  cockroaches, 
cocktails,  scalps,  Tliomashawks,  Noah's  ark,  Paga- 
nini's  fiddle,  Old  Grimes's  coat,  autocrats,  autobio 
graphies,  autographs,  chickens,  cheeses,  codfish, 
Shanghais,  mud- turtles,  alligators,  moose,  mermaids, 
hay-scales,  scale  armor,  monsters,  curiosities  from 


SEES     A     FREE     FIGHT.  4  7 

Rotterdam,  Amsterdam,  Beaverdam,  Chow  Sing, 
Tchinsing,  Linsing,  Lansing,  Sing  Sing,  cubebs,  cart 
wheels,  mummies,  heroes,  poets,  idiots,  maniacs,  bene 
factors,  malefactors,  pumps,  porcupines  and  pill 
machines,  all  mingled,  mixed,  and  conglomerated, 
like  a  Connecticut  chowder,  or  the  Jew  soup  of  the 
Witches  in  Macbeth. 

Upstairs  at  last,  and  into  an  adolescent  theatre, 
christened  a  Lecture  Room,  (Damphool  says  it  is 
known  as  the  Deacon's  Theatre,  and  that  all  his 
pious  namesakes  attend).  Saw  the  play,  laughed, 
cried,  and  felt  good  all  over.  Much  pleased  with 
a  bit  of  fun  originating  in  a  jealous  fireman,  and 
terminating  in  a  free  fight. 

Fireman  Mose  saw  Rose,  his  sweetheart,  with  Joe, 
the  hackman  ;  got  jealous,  pitched  into  him — fun — 
thought  of  Tom  Hood,  and  went  off  at  half-cock — 
thus — 

Enter  Rose  with  Joe — sees  Mose — Mose  beaus 
Rose  ;  Rose  knows  diose  beaux  foes — Joe's  bellicose 
— so's  Mose — Mose  blows  Joe's  nose — Joe's  blows 
pose  Mose — Rose  Oh's — Mose  hoes  Joe's  rows — Joe's 
blows  chose  Mose's  nose — Mose  shows  Joe's  nose 
blows — Joe's  nose  grows  rose — Mose  knows  Joe's 
nose  shows  those  blows — Joe  goes — Mose  crows. 


48  DOE  STICKS. 

Joe  being  whipped,  and  moreover  being  tlie  only 
innocent  one  in  the  whole  fight,  was  arrested  by  the 
vigilant  and  efficient  police. 

Damphool  says  that  Joe  treated  the  Emerald  con 
servators  of  the  public  quiet,  and  is  again  at  large. 

Let  JVlose  beware. 


VII. 


goarting  Douses. 


SMMEDIATELY  upon  my  arrival  in  the  city  of 
Newsboys  and  Three-cent  Stages,  I  proceeded,  as 
is  hereinbefore  mentioned,  to  the  white-faced  Hotel 
which  is  surmounted  by  the  bird  called  Shanghai,  who 
seems  from  the  top  of  his  lofty  perch  where  he  roosts 
in  unreachable  security,  to  crow  over  neighboring 
boroughs,  and  exult  in  the  great  glory  of  the  Man 
hattan  Island.  It  required,  however,  but  a  few  days 
to  weary  of  the  "  constant  noise  and  confusion"  of 
this  saintly  mansion,  and  to  become  sick  of  the  eter 
nal  presence  of  men  in  white  aprons  who  are  every 
where  at  the  same  time,  and  who  are,  mathemati 
cally  speaking,  a  constant  quantity. 

These  waiters  are  certainly  ubiquitous  ;  at  the 
table  there  is  one  at  each  elbow,  at  night  a  stranger 
is  escorted  to  bed  by  a  grand  procession,  and  one 
pulls  off  his  boots  while  another  unbuttons  his  shirt- 


50  DOESTICKS. 

collar,  and  a  third  lights  the  gas  and  turns  down  the 
bed-clothes  ;  a  waiter  meets  you  at  the  door,  another 
takes  away  your  overcoat  and  givef  it  to  a  waiter 
who  presents  you  with  a  brass  check  for  it — there 
are  waiters  in  the  bar,  in  the  washroom,  in  the  bar 
ber-shop,  in  the  cellar,  in  the  reading-room  ;  waiters 
running  races  through  the  halls  all  night ;  there  is 
always  a  snowy  neckerchief  and  an  outstretched 
palm  when  you  leave  the  premises,  and  on  sunshiny 
days  there  is  invariably  a  distant  glimpse  of  a  white- 
jacket  on  the  roof  of  the  house. 

As  soon  after  my  arrival  as  I  could  collect  my 
senses,  and  knew  enough  not  to  take  every  M.  P.  for 
a  foreign  ambassador,  and  pull  off'  my  hat  to  the  Star, 
I  deemed  it  advisable  to  search  for  lodgings  more 
quiet,  and  not  so  expensive. 

It  took  about  a  fortnight  to  restore  my  mind  to  its 
accustomed  serenity,  and  then  having  become,  to  a 
certain  extent,  a  fixture  in  this  high  old  town,  it  be 
came  necessary  to  search  out  a  fit  habitation,  where 
in  I  might  eat,  sleep,  change  my  shirt  (Damphool 
blushes),  and  attend  to  the  other  comforts  of  the  ex 
ternal  homo,  and  the  inner  individual. 

My  friend  Bull  Dogge  having  deserted  his  late 
place  of  residence,  (on  account  of  the  perpetual 


$  I  N  D  S     A     BOARDING     HOUSE.  51 

reign  of  salt  mackerel  at  the  breakfast  table),  we 
started  together  on  a  voyage  of  discovery.  To  de 
scribe  all  the  dilapidated  gentlewomen,  whose  apart 
ments  we  inspected — all  the  many  inducements 
which  were  used  to  persuade  us  to  take  up  our  quar 
ters  in  all  sorts  of  musty  smelling  rooms,  and  to  re 
count  how  many  promises  we  made  to  "  call  again," 
would  take  too  much  time. 

Suffice  it  to  say,  that  at  six  o'clock  in  the  evening, 
wearied  out  and  desperate,  we  cast  anchor  in  the  do 
micile  of  an  Irish  lady  with  one  eye.  She  assured 
us  that  her  boarders  were  all  "  rispictible,  and  found 
their  own  tibaccy,  and  that  there  was  divil  a  bug  in 
the  place." 

We  took  adjoining  rooms,  and  resignedly  went 
down  to  tea. 

I  noticed  that  my  cup  had  evidently  sustained  a 
compound  comminuted  fracture,  and  been  patched 
up  with  putty  (which  came  off  in  my  tea) — that  the 
bread  was  scant — the  butter  powerful — the  tea,  "  on 
the  contrary,  quite  the  reverse," — however,  although 
matters  looked  somewhat  discouraging — "  hoping 
against  hope" — we  retired  to  our  respective  rooms. 

Horror  of  horror  !  !  O  !    most   horrible  !  !  !    I  was 

besieged — had  I  been  Sebastopol  itself  I  could  not 
3 


52  DOE  STICKS. 

have  been  attacked  with  more  vigor,  or  by  more  de 
termined  and  bloodthirsty  enemies. 

For  two  hours  I  maintained  a  sanguinary  combat 
with  an  odoriferous  band  of  determined  cannibal  in 
sects — armed  only  with  a  fire-shovel,  I  gallantly  kept 
up  the  unequal  conflict — but  the  treacherous  imple 
ment  broke  at  the  critical  moment ;  I  thought  I 
should  be  compelled  to  yield — despair  filled  all  my 
senses — my  heart  failed  me — my  brain  grew  dizzy 
with  horror — hurried  thoughts  of  enemies  unpar- 
doned — of  duties  neglected — and  of  errors  com 
mitted,  rushed  across  my  mind — a  last  thought  of 
cherished  home  and  absent  friends  was  in  my  heart, 
and  with  a  hasty  prayer  for  mercy  and  forgiveness, 
was  at  the  point  of  yielding,  when  my  frantic  eye 
caught  sight  of  my  cast-iron  boot-jack.  "With  an  ex 
clamation  of  pious  gratitude  to  heaven,  (Bull  Dogge 
says  it  did  not  sound  so  to  him),  I  seized  it,  and  with 
the  desperate  strength  of  a  dying  man  I  renewed  the 
battle,  and  eventually  came  off  victorious  and 
triumphant.  Weary  with  slaughter,  I  fell  exhausted 
on  the  bed,  and  slept  till  morning ;  Bull  Dogge,  who 
had  been  engaged  in  the  same  delightful  occupation, 
appeared  at  the  breakfast  table  with  one  eye  black, 
and  his  face  spotted  like  a  he-tiger.  We  held  a 


HAS     ANOTHER     HOME.  53 

council  of  war,  and  resolved  instantly  to  quit  the 
premises  of  the  Emerald  Islander,  who  had  agreed  to 
"  lodge  and  eat  "  us  (the  she-Cyclops),  and  who  had 
so  nearly  fulfilled  the  latter  clause  by  proxy. 

Another  search  and  another  home.  Here  for  a 
week  things  went  on  tolerably  well ;  the  steak  was 
sometimes  capable  of  mastication,  the  coffee  wasn't 
always  weak,  nor  the  butter  always  strong  ;  but  one 
day  there  appeared  at  breakfast  a  dish  of  beef,  (Bull 
Dogge  asserts  that  it  was  the  fossil  remains  of  an 
omnibus  horse) — it  was  not  molested ;  at  dinner  it 
made  its  appearance  again,  still  it  was  not  disturbed  ; 
at  tea  fragments  of  it  were  visible,  but  it  yet  re 
mained  untouched  ;  in  the  morning  a  tempting  look 
ing  stew  made  its  appearance,  but,  alas !  it  was  only 
a  weak  invention  of  the  enemy  to  conceal  the 
ubiquitous  beef;  at  dinner  a  meat-pie  enshrined 
a  portion  of  the  aforesaid  beef;  it  went  away 
unharmed. 

For  a  week,  every  day,  at  every  meal,  in  every 
subtle  form,  in  some  ingenious  disguise,  still  was 
forced  upon  our  notice  this  omnipresent  beef;  it 
went  through  more  changes  than  Harlequin  in  the 
Pantomime,  and  like  that  nimble  individual  came 
always  out  uninjured. 


54:  DOES  TICKS. 

At  the  end  of  the  second  day  Bull  Dogge  grum 
bled  to  himself;  the  third  he  spoke  "  out  in  meeting ;" 
the  fourth  he  growled  audibly ;  the  fifth  he  had  an 
hour's  swear  to  himself  in  his  own  room ;  the  sixth, 
seventh,  and  eighth,  he  preserved  a  dignified  silence; 
but  his  silence  was  ominous,  on  the  ninth  day  we 
both  left. 

Our  next  landlady  had  a  gigantic  mouth,  but  her 
nose  was  a  magnificent  failure.  We  stayed  with  her 
a  week,  and  left  because  she  seemed  to  be  possessed 
of  the  idea  that  one  sausage  was  enough  for  two 
men.  For  a  month  longer  we  ran  the  gauntlet  of 
all  the  model  boarding-houses.  We  were  entrapped 
by  all  kinds  of  alluring  promises,  and  perpetually 
swindled  without  any  regard  to  decency  ;  we  had  a 
taste  of  Yankee,  French,  Dutch,  and,  I  have  men 
tioned  it  before,  (ye  gods !),  Irish  •  and  we  lived 
four  days  in  an  establishment  presided  over  by  a  red- 
eyed  darkey,  with  a  wife  the  color  of  a  new  saddle. 

At  last  one  day  in  an  agony  of  despair  I  exclaimed, 
"Where,  O  where  can  humbugged  humanity  find  a 
decent  place  to  feed  ?"  Echo  answered,  "  In  the 
eating-houses."  We  resolved  to  try  it,  and  the  re 
sult  is  glorious.  We  have  achieved  a  victory,  sir,  an 
heroic,  unexpected  victory. 


CONTENT.  55 

And  now  farewell,  all  scrawny  landladies,  ye  snuf 
fy  beldames,  with  your  wooden  smiles  ;  farewell,  ye 
viviparous  bedsteads,  ye  emaciated  feather  beds, 
and  ye  attenuated  bolsters ;  a  long  good-bye  to 
scant  blankets  and  mattresses  stuffed  with  shavings ; 
farewell  to  hirsute  butter  and  to  ancient  bread  ; 
good-bye  (I  say  it  with  a  tear,)  ye  immortal,  ever 
lasting  beef ;  farewell  to  sloppy  coffee  and  to  azure 
milk  (Damphool  says,  not  yet) ;  farewell  ye  antedilu 
vian  pies,  and  you  Lilliputian  puddings  ;  fore  well  you 
two-inch  napkins,  and  ye  holy  table-cloths  ;  farewell 
ye  empty  grates  and  rusty  coal-scuttles ;  farewell  ye 
cracked  mirrors  which  make  a  man  look  like  a 
drunken  Satyr ;  farewell  ye  respectable  chairs  with 
dislocated  limbs ;  farewell  ye  fractured  teacups,  ye 
broken  forks,  and  knives  with  handsaw  edges ;  fare 
well,  in  fact,  all  ye  lodging  houses,  where  you  can't 
have  a  latch-key,  and  where  you  can  tell  when  they 
get  a  new  hired  girl  by  the  color  of  the  hairs  in  the 
biscuit. 

(I  noticed  this  last  remarkable  fact  a  long  time 
since.) 

Give  us  joy,  for  we  have  found  a  place  where 
things  are  done  up  right,  where  we  can  choose  our 
own  viands,  where  the  beef  is  positively  tender, 


56  DOESTICKS. 

where  there  are  no  little  red  ants  in  the  sugar,  where 
the  potatoes  are  not  waxy,  and  where,  if  anything 
goes  wrong,  we  can  inflate  the  waiter. 

In  fact,  we  are  suited;  if  anything  runs  short, 
"  John  gets  particular  fits"  and  "  nuthin'  shorter  ;" 
where  we  can  eat  when  we  please,  and  call  for  what 
we  please ;  where  charges  are  moderate,  and  it  is 
permitted  to  grumble  at  the  waiter  for  nothing. 

And  here,  in  this  Elysian  spot,  have  Bull  Dogge 
and  I  taken  our  daily  bread  (beans  and  butter  in 
cluded)  for  the  past  month,  u  without  fear  and  with 
out  reproach." 

As  our  poetical  friend,  Thomas  Plus,  has  remarked, 

"  J°y>  j°y>  forever,  our  task  is  done, 
Our  trials  are  past,  and  our  Restaurant  is  some.1' 

Damphool  says  my  concluding  quotation  is  not 
strictly  correct,  but  what  does  he  know  about  it  ? 


VIII. 

Dotcntg  of  Croton   Mater,  or  an  aqueous 
quality  hitherto  wilmoton. 


has  been  a  cherished  superstition  of  our  ances 
tors  that  water  as  a  beverage  is  innocuous  ;  I  my 
self  was  laboring  under  this  infatuated  delusion  when 
I  left  the  shades  of  private  life,  and  the  sweet  reti- 
racy  of  the  swamps  of  Michigan,  to  become  a  denizen 
of  the  Island  City. 

Believing  that  my  previous  experience  in  the  ar 
ticle  justified  me  in  drinking  freely  of  the  treach 
erous  liquid,  I  did  not  hesitate  on  my  arrival  here  to 
imbibe  on  various  occasions  as  much  of  the  undi 
luted  Croton  as  my  thirsty  body  seemed  to  need. 

How  I  was  deceived  in  the  potency  of  the  fluid  a 
single  night's  experience  will  show  ;  I  am  confident 
that  on  this  particular  occasion  I  was  bewitched  by 
the  mischievous  God  of  the  stream  called  the  Cra 
ton,  and  that,  if  I  had  given  him  any  further  oppor- 


58  DOESTICKS. 

tunities  to  exercise  his  craft,  my  name  would  posi 
tively  have  appeared  in  the  Police  Reports  some 
morning,  and  Doesticks  would  have  been  therein 
stigmatized  as  "  Drunk  and  Disorderly" 

But  the  imputation  would  be  slanderous, — -I  will 
lay  before  the  public  the  events  of  a  single  night,  and 
its  verdict  shall  be  a  triumphant  vindication  of  my 
character, — shall  exculpate  the  Deity  Bacchus  (now 
resident  in  Ohio,)  from  the  grave  charge  of  leading 
me  astray, — and  lay  the  entire  blame  of  the  transac 
tion  upon  the  rascal  River  God. 

Only  once  in  my  life  have  I  been  drunk.  It  was  a 
youthful  inebriation,  caused  by  partaking  too  freely 
of  cider  made  from  apples  with  worms  in  them.  At 
present  I  am  sober.  If,  since  my  sojourn  in  this  city, 
I  have  been  intoxicated,  then  the  time  has  arrived 
when  any  person  who  wishes  to  have  a  regular 
"  drunk"  need  only  apply  to  the  nearest  hydrant. 

Heretofore  I  have  supposed  water  to  be  a  beve 
rage  innocent  and  harmless  ;  but  now — well ;  no  mat 
ter — I  will  not  anticipate.  Listen  while  I  relate  a 
"  plain,  unvarnished  tale." 

I  left  my  boarding-house  in  company  with  a  friend, 
intending  to  witness  the  Shakspearian  revival  at  Bur 
ton's — the  "  Midsummer  Night's  Dream."  Before 


CBOTONWATEK.  59 

leaving  the  hotel,  at  his  suggestion,  we  partook  of  a 
potable,  known,  I  think,  as  punch — whiskey  punch. 
I  watched  attentively  the  preparation  of  this  agree 
able  beverage,  and  I  am  certain  that  there  entered 
into  its  composition  a  certain  amount  of  water — 
Croton  water,  as  I  have  every  reason  to  believe  ;  and 
I  am  also  sure  that  in  that  treacherous  draught  I  im 
bibed  the  first  instalment  of  that  villanous  liquid 
which  produced  the  diabolical  state  of  facts  I  am 
about  to  describe  ;  and  also  that  the  second  and  third 
of  those  ingenious  inventions  (both  of  which  we 
drank  on  the  spot)  were  as  guilty,  in  this  respect,  as 
their  "  illustrious  predecessor  !" 

And  I  furthermore  conscientiously  state  that  my 
glass  of  brandy  (one  of  a  couple  we  ordered  soon 
afterwards),  and  which,  according  to  my  invariable 
custom,  should  have  been  "  straight"  was  also  sur 
reptitiously  diluted  with  the  same  detestable  fluid  by 
the  malicious  bar-keeper,  for  I  remember  experien 
cing  a  slight  confusion  on  going  out,  and  mistaking  a 
topsail  schooner  for  the  Broadway  theatre. 

"We  immediately  entered  another  saloon  to  procure 
the  wherewith  to  steady  our  nerves,  when  we  par 
took  of  two  gin  cocktails  and  a  brandy  smash  indivi 
dually,  and  I  state,  according  to  the  best  of  my 


60  DOESTICKS. 

knowledge  and  belief,  that  our  principal  ingredient 
in  each  and  every  one  of  these  compounds  was  wa 
ter — Croton  water — culpably  introduced  therein  by 
some  evil-disposed  persons  without  my  knowledge  or 
consent. 

On  leaving  this  saloon,  I  noticed  that  my  friend, 
although  a  single  man,  had  by  some  mysterious  pro 
cess  of  multiplication  become  two.  I  kept  fast  hold 
of  both,  and,  after  doubling,  with  a  great  deal  of 
difficulty,  a  great  number  and  variety  of  corners, 
we  reached  Burton's.  Tickets  being  mysteriously 
procured,  we  entered,  and  eventually  obtained  seats. 
Finding,  after  prolonged  trial,  that  it  was  impractica 
ble  to  put  my  hat  in  my  vest  pocket,  I  placed  it  on 
the  floor,  and  put  both  feet  in  it.  The  theatre  gene 
rally  seemed  to  be  somewhat  mixed  up.  The  par- 
quette,  gallery,  and  dress  circle  were  all  one ;  and 
the  stage  was  whirling  round  at  a  rate  which  must 
have  been  extremely  inconvenient  to  the  revolving 
actors. 

At  length,  after  a  liberal  allowance  of  overture, 
the  curtain  went  up,  and  I  was  enabled,  by  the  most 
unremitting  attention,  to  concentrate  the  actors  suffi 
ciently  to  understand  the  performance.  And  many 
tilings  which  I  hitherto  deemed  dramatically  in- 


61 

correct  were  presented  to  my  wondering  vision  then 
and  there. 

"  Hippolyta"  was  dressed  in  knee-breeches  and 
brogans,  and  "Titania"  did  not,  to  me,  present  a 
very  fairy-like  appearance  in  a  fireman's  red  shirt 
and  a  three-cocked  hat.  "  Oberon"  was  not  so  ob 
jectionable  (being  a  gentleman,)  in  a  talma  and 
plaid  pantaloons,  though  even  he  might  have  blacked 
his  boots  and  omitted  the  spurs.  I  fear  I  did  not 
properly  appreciate  the  rest  of  the  fairies,  who  had 
their  heads  decorated  with  sunflowers  and  their 
hands  full  of  onions. 

At  last  the  entertainment  was  concluded,  and  I 
remember  consulting  with  my  duplicated  friend  as 
to  the  feasibility  of  a  return  to  Brooklyn,  to  our 
boarding-house.  On  our  journey  thither  we  wit 
nessed  many  strange  things  about  which  I  desire  in 
formation. 

In  the  first  place,  is  it  the  custom,  as  a  general 
thing,  for  the  City  Hall  and  Barnum's  Museum  to 
indulge  in  an  animated  contra-dance  up  and  down 
Broadway  in  the  middle  of  the  night,  accompanied 
in  their  fantastic  movements,  by  the  upper  story  of 
Stewart's  and  the  Bible  Society's  building  ?  For  they 
certainly  did  on  that  eventful  evening,  and  I  feel 


62  DOESTICKS. 

called  upon  to  enter  my  solemn  protest  against  these 
nocturnal  architectural  saltatory  exhibitions,  as  un 
worthy  the  dignity  of  the  Empire  City. 

And  I  would,  with  all  humility,  suggest,  that  if 
the  stony  goddess  of  Justice,  whose  appropriate  place 
is  on  the  top  of  the  City  Hall,  will  desert  her  respon 
sible  post,  she  might  choose  a  more  becoming  amuse 
ment  than  sitting  cross-legged  on  the  top  of  a  Hous 
ton  street  stage,  playing  the  Jews-harp. 

I  am  now  convinced  that  Bowling-Green  fountain 
is  not  permanently  located  on  the  top  of  Trinity 
Church  cross ;  but  that  it  was  on  that  memorable 
night,  my  wondering  eyes  bore  ample  testimony. 

I  am  sufficiently  well  acquainted  with  the  city  to 
know  that  the  Astor  House  should  be  found  on  the 
corner  of  Barclay  street,  but  I  am  ready  to  take  my 
oath  that  on  that  particular  occasion  it  plied  as  an 
opposition  ferry-boat  between  Whitehall  street  and 
Hamilton  avenue.  The  last  thing  I  distinctly  recol 
lect  is  trying  to  pay  the  fare  for  three  on  this  novel 
craft,  with  a  single  piece  of  money  (which  I  now 
know  to  have  been  a  Bungtown  copper),  and  demand 
ing  two-and-sixpence  change,  which  I  didn't  get. 

In  the  morning  I  found  myself  in  bed  with  my 
overcoat  on,  and  afterwards  discovered  my  boots  un- 


A  T     II  O  M  E  .  63 

der  the  pillow — my  hat  in  the  grate,  with  ray  panta 
loons  and  hair-brush  in  it — my  watch  in  the  water- 
jug,  and  my  latch-key  in  the  bird-cage.  I  presume 
I  had  tried  to  write  a  letter  to  some  one  with  my 
tooth-brush,  as  I  found  that  article  in  my  inkstand. 

Now,  if  Croton  water  interferes  with  my  suscep 
tible  system  in  this  unaccountable  manner,  what 
shall  I  drink  ?  I  would  resort  to  milk,  but  I  fear  our 
city  edition  of  the  lacteal  contains  sufficient  of  the 
aqueous  enemy  to  again  upset  my  too  delicate  nerves. 
I  exclaim,  like  Caesar,  when  he,  too,  was  afflicted 
with  superfluity  of  water,  "  Help  me,  Cassius.  or  I 
sink !" 

What  would  be  the  effect  of  brandy  and  water 
without  any  water,  and  a  little  lemon  ? 


IX. 


has  been  asserted,  that  no  humbug  can  be  in- 
vented  which  is  so  improbable  that  it  will  find  no 
believers.  No  theory  is  too  ridiculous,  no  folly  too 
great  to  turn  the  stomach  of  the  modern  wonder- 
seeking  Public ;  it  opens  its  staring  eyes,  perhaps,  a 
little  wider  than  usual  at  some  transcendent  tomfool 
ery,  but  its  sapient  optics  have  as  yet  discerned  no 
thing  in  all  the  superfluous  deceptions  and  jugglery  of 
the  age,  too  hugely  nonsensical  to  be  swallowed  with 
out  even  a  single  qualm. 

Hence,  all  the  "  pathies  "  and  "  isms  "of  medical 
Empiricism,  all  the  newly  discovered  charlatanry 
of  the  legal  trade,  and  even  the  latest  form  of  re 
ligious  quackery,  that  new  device  of  bashful,  half- 
grown,  bastard  Infidelity,  denominated  Spiritualism, 
which  would  be  impious  if  it  was  not  idiotic,  have 


REFLECTIONS.  65 

all  received  from  the  wise  ones  of  the  nineteenth  cen 
tury  belief  and  credence. 

For  at  this  time  of  triumphant  and  successful 
humbug — when  indiscriminate  puffery  is  freely  used 
to  boost  into  notice  all  kinds  of  sham,  deception,  and 
deceit,  which  thereupon  grow  fat  and  thrive — when 
vermin  exterminators,  lucifer  matches,  and  patent 
blacking  employ  such  high-flown  language  in  com 
mendation  of  their  merits,  that  inventions  of  real 
merit  and  importance  must  resort  to  the  basest  bom 
bast  to  keep  pace  with  the  foolery  of  their  neighbors 
— when  solid  merit  which  would  succeed,  must  vie 
in  euphuistic  phrase  with  brainless  emptiness  which 
will — when,  in  Literature,  inane  collections  of  stolen 
wit,  diluted  humor,  and  feeble  fiction  are  spawned 
in  scores  from  weak-brained  fops  and  aspiring  women, 
inflated  by  unsparing  puffery  into  a  transient  noto 
riety,  and  palmed  upon  the  public  as  works  of  ster 
ling:  merit — when  even  these  Doestick  Letters  are 

O 

purchased  and  perused,  it  may  easily  be  imagined 
that  no  impudent  humbug,  if  properly  managed,  will 
turn  the  stomach  of  the  enlightened  Yankee  Xation. 
It  is  not  astonishing,  that,  in  a  sort  of  gross  imita 
tion  of  the  clairvoyants  and  spirit-seers,  other  persons 
not  quite  so  intellectual  perhaps,  but  fully  as  reliable 


66  DOESTICKS. 

should  also  profess  to  hold  converse  with  invisible 
beings. 

The  fortune-tellers  of  the  city  are  these,  and  they 
certainly  deserve  praise  for  attempting  to  apply  their 
pretended  knowledge  to  some  practical  use,  instead 
of  dealing  entirely  with  abstractions.  In  New  York 
these  people  are  numerous,  and  they  pick  up  as 
many  coppers  in  quite  as  honest  a  way  as  their 
fellows  in  the  art  of  table-tipping  notoriety. 

Having  read  the  advertisement  of  a  Grand  street 
fortune-teller,  who  advertised  herself  the  "seventh 
daughter  of  a  seventh  daughter,"  a  lineal  descendant 
from  some  one  of  the  Egyptian  magicians  who 
couldn't  kill  the  frogs — I  straightway  resolved  to 
pay  her  a  visit. 

Since  that  memorable  day  my  destiny  is  no  longer 
a  mystery.  I  know  it  all.  I  know  what  kind  of  a 
woman  I'm  to  marry,  how  many  children  we're 
to  have,  how  many  will  die  of  measles,  and  how 
many  will  be  choked  with  the  croup,  and  can  calcu 
late  to  a  quart  how  much  castor  oil  I  shall  have  to 
lay  in  for  family  consumption.  I've  had  my  fortune 
told  by  a  witch. 

The  witches  of  modern  time  do  not  frequent  graves 
and  gibbets  at  midnight — they  hold  no  nocturnal  or- 


VISITS     A     FORTUNE     TELLER.  67 

gies  with  dancing  skeletons  and  corpses,  brought  by 
the  black  art  back  to  temporary  life — they  now-a-days 
take  no  pains  to  conceal  their  trade,  but  advertise  it 
in  the  daily  papers. 

Their  believers  are  not  now  the  great  men  and 
wise  women  of  the  earth  alone,  but  chamber-maids 
and  servant  girls  who  want  love-powders  to  win 
some  noble  swain — or  some  verdant  countryman 
anxious  to  recover  the  pilfered  eelskin  which  contain 
ed  his  treasured  pennies.  They  easily  satisfy  these 
gullible  customers,  by  promising  the  first  no  end  of  rich , 
handsome  princes,  who  are  to  appear  some  day  and 
carry  off  their  brides  in  four-horse  coaches  ;  and  the 
latter  by  an  extemporaneous  description  of  the  thief, 
and  a  wish  that  he  may  suffer  pains  in  his  head, 
heart,  liver,  and  all  other  important  parts  of  his 
body,  until  the  property  is  restored. 

Witchcraft  is  rife  in  our  midst,  and  we  do  not 
hang  or  burn  the  hags  and  beldames  who  practise  it, 
or  stick  them  full  of  needles,  or  duck  them  in  the 
horse-ponds,  as  in  the  good  old  days  of  Salem — more's 
the  pity. 

In  this  day  of  railroads  and  three-cent  stages,  they 
have  no  occasion  to  perform  their  journeys  upon 
broomsticks ;  and  in  our  city,  where  cream  is  only 


68  DOESTICKS. 

traditionary,  they  cannot  bewitch  their  neighbors' 
churnings,  or  throw  their  dire  enchantments  over 
the  incipient  cheese — so  the.  protective  horse-shoe  is 
of  no  avail. 

They  have  robbed  the  trade  of  all  its  mystery  and 
romance  ;  we  hear  no  more  of  mighty  magian,  with 
hoary  beard  and  flowing  robe,  with  magic  wand  and 
attendant  spirits ;  no  more  "  weird  sisters,"  with 
talon  fingers  and  sunken  eyes ;  not  even  romantic 
wandering  gipsies — but  ugly  women,  with  unwashed 
hands,  who  can't  spell. 

The  calling  has  degenerated,  and  the  necromantic 
trade  has  passed  into  the  hands  of  unworthy  succes 
sors,  who  would  steal  their  living,  if  cheating  wasn't 
easier.  And  the  trade  thrives,  and  the  swindling 
practisers  thereof  flaunt  in  silks,  while  honest  virtue 
staves  off  destitution  by  making  ;'  hickory"  shirts  at 
eight  cents  a-piece. 

Went  up  town,  found  the  house,  rung  the  bell,  and 
was  shown  into  a  shabby  room  by  a  stuttering  girl, 
who  informed  me  by  instalments  that  her  mistress 
would  see  me  presently.  Examined  the  furniture — 
rickety  table,  ditto  chairs,  bare  floor  with  knot-holes 
in  it,  unctuous  mirror,  two  hair  trunks,  a  clothes' 
basket,  and  a  hat-box. 


FORTUNE     TOLD.  69 

Enter  mistress — minus  youth,  beauty,  hair-pins 
and  clean  stockings. 

She  wore  no  flowing  robe  figured  with  cabalistic 
signs,  she  bore  no  sable  wand  of  magic,  but  she  was 
clad  in  a  calico  dress,  and  had  a  brass  candlestick  in 
her  hand — she  drew  no  mystic  circle,  she  performed 
no  inscrutable  incantations,  she  spoke  in  no  un 
known  tongue — but  she  put  the  candlestick  on  the 
rickety  table,  sat  down  in  a  cane-bottomed  chair,  and 
asked  me  what  my  name  was,  and  what  I  wanted. 

Told  her  I  wanted  to  find  out  who  I  was  going  to 
marry,  and  wanted  her  to  tell  me  a  lucky  number  in 
the  lottery,  which  should  draw  a  prize  big  enough  to 
support  the  family — also  wanted  a  description  of  the 
man  who  stole  my  jack-knife,  and  a  knowledge  of  the 
place  where  I  could  find  the  same. 

Now  she  began  to  work — she  did  not  consult  the 
stars — she  did  not  cast  my  horoscope — she  did  not 
even  ask  me  where  I  was  born,  or  what  my  father 
did  for  a  living — she  exhibited  no  strange  parapher 
nalia  of  sorcery  and  conjuration — no  obscure  language, 
suggestive  of  a  divination  or  enchantment,  fell  from 
her  prophetic  lips. 

She  only  asked  me  if  I  had  any  moles  on  my  per 
son,  and  what  I  dreamed  about  last  night — then 


70  DOESTICK8. 

plunging  her  hand  through  a  slit  in  the  side  of  her 
dress,  she  fished  out  from  some  unknown  depth  a 
pack  of  cards.  Greasy  were  they,  and  well  worn — 
the  knave  of  spades  had  his  legs  torn  off,  the  queen 
of  diamonds  had  her  face  scratched  with  a  thimble, 
two  of  the  aces  were  stuck  together  with  beeswax, 
and  the  king  of  clubs  had  evidently  been  used  to 
skim  flies  out  of  the  molasses. 

After  much  shuffling  of  the  royal  and  plebeian 
members  of  the  pack,  she  got  them  fixed  to  her  satis 
faction,  and  I  proceeded  to  draw  therefrom  nine 
cards,  which  she  disposed  in  three  symmetrical 
piles  ;  then  looked  them  over — bit  her  lip — stamped 
her  foot ;  then  told  me  that  my  knife  had  been  stolen 
by  a  squint-eyed  Irishman,  who  had  disposed  of  it 
to  his  uncle  for  a  dozen  cotton  night-caps,  sixty  cigars 
and  thirty  cents  ready  money,  and  that  if  I  was  anxi 
ous  to  reclaim  it,  I  would  find  it  at  No.  1  Round  the 
Corner. 

Asked  her  if  I  was  big  enough  to  lick  the  Irish 
man,  at  which  she  waxed  indignant,  and  for  a  mo 
ment  I  half  feared  she  would  turn  me  into  some  hor 
rible  monster  ;  that,  like  Circe  of  old,  she  would  ex 
ercise  her  magic  power,  and  qualify  me  to  play  a 


FORTUNE     TOLD.  71 

star  engagement  at  the  Metropolitan  Theatre  by 
transforming  me  into  an  elephant,  a  she-wolf,  or  a 
Bengal  tiger. 

But,  as  my  mouth  didn't  get  any  larger,  my  toe 
nails  grow  any  longer,  or  my  fingers  change  to 
claws ;  as  I  felt  no  growing  appetite  for  blood,  and 
my  nose  didn't  elongate  into  a  trunk,  I  soon  re 
covered  my  equanimity. 

Then  she  went  on  to  say  that  No.  67  would  draw 
me  a  prize  in  the  lottery,  and  that  I  could  get  it  of 
"  Sam" — that  I  would  marry  a  red-haired  woman, 
who  would  die  and  leave  me  with  a  nursing  baby — 
that  I  would  then  be  "jilted"  by  a  widow,  and  finally 
wed  a  lady  whose  description  corresponds  exactly 
with  my  present  washer- woman  ;  our  family  is  to 
increase  to  seventeen  ;  my  second  son  is  to  be  Presi 
dent,  and  my  eldest  daughter  is  to  run  away  with  the 
Czar  of  all  the  Russias.  She  wasn't  exactly  posi 
tive  about  the  manner  of  my  death,  but  from  the 
looks  of  the  jack  of  clubs,  she  "  judged  I  should 
break  my  neck  coming  home  from  a  clam-bake." 

Gave  her  a  dollar,  and  left.  A  month  has  passed 
— 67  seems  a  promising  number — hav'n't  got  my 
knife  yet,  but  live  in  hope — have  seen  my  future 


72  DOESTIOKS. 

wife,  hav'n't  yet  proposed,  but  have  reason  to  suppose 
she  would  not  object. 

She  was  in  Catharine  street,  and  had  a  basket  on 
her  head  full  of  shrimps. 


City    Target    Excursion. 


X. 


Citjr  £  argot  (excursion. 

X  this  City,  which,  even  in  cholera  seasons,  is 
most  heroically  nasty,  when  the  filth  in  Broadway 
gets  so  deep  as  to  stop  the  stages  and  throw  the  cars 
off  the  track,  men  are  sent  round  by  the  City  to  ex 
pend  an  infinity  of  labor  in  hoeing  it  into  symmetri 
cal  heaps,  like  miniature  fortifications.  Iii  fact,  if 
plenitude  of  mud  could  avail  to  protect  a  tow&from 
invading  foes,  New  York  might-  bi$  the  world  defi 
ance,  for  all  the  allied  powers  of  all  the  earth  could 
no  more  reduce  our  (in  that  case)  impregnable  City, 
than  the  late  chivalrous  Lord  Forth  could  take  Se- 
bastopol,  by  lying  flat  on  his  back,  and  calling  for 
his  ma  to  come  and  take  him  home.  As  the  City 
authorities  content  themselves  with  erecting  these  pic 
turesque  monuments,  and  do  noyrouble  themselves 
to  remove  the  same,  but  leave  them  to  adorn  the 
landscape,  of  course  the  first  rain  metamorphoses  the 


76  DOES  TICKS. 

fragrant  mass  from  an  embryo  mountain  to  a  dimi 
nutive  lake,  almost  disgusting  enough  to  make  a  street 
contractor  sick.  No  lady  attempts  the  perilous  navi 
gation  of  our  streets,  unless  she  has  been  a  couple  of 
seasons  at  Newport  or  Kockaway,  and  learned  to 
swim  like  a  mermaid.  And  any  man  who  would 
black  his  boots  in  the  morning,  would  be  taken  to 
the  Lunatic  Asylum  before  night.  A  search  for  a 
dry  crossing  would  be  a  hopeless  pilgrimage,  and  he 
who  would  find  a  get-over-able- without-getting-your- 
shoes-full-of-mud  street  in  this  metropolis,  would 
wear  his  life  out  in  a  fruitless  exploration,  and  be 
prematurely  planted  in  Greenwood,  with  his  object 
unattained.  In  ordinary  times  the  ladies  sweep  the 
sidewalks  tolerably  clean  with  their  trailing  skirts, 
but  now  they  seem  to  have  thrown  up  their  contract. 
Coming  down  town  the  other  day  in  a  stage,  our 
reckless  driver  tried  the  depth  of  one  of  the  above- 
mentioned  municipal  lakes — the  wheels  stuck  fast — 
the  vehicle  settled  into  the  hopeless  depth — one 
scream  from  the  ladies — one  unanimous  curse  from 
the  men — one  frantic,  furious,  ineffectual  struggle  of 
the  horses,  and  in  Another  instant  we  were  floating 
a  hopeless  wreck.  Every  one  for  himself.  I  saw 
one  of  the  ladies  dragged  safely  out  by  the  hair — » 


BECOMES      A     M  I  L  1  T  A  li  V      .MAN.  77 

men  eventually  reached  the  land  in  safety,  but  I  re 
joiced  to  see  a  malignant  baby,  (which,  during  our 
journey  had  screamed  and  kicked  one  half  the  time, 
and  the  other  half  persisted  in  calling  me  "  Daddy," 
and  soiling  my  shirt-front  with  its  sticky  fingers,)  go 
to  the  bottom  amid  a  universal  chorus  of  thanksgiv 
ing  from  the  company.  Got  ashore  myself,  with  my 
coat  spoiled,  my  hat  minus,  my  boots  full  of  water, 
and  my  whole  person  "  dripping  from  the  recent 
flood,"  like  a  he- Venus  rising  from  an  odoriferous 
ocean. 

As  a  consequence  of  my  involuntary  bath,  I  have 
since  been  ainicted  with  a  severe  toothache,  pleading 
which  comfortable  and  soothing  ail,  I  obtained  leave 
of  absence  for  a  day  from  the  popular  establishment 
where  I  have  the  honor  to  sell  peanuts  and  pop-corn 
to  the  confiding  public,  and  I  resolved  to  employ 
the  unusual  holiday  in  attending  one  of  the  peculiar 
institutions  of  grown-up  Xew  York,  denominated  a 

"  TARGET  SHOOT." 

From  the  incongruous  population  of  the  village 
aforesaid,  target  companies  spring  up  with  the 
rapidity  and  profusion  of  mushrooms  in  an  old  pas 
ture.  In  all  other  cities  they  are  exotics,  and  never 
have  a  vigorous  and  healthy  existence — here  only 


78  i>  o  10  STICKS. 

are  they  indigenous,  and  on  Manhattan  Island  do  they 
flourish  in  native  luxuriance. 

The  materials  are  varied — the  ingredients  some 
times  curious — a  company  being  sometimes  composed 
entirely  of  journeymen  tailors,  blacksmiths'  appren 
tices,  master  carpenters,  clerks,  porters,  coalheavers, 
stagedrivers,  candy-peddlers,  pop-corn  men,  or  those 
persevering  individuals  who  roast  perpetual  chest 
nuts  on  the  sidewalk  in  tin  pans — fire  companies, 
express  companies,  policemen,  gangs  of  men  from  all 
kinds  of  mammoth  shops — for  wherever  thirty  or 
forty  individuals  work  in  the  same  house,  they  form 
themselves  into  a  military  company,  and  once  or 
twice  every  year  go  to  Hoboken  and  shoot  for  whis 
key  and  other  prizes. 

When  they  want  to  make  a  full  turn-out,  the  places 
of  any  missing  members  are  filled  by  extemporane 
ous  volunteers.  It  was  in  this  capacity  that  I  pro 
posed  to  go.  In  these  companies  there  are  always 
more  officers  than  men,  more  epaulettes  than  mus 
kets — always  a  big  band  of  music,  and  two  darkies 
to  carry  the  target.  As  to  their  marching,  no  two 
ever  step  together,  and  they  always  put  a  tall  man 
by  the  side  of  a  short  one,  so  as  to  have  the  average 
length  of  steps  come  right.  They  go  forth  in  the 


DESCRIBES     HIS     COMPANY.  •  I  1 » 

morning  in  high  spirits,  and  return  at  night  surly, 
dusty,  discontented,  dilapidated,  and  drunk.  As  the 
target  is  always  carried  in  triumph  through  the 
streets,  and  afterward  exhibited  in  the  drill-room,  the 
darkey  invariably  carries  an  auger  with  him,  with 
which  explosive  weapon  all  the  best  shots  are  made. 
Every  member  has  a  whiskey-bottle  in  his  cartridge- 
box,  or  a  brandy-flask  in  his  knapsack. 

As  a  general  thing,  they  turn  their  toes  in,  and 
are  bandy-legged — they  carry  their  guns  over  their 
shoulders  at  all  conceivable  angles,  and  so  little  do 
they  know  about  fire-arms,  that  probably,  if  called 
to  load  their  muskets  in  a  hurry,  two  out  of  three 
•would  put  their  cartridges  in  their  breeches  pockets, 
and  stick  their  percussion  caps  on  the  ends  of  their 
ramrods. 

"When  they  fire  salute,  and  mean  to  all  shoot  toge 
ther,  the  report  is  so  near  simultaneous  that  a  strang 
er  would  think  they  were  firing  minute  guns.  They 
always  select  for  judges  of  the  shooting,  the  men  who 
will  give  the  most  whiskey,  and  make  the  shortest 
speeches. 

As  these  excursions  come  off  just  before  election, 
the  candidates  for  office  generally  pay  for  the  prizes, 
and  bear  the  expenses  of  a  reporter  for  the  press  to 


DOE8TICKS. 


puff  the  company.  The  judges  carry  out  the  re 
wards  in  the  morning  tied  up  in  "brown  paper,  and 
the  soldiers  wear  them  back  at  night,  around  their 
necks.  Six  or  eight  men,  called  pioneers,  march  in 
front,  with  muffs  on  their  heads,  leather  aprons  tied 
around  their  waists,  and  theoretical  axes  in  their 
hands,  which  could  never,  by  any  possibility,  be 
made  to  cut  anything.  The  officers  walk  between 
the  platoons,  nourishing  their  dandy  swords — their 
attention  being  pretty  equally  divided  between 
keeping  the  men  in  the  line,  keeping  the  little  boys 
out  of  the  line,  keeping  their  unaccustomed  white  cot 
ton  gloves  on,  and  trying  to  keep  step  with  the  music. 
In  single  file  the  men  march  like  a  flock  of  geese  on 
their  winding  way  to  the  mill-pond,  and  six  or  eight 
abreast,  they  go  with  the  regularity  of  a  crowd  of 
school-boys,  effecting  a  masterly  but  hurried  retreat 
from  somebody's  melon-patch.  In  order  to  make 
them  form  a  straight  line,  it  is  necessary  to  back 
them  up  against  a  brick  block,  or  make  them  stand 
between  the  tracks  of  a  railroad. 

Such  was  the  company  of  which  I  became  a  mem 
ber  for  a  brief  eventful  time.  Its  cognomen  was 
"  The  Lager-Bier  American  Volunteers,  and  Native 
Empire  City  Shillelagh  Guards,"  being  composed 


ATTENDS     THE     DRILL.  81 

of  Irish,  Dutch,  Spaniards,  and  Sandwich  Islanders 
— the  only  Americans  in  the  company  being  the 
colored  target-bearers,  and  the  undersigned. 

Convened  in  the  drill-room  at  8  A.  M.  As  I  was 
a  new  member,  and  had  borrowed  my  uniform,  I 
had  some  difficulty  in  putting  it  on — buckled  my 
crossbelt  round  iny  neck,  got  my  cap  on  wrong  side 
before,  stuck  my  bayonet  through  my  coat-tail — put 
my  cartridge-box  between  my  shoulders,  and  my 
priming-wire  where  my  "pompon"  should  have 
been. 

Ready  at  length  to  start — crossed  the  ferry — dis 
embarked — proceeded  to  the  ground  and  prepared 
to  drill. 

The  captain  finding  it  impossible  to  get  into  a 
straight  line  in  the  usual  manner,  at  length  ingeni 
ously  overcame  this  geometrical  difficulty  by  rang 
ing  us  against  a  board  fence — he  then  proceeded  to 
put  us  through  the  exercise  :  "  Shoulder  arms  !"  Got 
my  gun  on  the  wrong  shoulder.  "Order  arms!" 
Brought  it  down  on  the  toes  of  my  neighbor.  "  Shoul 
der  arms  !"  again.  Got  it  on  the  right  shoulder  this 
time,  but  in  so  doing  knocked  oft*  the  cap  of  the 
man  next  to  me,  &c.  Got  through  the  rest  of  the 
drill  without  any  serious  mishap,  except  that  in  at- 


DOESTICKS. 

tempting  to  charge  my  piece,  I  bit  off  the  wrong 
end  of  the  cartridge,  and  swallowed  the  ball — spill 
ed  the  powder  on  the  ground,  and  loaded  the  mus 
ket  with  the  paper  only. 

Now  came  the  shooting.  Nigger  set  the  target  at 
twenty  paces — four  volleys  and  not  a  ball  in  it — 
moved  it  up  to  fifteen — no  better  luck — moved  it 
again,  one  ball  put  in  it  this  time  by  a  clumsy  Dutch 
man,  who  shut  his  eyes  when  he  fired,  and  hit  by 
mistake.  Finding  that  shooting  was  no  use,  captain 
adopted  the  usual  plan — set  the  target  at  ten  paces, 
blindfolded  the  men,  and  each  one  charged  on  it 
with  the  auger ;  where  the  point  happened  to  hit,  he 
bored  a  hole,  and  the  one  nearest  the  bull's  eye  took 
the  prize.  I  could  see  a  little  through  a  hole  in  the 
cloth-r-consequence  :  hit  the  centre  and  took  the  first 
prize,  (a  plated  cake-basket  with  a  pewter  handle, 
bought  for  silver  by  the  sagacious  Committee). 

As  the  brandy  had  circulated  pretty  freely,  some 
of  the  shots  were  rather  wild — several  missed  the 
target  entirely  and  knocked  their  heads  against  the 
trees  ;  one  bored  a  deep  hole  in  a  sand  bank,  and 
the  first  lieutenant  was  put  under  arrest  for  attempt 
ing  to  tap  the  captain. 

The  man  who  took  the  second  prize  did  not  come 


WINS     THE     PRIZE.  83 

so  near  the  mark  by  an  inch  and  a  half  as  another 
man,  but  he  had  a  pretty  sister  whom  one  of  the 
judges  was  in  love  with,  so  he  took  "  the  spoons.*' 
Ready  to  go  home — Muggins,  one  of  the  judges, 
missing.  After  a  long  search  found  him  wrapped  up 
in  the  colors,  fast  asleep  with  his  head  in  a  hog- 
trough — stirred  him  up  with  a  musket,  when  he 
called  me  "  Mrs.  Muggins,"  and  swore  at  me  for  pull 
ing  all  the  sheet  over  to  my  side. 

Marched  home  in  as  good  order  as  circumstances 
would  allow — the  darkey  bearing  in  proud  triumph 
the  perforated  target,  which  had  so  many  hits  near 
the  centre,  as  to  excite  the  admiration  of  the  deluded 
public,  which,  as  a  general  rule,  in  such  cases,  can't 
tell  a  bullet  mark  from  an  auger-hole. 


XI. 


neto  fatent  l^Mnne  ©gcntton, 

S  I  too  desire  to  have  a  mansion  on  the  Fifth 
Avenue,  like  the  Medical  Worthy  of  Sarsapa- 
rilla  memory,  and  wished  like  him  to  be  able  to  build 
a  patent  medicine  palace,  with  a  private  chapel  under 
the  back-stairs,  and  a  conservatory  down-cellar,  I 
cast  about  me  for  some  means  whereby  the  requisite 
cash  might  be  reputably  accumulated. 

I  feared  that  the  Panacea  and  Cure-Everything 
trick  had  been  played  too  often,  but  I  determined  to 
make  one  big  try,  and  I  think  that  at  last  my  fortune 
is  made. 

Congratulate  me — I  am  immortalized,  and  Fve 
done  it  myself.  My  name  will  be  handed  down  to 
posterity  as  that  of  a  universal  benefactor.  The  hand 
which  hereafter  writes  upon  the  record  of  Fame,  the 
names  of  Ayer,  Sands,  Townsend,  Moliat,  Morrison, 
and  Brandreth,  must  also  inscribe,  side  by  side  with 


PATE XT     BALSAM.  85 

these  distinguished  appellations,  the  no  less  brilliant 
cognomen  of  the  undying  Doesticks. 

Emulous  of  the  deathly  notoriety  which  has  been 
acquired  by  the  medicinal  worthies  just  mentioned, 
/also  resolved  to  achieve  a  name  and  a  fortune  in 
the  same  reputable  and  honest  manner. 

Bought  a  gallon  of  tar,  a  cake  of  beeswax,  and  a 
firkin  of  lard,  and  in  twenty-one  hours  I  presented 
to  the  world  the  first  batch  of  "  Doesticks^  Patent •, 
Self-Acting,  Four-Horse  Power  Balsam"  designed 
to  cure  all  diseases  of  mind,  body,  or  estate,  to  give 
strength  to  the  weak,  money  to  the  poor,  bread  and 
butter  to  the  hungry,  boots  to  the  barefoot,  decency 
to  blackguards,  and  common  sense  to  the  Know- 
Nothings.  It  acts  physically,  morally,  mentally, 
psychologically,  physiologically,  and  geologically, 
and  it  is  intended  to  make  our  sublunary  sphere  a 
blissful  paradise,  to  which  Heaven  itself  shall  be  but 
a  side-show. 

I  have  not  yet  brought  it  to  absolute  perfection, 
but  even  now  it  acts  with  immense  force,  as  you  will 
perceive  by  the  accompanying  testimonials  and 
records  of  my  own  individual  experience.  You  will 
observe  that  I  have  not  resorted  to  the  usual  manner 

of  preparing  certificates :  which  is,  to  be  certain  that 
4* 


86  DOESTICKS. 

all  those  intended  for  Eastern  circulation  shall  seem 
to  come  from  some  formerly  unheard-of  place  in  the 
West,  while  those  sent  to  the  West  shall  be  dated  at 
some  place  forty  miles  east  of  sun-rise.  But  I  send 
to  you,  as  representing  the  western  country,  a  certifi 
cate  from  an  Oregon  farmer. 

"DEAR  SIR:  The  land  composing  my  farm  has  hitherto  been  so 
poor  that  a  Scotchman  couldn't  get  his  living  off  it;  and  so  stony 
that  we  had  to  slice  our  potatoes  and  plant  them  edgeways ;  but, 
hearing  of  your  balsam,  I  put  some  on  the  corner  of  a  ten-acre  lot, 
surrounded  by  a  rail-fence,  and  in  the  morning  I  found  the  rocks 
had  entirely  disappeared — a  neat  stone  wall  encircled  the  field,  and 
the  rails  were  split  into  ovenwood  and  piled  up  symmetrically  in 
my  back  yard. 

Put  half  an  ounce  into  the  middle  of  a  huckleberry  swamp — in 
two  days  it  was  cleared  off,  planted  with  corn  and  pumpkins,  and 
had  a  row  of  peach  trees  in  full  bloom  through  the  middle. 

As  an  evidence  of  its  tremendous  strength,  I  would  state  that  it 
drew  a  striking  likeness  of  my  eldest  daughter — drew  my  youngest 
boy  out  of  the  mill-pond — drew  a  blister  all  over  his  stomach — 
drew  a  load  of  potatoes  four  miles  to  market,  and  eventually  drew 
a  prize  of  ninety-seven  dollars  in  the  State  Lottery. 

And  the  effect  upon  the  inhabitants  hereabout  has  been  so 
wonderful,  that  they  have  opened  their  eyes  to  the  good  of  the 
country,  and  are  determined  to  vote  for  a  Governor  who  is  opposed 
to  frosts  in  the  middle  of  June,  and  who  will  make  a  positive  law 
against  freshets,  hail-storms,  and  the  seventeen-year  locusts." 

Tin -re,  isn't  that  some  f 


RECEIVES     TESTIMONIALS.  87 

But  I  give  one  more  from  a  member  of  the  senior 
class  in  a  western  college,  who,  although  misguided, 
neglected,  and  ignorant,  is,  undoubtedly,  as  honest 
and  sincere  as  his  Prussianized  education  will 
admit  of. 

I  have  corrected  the  orthography,  and  revised 
some  grammatical  inaccuracies  ;  but,  besides  attend 
ing  to  these  trifles,  inserting  marks  of  punctuation, 
and  putting  the  capitals  in  the  right  places,  I  assure 
you  I  have  made  no  alteration. 


HARBOR,  June  31,  1854. 

"My  DEAR  DOCTOR.  [You  know  I  attended  medical  lectures  half 
a  winter,  and  once  assisted  in  getting  a  crooked  needle  out  of  a 
baby's  leg;  so  I  understand  perfectly  well  the  theory  and  practice 
of  medicine,  and  the  Doctor  is  perfectly  legitimate  under  the  Prus 
sian  system.]  By  the  incessant  study  required  in  this  establish 
ment,  I  had  become  worn  down  so  thin  that  I  was  obliged  to  put  on 
an  overcoat  to  cast  a  shadow  —  but  accidentally  hearing  of  your 
Balsam,  I  obtained  a  quantity,  and,  in  obedience  to  the  Homcfiopa- 
thic  principles  of  this  Institution,  took  an  infinitesimal  dose  only  ; 
in  four  days  I  measured  one  hundred  and  eightv-two  inches  round 
the  waist  ;  could  chop  eleven  cords  of  hickory  wood  in  two  hours 
and  a  half;  and,  on  a  bet,  cai*ried  a  yoke  of  oxen  two  miles  and  a 
quarter  in  my  left  hand,  my  right  being  tied  behind  me,  and  if  any 
one  doubts  the  fact,  the  oxen  are  still  to  be  seen. 

"  About  two  weeks  after  this,  I  had  the  pleasure  of  participating 
in  a  gunpowder  explosion,  on  which  occasion  my  arms  and  legs 


88  DOES  TICKS. 

were  scattered  over  the  village,  and  my  mangled  remains  pretty 
equally  distributed  throughout  the  entire  county. 

Under  these  circumstances  my  life  was  despaired  of,  and  my 
classmates  had  bought  a  pine  coffin,  and  borrowed  whole  shirts  to 
attend  the  funeral  in ;  when  the  invincible  power  of  your  four 
horse-power  balsam  (which  I  happened  to  have  in  my  vest  pocket) 
suddenly  brought  together  the  scattered  pieces  of  my  body — col 
lected  my  limbs  from  the  rural  districts — put  new  life  into  my  shat 
tered  frame,  and  I  was  restored,  uninjured  to  my  friends,  with  a 
new  set  of  double  teeth. 

I  have  preserved  the  label  which  enveloped  the  bottle,  and  have 
sewed  it  into  the  seat  of  my  pantaloons,  and  I  now  bid  grim  death 
defiance,  for  I  feel  that  I  am  henceforth  unkillable,  and  in  fact  I  am 
even  now  generally  designated  the  '  Great  Western  Achilles.' 
Yours  entirely  SKI  HY." 

I  feel  that  after  this,  I  need  give  you  no  more  re 
ports  of  third  persons,  but  will  detail  some  of  my 
own  personal  experience  of  the  article. 

I  caused  some  to  be  applied  to  the  "Washtenaw 
Bank  after  its  failure,  and  while  the  Balsam  lasted 
the  Bank  redeemed  its  notes  with  specie. 

The  cork  of  one  of  the  bottles  dropped  upon  the 
head  of  a  childless  widow,  and  in  six  weeks  she  had 
a  young  and  blooming  husband. 

Administered  some  to  a  hack-driver  in  a  glass  of 
gin  and  sugar,  and  that  day  he  swindled  but  seven 


SHOWS     H  .0  W     I  T     W  O  R  K  S  .  89 

people,  and  only  gave  two  of  them  bad  money  in 

change. 

*   Gave  a  few  drops  gratis  to  a  poor  woman  who  was 

earning  a  precarious  subsistence  by  making  calico 

shirts  with  a  one-eyed  needle,  and  the  next  day  she 

was  discovered  to  be  heir  to  a  large  fortune. 

Gave  some  to  an  up-town  actor,  and  that  night  he 
said  "  damned"  only  twenty-one  times. 

One  of  the  daily  papers  got  the  next  dose,  and  in 
the  next  edition  but  one  there  were  but  four  edito 
rial  falsehoods,  seven  indecent  advertisements,  and 
two  columns  and  a  half  of  home-made  "  Foreign 
Correspondence." 

Caused  fifteen  drops  to  be  given  to  the  low  come 
dian  of  a  Broadway  Theatre,  and  that  night  he  was 
positively  dressed  more  like  a  man  than  a  monkey, 
actually  spoke  some  lines  of  the  author,  made  only 
three  inane  attempts  at  puerile  witticisms — only  twice 
went  out  of  his  way  to  introduce  some  grossly  inde 
licate  line  into  his  part,  and  for  a  wonder,  lost  so 
much  of  his  self-conceit  that  for  a  full  half-hour  he 
did  not  believe  himself  the  greatest  comedian  in  the 
world. 

Gave  some  to  a  news-boy,  and  he  manufactured 
but  three  fires,  a  couple  of  murders,  and  one 


90  DOESTICKS. 

horrible   rail-road  accident,  in  the  next  thirty  mi 
nutes. 

Put  some  on  the  outside  of  the  Crystal  Palace* 
and  the  same  day  the  stock  went  from  22  up  to  44. 

Our  whole  Empire  City  is  entirely  changed  by 
the  miraculous  power  of  "  Doesticks'  Patent  Self- 
Acting  Four  Horse  Power  Balsam."  The  gas  is 
lighted  on  the  dark  nights,  instead  of  on  the  moon 
light  evenings — there  are  no  more  highway  robberies 
in  the  streets,  or,  if  there  are,  the  offenders,  when 
arrested,  are  instantly  discharged  by  the  police  ma 
gistrate.  No  more  building  materials  on  the  side 
walks  ;  no  more  midnight  murders ;  no  more  Sun 
day  rows  ;  no  more  dirty  streets  ;  no  more  duels  in 
Hoboken,  and  no  more  lies  in  the  newspapers. 

Broadway  is  swept  and  garnished  :  the  M.  P.'s  are 
civil,  and  the  boys  don't  steal  any  more  dogs.  In  fact, 
so  wrell  content  are  we  now  with  our  City,  that  we 
feel,  as  the  Hibernian  poet  so  beautifully  says : 

"  0,  if  there  be  an  Elysium  on  earth, 
It  is  this — it  is  this." 

Orders  for  my  Balsam,  accompanied  ~by  the  money, 
will  be  immediately  attended  to  ;  otherwise  not,  for 
my  partner  and  I  have  resolved  to  sell  for  cash  only, 


SELLS     FOK     CASH.  91 

feeling  as  did  Dr.  Young,  who  appropriately  and 
feelingly  remarks — 

"  We  take  no  notes  on  Time." 

Bull  Dogge  says  I  have  piled  it  up  too  strong,  and 
that  no  one  will  believe  what  he  calls  "  that  hum 
bug  about  the  newspapers,  and  the  preposterous 
nonsense  concerning  the  Broadway  Actor."  I  am 
aware  that  in  these  instances  my  medicine  has  per 
formed  a  modern  miracle,  but  the  facts  remain  "  no 
less  true  than  strange." 

If  I  fail  to  accumulate  a  "  pile"  in  this  speculation, 
I  shall  start  a  Know-Xothing  Newspaper,  run  it  a 
month,  and  then  fail  and  swindle  the  subscribers  ; 
get  an  overgrown  woman  or  a  whiskered  lady,  and 
exhibit  her  for  twenty-five  cents  a  head,  or  get  up  a 
Grand  Gift  Enterprise,  with  §20,000  prizes. 


XII. 

toitjy  %  " 

•INGE  the  "G-rate  old  Squwirt"  made  tofo  by 
steam,  and  imported  from  Cincinnati  to  put  to 
the  blush  Metropolitan  Redshirtdom,  and  which 
couldn't  raise  steam  enough  to  throw  water  to  the  top 
of  the  City  Hall,  has  proved  such  a  signal  failure, 
the  good  old-fashioned  "  fire-annihilators"  (not  Bar- 
num's)  have  been  more  popular  than  ever. 

The  "  boys"  say  they  will  take  the  oldest  and 
most  primitive  engine  in  the  city,  man  it  with  four 
teen  small-sized  news-boys  on  a  side,  and,  with  this 
apparatus,  will  throw  more  water,  throw  it  higher, 
farther,  and  to  more  purpose  than  any  or  all  the 
clumsy  steam  humbugs  yet  invented  in  Porkopolis. 

Ninety-seven's  boys  say  they  can  run  to  a  fire,  get 
their  water  on,  extinguish  the  conflagration,  "  take- 
up,"  get  home,  bunk  in,  and  snooze  half  an  hour  before 
the  "  Squwirt"  could  get  her  kindling-wood  ready. 


Doesticks    Running    with    the    "  Masheen.' 


GOES     TO     A     FIRE.  9,3 

1  am  not  known  by  the  cognomen  of  u  Mose," 
nor  do  I  answer  to  the  name  of  "  Syskey" — neither 
as  a  general  thing  do  I  promenade  the  middle  of 
-Broadway  with  my  pantaloons  tucked  into  my  boots. 
Still,  by  way  of  a  new  excitement.  I  lately  joined  the 
Fire  Department,  and  connected  myself  with  the 
company  of  Engine  97. 

Bought  my  uniform,  treated  the  company,  took  up 
niy  quarters  in  the  bunkroom,  where  I  slept  by  night 
in  a  bed  occupied  in  the  day-time  by  a  big  yellow 
dog.  First  night,  went  to  bed  with  my  boots  on, 
ready  for  an  alarm.  At  last  it  came — seized  the  rope 
with  the  rest  of  the  boys  ;  started  on  a  run ;  tugged 
and  toiled  till  we  got  her  into  the  llth  district,  four 
miles  and  a  half  from  home ;  found  the  alarm  had 
been  caused  by  a  barrel  of  shavings,  and  the  confla 
gration  had  extinguished  itself ;  had  to  drag  her  clear 
back  ;  tired  most  to  death  ;  it  wasn't  funny  at  all. 

Turned  in ;  half  an  hour,  new  alarm ;  started 
again — hose  80  laid  in  the  same  alley,  got  our  appa 
ratus  jammed  on  the  corner  ;  fight ;  97  victorious  ; 
got  our  machine  out,  and  carried  off  the  forewheel  of 
80's  carriage  on  our  tongue  ;  reached  the  fire  ;  big 
nigger  standing  on  the  hydrant ;  elected  myself 
appraiser  and  auctioneer  ;  knocked  him  down  with- 


90  DOES  TICKS. 

out  any  bidder ;  took  water ;  got  our  stream  on  the 
fire  ;  fun ;  worked  till  my  arms  ached ;  let  go  to 
rest ;  foreman  hit  me  over  the  head  with  a  trumpet, 
and  told  me  to  go  ahead ;  children  in  the  garret ; 
horrible  situation  ;  gallant  fireman  made  a  rush  up 
the  ladder  ;  battled  his  way  through  the  smoke — re 
appeared  with  a  child  in  each  arm,  and  his  pocket 
full  of  teaspoons. 

Old  gentleman  from  the  country ;  much  excited  ; 
wanted  to  help,  but  didn't  exactly  know  how ;  he 
rushed  into  a  fourth-story  bedroom  ;  threw  the  mirror 
out  of  the  window ;  frantically  endeavored  to  hurl 
the  dressing-table  after  it ;  seized  the  coal-scuttle ; 
hurriedly  put  in  the  poker,  bootjack,  and  a  pair  of 
worn  out  slippers,  carried  them  down  stairs,  and  de 
posited  them  in  a  place  of  safety  four  blocks  away  ; 
came  back  on  a  run,  into  the  parlor ;  took  up  the 
door-mat,  wrapped  up  an  empty  decanter  in  it,  and 
transported  it  safely  into  the  barn  of  the  nearest 
neighbor ;  he  kept  at  work ;  by  dint  of  heroic  exer 
tions,  he  at  various  times  deposited,  by  piece,  the 
entire  kitchen  cooking-stove  in  the  next  street,  unin 
jured  ;  and  at  last,  after  knocking  the  piano  to  pieces 
with  an  axe,  in  order  to  save  the  lock,  and  filling 
his  pocket  with  the  sofa  castors,  he  was  seen  to  make 


DISPLAYS     HIS     COURAGE.  97 

his  final  exit  from  the  back-yard,  with  a  length  of 
stovepipe  in  each  hand,  the  toasting  fork  tucked 
behind  his  ear,  and  two  dozen  muffin  rings  in  his 
hat,  which  was  surmounted  by  a  large-sized  frying- 
pan. 

During  the  next  week  there  were  several  alarms — 
fire  in  a  big  block  full  of  paupers — first  man  in  the 
building  ;  carried  down  stairs  in  my  arms  two  help 
less  undressed  children,  thereby  saving  their  valuable 
lives  ;  on  giving  them  to  their  mother,  she,  amid  a 
whirlwind  of  thanks,  imparted  the  gratifying  intelli 
gence  that  one  was  afflicted  with  the  measles,  and 
the  other  had  the  Michigan  itch. 

Another  fire  ;  foreman  took  the  lead,  and  ran  down 
the  street,  yelling  like  an  independent  devil,  with  a 
tin  trumpet.  Company  made  a  grand  stampede, 
and  followed  in  the  rear,  dragging  old  9T  in  a 
spasmodic  gallop.  Found  the  fire  in  a  boarding 
school ;  dashed  up  a  ladder ;  tumbled  through  a 
window  ;  entered  a  bed-room  ;  smoke  so  thick  I 
couldn't  see  ;  caught  up  in  my  arms  a  feminine 
specimen  in  a  long  night-gown  ;  got  back  to  the 
window ;  tried  to  go  down  ;  ladder  broke  under 
me  ;  stuck  adhesively  to  the  young  lady  ;  ami,  after 
unexampled  exertions,  deposited  her  safely  in  the 


98  DOESTICKS. 

next  house,  where  I  discovered  that  I  had  rescued 
from  the  devouring  element  the  only  child  of  the 
Hack  cook  ! 

Fire  in  a  storehouse — went  on  the  roof;  explo 
sion  ;  found  myself  in  somebody's  cellar,  with  one 
leg  in  a  soap  barrel,  and  my  hair  full  of  fractured 
hen's  eggs  ;  discovered  that  I  had  been  blown  over 
a  church,  and  had  the  weathercock  still  remaining 
in  the  rear  of  my  demolished  pantaloons. 

Fire  in  a  liquor-store — hose  burst ;  brandy  "lying 
round  loose  ;"  gin  "  convaynient,"  and  old  Monon- 
gahela  absolutely  begging  to  be  protected  from 
further  dilution  ;  Croton  water  too  much  for  my 
delicate  constitution ;  carried  home  on  a  shutter. 

Fire  in  a  church — Catholic — little  marble  images 
all  round  the  room  in  niches  ;  wall  began  to  totter  ; 
statues  began  to  fall ;  St.  Andrew  knocked  my  fire 
hat  over  my  eyes  ;  St.  Peter  threw  his  whole  weight 
on  my  big  toe ;  St.  Jerome  hit  me  a  clip  over  the 
head,  which  laid  me  sprawling,  when  a  picture  of 
the  Holy  Family  fell  and  covered  me  up  like  a  bed 
quilt. 

Fire  in  a  big  clothing  store — next  day  our  fore 
man  sported  a  new  silk  velvet  vest,  seven  of  the 
men  exhibited  twelve  dollar  doeskin  pants,  and  the 


GETS      INTO      A      K  <>  W  .  09 

black  boy  who  sweeps  out  the  bunk  room,  and 
scours  the  engine,  had  a  new  hat,  and  a  naming  red 
cravat,  presented,  as  I  heard,  by  the  proprietor 
of  the  stock  of  goods,  as  an  evidence  of  his  ap 
preciation  of  their  endeavors  to  save  his  pro 
perty. 

/didn't  get  any  new  breeches  ;  on  the  contrary, 
lost  my  new  overcoat,  and  got  damaged  myself. 
Something  like  this — fire  out,  order  came,  "  take  up, 
97 ;"  took  off  the  hose  ;  turned  her  round  ;  got 
the  boys  together,  and  started  for  home ;  corner 
of  the  street  hook  and  ladder  100  (Dutch),  engine 
73  (Irish),  hose  88  (Yankee),  and  our  own  company, 
came  in  contact ;  machines  got  jammed ;  polyglot 
swearing  by  the  strength  of  the  companies  ;  got  all 
mixed  up  ;  fight ;  one  of  88's  men  hit  foreman  of 
hook  and  ladder  100  over  the  head  with  a  spanner; 
extemporaneous  and  impartial  distribution  of  brick 
bats  ;  97's  engineer  clipped  one  of  73's  men  with  a 
trumpet ;  73  retaliated  with  a  paving  stone  ;  men 
of  all  the  companies  went  in  ;  resolved  to  "  go  in  " 
myself;  went  in ;  went  out  again  as  fast  as  I  could, 
with  a  black  eye,  three  teeth  (indigestible,  I  have 
reason  to  believe)  in  my  stomach,  intermingled 
with  my  supper,  my  red  shirt  in  carpet  rags,  and 


100  DOES  TICKS. 

my  knuckles  skinned,  as  if  they  had  been  pawned  to 
a  Chatham  street  Jew. 

Got  on  a  hydrant,  and  watched  the  fun ;  88's 
boys  whipped  everything ;  Y3's  best  man  was 
doubled  up  like  a  jack-knife,  by  a  dig  in  the  place 
where  Jonah  was ;  four  of  97's  fellows  were  lying 
under  the  machine,  with  their  eyes  in  mourning; 
hook  and  ladder  took  home  two-thirds  of  their 
company  on  the  truck,  and  the  last  I  saw  of  their 
foreman  he  was  lying  in  the  middle  of  the  street, 
with  his  trumpet  smashed  flat,  his  boots  under  his 
head,  his  pockets  inside  out,  a  brick  in  his  mouth,  a 
hundred  and  twenty-five  feet  of  hose  on  the  back  of 
his  neck,  and  the  hind  wheels  of  20's  engine  resting 
on  his  left  leg. 

Four  policemen,  on  the  opposite  corner,  saw  the 
whole  row.  On  the  first  indication  of  a  fight,  they 
pulled  their  hats  down  over  their  eyes,  covered  up 
their  stars,  and  slunk  down  the  nearest  alley.  Got 
home,  resigned  my  commission,  made  my  will,  left 
the  company  my  red  shirt  and  fire  cap.  Seen 
enough  of  fire  service  ;  don't  regret  my  experience, 
but  do  grieve  for  my  lost  teeth  and  my  new  over 
coat. 

P.  S. — Have  just  met  the  foreman  of  73 — he  had 


M  A  K.  E  S     H  I  S     W  1  L  L  .  ]  OJ 

on  my  late  lamented  overcoat ;  ain't  big  enough  to 
lick  him — magnanimously  concluded  to  let  him 
alone.  - 


XIII. 

Street  Itetlviug  —  Ji  S'ealows  ®ri0,  auir 


|URLN"G  the  first  part  of  my  sojourn  in  the 
metropolis  I  made  the  acquaintance  of  a 
portly  personage  from  the  "  Providence  Plantations," 
who  invited  me  to  visit  his  home,  and  take  a  look  at 
little  "  Rhody."  As  I  had  been  hustled  round  pretty 
constantly  for  several  weeks,  I  had  become  fairly 
tired  of  ISTew  York,  although  it  is  a  town  of  con 
siderable  consequence.  Wanted  to  see  the  world  ; 
so  started  for  the  seven-by-nine  State  of  Rhode 
Island.  In  the  course  of  a  thorough  exploration  of 
that  delightful  though  diminutive  state,  which  occu 
pied  me  about  five  hours,  I  discovered  that  they 
shingle  the  houses  all  over  outside  and  in,  and  put 
the  windows  in  the  roof;  they  make  their  rail  fences 
out  of  cobble  stones  ;  the  ducks  roost  on  the  fence, 
and  hatch  their  young  ones  in  the  tops  of  the  cherry 


IN     K  II  O  D  E     I  S  L  A  X  I)  .  103 

trees  ;  the  men  look  so  much  alike,  their  wives  often 
kiss  the  wrong  individual,  (Damphool  says  it's  a  way 
women  have  the  world  over). 

Went  to  the  cit y  of  Providence,  where  all  the  men 
make  jewelry,  and  all  the  women  believe  in  spirit 
rappings ;  where  they've  got  a  bridge  wider  than  it 
is  long,  and  Macadamized  on  both  sides  ;  where  all 
the  plaster  busts  of  great  men  have  grey  wigs  on  ; 
where  they  light  the  gas  in  the  middle  of  the  after 
noon  ;  where  they  drive  five  horses  tandem  ;  where 
the  apples  grow  as  big  as  washtubs,  and  the  oysters 
obtain  the  enormous  size  of  three- cent  pieces. 

Went  into  the  woods  after  chestnuts  ;  couldn't  find 
any,  but  discovered  a  magnificent  tree  in  the  distance 
— rejoiced  exceedingly  thereat — started  for  it — three 
quarters  of  a  mile  away  ;  went  ahead  over  stones, 
ditches,  fences,  snakes,  briers,  and  stone  walls,  until 
at  last  I  reached  it,  and  found  it  was  an  elm,  no 
chestnuts  on  it — got  very  mad ;  walked  round  the 
state  a  couple  of  times,  and  took  the  first  train  for 
home. 

Glad  to  see  the  old  place  again,  and  also  pleased 
to  perceive  that  something  of  unusual  importance 
seemed  to  occupy  the  attention  of  the  usually- 
hard-at-work-but-on-Sunday-loafing-about-the-streets- 


104  DOESTICKS. 

waiting-for-a-fire-or-a-row-to-turn-up  population  of 
the  city. 

Saw  a  big  crowd  in  the  Park — inquired  about  it, 
and  was  told  the  usual  Street  Screeching  was  going 
on — wanted  to  see  the  fun — got  a  good  place  on  a 
fat  Irishman's  toes. 

Enter  Gabriel — tin  horn — hole  in  his  pantaloons — 
(Bull  Dogge  says  that  if  Angels  have  wings  they  are 
also  provided  with  tails — hence  this  last  item) ;  thought 
it  extremely  probable.  Gabriel  mounted  one  end  of 
the  City  Hall  steps,  and  after  a  preliminary  over 
ture  on  his  horn,  and  a  slight  skirmish  among  the 
faithful,  resulting  in  four  black  eyes,  a  damaged 
nose,  and  a  broken  leg,  the  religious  services  com 
menced — (Damphool  was  entirely  carried  away  by 
his  sympathies  for  this  last  martyr,  but  soon  dis 
covered  that  the  fractured  member  was  "purely 
vegetable,"  as  the  patent  medicine  men  say,  and  the 
mjury  was  speedily  repaired  by  means  of  a  few 
shingle  nails  and  a  piece  of  clapboard). 

Gabriel  went  in  to  win,  but,  spite  of  the  sanctity 
of  his  name  and  the  holiness  of  his  aforesaid 
breeches,  he  was  not  permitted  a  clear  field. 

A  female,  with  bosom  undressed  in  the  latest 
fashion ;  petticoats  (Damphool  says  skirticoats)  not 


HEARS     GABRIEL.  105 

immaculate ;  stockings,  through  the  texture  of 
which  her  delicate  ancles  were  plainly  visible  to 
the  naked  eye ;  whose  hair  resembled  molasses 
candy  ;  with  a  nose  symmetrical  as  an  overgrown 
sweet  potatoe,  and  in  hue  not  unlike  the  martyred 
lobster ;  and  whose  teeth  reminded  me  forcibly  of 
the  "  crags  and  peaks "  mentioned  by  the  man  in 
the  play,  took  up  her  station  on  the  other  end  of 
the  steps. 

She,  like  Gabe,  went  in  for  giving  the  church  of 
Koine  "  Jesse,"  but  otherwise  did  not  agree  with 
him.  Did  not  seem  willing  to  go  to  lieaven  by  his 
conveyance,  but  claimed  to  have  discovered  some 
kind  of  a  northwest  passage — some  exclusive  path 
"  cross  lots  ;"  and  she  advocated  her  right  of  way 
with  all  her  woman's  power  of  tongue — in  fact, 
they  agreed  only  tolerably — "  Arcades  ambo " — 
both  celestials,  but  of  a  different  breed — (B.  D. 
says  that  some  time  since  they  joined  issue  on  the 
devil's  head,  one  asserting  that  he  has  horns,  and 
the  other  maintaining  that  his  brimstone  friend  is 
a  muley) — but  they  both  pitched  into  the  Pope, 
abused  all  foreigners,  denounced  the  church  of 
Home,  walked  into  the  affections  of  the  Catholics 
generally — talked  learnedly  of  priests,  inquisitions, 


106  DOES  TICKS. 

dungeons,  thumbscrews,  martyrs,  convents,  nun 
neries,  and  other  luxuries,  as  being  the  only  legi 
timate  offspring  of  the  mother  of  abominations,  the 
scarlet  woman  ;  and,  in  fact,  seemed  to  be  having 
the  field  entirely  to  themselves,  when  lo  !  a  change 
came  o'er  the  spirit  of  the  gospel  show,  for  in  the 
midst  of  the  crowd  suddenly  appeared  a  third 
combatant — his  classic  dress  and  intellectual  face 
gave  unmistakable  evidence  that  he  was  from  the 
"  gim  of  the  ocean."  With  the  dignified  and 
majestic  bearing  peculiar  to  his  countrymen,  he 
slowly  mounted  the  steps,  and  took  a  position 
directly  between  the  two,  and  in  a  voice  strongly 
tinctured  with  the  "  sweet  brogue."  announced 
himself  as  a  champion  of  that  much  slandered 
gentleman,  the  Pope  of  Rome. 

At  this  astounding  impudence,  the  woman  for  a 
single  instant  held  her  peace.  Gabe  was  so  taken 
aback  that  he  seemed  about  to  collapse,  but  rallied, 
played  an  "  ad  libitum  "  interlude  on  the  tin  horn, 
and  all  hands  "  pitched  in." 

Gabriel  commenced  the  onset  by  asserting  that 
the  Pope  is  not  strictly  a  bachelor,  but  has  seven 
white  wives  in  his  parlor,  thirteen  ditto  bound  in 
law  calf  in  the  library,  a  hundred  and  forty-one 


SHOWS     W  II  A  T     CAN     BE     D  O  X  E  .  107 

golden-haired  damsels  in  his  private  apartments, 
and  a  perfect  harem  of  jetty  beauties  in  the  coal 
hole. 

Petticoats  followed,  by  saying  that  he  breakfasts 
on  Protestant  babies ;  drinks  whiskey  punch  out  of 
a  Protestant  clergyman's  skull ;  has  an  abducted 
Protestant  virgin  to  black  his  boots ;  fifty- seven 
Protestant  widows  to  dig  his  potatoes  and  hoe  corn; 
and  that  he  rolls  ten-pins  every  afternoon  with  the 
heads  of  Protestant  orphan  children. 

Irishman  indignantly  denied  all — said  the  country 
is  going  to  the  old  Knick,  and  some  fine  morning  we 
shall  wake  up,  and  find  that  the  Pope,  unable  longer 
to  endure  our  perverseness,  has  sunk  us  all  forty 
miles  deeper  than  ancient  Sodom  ;  said  that  his  Ho 
liness  can  send  us  all  to  perdition  by  one  wink  of  his 
left  eye  ;  that  he  is  the  head  of  the  Church  on  Earth ; 
has  all  power  to  save  or  otherwise  :  could  get  us 
all  out  of  Purgatory,  and  send  us  all  "  kit  in  into 
Heaven,"  by  wagging  his  little  finger ;  that  he  could, 
like  a  Joshua  ~No.  2,  make  the  sun  and  moon  stand 
still;  make  the  planets  dance  an  astronomical  riga- 
doon ;  cause  the  hills  and  mountains  to  execute  a 
mighty  geological  jig,  while  old  ocean  should  beat 


108  DOESTICKS. 

the  time  against  the  bine  vault  of  Heaven  and  ap 
plauding  Angels  encore  the  huge  saltations. 

Gabe  said  he  didn't  believe  the  yarn.  Petticoats 
remarked  something  about  the  Star  Spangled  Banner 
being  always  right  side  up. 

Irishman  proceeded  to  describe  the  future  home 
of  the  happy  in  another  world,  as  a  place  where 
there  shall  be  plenty  of  potatoes,  no  end  of  shillelahs, 
oceans  of  genuine  whiskey;  and  where  no  Know- 
Nothing  Yankee  shall  be  allowed  to  come  and  kick 
up  a  plug  muss. 

At  the  word  Know-Nothing,  there  was  a  great 
sensation.  Symptoms  of  a  free  fight  rapidly  deve 
loped  into  an  uncivil  war.  Petticoats  got  mixed  up 
with  the  crowd,  and  presently  emerged  rather  the 
worse  for  wear,  barefooted,  bareheaded,  hair  down, 
nose  injured  by  collision,  eye  in  mourning,  mouth 
bloody,  and  her  whole  appearance  reminding  me 
of  "  a  goose  or  goslin — stuffed,"  (I  forgot  who 
penned  this  apposite  quotation,  and  asjted  Bull 
Dogge,  who,  being  excited  by  the  fray,  angrily 
asserted  that  it  is  by  "  Nero  or  some  other  old  fogy  " 
—is  it?) 

Irishman  was  taken  away  by  seven  policemen,  on 


LEAVES     GABRIEL.  109 

his  national  carriage,  a  wheelbarrow.  Gabriel  came 
out  unhurt,  save  that  his  elegant  features  were 
somewhat  marred  by  the  finger  nails  of  Petticoats. 
Perceiving  that  the  fun  was  over,  I  turned  to  go, 
leaving  the  self-elected  Angel  Gabriel,  straddle  of  a 
hydrant,  edifying  the  passers-by,  by  alternately 
sounding  notes  of  victory  upon  his  horn,  and  crow 
ing  like  an  overgrown  Shanghae. 


XIY. 


LTHOUGII  in  the  course  of  my  western  pere 
grinations  I  had  frequently  met  with  attractive- 
looking  damsels,  there  was  always  some  blemish  on 
their  personal  beauty,  which  though  perhaps  slight 
in  many  cases,  made  their  charms  fall  short  of  that 
exalted  standard  desirable  in  the  fairer  part  of  man 
kind.  Being  unusually  fastidious  in  my  taste  it  is 
not  to  be  wondered  at,  that  previous  to  last  "Wednes 
day  night,  I  had  never  been  in  love. 

Save  an  occasional  fit  of  cholera-rnorbus,  I  had 
never  experienced  anything  even  remotely  approach 
ing  the  tender  passion.  But  on  the  evening  of  the 
eventful  Wednesday,  Sandie  Goatie  invited  me  to  go 
with  him  and  see  his  sister. 

Now  my  friend  Sandie  is  not  a  scholarly  person, 
and  has  never  received  that  questionable  blessing,  a 
college  education.  He  always  says  "  cod-fish"  in- 


SEES     CALANTHE     MARIA.  Ill 

stead  of  "  bona  fide,"  and  calls  "  tempus  fugit" 
"  pork  and  beans ;"  the  only  "  Jupiter"  he  knows  is 
a  sable  gentleman,  and  his  only  idea  of  "  Yenus,"  is 
a  colored  washerwoman,  who  in  early  life  got  up  his 
hebdomadal  linen. 

But  his  sister  is  eminently  classic ;  she  stoops 
fashionably,  with  the  "  Grecian  bend" — has  a  Roman 
nose,  and  her  name  is  Calanthe  Maria. 

I  went  to  see  that  sister — I  saw  that  sister — I 
surrendered. 

That  seraphic  sister — to  attempt  a  description  of 
her  beauty,  would  be  insanity  itself.  I  will  only 
mention  her  hair,  and  when  I  have  said  that  this 
was  sublime  and  divine,  I  wish  it  distinctly  under 
stood  that  I  use  these  feeble  terms,  because  the 
poverty  of  our  language  does  not  afford  adjectives 
of  adequate  force. 

The  instant  I  saw  her,  my  presence  of  mind 
deserted  me.  I  felt  bashful — I  was  conscious  that  I 
looked  like  a  fool  in  the  face,  and  my  apparel,  (on 
which  I  had  prided  myself),  seemed  as  unworthy  to 
be  seen  in  her  presence,  as  if  it  had  been  bought 
second-hand  in  Chatham  street.  Beneath  the  glance 
of  her  brilliant  eyes,  my  feet  seemed  to  grow  too 

short,  and  my  legs  too  long — my  coat  too  big,  and 
5* 


112  DOESTICKS. 

my  collar  limpsy,  and  I  discovered  a  grease  spot  on 
my  vest.  Never  had  I  been  so  shamefaced  in  the 
feminine  presence  before,  and  my  bashfulness  only 
temporarily  deserted  me,  when,  after  much  tribula 
tion,  I  achieved  a  seat  on  a  clumsy  looking  foot-stool, 
which  I  understood  was  called  an  "  Ottoman." 
"Whether  or  not  it  had  any  connection  with  Turks, 
turkeys,  and  Thanksgiving,  I  failed  to  discover. 

Left  alone  a  short  time,  I  had  leisure  to  recover 
myself,  and  to  note  the  individual  charms  of  my  fail- 
enslaver.  A  partial  inventory  of  her  visible  apparel 
is  inetfaceably  stamped  upon  iny  mind. 

A  silk  dress,  of  a  pattern  which  seemed  to  have 
been  designed  for  a  gigantic  checker-board,  made 
with  a  train  to  do  scavenger  duty,  and  short  sleeves, 
with  lace  curtains  underneath — her  neck  and  shoul 
ders  hidden  from  view  by  a  thin  veil  of  transparent 
lace,  of  a  pattern  designedly  made  to  attract  atten 
tion — but  particulars  are  omitted. 

Suffice  it  to  say,  that  she  was  dressed  as  the  pre 
vailing  fashion  seems  to  demand. 

I  essayed  to  speak  to  her,  but  my  timidity  returned 
upon  me  with  double  force.  Mustered  courage  at 
length  and  asked  her  to  sing,  and  stepped  on  her  toes 
while  turning  over  her  music — praised  everything 


BECOMES     DEVOTED.  113 

in  the  wrong  place — when  she  sung  a  false  note,  I 
exclaimed  "  delicious."  She  made  a  two-handed 
discord,  which  I  pronounced  "  enchanting,"  and 
when  at  last,  from  excess  of  agitation,  she  broke  flat 
down,  I  enthusiastically  declared  that  I  was  "  never 
more  delighted  in  the  whole  course  of  my  life." 

Asked  her  to  play  a  waltz,  and  handed  her  a  choir- 
book — opened  at  "  Corinth"  and  "  Silver  street" — 
found  I  was  wrong,  and  turned  over  the  leaf  to 
'•Sinners  turn,  why  will  ye  die?" — discovered  that 
all  was  not  right  yet,  and  then  requested  her  to  play 
some  sacred  music,  and  in  my  anxiety  to  get  the 
right  notes  this  time,  placed  before  her  the  "  Jenny 
Lind  Polka,"  which  she  at  once  began  to  play — I 
attempting  to  sing  the  words  of  "  Old  Hundred," 
which  didn't  seem  to  jibe. 

We  tried  to  dance,  but  my  confusion  still  continued. 
I  "  chassezed"  myself  across  a  table,  and  into  a 
music  rack — "  promenaded"  my  partner  over  the 
stove — "  balanced"  her  into  a  side-board,  and  even 
tually  attempted  to  seat  her  in  a  mirror,  where  I  saw 
a  sofa. 

Then  I  essayed  conversation,  and  I  am  confident 
I  talked  the  most  absurd  nonsense  for  the  rest  of  my 
call — distinctly  remember  speaking  of  Noah  "Web- 


DOESTICKS. 

ster's  beautiful  play  of  "  Evangeline" — eulogising 
Shakspeare's  u  llobinson  Crusoe" — Thackeray's  gene 
ralship  at  Waterloo — attempting  to  explain  the 
difficulties  which  attended  Henry  Ward  Beecher's 
attempts  to  get  his  Opera  of  "  Bohemian  Girl" 
before  the  public — telling  who  had  the  blackest  eye 
when  President  Pierce  and  Joan  of  Arc  fought  their 
celebrated  prize  fight  in  the  Crystal  Palace  in  New 
York  in  1793 — and  at  last,  breaking  down  in  trying 
to  explain  why  Admiral  Elihu  Burritt,  and  his  right 
hand  man  Xerxes  the  Great,  did  not  succeed  in 
taking  Sebastopol  in  a  month,  according  to  contract. 

When  I  bid  her  "  good  night,"  she  took  my  hand 
and  set  me  crazy  by  the  touch  of  her  fairy,  taper 
fingers. 

I  dreamed  all  night  about  Calanthe — got  up  in  the 
morning,  called  the  waiter  "  Calanthe,"  and  said 
"  my  darling"  to  him  as  he  handed  me  my  coffee — 
gave  my  tailor  an  order  for  a  new  coat  and  two  pairs 
of  pantaloons,  and  told  him  to  charge  them  to 
"  Calanthe" — got  a  box  of  cigars  and  a  demijohn  of 
Scotch  whiskey,  and  signed  the  drayman's  receipt 
"  Calanthe" — all  the  signs  read  "  Calanthe" — every 
street  was  "  Calanthe"  street — all  the  stages  belonged 
to  the  "  Calanthe"  line^  and  were  going  to  "  Calanthe" 


IX     E  X  T  A  C  I  E  S  .  115 

ferry — the  ship  "  Calanthe"  bad  arrived,  the  steam 
boat  "  Calanthe"  had  burst  her  boiler,  and  the  brig 
"  Calanthe"  been  seen  bottom  upward  with  her 
rudder  gone.  I  saw,  heard,  read,  dreamed,  thought, 
and  talked  nothing  but  "  Calanthe,"  and  cannibal 
that  I  am,  I  verily  believe  I  ate  nothing  but 
"  Calanthe"  for  a  month. 

The  day  after  I  saw  her  first  I  felt  so  exceedingly 
amiable  that  I  bought  something  of  every  pedler 
who  came  into  the  store — laid  in  a  stock  of  matches, 
pencils,  shoe-brushes,  suspenders,  bootjacks,  and 
blacking,  which  will  last  me  a  short  lifetime — bought 
so  much  candy  that  the  office-boy  had  the  colic  every 
afternoon  for  a  week — called  the  apple  woman  u  my 
own  sweet  love,"  and  said  u  thank  you,  darling," 
when  she  gave  me  pewter  dimes  in  change. 

Wrote  spasmodic  poetry  about  Calanthe's  hair — 
lines  to  her  raven  tresses — stanzas  to  her  locks  of  jet 
— odes  to  her  ebon  ringlets — verses  to  her  sable  curls 
— rhymes  to  her  coal-black  hair,  and  commenced  a 
poem  in  IT  cantos,  to  her  ebony-topped  head,  but  on 
reflection  I  was  led  to  doubt  the  propriety  of  the 
comparison. 

Called  to  see  her  every  evening — substantial 
victuals  didn't  agree  with  me — a  kind  word  from  her 


116  DOESTICKS. 

was  a  good  breakfast — a  tender  glance  has  served 
me  for  a  dinner  many  a  time,  and  once  when  she 
pressed  my  hand  I  couldn't  eat  anything  for  a  fort 
night  but  oranges,  cream-candy,  and  vanilla-beans. 

We  went  to  the  theatre,  endured  the  negro  min 
strels,  and  braved  the  horrors  of  a  second-rate  Italian 
Opera  Company — in  fact,  everywhere,  where  there 
was  anything  to  be  seen  or  heard,  there  were  Calan- 
the  Maria,  and  her  devoted  Philander. 

For  a  month  I  forgot  my  debts,  neglected  busi 
ness,  ignored  entirely  this  mundane  sphere,  and 
lived  in  a  rainbow-colored  aerial  castle,  of  the  most 
elegant  finish — surrounded  by  roses,  attended  by 
cupids,  and  just  big  enough  for  Calanthe  Maria  and 
the  subscriber. 

In 'that  happy  place  there  were  no  duns,  no  tailors' 
bills,  no  trouble,  no  debts,  no  getting  up  early  cold 
mornings,  no  tight  boots,  no  bad  cigars :  nothing  but 
love,  luxury,  and  Calanthe  Maria. 

Came  down  occasionally  out  of  my  airy  mansion, 
to  speak  a  few  words  of  compassion  to  my  companions 
in  the  office,  who  hadn't  got  any  Calanthe,  but  I 
went  right  back  again  as  quick  as  I  could  to  that 
rose-colored  dream-land  where  love  and  Calanthe 
were  "  boss  and  all  hands." 


L  F,  A  R  X  S     HIS     FOLLY.  11T 

At  last,  one  fatal  evening  I  was  undeceived. 

We  were  waltzing,  and  through  some  clumsiness 
on  my  part,  her  hair  caught  in  a  gas-fixture — some 
mysterious  string  broke,  and  those  glossy  ringlets, 
the  object  of  my  adoration,  came  off,  leaving  her 
head  bald  as  a  brickbat.  Relating  this  scrape  of 
the  locks  to  a  friend,  he  informed  me  that  the  rest  of 
her  charms  would  not  bear  minute  inspection,  for  she 
wore  false  teeth,  and  bought  her  complexion  at  Pha- 
lon's  ;  that  her  graceful  form  was  the  result  of  a 
skilful  combination  of  cotton  and  whalebone. 

This  was  too  much.  While  I  thought  Calanthe  a 
woman,  I  loved  her,  but  the  discovery  of  the  faJiy 
element  excited  a  prejudice — as  a  female,  she  had 
my  affection,  and  I  contemplated  matrimony — as  a 
land  mermaid,  I  had  no  desire  to  swindle  Barnum 
and  become  her  proprietor. 

Coming  as  I  did,  from  a  section  of  the  country 
where  they  have  human  women,  and  where  they 
don't  attempt  to  deceive  masculine  mankind  with 
French  millinery  strategy,  I  was  unprepared  for 
counterfeits,  and  had  been  easily  deluded  by  a 
spurious  article.  But  I  find  that  in  Xe\v  York, 
perambulating  bundles  of  dry  goods  not  unfrequently 
pass  current  as  women — and  the  milliners  now  put 


118  DOESTICKS. 

tlieir  eccentric  inventions  upon  these  locomotive 
shams,  to  the  great  neglect  of  those  revolving  waxen 
ladies  who  used  to  perform  their  perpetual  gyrations 
in  the  show-windows. 

As  an  advertising  medium,  they  possess  facilities 
for  publicity  beyond  any  of  the  newspapers,  having 
a  city  circulation,  which  is  unattainable  by  anything 
dumb  and  unpetticoated. 

The  great  staple  of  the  south  has  not  only  "  made" 
some  of  our  first  men,  but  has  been  discovered  to 
enter  largely  into  the  composition  of  many  of  our 
h'rst  ladies. 

My  madness  was  now  over — the  intoxication  of 
love  was  dissipated,  and  I  was  once  more  able  to  get 
about  my  business  without  having  a  feminine  name 
constantly  present  to  my  eyes.  The  stages,  the  dry- 
goods'  boxes,  the  streets  and  signs,  were  once  more 
lettered  in  sensible  characters.  I  was  guilty  of  no 
more  poetry,  went  to  no  more  operas — in  short, 
exhibited  no  longer  any  of  the  signs  of  insanity,  but 
relapsed  at  once  into  my  former  unpoetical  condition 
— the  spell  was  broken — the  blind  fiend  was  exor 
cised — reason  got  back  to  her  old  bunk,  and 
"  Richard  was  himself  again." 

The  difference  in  my  mental  condition  occasKted 


LOVE     DISSIPATED.  119 

my  landlady  considerable  alarm ;  while  I  had  lived 
on  love,  and  paid  five  dollars  a  week  for  the  privi 
lege  of  sitting  down  at  table  only,  she  had  considered 
me  a  profitable  boarder ;  but  the  disappearance  of 
beef  and  substantiate  generally,  consequent  upon  my 
returning  appetite,  sensibly  diminish  her  esteem  for 
me.  I  fancy  I  can  perceive  a  change  in  her  treat 
ment,  for  she  sets  the  bread  and  butter  as  far  away 
from  me  as  possible. 

P.  S. — She  has  raised  my  board  to  eight  dollars  a 
week,  and  with  a  consciousness  that  I  deserve  it, 
I  submit. 


XV. 


lloktn  |ntcitt  |ietjr—  C|urt!r-i0ing  in  Ik  Citir, 


from  the  rural  districts  —  who  are 
visiting  the  city  for  the  first  time,  and  who 
have  all  their  lives  been  accustomed  to  no  more 
pretentious  religious  edifices  than  the  old  fashioned 
country  meeting-house,  with  a  "  steeple,"  either  of 
the  extinguisher  or  pepper-castor  pattern  ;  with 
great  square  hot-house  windows,  built  expressly  to 
concentrate  and  reflect  upon  the  innocent  congre 
gation  the  hottest  rays  of  the  sun,  as  if  religion  was 
a  green-house  plant,  and  would  only  bloom  beneath 
a  forced  and  artificial  heat  —  usually  expend  no 
small  portion  of  their  simple  wonder  upon  the 
magnificent  temples  of  the  town,  which  aspiring 
congregations  erect  ostensibly  for  the  worship  of  the 
manger-cradled  Saviour. 

It  usually  too  requires  some  considerable  time  for 
such  a  behind-the-times  person  to  lay  aside  all  his 


GOES     TO     CHURCH.  121 

antiquated  notions  of  religion,  in  which  love, 
charity,  and  good  will  to  men  were  essential  ele 
ments,  but  which  primitive  idea  of  Christianity 
has,  in  the  more  enlightened  city  precincts,  been 
long  since  exploded,  and  adopt  the  more  convenient 
and  showy  piety  which  fashionable  city  people 
wear  on  Sundays — the  constituent  parts  of  which 
are  too  often  only  ostentation  and  vanity,  veneered 
with  a  thin  shell  of  decency  and  decorum.  Such 
church-going  people  are  remarkably  easy  on  the 
Bible — most  of  the  doctrines  therein  inculcated 
having  been  long  since  explained  away  by  their 
three-thousand-dollar  clergyman,  who  measures  his 
people  for  their  religion,  and  fits  them  with  as 
much  nicety  as  their  tailors  or  dressmakers  do  in 
the  case  of  more  visible  wardrobe.  One  or  two 
Sundays  after  my  first  appearance  in  this  town  of 
patent  Christianity,  I  attended  service  for  the  first 
time. 

Having  seen  the  opera  with  detestation,  the 
theatres  with  approbation,  George  Christy  with 
cachinnation,  and  No.  2  Dey  street  with  affiliation  ; 
having  visited  Castle  Garden,  the  model  artists, 
and  the  American  Museum ;  in  fact,  knowing  some- 

j  O 

thing  of  almost  all  the  other  places  of  amusement 


122  DOESTIOKS. 

in  the  city,  I  resolved  to  complete  and  crown  my 
knowledge  by  going  to  church,  and  I  hope  I  may 
receive  due  credit  for  my  pursuit  of  amusement 
under  difficulties.  I  made  known  my  heroic  deter 
mination  to  my  new-found  friends,  and  they 
instantly  resolved  to  bear  me  company — Bull 
Dogge  by  way  of  variety,  and  Damphool  from 
force  of  habit — (Bull  Dogge  seldom  goes  to  church, 
and  Damphool  always  does). 

Sunday  morning  came,  and  the  aforesaid  indi 
viduals  presented  themselves — B.  D.  looked  pug 
nacious  and  pugilistic,  and  Damphool  perfectly 
marvellous — in  fact,  majestic  as  this  latter-named 
person  had  ever  borne  himself,  and  importantly 
huge  as  he  had  ever  appeared,  his  coat  tails  were 
now  so  wonderfully  short,  his  collar  so  enviably 
large,  and  so  independently  upright,  and  his  hat  so 
unusually  and  magnificently  lofty,  that  he  certainly 
looked  a  bigger  Damphool  than  ever  before. 

Walked  up  Broadway  through  a  crowd  ofpeople 
of  all  sorts,  sizes,  colors,  and  complexions  ;  country 
men  running  over  every  third  man  they  met ;  JS  ew 
Yorkers  threading  their  way  through  apparently 
un-get-thro'-a-ble  crow^ds  without  ruffling  their 
tempers  or  their  shirt  collars — (By  the  way,  I  have 


GOES     TO     CHUKrii.  123 

discovered  that  no  one  but  a  genuine  Xew  Yorker, 
born  and  bred,  can  cross  Broadway  upon  a  dignified 
walk ;)  firemen  in  red  shirts,  and  their  coats  over 
their  arms  ;  newsboys  with  a  very  scanty  allowance 
of  shirt,  and  no  coats  at  all ;  Dutch  emigrants,  with 
dirty  faces,  nasty  breeches,  and  long  loppy  looking 
pipes ;  Irish  emigrants,  with  dirtier  faces,  nastier 
breeches,  and  short,  stubbier  pipes ;  spruce-looking 
darkies,  and  wenches  arrayed  in  rainbow-colored 
habiliments — and  at  last  reached  the  door  of  the 
church. 

For  about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  on  either  side  of  the 
entrance  there  extended  a  row  of  carriages,  lined 
with  satin,  with  velvet  cushions ;  and  on  every 
carriage  there  were  a  couple  of  men  with  white 
gloves  on,  gold  bands  round  their  hats,  a  black 
rosette  on  the  side,  and  a  short  cloak  over  their 
shoulders,  with  cloth  enough  in  the  multitudinous 
capes  of  each  to  make  a  full  suit  of  clothes  for  a 
common-sized  man,  and  three  or  four  half  grown 
boys.  Bull  Dogge  informed  me  that  these  were  the 
liveried  flunkies  of  our  republican  aristocracy,  and 
that  it  was  made  their  business  to  sit  outside  the 
church  and  watch  the  lazy  over-fed  horses,  while 
their  owners  were  inside  saving  American  "  amens" 


124:  DOES  TICKS. 

to  democratic  prayers  that  liberty  and  equality  may 
be  established  over  all  the  earth. 

The  coachman  spends  his  Sabbath  hours  in  the 
pious  occupation  of  cracking  his  whip  at  the  little 
boys  who  are  playing  marbles  on  the  side-walk, 
reading  the  Sunday  papers,  and  saying  hard  words 
at  the  flies  which  make  his  horses  shake  their 
nettings  off — while  the  genteel  footman  goes  to 
sleep  in  the  carriage,  with  his  boots  out  of  the 
window,  and  only  arouses  from  his  slumber  in  time 
to  open  the  door  for  my  lady,  as  she  comes  from 
her  courtly  devotions. 

We  passed  the  scrutiny  of  these  gentlemen  with 
out  exciting  any  audible  impertinence,  and  reached 
the  door  of  the  church.  Everything  looked  so 
grandly  gingerbready  that  I  hesitated  about  going 
in.  Little  boy  in  the  corner  (barefooted,  with  a 
letter  in  the  post-office)  told  us  to  "go  in"  and 
called  us  " lemons"  Did  not  perceive  the  force  of 
his  pomological  remark,  but  "  went  in "  never 
theless.  Man  in  a  white  cravat  showed  us  to  a 
pew  ;  floor  covered  with  carpet,  and  seat  covered 
with  damask,  with  little  stools  to  kneel  down  upon. 
Bull  Dogge  says  that  at  one  time  the  prevailing 
style  of  pantaloons  nearly  caused  a  division  in  the 


II  E  A  B  S     THE     O  B  G  A  X  .  125 

church,  which  was  however  compromised  by  an 
alteration  in  the  litany,  and  allowing  the  gentlemen 
to  stand  during  the  performance  of  certain  prayers 
instead  of  kneeling  down,  which  latter  feat  was 
difficult  of  accomplishment,  on  account  of  the 
tiylittiess  of  their  straps.  Some  of  the  congregation 
were  however  so  much  offended  that  they  stayed 
away,  and  used  home-made  prayers,  instead  of 
coming  to  church  and  dealing  in  the  orthodox 
ready-made  article. 

Got  inside ;  crowd  of  people  ;  minister  fenced  up 
in  a  kind  of  back  closet,  in  a  pulpit  trimmed  with 
red  velvet  and  gilt-edged  prayer-books. 

Pretty  soon,  music — organ — sometimes  grand  and 
solemn,  but  generally  fast  and  lively  enough  f«»r  a 
contra-dance.  (B.  D.  said  the  player  got  a  big  salary 
to  show  off  the  organ,  and  draw  a  big  house.) 

He  commenced  to  play  Old  Hundred  (Damphool 
suggests  Ancient  Century). 

At  first,  majestic  as  it  should  be,  but  soon  his  left 
hand  began  to  get  unruly  among  the  bass  notes,  then 
the  right  cut  up  a  few  monkey  shines  in  the  treble  ; 
left  threw  in  a  large  assortment  of  quavers,  right 
led  off  with  a  grand  nourish  and  a  few  dozen  varia 
tions  ;  left  struggled  manfully  to  keep  up,  but  soon 


126  DOESTICKS. 

gave  out,  dead  beat,  and  after  that  went  back  to  first 
principles,  and  hammered  away  religiously  at  Old 
Hundred,  in  spite  of  the  antics  of  its  fellow ;  right 
struck  up  a  march,  marched  into  a  quick  step,  quick 
ened  into  a  gallop ;  left  still  kept  at  Old  Hundred  ; 
right  put  in  all  sorts  of  fantastic  extras,  to  entice  the 
left  from  its  sense  of  propriety  ;  left  still  unmoved  ; 
right  put  in  a  few  bars  of  a  popular  waltz ;  left 
wavers  a  little  ;  right  strikes  up  a  favorite  polka ;  left 
evidently  yielding  ;  right  dashes  into  a  jig  ;  left  now 
fairly  deserts  its  colors  and  goes  over  to  the  enemy, 
and  both  commence  an  animated  hornpipe,  leaving 
poor  Old  Hundred  to  take  care  of  itself. 

Then  with  a  crash,  a  squeak,  a  rush,  a  roar,  a  rum 
ble,  and  an  expiring  groan,  the  overture  concluded 
and  service  began. 

First,  a  prayer ;  then  a  response  ;  prayer ;  res 
ponse  ;  by  the  priest  and  people  alternately,  like  the 
layers  of  bread  and  butter,  and  ham  and  mustard  in 
a  sandwich ;  then  a  little  sing,  then  a  little  preach, 
then  more  petitions  and  more  responses. 

Damphool  read  the  entire  service,  Minister's  cues 
included,  and  sung  all  the  hymns.  I  noticed  that 
Bull  Dogge  gave  all  the  responses  with  a  great  deal 
of  energy  and  vigor.  He  said  he  always  liked  to 


LOOKS     ABOUT     HIM.  127 

come  to  this  kind  of  Church,  because  when  they 
jawed  religion  at  him,  he  could  jaw  back. 

Kept  as  cool  as  I  could,  but  could  not  help  looking 
round  now  and  then  to  see  the  show. 

Elderly  lady  on  my  right,  very  devout,  gilt  edged 
prayer-book,  gold-covered  fan,  feathers  in  her  bon 
net,  rings  on  her  fingers,  and  for  all  I  know,  "  bells 
on  her  toes." 

Antiquated  gentleman  in  same  slip,  well  preserved 
but  somewhat  wrinkled,  smells  of  Wall  street,  gold 
spectacles,  gold-headed  cane,  put  three  cents  in  the 
plate. 

Fashionable  little  girl  on  the  left — two  flounces  on 
her  pantalettes,  and  a  diamond  ring  over  her  glove. 

Young  America  looking  boy,  four  years  old,  patent 
leather  boots,  standing  collar,  gloves,  cane,  and  cigar 
case  in  his  pocket. 

Foppish  young  man  with  adolescent  moustache, 
pumps,  legs  d  la  spermaceti  candles,  shirt  front  em 
broidered  d  la  2.40  race  horse,  cravat  d  la  Julien, 
vest  d  la  pumpkin  pie,  hair  d  la  soft  soap,  coat-tails 
d  la  boot  jack,  which  when  parted  discovered  a  view 
of  the  Crystal  Palace  by  gas-light  on  the  rear  of  his 

pantaloons,  wristbands  d  la  stove  pipe,  hat  d  la  wild 
6 


128  D  OE8  TICKS. 

Irishman,   cane    to   correspond ;    total    effect   d  la 
Shanghae. 

Artificial  young  lady,  extreme  of  fashion ;  can't 
properly  describe  her,  but  here  goes :  whalebone, 
cotton,  paint  and  whitewash  ;  slippers  d  la  Ellsler, 
feet  d  la  Japanese,  dress  d  la  Paris,  shawl  d  la  eleven 
hundred  dollars,  parasol  d  la  mushroom,  ringlets  d 
la  corkscrew,  arms  a  la  broomstick,  bonnet  d  la 
Bowery  gal  (Bull  Dogge  says  the  boy  with  buttons  on 
him,  brought  it  in,  in  a  teaspoon,  fifteen  minutes  after 
she  entered  the  house),  neck  d  la  scrag  of  mutton, 
complexion  d  la  mother  of  pearl,  appearance  gene 
rally  d  la  humbug.  (Bull  Dogge  offers  to  bet  his 
hat,  she  don't  know  a  cabbage  from  a  new  cheese, 
and  can't  tell  whether  a  sirloin  steak  is  beef,  chicken, 
or  fresh  fish.) 

At  length,  with  another  variette  upon  the  organ, 
and  all  the  concentrated  praise  and  thanksgiving  of 
the  congregation,  sung  by  four  people  up  stairs,  the 
service  concluded.  I  thought  from  the  manner  of 
this  last  performance,  each  member  of  the  choir  ima 
gined  the  songs  of  praise  would  never  get  to  Heaven 
if  he  didn't  give  them  a  personal  boost,  in  the  shape 
of  an  extra  yell. 


CONCLUSIONS.  129 

Left  the  Church  with  a  confused  idea  that  the  only 
way  to  attain  eternal  bliss,  is  to  go  to  Church  every 
Sunday,  and  to  give  liberally  to  the  Foreign  Mission 
ary  cause. 

Bull  Dogge  tried  to  convince  me,  that  one  half  the 
people  present,  thought  that  Fifth  avenue  runs  straight 
into  Heaven,  and  that  their  through  tickets  are  in 
sured,  their  front  seats  reserved,  and  that  when  they 
are  obliged  to  leave  this  world,  they  will  find  a  coach 
and  four,  and  two  servants  in  livery,  ready  to  take* 
them  right  through  to  the  other  side  of  Jordan. 


XVI. 


Clraritabk 


SWAS  so  much  affected  by  the  services  of  the 
Church,  had  my  feelings  so  much  excited,  and 
all  my  benevolent  and  charitable  nature  so  thorough 
ly  aroused  by  the  sermon,  that  I  felt  an  irresistible 
desire  to  rush  out  and  give  somebody  something. 

For  I  know  that  I  am  charitable  ;  I  feel  it  in  my 
bones,  like  rheumatism.  I  always  give  money  to  the 
begwoman,  who  has  such  a  large  family  at  home  ; 
and  to  the  whiny  boy,  with  a  club-foot,  who  asks 
charity  in  behalf  of  his  sick  mother. 

True,  I  have  seen  the  old  lady  when  she  was  evi 
dently  inebriated,  and  apparently  disposed  to 
harangue  the  crowd  in  high  Dutch  —  but  then  she 
was  in  excellent  company  ;  noble-looking  men,  with 
stars  on  their  bosoms  —  and  I  have  discovered  that 
the  club-footed  boy  changes  all  his  money  into  cents, 


GOES     TO     A     BALL.  131 

and  gambles  it  away,  playing  "  pitchpenny"  in 
Theatre-alley  ;  still,  I  keep  on  giving. 

But  it  is  also  a  fact  that  I  am  not  always  able  to 
comply  with  the  demands  upon  my  purse.  Twice 
have  I  been  invited  to  "  calico"  parties,  and  at  the 
bottom  of  each  note  was  a  modest  request  that  I 
would  make  my  appearance  arrayed  in  such  apparel 
only,  as  I  would  be  willing  to  donate  next  day  to  the 
Five-Points  Mission. 

Could  have  done  like  the  others — bought  a  ready- 
made  coat  and  vest  and  given  them  with  the 
greatest  pleasure — but  the  hint  in  the  invitation 
seemed  to  include  the  entire  wardrobe  brought  into 
requisition  on  the  occasion,  and  when  I  thought  of  a 
Five-Points  darkey  in  my  ruffled  shirt  and  gold  studs, 
I  was  "  suddenly  indisposed,"  and  sent  my  "  regrets." 

But  I  did  go  to  a  ball  for  the  benefit  of  the  poor — 
a  two-dollar  commingling  of  "  upper-tendom"  with 
"  lower-twentydom" — an  avalanche  of  exclusiveness, 
in  a  torrent  of  mobocracy — where  the  crowd  was  so 
great  that  faces  lost  their  identity,  and  I  was  only 
conscious  of  a  hustling  mass  of  dressed  up  humanity 
— a  forest  of  broadcloth  wrecked  in  an  ocean  of 
calico.  I  barely  escaped  with  life,  and  reached  home 
in  a  state  of  collapse. 


132  DOESTICKS. 

Afterward,  went  to  a  concert  in  behalf  of  the  poor 
— where  I  sat  all  the  evening  in  a  hard  seat  with  a 
number  on  the  back,  to  see  a  woman  make  faces  at 
a  well-dressed  audience,  and  sing  music  which  I 
could  not  understand — the  people  all  applauded 
when  she  screamed,  and  threw  bouquets  at  her  when 
she  made  a  noise  like  a  swamp-blackbird. 

But  after  listening  to  the  stirring  address  before 
alluded  to,  I  felt  that  I  had  not  done  enough ;  so, 
obedient  to  the  promptings  of  my  impulsive  nature, 
I  determined  to  give  something  more,  and  being  so 
far  cityfied  in  my  habits  that  I  desired  to  combine 
amusement  with  charity,  and  only  give  my  money 
to  the  needy  after  I  had  received  its  worth  in 
dancing,  got  its  full  value  in  foreign  music  at  a  high 
price,  or  eaten  its  equivalent  in  oysters  and  ice-cream 
at  some  kind  of  a  pseudo-charitable  gathering,  I 
looked  about  me  for  some  fitting  opportunity  to 
bestow  my  charity  on  the  deserving  poor,  after 
making  it  previously  pay  for  some  delectation  for 
myself. 

It  did  not  take  me  long  to  find  out  that  there  was 
soon  to  be  a  ladies'  fair,  in  aid  of  the  poor,  given  by 
the  benevolent  ladies  of  the  Church  of  the  Holy 
Poker. 


ATTENDS     A     FAIR.  133 

Damphool  (who  can't  give  up  city  associations, 
and  who  wouldn't  read  his  Bible  if  it  wasn't 
printed  in  Xew  York)  had  sent  to  me  from  his 
rural  solitude  to  procure  him  a  dressing-gown,  a 
pair  of  slippers,  and  a  crocheted  worsted  comforter. 

Thought  I  couldn't  have  a  better  opportunity  to 
purchase  these,  and  so  I  went  to  the  fair. 

Got  to  the  hall,  paid  my  twenty-five  cents  at  the 
door,  went  in — saw  plenty  of  long  tables,  with 
ladies  behind  them  playing  "  keep  store  " — tables 
covered  with  mysterious  articles  of  baby  linen,  and 
complicated  pieces  of  female  harness,  designed  for 
uses  to  me  unknown,  and  also  all  sorts  of  imprac 
ticable  unnecessaries  intended  for  gentlemen. 

Slippers  that  you  couldn't  get  on ;  smoking  caps 
that  could  never,  by  any  possibility,  fit  anybody 
(shaped  like  a  Chinese  pagoda,  and  full  of  tinsel 
and  spangles  to  make  them  prickly) ;  cigar  cases, 
that  you  couldn't  get  a  cigar  into  without  breaking 
both  ends  off  (perhaps  they  expect  us  to  smoke 
"  stubs,"  like  the  newsboys) ;  pin-cushions,  stuffed 
so  hard  they  would  turn  the  point  of  a  marlin-spike  ; 
watch  cases,  just  big  enough  to  hold  a  three  cent 
piece ;  pen  wipers,  that  fill  the  point  of  a  pen  full 
of  wool — and  divers  other  nonsensical  inconve- 


134:  DOESTICKS. 

niences  fabricated  by  speculating  females,  the  pat 
terns  being  always  very  short,  and  the  stitches  very 
long  (I  suppose  they  think  we  don't  know  the 
difference),  to  palm  off  upon  victimized  gentlemen  ; 
and  these  latter  resignedly  submit  to  a  price  so 
exorbitant,  that  if  a  Chatham-street  Israelite  had 
the  impudence  to  ask  it  they'd  straighten  out  his 
fish-hook  nose  like  a  darning  needle. 

The  prettiest  looking  girls  are  always  placed  where 
the  least  attractive-looking  merchandise  is  displayed, 
and  they  ask  the  biggest  kind  of  prices,  trusting  to 
the  gallantry  of  the  gentlemen  "  not  to  beat  them 
down,"  flattering  themselves,  I  suppose,  that  their 
pretty  looks  are  "  value  received  "  for  the  exchange. 

One  consequence  of  this  arrangement  is,  that 
every  buyer  spends  all  the  money  he  has  in  his 
purse,  taking  in  exchange  therefor  a  lot  of  stuff  so 
utterly  useless,  and  so  ridiculously  absurd,  that  after 
having  it  on  his  table  for  a  week  or  so  to  laugh  at, 
he  is  fain  to  get  rid  of  the  rubbish,  by  giving  the 
whole  to  his  chamber-maid. 

Sometimes  your  purchases  will  hold  together  till 
you  leave  the  room,  and  sometimes  not ;  you  must 
show  yourself  a  man,  and  "  equal  to  either  fortune." 

There  was  a  post-office  ;   pretty  girl  called  me ; 


SOLICITED.  135 

had  a  letter  for  me ;  bought  it ;  paid  ten  cents  ; 
nothing  in  it — blank. 

Solicitous  young  lady  very  anxious  to  have  me 
give  her  twenty-five  cents  to  tell  me  how  much  I 
weighed  ;  paid  her  the  money,  and  •  she  told  me 
within  fifty-one  pounds  and  a  half. 

Young  woman  wanted  me  to  invest  in  the  "  grab 
bag ;"  gave  half  a  dollar,  and  fished  in ;  got,  in 
three  times  trying,  a  tin  whistle,  half  a  stick  of 
candy,  and  a  peanut  done  up  in  tissue  paper. 

Went  on  to  the  auction  table,  where,  after  much 
competition  with  a  ringleted  miss  (who  was  put 
there  to  make  Peter  Funk  bids  against  probable 
purchasers),  succeeded  in  bidding  in  a  China  vase, 
which  I  soon  discovered  had  a  hole  in  the  bottom, 
and  wouldn't  hold  water  any  more  than  it  would 
bake  pork.  If  I  had  bought  it  anywhere  else 
should  have  thought  I  had  been  swindled,  and  have 
demanded  my  money  back,  but  here  I  supposed  it 
was  an  exemplification  of  some  newly  discovered 
principle  of  fair  dealing  with  which  I  was  not  yet 
acquainted. 

AVas  much  amused  with  the  way  they  disposed  of 
the  unsold  goods — certain  number  of  articles,  (things 

left  at  the  tables  tended  by  the  homely  girls)  and  for 
6* 


136  BOESTICKS. 

each  article  twenty  tickets  were  put  into  a  hat, whence 
they  were  drawn  out  singly,  and  the  last  tickets 
drawn  were  to  have  the  prizes — should  have  thought 
it  was  just  the  same  as  a  lottery,  if  I  had  not  been 
acquainted  with  the  ladies,  and  known  they  wouldn't 
do  anything  so  naughty. 

Came  to  a  place  where  an  old  lady,  with  steel 
spectacles,  was  cutting  up  a  loaf  of  cake  into  par 
ticularly  small  pieces — asked  what  it  meant — was 
told  there  was  a  gold  ring  somewhere  in  the  cake, 
and  they  proposed  to  sell  each  piece  for  a  quarter  of 
a  dollar,  and  give  the  ring  to  the  lucky  buyer — won 
dered  if  it  wasn't  another  lottery  on  a  small  scale, 
but  supposed  it  couldn't  be — went  to  the  supper-room. 

It  is  a  curious  metropolitan  fact,  that  at  parties, 
balls,  or  wherever  a  refreshment-table  is  spread, 
every  man  seems  to  regard  it  as  his  duty  to  fill  him 
self  to  the  very  lips  with  all  the  "  delicacies  of  the 
season,"  and  to  accomplish  it  in  the  least  time 
possible— as  if  he  was  a  gun,  and  anxious  to  ascer 
tain  his  calibre,  and  find  out  how  quickly  he  could 
be  loaded  in  case  of  necessity. 

And  the  ladies  are  not  far  behind  ;  this  evening  I 
^earned  how  much  a  female  can  eat  in  a  charitable 
cause. 


MAKES     AN     INVESTMENT.  137 

A  pale-faced  ball-room  belle  is  a  modern  Sphinx 
— a  gastronomic  problem,  whose  solution  will  pro 
bably  never  be  satisfactorily  expounded. 

Under  the  impression  that  she  would  not  eat  more 
than  I  had  money  to  pay  for,  I  invited  a  lady  to  take 
some  refreshments,  and  I  certainly  think  that,  like 
the  countryman,  she  imagined  she  was  bound  to  eat 
all  the  bill-of-fare  called  for. 

She  ate  stewed  oysters — fried  oysters — boiled  tur 
key  with  oyster  sauce,  celery — oysters  on  the  shell 
— ice  cream,  sponge  cake,  and  Charlotte  russe — 
Roman  punch,  two  water-ices,  coffee,  sandwiches, 
cold  sausage,  lobster  salad,  oysters  broiled,  also 
stewed  again,  and  six  on  the  shell — orange  jelly, 
grape  ditto,  cake  ;  she  then  hinted  again  at  oysters, 
but  as  the  supply  had  run  out,  she  was  obliged  to  go 
hungry — paid  the  bill  with  a  certified  check  on  the 
Merchants'  Bank,  which  luckily  covered  the  amount, 
and  greatly  relieved  my  mind ;  for  I  feared  there 
would  be  a  balance  which  I  would  have  to  give  my 
note  for. 

Having  previously  procured  the  articles  required 
for  my  friend,  I  immediately  left — go  home — got 
there,  and  proceeded  to  examine  my  purchases — 
found  that  the  slippers — having  been  pasted  together 


138  DOESTICKS. 

without  the  slightest  regard  to  permanency,  had  come 
apart  in  my  pocket,  my  comforter  had  ravelled  out, 
so  that  I  had  about  six  inches  comforter,  and  a  wad 
of  yarn  big  enough  to  make  a  horse  blanket — my 
dressing-gown  had  been  made  of  a  moth-eaten  rem 
nant,  and  where  there  was  any  sewing,  every  stitch 
was  as  long  as  a  railroad,  but  the  sleeves  had,  I 
verily  believe,  been  put  in  with  court  plaster,  and 
the  long  seams  closed  with  carpenter's  glue. 

Made  up  my  mind  that  the  objects  of  that  femi 
nine  institution,  a  Ladies'  Fair,  are  somewhat  as 
follows : 

Firstly,  to  give  the  ladies  an  opportunity  to  show 
their  new  clothes,  and  to  talk  with  a  multitude  of 
unknown  gentlemen,  without  any  preliminary  intro 
duction. 

Secondly,  to  beg  as  much  moneyas  possible  from  the 
gentlemen  aforesaid,  under  the  transparent  formality 
of  bargain  and  sale — which  sale  includes  the  buyer, 
who  is  really  the  only  article  fairly  "sold"  in  the 
whole  collection. 

Thirdly,  to  give  some  money  to  the  ostentatiously 
poor,  if  there  is  any  left  after  paying  expenses,  and 
the  Committee  don't  spend  it  in  carriage-hire. 

In  New  York,  by  a  refinement  in  Benevolence, 


MEDITATES.  139 

engendered  by  the  hardness  of  the  times,  and  the 
necessity  of  making  the  money  go  as  far  as  it  will, 
charity  money  answers  a  double  purpose  ;  procuring 
pleasure  for  the  rich,  and  soup  for  the  poor. 

Thus  if  you  pay  three  dollars  for  a  ticket  to  the 
Opera  or  Ball,  you  can  enjoy  your  Aria,  or  Schot- 
tische,  with  a  double  relish ;  and  can  eat  oysters  and 
turkey,  and  gulp  down  creams  and  ices  till  your 
stomach  "  strikes,"  in  the  labor  of  love,  with  the 
happy  consciousness,  that  it  is  all  for  "  sweet  charity" 
— and  if  the  three  dollars,  before  it  reach  the  needy, 
in  whose  behalf  you  gave  it,  dwindles  to  three  dimes 
and  a  fip,  you  can,  knowing  you  have  done  your 
duty,  poetically  exclaim,  with  the  noble  Thane, 
"  Thou  can'st  not  say  1  did  it." 


XVII. 


|uKte  —  Jtoto  ijjtj  Mh't  50 


company  with  many  others  of  the  same  genus 
and  who  may  be  classed  under  the  same  general 
cognomen,  my  friend  Damphool  lately  became  con 
vinced  that  according  to  the  comfortable  prediction  of 
Mr.  Miller,  the  "end  of  Earth"  would  become  speedily 
visible  to  the  naked  eye,  as  that  amiable  gentleman 
had  advertised  the  world  to  burn  on  the  nineteenth 
day  of  May,  1855.  According  to  the  programme,  the 
entertainment  was  to  commence  with  a  trumpet  solo 
by  Gabriel  (not  the  one  of  City  Hall  celebrity),  to 
be  followed  by  §  general  "  gittin'  up  stairs,"  and 
grand  mass  meeting  of  the  illustrious  defunct  —  after 
which  "  the  elect"  were  to  start  for  Paradise  in  spe 
cial  conveyances  provided  for  their  accommodation 
—  the  whole  to  conclude  with  a  splendid  display  of 
fireworks  in  the  evening. 

Damphool  had  done  nothing  but  sing  psalms  for  a 


SEES     THE     MILLEKITES.  lil 

week.  Bull  Dogge,  who  was  also  a  convert,  had 
packed  up  his  wardrobe  in  a  hat-box,  and  left  the 
city ;  saying  that  he  owned  forty  shares  in  a  Ken 
tucky  coal  mine,  and  was  going  to  take  possession 
of  his  property ;  and  he  offered  to  bet  us  the  drinks 
that  if  he  stood  on  a  vein  of  that  coal,  he  would  be 
the  last  man  scorched. 

Damphool  squared  up  his  board  bill,  and  paid  his 
washerwoman,  which  left  him  dead  broke  ;  sold  his 
watch  to  a  "  blaspheming  Jew"  to  raise  money  with 
which  to  procure  an  ascension  robe  ;  in  order  to  do 
honor  to  the  occasion,  he  got  one  made  of  linen 
cambric  ;  it  was  a  trifle  too  long,  and  cut  him  ma 
lignantly  under  the  arms,  but  he  bore  it  like  a  mar 
tyr  ;  he  got  shaved,  took  a  bath,  put  on  his  robe,  bid 
me  farewell,  and  got  ready  to  go  up. 

I  discovered  the  place  from  which  they  were  to 
start,  and  went  up  myself  to  see  the  operation — in  a 
vacant  lot,  where  there  were  no  tr^s  to  catch  their 
skirts  in  their  anticipated  flight — large  crowd  on  the 
ground. 

One  maiden  lady  in  a  long  white  gown,  had  also 
dressed  her  lap-dog  in  a  similar  manner. 

Man  with  a  family  Bible  in  his  hand,  had  forgot 
ten  his  robe,  and  come  in  his  shirt-sleeves. 


142  DOESTICKS. 

Ancient  wench  in  a  white  night-gown,  with  red 
slices,  and  a  yellow  handkerchief  round  her  head, 
knelt  down  in  a  small  puddle  of  rain  water,  and 
prayed  to  take  her  up  easy,  and  not  hurt  her  sore 
ancle. 

Lady  from  East  Broadway,  came  in  a  robe  cut  low 
in  the  neck,  and  trimmed  with  five  flounces. 

Red-haired  woman  made  her  appearance  with  a 
crying  baby,  to  the  consternation  of  the  company, 
who  expected  to  go  to  Heaven,  and  had  no  relish  for 
a  preliminary  taste  of  the  other  place. 

Careful  old  lady,  brought  her  overshoes  in  a  work- 
basket,  to  wear  home  in  case  the  performance  should 
be  postponed. 

Little  girl,  had  her  doll,  and  her  three  year  old 
brother  had  a  hoop,  a  tin  whistle,  and  a  painted  kite. 

Poor  washerwoman  came,  but  as  she  had  only  a 
cotton  robe,  and  a  scant  pattern  at  that,  the  more 
aristocratic  ladies  moved  farther  away,  and  smelt 
their  cologne,  while  the  poor  woman  knelt  down  in 
the  corner,  with  her  face  to  the  fence. 

Sixth  Avenue  lady  came  in  a  white  satin  robe ; 
had  a  boy  to  hold  up  her  train,  and  she  had  her  own 
hands  full  of  visiting  cards. 

An  African  brunette  carried   a  cushion  for  her 


COGITATES.  143 

mistress  to  kneel  upon,  and  a  man  followed  behind 
with  a  basket  containing  her  certificate  of  church 
membership,  a  gilt-edged  prayer-book,  two  mince- 
pies  and  some  ham  sandwiches. 

Old  cripple  hobbled  up,  and  as  he  was  devoutly 
saying  his  prayers,  a  bad  boy  (who  had  not  made 
any  preparation  for  aerial  travelling)  stole  his  crutch 
to  make  a  ball  club. 

Crowd  began  to  separate  into  knots,  according  to 
their  different  creeds  and  beliefs  ;  Unitarians,  Bap 
tists,  Presbyterians,  and  Methodists,  clustering  round 
their  respective  preachers. 

I  noticed  that  one  old  lady,  evidently  believing  in 
the  perfect  sanctity  of  her  darling  minister,  and 
desiring  to  insure  her  own  passage,  had  tied  herself 
to  his  left  leg  with  a  fish  line. 

Baptist  man  was  preaching  close  communion. 

Presbyterian  man  was  descanting  on  the  account 
ability  of  infants,  and  asserting  that  a  child  three 
years  old  can  commit  sufficient  sin  to  doom  it  to  the 
lowest  hell. 

Sunrise — all  knelt  down  to  pray  ;  east  wind  blew, 
and  it  began  to  rain.  I  noticed  that  Damphool  had 
found  a  dry  place  on  the  lee  side  of  a  cider  barrel. 

Methodist   man   took  oif  his  coat,  and  made  a 


1-ii  DOE  STICKS. 

stump  prayer,  while  all  his  congregation  yelled 
"  Glory. n 

Baptist  man  inserted  a  special  clause  in  his  sup 
plication,  that  he  and  his  crowd  might  go  up  in  a 
separate  boat. 

Ministers  all  prayed  at  each  other,  and/br  nobody. 

Know-Nothing  clergyman  addressed  a  long-winded 
political  prayer  to  the  Almighty,  detailing  the 
latest  election  returns,  deploring  the  choice  of  the 
opposition  candidate,  imploring  his  blessing  on  the 
next  governor  (if  the  world  should  stand),  insinuated 
that  he  expected  the  nomination  himself,  and  con 
cluded  by  advising  Him  to  exclude  from  heaven  all 
foreigners,  or  they  would  refuse  to  live  up  to  the 
regulations,  and  would  certainly  kick  up  another 
row  among  the  celestials. 

Down-town  man,  on  hand,  ready  to  go  up  ;  tried 
to  pray,  but  from  want  of  practice,  could  only  utter 
some  disjointed  sentences  about  "  uncurrent  funds," 
"  money  market,"  "  Erie  down  to  36  ;"  (Damphool 
whispered  that  if  that  man  ever  got  to  heaven  he 
would  melt  down  the  golden  harp  into  coin,  and  let 
it  out  at  two  per  cent,  a  month.) 

Began  to  rain  harder ;  wind  decidedly  chilly ; 
their  teeth  chattered  with  cold,  and  they  began  to 


COGITATES. 

wish  for  the  conflagration  to  commence.  Naughty 
boys  on  the  fence  began  to  throw  stones — promiscu 
ous  praying  on  every  side.  Anxious  man  stopped  in 
the  midst  of  a  long,  touching  supplication  to  cuff  the 
ears  of  a  little  boy  who  hit  him  with  a  brick ;  hours 
slipped  away,  began  to  think  the  entertainment  was 
"  postponed  on  account  of  the  weather." 

Noon  came  ;  folks  were  not  half  so  scared  as  they 
were  in  the  morning ;  ministers  had  got  too  hoarse 
to  talk,  and  were  passing  the  time  kissing  the 
sisters. 

Damphool  looked  so  chilly  that  I  got  him  a  glass 
of  hot  whiskey  punch  ;  he  looked  at  me  with  holy 
horror,  and  went  on  with  his  prayer,  but  before  he 
got  to  "  amen,"  the  punch  had  disappeared. 

Husband  of  red-haired  woman  came  and  ordered 
her  to  go  home  and  wash  the  breakfast  dishes  and 
then  mend  his  Sunday  pantaloons. 

One  o'clock,  zeal  began  to  cool  off;  at  two  the 
enthusiasm  was  below  par ;  at  three  the  rain  poured 
so  that  I  thought  an  alteration  in  the  Litany  would 
be  necessary  to  make  it  read,  "  Have  mercy  upon  us 
miserable  swimmers"  Small  boy  threw  a  handful 
of  gravel  at  long  man,  which  hit  him  in  the  face, 
and  made  him  look  like  a  mulatto  with  the  small- 


146  DOESTICKS. 

pox.  Long  man  punched  small  boy  with  a  fence 
rail. 

Four  o'clock ;  Gabriel  hadn't  come  yet.  Damphool, 
much  disappointed,  muttered  something  about  being 
"  sold ;"  people  evidently  getting  hungry  ;  no  loaves 
or  fishes  on  the  ground ;  woman  with  two  children 
said  she  was  going  home  to  put  them  in  the  trundle- 
bed  ;  long  man  looked  round  to  see  that  no  one  was 
looking,  then  tucked  his  robe  under  his  arm,  got 
over  the  fence,  and  started  for  home  on  a  dog  trot. 

Dark;  no  signs  of  fireworks  yet;  pyrotechnic 
exhibition  not  likely  to  commence  for  some  time. 
Crowd  impatient.  (I  here  missed  Damphool,  and 
found  him  an  hour  afterwards,  paying  his  devotions 
to  an  eighteen-penny  oyster  stew  and  a  mug  of  ale.) 

Stayed  an  hour  longer,  when  the  crowd  began  to 
disperse,  with  their  ascension  robes  so  sadly  draggled, 
that  if  they  HAD  received  a  second  summons  to  go,  it 
would  ha\7e  taken  an  extra  quantity  of  soap-suds  to 
make  them  presentable  among  decent  angels. 

Appointed  myself  a  committee  of  five  to  inquire 
into  the  matter ;  offered  the  following  resolution, 
which  I  unanimously  adopted  : — 

Resolved,  That  putting  on  a  clean  shirt  to  go  to 
heaven  in,  don't  always  result  in  getting  there,  even 


OFFERS     A     RESOLUTION.  147 

though  the  tails  be  of  extra  length,  and  that  the 
creed  which  teaches  such  a  mode  of  procedure  is  a 
farcical  theology,  fully  worthy  to  be  ranked  among 
the  many  other  excellent  "sells"  of  that  veteran 
joker  of  world- wide  celebrity — Jo  Miller \ 


XVIII. 


|HE  only  dramatic  performances  known  in  the 
wild  region  where  I  passed  some  of  my  early 
years,  are  given  by  companies  of  strolling  players 
who  usually  give  their  classic  entertainments  in  a 
barn,  have  a  piece  of  carpet  for  a  drop  curtain,  four 
tallow  candles  for  footlights,  and  who  generally  go 
out  of  town  in  the  night  without  paying  their  Tavern 
bills. 

Almost  every  Drama  performed  by  them,  requires 
more  people  to  represent  it  than  are  contained  in  the 
entire  troupe  ;  the  services  of  a  crowd  of  aspiring 
country  boys  are  secured  for  soldiers,  citizens,  rob 
bers,  and  other  personages  who  don't  have  to  say 
anything  ;  but  there  is  still  a  large  gap  which  can 
only  be  filled  by  the  "  doubling"  of  several  parts  by 
one  performer.  Hence  it  is  by  no  means  unusual  in 
the  "  tragedy  of  Richard  III."  to  see  King  Henry, 


The    Great    "  American    Tragedian. 


VISITS     THE     THEATRE.  151 

after  being  deliberately  despatched  by  Gloster  in  the 
first  act,  reappear  in  the  second  as  the  Duke  of  Buck 
ingham,  and  then,  after  his  supposed  decapitation  in 
obedience  to  the  ferocious  order  of  Richard,  "  Off 
with  his  head,"  come  back  in  the  final  scenes, 
equipped  in  a  full  suit  of  mail,  as  the  Earl  of  Rich 
mond,  and  avenging  his  double  murder  by  killing 
the  "  crook-backed  tyrant"  with  a  broadsword  after 
a  prolonged  struggle. 

And  in  Macbeth,  King  Duncan,  after  being 
carved  up  by  his  treacherous  kinsman  with  two 
white  handled  butcher-knives,  returns  as  Hecate  in 
the  witch  scenes,  and  afterwards  as  court  physician 
to  Lady  M.,  besides  which  he  generally  blows  the 
flourishes  on  the  trumpet  for  the  entrances  of  the 
King,  beats  the  bass  drum,  and  attends  to  the  sheet- 
iron  thunder. 

I  have  always  had  a  passion  for  theatricals,  and 
was  at  one  time  of  my  variegated  existence  much 
more  intimately  connected  with  the  stage  than  at 
present — and  on  reaching  this  city  I  felt,  of  course, 
a  great  desire  to  behold  again  the  theatre,  with  all 
its  brilliant  fascinations — the  light,  the  music,  the 
varied  scenery  comprising  gardens,  chambers,  cot 
tages,  mountains,  "  cloud-capped  towers  and  gor- 


152  DOESTICKS. 

geous  palaces,"  bar-rooms,  churches,  huts  and  hovels 
— to  look  again  upon  the  glass  jewels,  the  tinselled 
robes  of  mimic  royalty,  the  pasteboard  banquets  and 
molasses  wine,  and  all  the  glory,  "  pride,  pomp  and 
circumstance"  and  humbug  which  I  once  "  knew  so 
well,"  "  et  quorum  magna  pars  fui" 

So,  with  my  trusty  friends,  Damphool  and  Bull 
Dogge,  I  wended  my  way  to  the  Metropolitan  Thea 
tre  No.  1,  to  see  and  hear  the  distinguished  Mr. 
Rantanrave  Hellitisplit,  the  notorious  American  tra 
gedian,  in  his  great,  original,  unapproachable,  incon 
ceivable,  inexplicable,  incomprehensible  part  of 
"  What  a  bore  O,  the  last  of  the  Yollypogs." 

I  had  heard  so  much  of  this  great  actor  in  this 
particular  part,  that  I  expected  to  behold  nothing 
less  than  the  "  Eighth  wonder  of  the  world." 

Opera  glasses  were  continually  levelled  at  us  by 
people  who,  impelled  by  a  laudable  curiosity,  were 
anxious  to  see  all  that  could  be  seen.  (Damphool 
says,  that  when  you  see  a  woman  with  one  of  these 
implements,  you  may  be  sure  she  wants  to  be  looked 
at — and  called  my  attention  to  the  confirmatory  fact, 
that  all  the  ladies  with  the  finest  busts,  and  the  best 
developed  forms,  wore  their  dresses  the  lowest  in  the 
neck,  and  sported  the  biggest  opera  glasses).  (Bull 


OBSERVATIONS.  153 

i 

Dogge  asserts  that  they  were  invented  by  the  author 
of  "  Staring  made  Easy,"  and  "  A  Treatise  on  the 
Dae  of  Globes.") 

After  a  season  of  tramping  by  the  intelligent  au 
dience,  which  seemed,  by  its  measured  regularity,  to 
intimate  that  they  had  learned  the  motion  in  the 
treadmill,  the  bell  jingled  and  the  members  of  the 
orchestra  entered,  one  by  one. 

The  audience  endured  the  prolonged  tuning  of  the 
instruments,  conducted  in  a  masterly  manner  by  the 
leader  of  the  band,  the  music  got  "  good  ready"  for 
a  fair  start,  and  at  the  word  "  go"  they  went. 

Could  not  critically  analyse  the  uproar,  but  it 
seemed  to  be  composed  of  these  elements :  a  predo 
minance  of  drum  and  cymbals — a  liberal  allowance 
of  flute  and  horn — a  spasmodic  sprinkling  of  trom 
bone — a  small  quantity  of  oboe,  and  a  great  deal  of 
fiddle.  The  tumult  was  directed  by  the  leader,  who 
waved  the  fiddle  over  his  head,  jumped  up  and 
down  upon  his  seat,  kicked  up  his  heels,  disarranged 
his  shirt  collar,  threw  his  arms  wildly  about,  stamped, 
made  faces,  and  conducted  himself  as  if  he  was 
dancing  a  frantic  hornpipe  for  the  gratification  of  the 
crazy  whims  of  an  audience  of  Bedlamites. 

At  length  the  curtain  went  up — two  men  came  on 

7 


154:  DOESTICKS. 

I 

and  said  something,  then  two  others  came  on  and 
did  something — then  the  scene  changed,  and  some 
others  came  on  and  listened  to  a  shabby-looking  ge 
neral,  who  seemed  to  be  their  "  magnus  Apollo"  and 
who  certainly  was  very  long-winded. 

Nothing  decisive,  however,  came  to  pass  until  the 
long-expected  entrance  of  the  great  Hellitisplit  him 
self  eventuated. 

I  must  confess  that  I  was  awed  by  the  terrific  yet 
serene  majesty  of  his  appearance.  When  I  saw  the 
tragic,  codfishy  expression  of  his  eyes,  I  was  sur 
prised  ;  when  I  observed  the  flexibility  of  his  capa 
cious  mouth,  opening  and  shutting,  like  a  dying  mud- 
sucker,  I  was  amazed.  When  my  eye  turned  to  his 
fingers,  which  worked  and  clutched,  as  if  feeling  for 
coppers  in  a  dark  closet,  I  was  wonder-stricken — but 
when  my  attention  was  called  to  the  magnitude  of  his 
legs,  I  was  fairly  electrified  with  admiration,  and  could 
-not  forbear  asking  Bull  Dogge  if  those  calves  were 
capable  of  locomotion. 

What-a-bore-O,  is  supposed  to  be  an  Indian  Chief, 
and  although  it  is  the  prevailing  impression  that  In 
dians  are  beardless,  the  face  of  this  celebrated  per 
former  proved  this  opinion  to  be  a  physiological 
fallacy. 


AWE     STRICKEN.  155 

I 

For  upon  his  cliin  lie  wore  a  tuft  of  hair,  a  round 
black  hirsute  knob,  neither  useful  nor  ornamental,  but 
which  looked  as  if  somebody  had  hit  him  in  the  face 
with  a  blacking-brush,  and  a  piece  had  stuck  to  his 
lower  jaw. 

The  admiring  audience,  who  had  kicked  up  per 
fect  young  earthquake  when  he  came  on,  only  ceased 
when  he  squared  himself,  put  out  his  arm  and  pre 
pared  to  speak. 

That  voice !  Ye  Gods !  that  voice !  It  went 
through  gradations  that  human  voice  never  before 
attempted,  imitating  by  turns  the  horn  of  the  City 
Hall  Gabriel,  the  shriek  of  the  locomotive,  the  soft 
and  gentle  tones  of  a  forty -horse-power  steam  saw 
mill,  the  loving  accents  of  the  scissor-imnder's  wheel, 

/  O  O  / 

the  amorous  tones  of  the  charcoal-man,  the  rumble 
of  the  omnibus,  the  cry  of  the  driver  appertaining 
thereto — -rising  from  the  entrancing  notes  of  the  in 
furiated  house-dog  to  the  terrific  cry  of  the  oyster 
vender — causing  the  "  supes"  to  tremble  in  their 
boots,  making  the  fiddlers  look  around  for  some  place 
of  safety,  and  moving  the  assembled  multitude  to 
echo  back  the  roar,  feebly,  it  is  true,  but  still  with 
all  their  puny  strength. 

(Bull  Dogge  says    he  got  that   awful   voice    by 


156  DOES  TICKS. 

eating  pebble-stone  lunches,  like  the  man  in  the 
book.) 

Several  times  during  the  piece  I  was  much  affected 
— when  he  wound  his  arms  round  his  wife,  stuck  his 
head  over  her  shoulder,  and  kissed  the  back  of  her 
neck — when  he  made  a  grand  exit,  with  three  stamps, 
a  hop,  a  run,  and  two  long  straddles — when  he  talked 
grand  about  the  thunder,  shook  his  fist  at  the  man  in 
the  flies — when  he  killed  the  soldiers  in  the  council 
room,  shouted  for  them  to  "  come  one  and  all,"  and 
then  ran  away  for  fear  they  would — when  he  swore 
at  the  man  who  did  not  give  him  his  cue — when  he 
knelt  down  and  said  grace  over  his  dead  boy,  and 
then  got  up  and  stuck  his  wife  with  the  butcher- 
knife  ;  but  at  no  part  of  the  whole  piece  was  I  so 
impressed  with  his  pathetic  power,  his  transcendent 
genius,  as  when  he  laid  his  hand  solemnly  on  his 
stomach,  and  said  "  What  a  bore,  O  cannot  lie !" 
(Damphool  asked,  in  a  whisper,  if  Othello's  occupa 
tion  was  gone). 

And  at  the  death  scene,  when  he  was  shot,  I  was 
again  touched  to  the  heart ;  first  he  wabbled  about 
like  a  top-heavy  liberty  pole  in  a  high  wind ;  then 
he  stuck  out  one  leg,  and  wiggled  it,  after  the  man 
ner  of  a  galvanic  bull-frog ;  then  sat  down  on  the 


TOUCHED     TO     THE     HEART.  157 

floor,  opened  his  eyes  and  looked  around  ;  then 
grappled  an  Indian  on  one  side,  clutched  a  soldier  on 
the  other,  struggled  to  his  feet,  staggered  about  like 
a  drunken  Dutchman,  made  a  rush  forwards,  then 
a  leap  sideways,  stiffened  out  like  a  frozen  pig,  col 
lapsed  like  a  wet  dish-cloth,  exerted  himself  till  his 
face  was  the  color  of  an  underdone  beefsteak,  then 
sank  back  into  the  arms  of  the  Indians,  whispered  to 
let  him  down  easy,  rolled  up  the  whites  of  his  eyes, 
settled  himself  to  die — concluded  to  have  a  parting 
curse  at  the  surrounding  people,  took  a  long  swear, 
laid  down,  and  with  a  noise  in  his  throat  like  casta 
nets,  a  couple  of  vigorous  kicks  and  a  feeble  groan, 
gave  up  the  ghost. 

Bull  Dogge  asserted  that  he  would  resuscitate, 
brush  the  dust  off  his  legs  (take  some  gin  and  sugar, 
and  come  out  and  make  a  speech),  all  of  which  he 
did ;  the  butcher  boys  in  the  gallery  (Daniphool  says 
Hellitisplit  commenced  life  as  a  respectable  butcher- 
boy,  but  has  degenerated  into  the  man  he  is,)  s;ave 
three  cheers,  Hellitisplit  opened  his  mouth  four  times, 
shut  it  thrice  (he  went  off  with  it  wide  open),  and 
backed  off  with  a  grace  which  we  may  suppose 
would  be  exhibited  by  a  mudturtle  on  the  tight 
rope. 


158  DOESTICKS. 

Damphool  was  in  ecstacies — Bull  Dogge  asked  me 
liow  I  liked  the  "  great  American,"  &c."  I  replied 
that  I  knew  not  which  most  to  admire,  his  eupho 
nious  voice,  or  his  tremendous  straddle,  but  that 
(notwithstanding  the  late  appropriation  of  the  name 
by  a  rival  show-shop),  I  was  ready  to  maintain  with 
the  butcher  boys  that  there  was  but  one  Metropoli 
tan  Theatre,  and  Hellitisplit  is  its  profit. 


XIX. 

"  f  toe  fljotos"  of  the  Cits. 

'E  are  all  aware  that  Chatham  Street  and 
the  Bowery  are  the  legitimate  abiding 
places  of  those  benevolent  Hebrews,  whose  zeal  for 
the  public  welfare,  and  pity  for  ragged  humanity, 
lead  them  to  contumacy  offer  their  valuable  and 
undoubtedly  durable  a^'  of  wearing  apparel  to 
the  needy  public  "  .jost ;"  and  the  enviable 

philosophy  with  .icli  they  bear  the  "alarming 
sacrifices"  which  must  daily  deplete  their  ample  for 
tunes,  has  often  been  the  subject  of  wondering 
remark. 

The  question,  what  becomes  of  these  philanthropic 
tradesmen  after  their  ultimate  impoverishment, 
which  of  course  must  speedily  supervene,  is  a  fruit 
ful  subject  for  the  investigation  of  some  inquisitive 
mind.  The  charitable  supposition  is,  that  as  soon  as 
their  pecuniary  ruin  is  effectually  accomplished,  they 


160  DOE  STICKS. 

retire  to  the  shades  of  private  life,  happy  in  the  con 
sciousness  of  having  done  their  little  utmost  to  be 
nefit  the  human  race ;  seeing  in  each  well  dressed 
man,  a  perambulating  monument  of  their  benefi 
cence,  and  in  each  ragged  urchin,  cause  of  regret 
that  their  altered  circumstances  cannot  afford  him  a 
better  pair  of  breeches. 

But  these  Israelitish  avenues  before  mentioned, 
are  not  only  the  headquarters  of  these  philanthropic 
gentlemen,  but  are  the  depot  for  many  other  imita 
tions  of  humanity,  and  curious  specimens  of  human 
skill  unknown  to  the  unobserving. 

Here  abound  those  impassive  wooden  Indians  of 
some  tribe  extinct,  save  in  these  civilized  localities, 
who  stand  in  the  doors  of  seven  by  nine  tobacco- 
factories,  offering  in  persevering  silence  perpetual 
bunches  of  basswood  cigars  to  the  passer-by. 

Here  are  plentifully  sprinkled  multitudes  of  three- 
cornered  shops  where  patient  and  eager  women,  so 
sharp  and  shrewd  at  a  bargain,  that  he  who  buys  must 
have  all  his  wits  about  him,  offer  for  sale  the  most 
incongruous  assortment  of  second-hand  property; 
from  a  last  year's  newspaper  to  a  complete  library, 
from  a  pint-cup  to  a  seventy  ton  yacht,  from  a  brass 
night-key  to  a  steam-engine. 


DESCEIPTIOXS.  161 

Here  too,  almost  every  other  doorway  is  orna 
mented  with  daguerreotypes  of  distinguished  per 
sonages — negro-dancers  duly  equipped  with  banjo, 
tamborine  and  clappers — militia  officers  rigged  out 
in  all  the  glory  of  feathers  and  tinsel — supreme 
rulers  of  Know-Xothing  Lodges,  resplendent  in  the 
full  regalia  of  that  astute  and  sapient  order — and 
whole  dozens  of  pictures  of  the  beauteous  model 
artists  who  exercise  their  modest  calling  in  that  vici 
nage  ;  whose  names  are  fanciful  enough,  but  whose 
physical  embellishments  are  not  always  the  ones 
commonly  attributed  to  the  mythical  characters  they 
represent. 

"  Kitty  Clover"  with  splay-feet  and  dirty  silk  tights 
as  "  "Venus  Rising  from  the  Sea,"  "  Lilly  Dale  "  cross 
eyed  and  knock-kneed,  as  the  "  Greek  Slave" — 
"  Kate  Kearney,"  with  eyes  rolled  up,  mock-pearls  in 
her  hair,  in  an  attitude  which  must  be  exceedingly 
trying,  as  "  Morning  Prayer,"  or  a  trio  of  clumsy 
squaw-like  damsels  with  smirking  faces  and  stumpy 
limbs,  as  the  "  Three  Graces." 

Not  only  are  all  these  works  of  art  exhibited 
gratis  by  the  public-spirited  habiters  of  Chatham 
Street  and  the  Bowery,  but  they  have  an  infinity  of 

other  exhibitions,  which  cannot  be  classified  as  either 

7* 


162  DOESTICKS. 

gratuitous,  theatrical,  or  amphitheatrical,  to  see  which 
a  fee  is  demanded,  moderate  but  peremptory,  trifling 
but  inevitable. 

These  consist  principally  of  ferocious  beasts  cap 
tured  by  heroic  men,  and  brought  from  their  native 
fastnesses  to  astonish  the  city  people — of  deformed 
and  monstrous  beings  which  should  be  human,  but 
•ffiliom  nature  has  sent  into  the  world  destitute  of 
arms  or  legs,  or  vital  organs,  the  lack  of  which 
makes  these  curtailed  individuals  objects  of  wonder, 
of  mystery,  and  of  three-cent  speculation — and  of 
various  animals,  human  and  otherwise,  trained  to 
perform  unheard  of  feats  of  strength,  agility,  or 
juggling  sleight. 

The  whereabouts  of  these  interesting  prodigies  is 
made  known  by  huge  paintings  on  nobody-knows- 
how-many  square  yards  of  canvass ;  and  generally 
by  a  decrepit  hurdy-gurdy  played  in  a  masterly 
manner  by  the  enterprising  proprietor,  who  occa 
sionally  varies  his  performance  by  reciting  at  the  top 
of  his  voice  the  leading  attractions  of  his  exhibitions, 
and  extending  to  the  bystanders  a  general  invitation 
to  walk  in,  and  get  their  money's  worth. 

Reader,  whose  dainty  musical  and  dramatic  tastes, 
our  theatrical  and  operatic  managers  fail  to  gratify ; 


SUGGESTIONS.  163 

who  have  laughed  your  fill  at  Burton,  and  at  For 
rester  ;  who  have  tired  of  Vestvali,  Steffanone, 
D'Ormy,  and  the  rest ;  who  have  grown  sick  of  Ba- 
diali,  impatient  of  Brignoli,  and  tired  of  both  ;  who 
have  ceased  to  interest  yourself  in  the  "  Happy  Fa 
mily"  either  at  the  Academy  of  Music  or  at  Bar- 
num's ;  whose  sickened  ear  is  fatigued  with  the 
burnt-cork  lyrics  of  Christy,  Buckley,  and  their  sooty 
accomplices  in  questionable  harmonies ;  you,  who 
know  every  inch  in  the  circle  of  fashionable  amuse 
ment,  and  long  for  some  novelty  to  break  the  mo 
notony  of  the  tedious  track ;  pray  discard  the 
Shanghae  coat,  don  a  more  sensible  and  less  notice 
able  garb,  step  from  the  Broadway  sphere  to  the 
Bowery  precincts,  and  there  look  upon  wonders 
hitherto  unknown,  and  which  will  heartily  astonish 
your  bewildered  optics. 

Let  us  begin  with  the  Anacondas,  and  the  "  only 
living  Rhinoceros  ;"  let  me  speak,  and  you  hold  your 
breath,  and  marvel. 

Pause  ere  you  enter  the  apartment  containing  these 
prodigies  of  Natural  History — these  dread-inspiring 
denizens  of  the  mighty  rivers  and  impenetrable  mo 
rasses  of  the  tropics,  examine  carefully  the  gorgeous 
painting  which  decks  the  outside  of  the  building. 


164:  DOESTICKS. 

How  majestic  in  design !  how  masterly  in  the  exe 
cution  !  Criticism  is  silent,  and  we  can  only  speak 
to  commend. 

Observe  the  brilliancy  of  the  coloring ;  the  vivid 
red  and  yellow  spots  upon  the  serpents,  which  wind 
their  powerful  folds  about  that  noble  charger — (you 
thought  it  was  a  windmill  ?  No,  Sir !  I  have  in 
spected  it  carefully,  and  I  am  positive  it  is  intended 
for  a  horse.) 

See  with  what  an  air  of  stolid  placidity,  and 
sleepy  complacency,  his  rider,  the  gallant  Indian 
Chief  (you  took  him  for  the  "  Fat  Boy"  ?— the  mis 
take  is  perhaps  excusable,  but  it  is  not  the  "  Fat 
Boy,")  draws  his  arrow  to  the  head  to  pierce  the 
slimy  monster  ;  (arrow  ?  you  imagined  it  a  fish  pole  ? 
wrong,  my  friend,  palpably  wrong,  the  instrument 
may  suggest  fish-pole,  but  it  is  undoubtedly  meant 
for  arrow ;)  whose  tail,  the  artist,  with  a  noble  dis 
regard  of  the  principles  of  perspective  which  stamps 
him  as  an  original  genius,  has  caused  to  rest  upon  a 
mountain  twenty  miles  in  the  distance. 

Notice  how  the  other  monstrous  reptile  has  twined 
himself  in  the  branches  of  the  palm-tree — (it  looks 
like  a  hickory-broom.  No,  sir !  "  it  is  no  such 
thing" — it  is  most  emphatically  a  tree — )  and  with 


SEES     BOWERY     SIGHTS.  165 

his  fiery  tongue,  thrust  from  his  gaping  jaws,  (of 
course  it's  a  tongue,  and  you  need  not  assert  that  it 
resembles  a  barber's  pole  with  the  end  split  up,  for 
it  doesn't,)  is  about  to  make  a  frightful  descent  upon 
the  other  steed.  (Another  horse  (  Yes,  sir  !  another 
horse,  although  you  assert  it  to  be  meant  for  a  cider 
barrel  on  a  three-legged  stool.) 

Admire  the  elegant  yet  terrible  proportions  of  the 
mighty  Rhinoceros,  as  he  stalks  majestically  through 
the  tall  jungle-grass  (you  thought  that  was  a  terrier 
dog  looking  for  rats  in  a  barn-yard,  did  you  ?  "Well, 
my  friend,  the  resemblance  certainly  is  striking,  but 
do  not  disparage  the  artist,  who  is  undoubtedly  much 
more  familiar  with  terrier  dogs  than  with  the  other 
brutes,  and  don't  find  fault  with  the  Rhinoceros  be 
cause  he  isn't  bigger  than  a  dog,  for  you  perceive 
that  if  he  had  been  represented  the  proper  size  he 
would  have  covered  up  the  snakes,  hidden  the  In 
dian  from  our  sight,  and  rendered  the  landscape 
invisible.) 

We  pay  our  money  and  go  inside.  "What,  though, 
upon  seeking  the  realization  of  this  promise  of  no 
velty,  instead  of  the  living  rhinoceros  we  see  only 
the  dried  and  shrivelled  skin  of  what  was  probably 
once  a  hog  ?  and  the  ferocious  reptiles  of  fabulous 


166  DOE  STICKS. 

size   shrink   into   a    couple   of  exaggerated   angle 
worms  ? 

Let  us  not  find  fault  with  the  showman  who 
is  only  carrying  on  a  popular  business  on  too  small 
a  scale  to  be  honest.  He  should  increase  his  stock 
of  curious  swindles,  tell  bigger  stories  and  more  of 
them,  humbug  a  hundred  people  where  now  he 
swindles  one,  and  so  make  his  business  honest  and 
respectable. 

Our  attention  is  next  claimed  by  the  man  without 
any  arms,  who  is  advertised  to  possess  tremendous 
strength,  and  can  do  more  things  with  his  feet  than 
most  people  can  with  their  hands ;  who  can  draw, 
paint,  load  a  gun,  play  the  piano,  violin,  and  accor- 
deon,  cut  likenesses,  put  on  a  clean  collar,  shave 
himself,  tell  fortunes,  set  type,  and  saw  wood. 

Do  not  grumble  if,  instead  of  an  admirable  Crich-* 
ton,  whose  accomplishments  are  to  provoke  your 
envy,  you  see  only  a  miserable  cripple,  necessitated 
by  poverty  and  inability  to  work,  to  make  an  exhi 
bition  of  his  deformity,  and  the  poor  devices  to  which 
he  is  driven,  to  supply,  in  some  slight  degree,  the 
absence  of  his  limbs. 

Don't  forget  to  see  the  "  Living  Skeleton,"  who 
has  seen  two  score  years,  only  weighs  twenty  ounces, 


DESCRIBES     THE     AXIMALS.  167 

and  is  so  thin  that  when  he  is  undressed  he  is  invi 
sible  to  the  naked  eve. 

Yisit  also  the  dancing  bears,  the  performing  dogs, 
the  wax  figures,  the  mineralogical,  geological,  and 
conchological  collections  ;  see  the  female  minstrels  ; 
the  alligators,  who  have  devoured  in  their  native 
country  an  army  of  men,  a  multitude  of  women, 
and  a  myriad  of  nigger  pickaninnies  ;  see  the  magi 
cian  who  turns  chickens  into  mugs  of  ale,  and  trans 
mutes  iron  soup  kettles  into  purest  gold  ;  the  girl 
who  dances  a  hornpipe  on  a  drum-head,  amongst  a 
dozen  eggs  and  never  breaks  any ;  the  man  who 
swallows  a  sword  for  his  dinner,  and  lunches  daily 
on  jack-knives  and  gimlets  ;  the  boy  who  can  tie  his 
legs  in  a  bow-knot  on  the  back  of  his  neck. 

Go  to  see  the  individual  who  balances  a  ladder  on 
the  end  of  his  nose,  and  his  canine  friend,  who  cou 
rageously  ascends  to  the  top  thereof,  and  barks  de 
fiance  to  the  world, — the  juggler  who  tosses  the  balls 
and  butcher  knives, — the  Chinaman  who  throws  flip- 
flaps  by  the  dozen,  and  makes  a  human  cart-wheel 
of  himself  in  the  air,  between  heaven  and  earth,  like 
Mahomet's  coffin  ; — the  learned  Canary-birds  which 
draw  water,  fire  off  guns,  ring  bells,  and  cut  up  all 
sorts  of  unnatural  antics  to  earn  their  daily  cuttle- 


168  DOE  STICKS. 

fish  bone  and  loaf  sugar ;  take  a  regular  round  of 
Bowery  three  cent  amusements,  glut  your  taste  for 
novelty,  take  the  edge  off  your  curiosity,  laugh  at 
the  bombastic  humbugs  enough  to  last  you  for  a 
month  ;  and  then  when  the  conglomeration  of  un 
accustomed  sights  and  sounds  has  tired  out  your 
aristocratic  senses,  go  back  to  the  Fifth  Avenue  world 
again,  convinced  that  all  the  fun  of  the  city  is  not 
located  in  Broadway  or  Chambers  Street,  or  all  the 
humbug  concentrated  between  the  City  Hall  Square 
and  Maiden  Lane. 


XX. 

|leto  Wear's  tlas  in  |lcto  florL 

last  Xew  Years  day  previous  to  the  one 
herein  spoken  of.  was  passed  by  the  subscriber 
on  board  a  Mississippi  steamboat — said  boat  being 
fast  aground  on  a  sand-bar — provisions  all  gone — 
the  captain,  steward,  and  one  of  the  bar-keepers 
being  occupied  playing  "  poker  "  with  the  passengers 
at  one  end  of  the  boat,  while  the  more  piously  dis 
posed  were  listening  to  the  drawling  tones  of  a 
nautical  preacher,  who  was  discoursing  second-hand 
sanctimony  at  the  other — crew  all  on  a  "  bender  " 
in  the  engine  room,  firemen  all  drunk  on  the  boiler 
deck,  and  every  body  generally  enjoying  themselves. 
Made  no  calls,  myself,  except  at  the  bar,  where  I 
wished  myself  so  many  happy  Kew  Years,  and  so 
many  compliments  of  the  season,  that  I  slept  that 
night  on  a  pile  of  cotton-wood,  and  when  I  attained 
my  state-room,  next  day,  I  found  each  berth  occupied 


170  DOESTICKS. 

by  a  colored  fireman,  botli  with  tlieir  boots  on ;  one 
with  my  Sunday  coat  under  his  head  for  a  pillow, 
his  hair  decorated  with  sundry  lumps  of  stone-coal, 
and  his  red  flannel  shirt  ornamented  with  the  con 
tents  of  a  tar-bucket,  and.  the  carpenter's  glue-pot. 

Since  that  eventful  time,  I  have  become  a  sojourner 
in  town,  and  on  the  approach  of  New  Year's,  had 
felicitated  myself  on  the  prospect  of  seeing  how  New 
Yorkers  celebrate  this  universal  holiday, 

Intended  to  call  on  my  friends,  and  hoped,  as  the 
number  of  my  feminine  acquaintances  in  this  im 
mediate  vicinity  is  small,  to  get  through  in  time  to 
spend  the  afternoon  at  my  new  boarding-house, 
where  Mrs.  Griggs,  my  landlady,  and  her  two 
daughters  were  to  receive  calls,  and  who  had  invited 
me  to  be  present  and  see  "  the  elephant "  as  far  as 
the  proceedings  of  the  day  should  disclose  to  an 
unsophisticated  eye,  his  mighty  and  magnificent 
proportions. 

Early  in  the  morning,  dyed  my  incipient  but 
dilatory  moustache  into  visibility,  dressed  myself  as 
fashionably  as  the  resources  of  my  limited  wardrobe 
would  permit,  and,  attended  by  my  fast  friend 
Sandie,  started  on  my  journey,  intending  to  "fetch 


SLEEPY     FEIEXD.  171 

up  "  eventually  at  my  boarding-house,  "  stopping  at 
all  the  intermediate  posts  by  the  way." 

A  word  about  my  friend  Sandie.  I  have  become 
much  attached .  to  him,  from  his  strong  resemblance 
in  habits  to  the  "  fat  boy  "  of  the  Pickwick  papers. 

He  sleeps  every  where. 

In  the  omnibus,  on  the  ferry-boat,  in  the  store,  at 
the  Post-Office,  in  church,  at  the  theatre,  and  even 
while  walking  along  Broadway. 

I  have  known  him  stop  twenty-one  stages  in  the 
course  of  an  afternoon's  walk  by  nodding  at  the 
drivel's  while  he  was  enjoying  a  peripatetic  nap. 
The  first  time  I  saw  him  I  was  the  humble  instru 
ment  of  preserving  his  valuable  existence.  He  had 
started  to  go  to  the  Post-Office  to  mail  an  important 
letter,  but  had  fallen  asleep  in  Nassau  street,  and 
the  bill-stickers  had  nearly  overlaid  him  with  show 
bills,  announcing  that  at  the  Bowery  Theatre  would 
be  played  the  drama  of  the  "  Seven  Sleepers,"  to  be 
followed  by  the  song  "  We  're  all  a  Nodding,"  the 
whole  to  conclude  with  the  farce  "  Rip  Van  Winkle." 

In  fact,  he  sleeps  every  where,  except  at  table. 

Open  his  sleepy  eyes  to  the  prospect  of  something 
good  to  eat,  and  his  wakefulness  will  be  insured 


172  DOESTICKS. 

until  the  uttermost  morsel  is  entombed  in  those 
regions  of  unknown  capacity  to  which  he  diurnally 
sends  such  astonishing  quantities  of  provisions. 

His  internal  dimensions  have  long  been  a  favorite 
theme  of  speculation  to  his  friends,  but,  alas !  the 
problem  must  ever  set  at  defiance  all  the  ordinary 
rules  of  mensuration. 

He  has  occasional  fits  of  spasmodic  piety,  and 
then  tries  to  read  his  Bible,  and  invariably  goes  to 
sleep  and  lets  the  book  fall  into  the  ashes — and  I 
verily  believe,  that  though  his  eternal  salvation 
depended  upon  his  reading  three  chapters  of  the 
Gospel  without  having  a  fit  of  somnambulism,  he 
would  go  fast  asleep  before  he  had  accomplished 
three  verses. 

Put  ourselves  into  our  new  clothes  and  started  on 
our  tour.  Went  to  the  Smiths,  Thompsons,  Tompkins, 
Greens,  Browns,  Wiggins,  Robinsons,  &c. ;  in  all  these 
places  there  was  the  same  performance,  without 
change  of  programme.  I  give  the  formula — 

Enter — speak  to  the  lady  of  the  house — "  happy 
New  Year,"  compliments — happy  returns — take  a 
glass  of  wine  with  the  ladies — another  of  brandy  or 
punch  with  the  father — nibble  a  little  cake — exit — 
to  be  repeated  " ad  libitum" 


NEW     YEAR     S     CALLS.  173 

At  Jones'  they  had,  on  a  side-table,  a  plate  under 
a  placard  labelled  "  for  the  poor'7 — and  every  visitor 
was  expected  to  drop  in  a  contribution. 

Some  malicious  person  has  recollected  that  the 
Joneses  did  the  same  thing  last  year,  and  his  incon 
venient  and  libellous  memory  has  also  recalled  the 
circumstance  that  soon  after  New  Year's,  the  two 
daughters  of  Jones  had  new  silk  dresses,  and  Mrs.  J. 
rejoiced  in  a  new  cloak  and  hat  of  the  richest  style, 
and  he  says  that  Brogley,  the  broker,  told  him  that 
on  the  3rd  of  January  last,  Jones  got  some  "tens" 
and  "  twenties  "  of  him  in  exchange  for  small  money, 
and  made  him  give  him  two  per  cent,  over  because 
so  much  of  it  was  silver  change — and,  in  fact,  he 
insinuates  that  as  the  money  was  to  be  "for  the 
poor,"  Jones  voted  himself  as  poor  as  any  body,  and 
kept  the  proceeds — and  rumor  whispers  that  the 
Joneses  won't  have  half  so  many  calls  this  year  as 
last,  because  their  friends  object  to  being  taxed  to 
pay  their  milliners'  bills. 

At  Snooks'  we  found  the  doors  closed,  and  a  basket 
hung  outside,  in  which  to  deposit  cards — thought  of 
the  foundling  hospital,  &c. 

Odd  circumstance,  very — but  in  all  the  parlors 
we  visited  that  day  I  noticed  one  unvarying  pecu- 


174  DOES  TICKS. 

liarity  of  furniture — there  were  in  no  single  parlor 
any  two  chairs  of  the  same  pattern — but  they  were 
of  all  shapes,  sizes,  dimensions,  capacities,  and  de 
gree  of  discomfort — from  the  damask-covered  to  the 
unvarnished,  which  looked  as  if  they  had  strayed  in 
from  the  kitchen.  The  effect  of  this  arrangement  is 
to  impress  a  stranger  with  the  idea  that  the  owner 
of  the  establishment  has  been  compelled  to  furnish 
his  drawing-room  from  the  chaotic  assortment  of  a 
second-hand  furniture  store. 

And,  notwithstanding  the  recent  election  of  a 
Maine  Law  Governor,  in  nearly  every  house,  wines, 
brandy,  punches,  "  hot  stuff,"  and  various  inebriat 
ing  drinks  abounded,  and  every  guest  was  compelled, 
on  pain  of  slighting  his  host,  to  partake — the  inevi 
table  result  was,  that  before  night,  many  a  youth, 
whose  head  might  have  withstood  the  attack  of  a 
single  bottle,  not  being  able  to  endure  a  twenty  hours' 
siege,  gave  in  dead-drunk — while  others  of  harder 
heads  and  stronger  stomachs,  reeled  from  parlor  to 
parlor,  proclaiming  the  obituary  of  their  respect 
ability  and  decency,  by  exhibiting  the  noisy  clamor, 
or  idiotic  gibber  of  beastly  drunkenness,  to  the  re 
fined  and  polished  ladies  of  "  our  best  society  " — in 
many  cases  rewarding  the  pseudo-hospitality  of  their 


OBSERVES  THE  CALLERS.        1 75 

fair  entertainers  by  liberally  sprinkling  the  marble 
steps  to  their  noble  mansions,  with  an  unclean  bap 
tism  from  their  aristocratic  stomachs. 

Kept  Sandie  awake  until  we  entered  a  hack,  and 
then  let  him  relapse  into  a  refreshing  slumber, 
which  continued  until  we  reached  home — entered 
the  parlor,  and  took  a  seat  in  a  corner,  from  which, 
unobserved,  I  could  get  a  fair  view  of  the  various 
performances. 

Every  young  lady  is  skilled  in  music,  and  an 
"elegant  player"  upon  that  tortured  instrument,  the 
piano — each  can  sing  an  assortment  of  "  glees " 
from  beautiful  operas — transposing  her  voice  into  a 
vocal  cork-screw,  and  opening  her  mouth  so  that,  as 
a  general  thing,  you  can  see  those  unmentionable 
articles,  which  are  used,  in  fireman's  phraseology, 
to  "  light  up  the  hose " — and  these  songs,  these  de 
lectable  morsels  of  harmony,  varied  by  such  extem 
poraneous  discords  as  the  agitation  or  forgetfulness 
of  the  moment  may  occasion,  are  always  "executed'5 
for  the  entertainment  of  evening  visitors. 

Mrs.  Griggs'  daughters  are  no  exception  to  this 
general  rule. 

First  call — bell  rings — enter  bashful  young  man — 
evidently  his  first  attempt  at  a  fashionable  visit — 


176  DOESTICKS. 

came  in  with  his  hat  in  his  hand — put  it  behind  him 
to  make  his  bow — dropped  it — tried  to  pick  it  up — • 
stepped  in  it — put  his  foot  through  it — fell  over  it — 
and  in  his  frantic  struggles  to  recover  himself,  burnt 
his  coat,  fractured  his  pantaloons,  untied  his  cravat, 
demolished  his  shirt  collar,  and  was  finally  borne 
away  to  the  hall  by  his  sympathizing  friends ;  minus 
his  patent  moustache,  one-half  "of  which  was  after 
wards  found  in  Laura  Matilda's  scrap-book  and  the 
rest  discovered  in  the  coal-scuttle. 

Crowd  of  young  men  came  in  together,  (it  is  cus 
tomary  here,  for  young  gentlemen  to  club  their  funds, 
hire  a  carriage  by  the  hour,  and  go  calling  in  a  drove ; 
stopping  at  every  house  where  one  of  the  company 
happens  to  be  acquainted  ;  so  that  when  a  lady  keeps 
open  house,  for  every  person  whom  she  knows  or 
desires  to  see,  a  dozen  unknown  individuals  annoy 
her  by  their  uninvited  presence,) — every  one  asked 
the  young  ladies  to  sing,  and  the  young  ladies  did 
sing — generally  opera,  but  sometimes  varying  the 
entertainment  with  the  touching  ballad  of  "  Old  Dog 
Tray,"  or  the  graceful  and  genteel  melody,  "  Jordan 
is  a  Hard  Eoad." 

On  this  occasion  the  programme  was  somewhat  as 
follows  : — Gent.  No.  1  was  treated  with  a  "  gem  from 


HEARS     THE     MUSIC.  177 

Xorma  "— Xo.  2,  a  Grand  March— Xo.  3,  "  Old  Dog 
Tray"— Xo.  4,  "  Prima  Donna  Waltz"— No.  5, 
"Xorma"—  Xo.  6,  "  Jordan  "—Xo.  7,  "Xorma"— 
Xo.  8,  "  Prima  Donna,"  again — Xo.  9,  "  Xorma  " — 
Xo.  10,  "Xorma"— Xo.  11,  "  Dog  Tray  "—Xo.  12, 
"  Xorma,"  &c.;  "Xorma  "  being  always  ahead,  and 
evidently  a  favorite  of  the  field. 

I  have  no  doubt  that  in  the  whole  city,  yesterday, 
"  Xorma  "  must  have  been  entreated  to  "  hear  my 
prayer,"  at  least  fifteen  thousand  distinct  times,  by 
probably  five  thousand  imploring  females — and  these 
harmonious  supplications,  if  blended  and  consoli 
dated  into  one  powerful,  entreating  scream,  would 
have  been  sufficient  to  raise  the  ancient  Druids  from 
their  graves,  only  to  find  that,  although  the  final 
trump  had  not  sounded,  it  was  by  an  imitation  by  no 
means  to  be  despised,  that  they  had  been  fooled  into 
a  premature  resurrection. 

As  evening  came  on,  the  guests  who  came  showed 
signs  of  the  day's  indulgences — I  was  particularly 
edified  by  the  movements  of  three  of  them,  whom  I 
noted  with  peculiar  care — the  first  shook  hands  cor 
dially  with  the  servant  girl,  called  her  "Mrs. 
Griggs,"  wished  her  many  happy  returns,  and  on 
being  told  of  his  error,  made  an  humble  apology  to 
8 


178  DOESTICKS. 

the  piano  stool,  and  immediately  sat  down  in  a  spit 
toon. 

The  next  made  his  bow  to  the  hat-stand  in  the 
hall,  swaggered  into  the  room,  called  for  a  brandy 
"  smash  " — tried  to  rectify  his  mistake  by  begging 
pardon  of  Mrs.  G.  for  mistaking  her  parlor  for  a  bar 
room,  and  assured  her,  if  he  had  done  anything  he 
was  sorry  for,  he  was  exceedingly  glad  of  it. 

The  third  stumbled  on  to  the  sofa,  and,  after 
steadily  contemplating  his  boots  with  much  satisfac 
tion  for  fifteen  minutes,  he  picked  up  a  Chinese  fire 
screen,  and  with  an  irresistible  drunken  sobriety,  he 
tried  to  decipher  the  mysterious  characters  inscribed 
thereon,  at  the  same  time  calling  the  attention  of 
Mrs.  G.  to  the  capital  story  in  "  the  Magtober  num 
ber  of  Harper's  Octazine." 

Refreshments— first  man  often  essaying  to  wipe 
his  nose  with  his  umbrella,  which  he  afterwards 
placed  in  the  music  rack — poured  his  coffee  into  his 
ice-cream,  put  his  cake  and  sandwich  into  its  place, 
stirred  them  up  with  a  tea-spoon,  and  tried  to  drink 
— the  effort  resulting  in  a  signal  failure,  he  passed 
his  cup  to  the  chandelier  for  "  a  little  more  sugar." 

The  next  spilled  his  wine  in  Laura  Matilda's  neck, 
begged  she  wouldn't  apologize,  and  offered  to  wipe 


GOOD     NIGHT.  179 

it  with  his  pocket  handkerchief — by  which  appella 
tion  he  designated  the  doormat,  which  lie  had  brought 
in  with  him  from  the  hall. 

The  other,  after  carefully  depositing  his  plate  on 
the  floor,  dropped  his  gloves  into  his  saucer,  and 
tried  to  put  his  over-coat  into  his  vest  pocket,  made 
a  great  attempt  to  eat  his  cup  of  coffee  with  his 
knife  and  fork,  and  then  resolutely  set  about  picking 
his  teeth  with  the  nut-cracker. 

After  some  complicated  manoeuvring,  they  bowed 
themselves  out  as  best  they  could — but  the  last  one, 
having  mistaken  the  door  and  gone  down  cellar, 
instead  of  out-doors,  was  found  next  morning  reposing 
complacently  in  the  coal-hole. 

In  fact,  New  York,  every  New  Year's  Eve,  goes 
to  bed  with  a  huge  brick  in  its  municipal  hat,  and, 
as  the  legitimate  effect  of  such  indiscretion,  awakes 
next  morning  with  a  tremendous  corporate  headache 
— "  Young  America,"  for  once,  is  unstarched  in 
appearance  ;  and  in  deportment,  meek  as  the  suck 
ing  dove. 


XXI. 


f0r 


^LEIGH-RIDING  is  an  amusement  to  which  I 
was  never  partial,  for  I  cannot  appreciate  the 
pleasure  there  is,  in  a  man's  deliberately  freezing  his 
feet,  and  congealing  his  fingers  into  digital  icicles  ; 
and  for  my  own  part  unless  there  was  some  unusual 
charm  beyond  the  ride  itself,  I  would  as  soon  think 
of  seeking  an  evening's  amusement  by  sitting  a  given 
number  of  hours  on  a  frozen  mill  pond  with  my 
pedal  extremities  stuck  through  a  hole  in  the  ice  into 
the  water  below.  And  in  the  city  there  are  even 
more  discomforts  attending  this  popular  penance  than 
in  the  open  country. 

The  man  who  would  trustingly  endeavor  to  draw 
a  sherry  cobbler  out  of  a  clam-shell,  make  a  gin  sling 
from  cold  potatoes,  lard  oil  from  railroad  spikes,  or  a 
mint-julep  out  of  sea  weed  and  chestnut  burs  —  or 
hopefully  essay  the  concoction  of  a  satisfactory  oys- 


CITY     SLEIGH-RIDE.  181 

ter  stew  from  jack-knife-handles  and  bootlegs,  is  the 
only  person  I  can  conceive  of,  sanguine  enough  to 
anticipate  an  evening's  pleasure  from  a  city  sleigh- 
ride. 

1  can  readily  conceive  that  in  the  country,  give  a 
man  a  fast  team,  a  light  sleigh,  a  clear  sky,  a  straight 
road,  a  pretty  girl,  plenty  of  snow,  and  a  good  tavern 
with  a  bright  ball-room  and  capital  music  waiting 
at  his  journey's  end,  the  frigid  amusement  may  be 
made  endurable — possibly,  to  a  man  enthusiastic 
enough  to  seek  for  pleasure  with  the  thermometer  at 
zero,  even  desirable. 

But  in  ]S"ew  York,  we  can't  get  an  unadulterated 
country  sleigh-ride,  any  more  than  we  can  get  ge 
nuine  country  milk — neither  will  bear  importation. 
In  both  cases  some  unbargained-for  dash  of  cold 
water  interferes  with  the  purity  of  the  article,  and 
nips  in  the  bud  our  delusive  anticipations. 

The  conditions  necessary  to  a  thorough-bred  sleigh- 
ride  can  never  be  present  in  a  great  city.  In  the 
first  place,  the  snow  (an  item  of  some  importance) 
cannot  even  reach  the  earth  unsullied  ;  it  is  met  in 
its  quiet  journey  by  some  aspiring  chimney,  some 
impertinent  roof,  or  ambitious  spire,  all  dust-covered 
and  smoke-begrimed,  or  by  some  other  of  the  spon- 


182  DOES  TICKS. 

taneous  nuisances  indigenous  to  a  city,  and  is  robbed 
of  its  maiden  purity,  as  its  first  welcome  to  the  lower 
world — then,  mixed  with  ashes,  soot,  and  pulverulent 
nastiness  of  every  sort — tainted  with  dainty  per 
fumes  of  gas,  garbage,  markets  and  slaughter-houses, 
besides  all  the  volatile  filth  of  six  hundred  thousand 
perspiring  bipeds  (not  mentioning  hogs,  horses,  rats, 
dogs,  and  jackasses),  it  comes  from  upper  air  to  us, 
expectant  citylings — and  even  then  we  have  to  take 
it  second-hand,  for  it  is  stopped  in  its  airy  transit  by 
countless  awnings,  the  tops  of  innumerable  houses, 
stages,  drays,  and  hackney-coaches,  and  the  hats  and 
outside  apparel  of  the  peripatetic  multitude — from 
all  which  meddling  mediums,  it  is  transferred  to  the 
cold  charity  of  the  stony  pavement,  where  the  first 
instalment,  in  sorrow  for  its  sullied  purity,  dissolves 
itself  in  discontented  tears,  and  sulkily  seeks,  by  some 
narrow  down- hill  track,  its  grave — the  common 
sewer. 

But  a  persevering  snow-storm,  which  gives  its 
whole  attention  to  the  work,  sometimes  succeeds  in 
covering  the  streets  of  Gotham  with  a  pepper-co 
lored  mixture,  which  we  accept  as  snow. 

"When  the  air  is  cold,  this  peculiar  substance  cuts 
up  into  a  kind  of  greyish  sand,  as  much  like  real 


WITH     A     FAST    NAG.  183 

snow,  as  wild  geese  are  like  wooden  legs — and  when 
the  weather  is  moist,  it  degenerates  into  a  muddy, 
malicious  mixture,  in  which  the  city  flounders,  until 
a  drenching  rain  dilutes  the  mass  into  a  coffee- 
colored  flood,  which  sneaks  into  rivers  through  back 
lanes  and  dirty  alleys,  leaving  the  thoroughfares 
once  more  practicable.  One  week  last  winter  eight 
inches  of  snow  set  our  city  people  crazy,  and  turned 
Broadway  into  a  horse  purgatory.  From  Blooming- 
dale  to  the  Battery,  the  street  was  filled  with  sleighs, 
cutters,  pungs,  jumpers  and  every  variety  of  sled,  all 
full  of  screeching,  screaming  men,  women  and 
children,  in  different  stages  of  frigidity  &id  voluntary 
discomfort,  but  all  seeming,  by  their  actions,  to 
reiterate  the  cockney  sentiment — "  Wat's  the  hodds, 
long's  you're  'appy  ? " 

Every  man  who  could  hire  or  buy  a  transient 
interest  in  a  string  of  bells  and  a  horse,  jackass  or 
big  dog,  went  in  for  an  independent  ride  on  his  own 
hook — and  those  who  could  not  compass  this  luxury, 
piled  pell-mell  into  the  stage  sleighs,  a  hundred  in  a 
heap,  each  bound  to  have  a  sixpence-worth  of  slushy, 
slippery,  horse  locomotion. 

At  this  crisis,  Sandie  proposed  to  me  to  join  a 
company  who  were  g<$ng  to  undertake  an  evening's 


184:  DOESTICKS. 

pleasure,  calculating  to  ride  through  the  city,  see 
the  sights,  go  out  of  town  to  a  ball,  and  dance  till 
morning. 

Agreed  to  go,  put  on  my  tightest  boots,  and  got 
ready — time  came,  sleigh  arrived,  got  in,  received 
a  promiscuous  introduction  to  seventeen  young 
ladies,  by  the  light  of  a  street  lamp.  Couldn't  of 
course  distinguish  their  faces  so  as  to  tell  them  apart, 
and  so  was  continually  calling  Miss  Jones,  Miss 
Snifkins ;  Miss  Loodle,  Miss  Yanderpants ;  and 
addressing  Miss  Faubob  and  Miss  Wiggins  by  each 
other's  names ;  which,  as  they  were  ready  to  scratch 
each  other's  eyes  out  for  jealousy,  and  hadn't  been 
on  speaking  terms  for  a  year  and  a  half,  made  the 
matter  decidedly  pleasant. 

Found  a  place  for  my  feet  among  the  miscella 
neous  pedal  assortment  at  the  bottom — sat  down,  held 
on  with  both  hands,  and  prepared  to  enjoy  myself. 
After  a  great  deal  of  whipping  of  the  spirited  horses, 
and  some  curiously  emphatic  observations  by  the 
driver,  we  got  under  way.  Driver  (an  enthusiastic 
Hibernian  with  one  black  eye)  took  the  middle  of 
the  street,  resolved  to  give  the  road  to  nothing — met 
a  young  gent  in  a  cutter,  he  didn't  turn  out,  we  didn't 
turn  out,  collision  ensued,  young  man  got  the  worst, 


IX     A     CROWD.  185 

his  hat  was  smashed,  and  his  delicate  person  left  in 
a  snow-bank — his  horse  started,  hit  against  a  lamp 
post,  then  ran  away,  distributing  the  ruins  of  the 
cutter  all  along  the  road,  leaving  a  piece  at  every 
corner  and  telegraph  pole,  until  there  wasn't  enough 
left  in  any  one  spot  to  make  a  rat-trap — finally  dash 
ing  through  the  show  window  of  a  confectioner's 
shop  and  being  brought  to  a  standstill  by  the  shafts 
sticking  in  a  soda  fountain. 

Met  a  charcoal  cart,  run  against  us  and  distributed 
a  shower  of  pulverized  nigritude  over  the  company, 
to  the  great  damage  of  the  clean  linen  of  the  gentle 
men,  and  the  adornments  generally  of  the  ladies, 
especially  those  little  white  rosettes  which  they  had 
tied  on  the  backs  of  their  heads,  and  dignified  with 
the  fabulous  title  of  bonnets. 

Met  a  stage  sleigh,  got  jammed  with  us — and 
during  the  three  minutes  preceding  our  violent 
extrication,  I  had  leisure  to  take  particular  notice  of 
the  inmates. 

Now,  even  in  ordinary  times,  any  kind  of  an 
omnibus  is  a  purely  democratic  institution,  but  an 
omnibus  sleigh  containing  ordinarily,  anywhere 
from  fifty  to  a  hundred  and  twenty  people,  is  a  most 

effectual  leveller  of  aristocratic  distinctions. 
8* 


186  DOESTICKS. 

In  this  particular  vehicle,  a  fashionably  dressed 
Miss,  had,  from  necessity,  taken  her  seat  in  the  lap 
of  a  Bowery  boy,  who,  in  his  anxiety  to  make  her 
comfortable,  had  put  one  arm  round  her  waist,  and 
ont)  hand  into,  her  muff. 

An  up-town  merchant  was  carrying  a  washer 
woman's  baby,  while  a  dandy,  in  patent  leather  boots, 
was  holding  her  bundle  of  dirty  linen. 

A  news-boy,  stealing  a  ride,  was  smoking  a  Con 
necticut  cigar,  and  puffing  the  smoke  into  the  faces 
of  the  incongruous  assembly. 

A  negro  woman  was  sustaining  her  position  on 
the  edge  of  the  slippery  craft,  by  holding  on  with 
one  arm  round  the  neck  of  a  clergyman  in  a  blue 
cloak  with  a  brass  hook  and  eye  at  the  neck,  who 
had  a  basket  of  potatoes  with  a  leg  of  mutton  in  it, 
which  a  sailor  was  using  for  a  shield  to  protect  him 
from  the  shower  of  snow-balls,  fired  by  the  boys  on 
the  corner — naughty  boys — one  hit  one  of  our  ladies 
on  the  head,  she  made  a  very  pretty  faint,  but  was 
soon  revived  by  a  piece  of  ice  which  I  slipped  down 
her  back — one  blacked  the  driver's  other  eye,  and  a 
particularly  and  solidly  unpleasant  one,  hit  Sandie 
in  the  mouth  and  waked  him  up. 

Began  to  be  sensible  of  the  pleasures  of  my  sitna- 


E  X  J  O  Y  S     THE     RIDE.  187 

tion — felt  as  if  my  boots  were  full  of  ice  water,  raj 
nose  a  Croton  water  pipe,  and  my  fingers  carrot- 
shaped  icicles.  Each  leg  seemed  a  perpendicular 
iceberg,  my  feet  good  sized  snow-drifts,  my  head  a 
frozen  pumpkin,  and  the  inside  of  me  felt  as  if  I  had 
made  my  supper  on  a  cast-iron  garden-fence. 

As,  however,  these  peculiar  but  unpleasant  sensa 
tions  are  inseparable  from  the  sleigh-riding  perform 
ances,  I  tried  to  warm  myself  by  imagining  volcanoes 
and  conflagrations ;  and,  indulging  in  a  hope  of  hot 
brandy  and  water  at  my  journey's  end,  endeavoured 
to  bear  my  trials  like  a  frozen  martyr,  as  I  was. 

Got  to  the  hotel  at  last,  waiters  rescued  us  and  got 
us  into  the  house,  which  was  full  of  parties  ahead  of 
us.  Burnt  the  skin  off  my  throat  trying  to  thaw  my 
congealed  digestive  apparatus,  by  drinking  brandy 
and  water  boiling  hot ;  ladies  imbibed  hot  gin  sling 
all  round  "ad  libitum"  gentlemen  ditto,  and  "  Da 
Capo." 

Ready  for  a  dance  ;  got  into  the  ball-room,  which 
was  so  full  already  that  each  cotillon  had  only  a 
space  about  as  big  as  a  pickle-tub — "  balance  four" 
and  you  stepped  on  somebody's  heels  and  tore  off 
the  skirt  of  some  lady's  dress — "  forward  two  v  and 
you  poked  your  nose  into  the  whiskers  of  the  gentle- 


188  DOE  STICKS. 

man  opposite,  and  felt  his  neck-tie  in  your  eye,  and 
"promenade  all"  was  the  signal  for  an  animated 
but  irregular  fancy  dance  upon  the  toes  of  the  by 
standers. 

But  this  quadrille  was  voted  by  most  of  our  ladies 
to  be  altogether  too  antiquated  and  energetic — the 
truth  is,  city  dancing  is  no  more  like  a  country  jig 
than  a  dead  march  is  like  a  hornpipe — in  the  one 
case  the  ladies  slide  about  with  a  die-away  air,  as 
if  one  lively  step  would  annihilate  their  delicate 
frames ;  and  in  the  other,  they  dance  as  if  they  were 
made  of  watch-springs  and  india  rubber. 

The  only  way  to  get  an  ordinary  city  girl  really 
interested  in  a  dance,  is  to  have  some  moustachoed 
puppy  put  his  arm  round  her  waist,  hug  her  close 
up  to  him,  spin  her  round  the  room  till  her  head 
swims. 

But  the  dancing  couldn't  last  for  ever,  and  at 
length  we  had  to  prepare  for  the  ride  home. 

Towards  morning  the  music  got  tired,  the  leading 
violinist  was  fiddling  on  one  string  on  the  wrong  side 

o  o  o 

of  the  bridge,  and  the  ophicleide  man,  unable  from 
sheer  exhaustion  to  convey  his  potables  to  his 
mouth,  was  pouring  them  into  his  instrument,  which 
he  had  regaled  with  four  mugs  of  ale  and  a  brandy 


UPSETS.  189 

smash,  and  the  little  lifer,  with  his  foot  in  the  big 
end  of  the  French  horn,  was  wasting  his  precious 
breath  in  trying  to  coax  a  quick  step  out  of  a  drum 
stick,  which  he  mistook  for  a  flageolet. 

Compelled  to  stop  dancing.  Ladies  went  to  a  pri 
vate  room  and  repaired  their  damaged  wardrobe  with 
pins  and  other  extemporaneous  contrivances,  known 
of  them  alone.  Gentlemen  put  on  what  hats  and 
great-coats  the  preceding  parties  had  left,  paid  the 
bill — woke  up  the  driver,  and  all  started  for  home. 

Shower  came  on,  making  the  ladies  look  like 
damaged  kaleidoscopes,  and  taking  the  starch  out  of 
the  gentlemen's  collars — the  gum  out  of  their  hats, 
and  the  color  out  of  their  whiskers. 

Upset — females  got  scattered  round  loose  (horses 
didn't  run  away,  not  a  bit  of  it),  one  young  lady  had 
her  foot  in  my  overcoat  pocket,  and  both  hands 
clinched  in  my  hair — got  out  of  the  snarl  at  last, 
and  found  that  I  had  traps  enough  hanging  to  me 
to  manufacture  a  small-sized  new  married  couple — 
a  set  of  false  teeth  in  my  fur  glove — two  pairs  of 
patent  moustaches,  with  the  springs  broken,  in  my 
hat-band,  half  a  head  of  glossy,  ringleted  hair  in  my 
button-hole,  a  lace  collar  hanging  to  my  pantaloons, 
and  my  boots  full  of  puff  combs. 


190  DOESTICKS. 

Righted  up  at  last,  hurried  over  mile-stones,  curb 
stones,  and  pebble-stones,  till  we  reached  the  city — 
took  the  young  ladies  home,  and  was  immediately 
after  arrested  by  a  moist  watchman  for  being  a 
suspicious  character,  and  only  identified  by  my 
friends  in  the  morning,  just  in  time  to  keep  rny  name 
out  of  the  papers. 

Am  completely  disgusted  with  sleigh-riding — the 
enjoyment  is  purely  imaginary,  and  the  expense  not 
at  all  so.  Excitement  aint  pleasure,  any  more  than 
sawdust  pudding  is  roast  turkey — and  then  too,  the 
girls  are  so  different — girls  here  are  such  touch-me- 
not  creatures,  that  no  one  understanding  the  nature 
of  the  animal  would  venture  on  a  kiss,  unless  he 
wanted  to  get  his  mouth  full  of  magnesia  and  car 
mine  ;  fuss,  feathers,  furbelows  and  flummery,  will 
never  make  a  woman  out  of  any  of  these,  until  a 
new  saddle  and  pair  of  gilt  spurs  will  transform  a 
sucking-calf  into  a  race-horse. 

A  modern  belle  stands  no  kind  of  a  chance  with  a 
country  beauty — pale  cheeks  and  dingy  complexions 
may  be  alleviated  by  chalk  and  vermilHon  ;  but  arti 
ficial  hues  are  always  evanescent,  nature  alone  paints 
cheeks  in  fast  colors.  Sitting  up  late  and  guzzling 
brandy  punches  wont  put  the  same  kind  of  crimson 


SPEAKS     OF     THE     GIRLS.  191 

in  the  face  that  is  placed  there  by  getting  up  in  the 
morning,  feeding  the  chickens,  chasing  the  pigs  out 
of  the  garden,  and  drinking  sweet  milk  for  break 
fast.  And  not  only  in  looks  do  they  differ,  but 
they 

"  have  yet 
Some  tasks  to  learn,  some  frailties  to  forget." 

An  affected  giggle  won't  pass  muster  for  a  hearty 
laugh — superficial  boarding-school  "  finishing  "  is 
not  education,  forbad  spelling  will  show,  though  the 
pen  be  held  by  jewelled  fingers — and  bad  French, 
bad  Italian,  and  worse  English,  are  miserable  substi 
tutes  for  conversation,  though  uttered  by  the  fairest 
lips  that  ever  lisped  in  fashionable  drawl. 

It  is  true  that  in  the  circle  ofmy  limited  acquaint 
ance  I  have  the  honor  to  number  some  ladies  whose 
unaffected  manners,  natural  grace,  and  true  polite 
ness  place  even  my  usual  awkwardness  at  perfect 
ease,  while  their  superior  intelligence  causes  me  to 
feel  most  deeply  my  extensive  non-acquirements — but 
to  every  one  of  these  I  have  met  twenty  who,  al 
though  they  could  dance,  sing,  play  the  piano  ;  paint 
on  velvet,  or  work  in  worsted,  flowers  unknown  in 
botany,  and  animals  to  which  ordinary  natural 
historians  are  strangers ;  couldn't  write  an  intel- 


DOESTICKS. 

ligible  English  note,  or  read  anything  more  difficult 
than  easy  words  in  two  syllables ;  and  if  told  that 
wheat  bread  is  made  out  of  kidney  potatoes  wouldn't 
know  the  difference. 

I  repudiate  all  this  tribe  of  diluted  milk-and- 
water  misses,  and  should  I  ever  feel  matrimonially 
inclined  shall  commission  some  country  friend  to 
choose  me  a  wife  who  can  darn  stockings,  and  make 
pumpkin  pies  anyhow,  and  hoe  and  chop  cord- wood, 
if  in  any  case  the  subscriber  shouldn't  be  able  to 
meet  current  family  expenses. 


XXII. 


Cupft  in  Cotti  leather,— IWcutine's  §35. 

X  accordance  with  some  heathen  custom,  the 
origin  of  which  is  unknown  to  moderns,  a  certain 
day  is  selected  in  the  year,  when  people  send  hosts 
of  anonymous  letters  to  other  people,  generally  sup 
posed  to  be  on  the  subject  of  love,  but  which  are 
not  unfrequently  missives  containing  angry,  mali 
cious,  or  insulting  allusions.  This  is  a  day  to  rejoice 
the  hearts  of  the  penny  postmen,  who  always  get 
their  money  before  they  give  up  the  documents. 
This  glorious  day  is,  as  most  people  are  aware,  the 
fourteenth  of  February — time  when  young  ladies 
expect  to  receive  sentimental  poetry  by  the  cord, 
done  up  in  scented  envelopes,  written  upon  gilt- 
edged  paper,  and  blazoned  round  with  cupids, 
hearts,  darts,  bows  and  arrows,  torches,  flames,  birds, 
flowers,  and  all  the  other  paraphernalia  of  those  be- 


191  DOESTICKS. 

fore-folks-  lauglied-at-  but-in-private-  learned-by-heart 
epistles  known  as  "  Valentines. " 

A  time  when  young  gentlemen  let  off  their  excess 
of  love  by  lack-a-daisical  missives  to  their  chosen 
fair ;  praising  in  anonymous  verses  their  to-other- 
eyes  -  undiscoverable  -  but  -  to-  their  -  vision-  brilliantly- 
resplendent  charms — poetizing  red  hair  into  "auburn 
ringlets," — making  skim-milk-colored  eyes,  "orbs, 
the  hue  of  heaven's  own  blue," — causing  scraggy, 
freckled  necks  to  become  "fair  and  graceful  as 
Juno's  swans,"  and  deifying  squat,  dumpy  young 
ladies  into  "first-rate  angels." 

A  time  when  innumerable  people  take  unautho 
rised  liberties  with  the  name  of  a  venerable  Roman, 
long  since  defunct,  laying  themselves  under  all  sorts 
of  obligations,  payable  in  friendship, — pledging  any 
amount  of  love,  and  running  up  tremendous  bills  of 
aifections,  making  no  solid  man  responsible  there 
for,  but  only  signing  the  all-over-christendom- 
once-a-year-universally-forged  cognomen  "Valen 
tine." 

Most  of  these  communications  are  amatory,  some 
sickish,  some  nauseating,  some  satirical,  some  caus 
tic,  some  abusive ;  for  it  seerns  to  be  a  time  which 
many  a  man  takes  advantage  of  to  revenge  some  fan- 


OPINION     OF     VALENTINES.  195 

cied  slight  from  scornful  lady,  by  sending  her  one  of 
those  scandalous  nuisances,  misnamed  "  comic  Va 
lentines  ;"  because  he  thinks  there  will  be  so  many 
of  the  foul  birds  upon  the  wing  that  his  own  carrion 
fledgling  cannot  be  traced  to  its  filthy  nest. 

Bull  Dogge,  who  is  looking  over  my  shoulder,  re 
marks,  that  the  man  who  would  insult  a  lady,  by 
sending  an  anonymous  letter,  would  steal  the  pen 
nies  from  a  blind  man,  and  then  coax  his  dog  away 
to  sell  to  the  butcher  boys. 

And  Bull  Dogge  is  right. 

A  time  when  the  penny  postman  is  looked  for 
with  more  interest  than  if  he  bore  the  glad  tidings 
so  anxiously  expected,  "  Sebastopol  not  taken/' — 
Laura  Matilda  in  the  parlor,  to  whom  he  brings 
but  one,  looks  with  envious  eyes  upon  Biddy  in  the 
kitchen  who  gets  two. 

A  time  when  men  who  haven't  got  a  wife  wish 
they  had,  and  those  who  are  provided  with  that  ar 
ticle  of  questionable  usefulness  wish  they  had  ano 
ther  ;  when  maids  wish  for  one  husband,  and  matrons 
for  half  a  dozen. 

A  time  when  nunneries  and  monasteries  go  into 
disrepute,  and  the  accommodating  doctrines  of  Ma 
homet,  and  the  get-as-many-wives-as-you-can-sup- 


196  DOESTICKS. 

port-and  -keep-them-as-long-as-they-don't-fight  prin 
ciples  of  Mormonism,  are  regnant  in  the  land. 

And  above  all,  a  time  when  independent  bachelors 
like  the  deponent,  are  beset  with  so  many  written 
laudations  of  the  married  state,  by  unknown  females, 
that  every  single-blessed  man  in  all  the  land  wishes 
he  could  take  a  short  nap  and  wake  up  with  a  good- 
looking  wife  and  nine  large-sized  children. 

On  the  morning  of  this  traditional  pairing-off  day, 
the  postman  brought  me  seventeen  letters,  all  unpaid, 
and  all  from  "  Valentine."  Retired  to  my  room — 
closed  the  curtains — lit  the  gas — placed  before  me  a 
mug  of  ale  and  two  soda  crackers,  and  proceeded  to 
open  and  examine  the  documents. 

'No.  1  was  sealed  with  beeswax  and  stamped  with 
a  thimble ;  and  from  its  brown  complexion,  I  should 
think  it  had  fallen  into  the  dishwater,  and  been  dried 
with  a  hot  flatiron.  I  couldn't  read  it  very  well — 
there  wasn't  any  capitals — the  g's  and  y's  had  tails 
with  as  many  turns  as  a  corkscrew,  the  p's  bore  a 
strong  resemblance  to  inky  hair  pins,  the  h's  re 
sembled  miniature  plum  trees  ;  every  f  looked  like 
a  fish-pole,  and  every  z  like  a  frog's  foot,  and  the 
signature  I  should  judge  had  been  made  by  the  ink 
bottle,  which  must  have  been  taken  suddenly  sea- 


RECEIVES     SOME.  197 

sick,  and  have  used  the  paper  as  a  substitute  for  the 
wash-bowl. 

All  I  could  understand  of  it  was  "  my  penn  is 
poor,  my  inck  is  pail,  my  (something)  for  yew  shal 
never  "  do  something  else,  I  couldn't  make  out  what. 

Xo.  2  was  in  a  lace  envelope — cucumber-colored 
paper,  and  was  perfumed  with  something  that  smelt 
like  humble-bees ;  handwriting  very  delicately 
illegible,  proving  that  it  came  from  a  lady — spelling 
very  bad,  showing  that  it  came  from  a  fa&hionablt 
lady — poetry  very  unfamiliar,  commencing  "  come 
rest  in  this  "  the  next  word  looked  like  "  boots,"  but 
that  didn't  seern  to  make  sense — concluded  it  must 
be  "  barn-yard  "  as  it  went  on  to  say  "  though  the 
herd  have  fled  from  thee,  thy  home  is  still  here." 
Couldn't  make  out  whether  she  was  in  earnest  and 
wanted  me  to  come  and  see  her,  or  was  only  trying 
to  insinuate  that  I  was  a  stray  calf,  and  had  better 
go  home  to  my  bovine  parent. 

(Bull  Dogge  says  he  wonders  the  ladies  take  such 
pains  to  render  their  correspondence  unreadable — 
the  op-strokes  being  just  visible  to  the -naked  eye, 
and  the '  down-strokes  no  heavier  than  a  mosquito's 
leg — and  why  there  is  such  a  universal  tendency  to 
make  little  fat  o's  and  a's  just  on  the  line,  so  that 


198  DOESTICKS. 

they  look  like  glass  beads  strung  on  a  horse-hair — 
and  why  they  will  persist  in  making  their  chiro- 
graphy  generally  so  uncertain  and  undecided  that  a 
page  of  ordinary  feminine  handwriting  looks  like  a 
sheet  of  paper  covered  with  a  half  finished  web, 
made  by  'prentice  spiders,  and  condemned  as  awk 
wardly  clumsy  by  the  journeymen  spinners. 

Will  somebody  answer  Bull  Dogge  ? 

I  soon  threw  aside  No.  2  in  disgust,  and  went  on 
to  the  others — most  of  them  pictured  off  with 
hymeneal  designs ;  plethoric  cupids  with  apostolic 
necks — flowers  the  like  of  which  never  grew  any 
where — birds,  intended  for  doves,  supposed  to  be 
"  billing  and  cooing,"  but  which,  in  reality,  more 
resembled  a  couple  of  wooden  decoy  ducks  fastened 
together  by  the  heads  with  a  tenpenny  nail — a  heart 
stuck  through  with  an  arrow,  reminding  me  of  a 
mud  turtle  on  a  fish  spear — little  boy  with  a  feather 
duster  (supposed  to  represent  Hymen  with  his  torch,) 
standing  by  a  dry-goods  box  witli  a  marking  brush 
sticking  out  at  the  top  of  it,  (put  by  courtesy  for  an 
altar  with  a  flame  on  it,)  going  through  some  kind 
of  a  performance  with  a  young  couple  (supposed  to 
be  lovers  intent  on  wedlock,)  who  appeared  as  if 
they  had  done  something  they  were  ashamed  of,  and 


GETS     ONE     FKOM     SAX  DIE.  199 

deserved  to  be  spanked  and  put  in  the  trundle-Led 
• — besides  vines  and  wreaths,  bows,  arrows,  babies, 
and  other  articles,  the  necessity  of  which  to  human 
happiness  I  have  ever  been  at  a  loss  to  discover. 

Some  were  complimentary  and  some  abusive — 
one  was  from  the  bar-keeper  and  hinted  at  egg-nogg, 
insinuating  that  it  wasn't  paid  for — and  one  I  know 
was  from  Sandie,  for  it  accused  me  of  taking  more 
than  half  the  bed-clothes  on  cold  nights.  But  I 
couldn't  find  out  who  wrote  the  good  ones,  and 
couldn't  lick  anybody  for  writing  the  bad  ones,  as 
the  boys  all  denied  it ;  and  as  they  cost  me  three 
cents  each,  I've  regretted  ever  since  that  I  didn't 
sell  them  to  the  corner  grocery  man  to  wrap  round 
sausages,  and  invest  the  money  in  a  flannel 
nightcap. 


XXIII. 


|HE  State  of  Michigan  having  been  the  place  of 
my  preparation  for  College,  and  the  Michigan 
University  the  scene  of  my  brilliant  though  prema 
ture  graduation,  I  was  not  wholly  unacquainted  with 
occidental  geography.  As  I  entered  the  Institution 
just  mentioned,  broke  the  rules,  was  tried,  convicted, 
sentenced,  punished,  fined,  suspended,  and  expelled 
in  an  unprecedented  short  space  of  time,  no  one 
was  more  fully  prepared  than  I  to  admit  that  "  this 
is  a  great  country." 

I  was  somewhat  familiar  with  the  entire  country 
known  as  "  out  west  ;"  had  rode  over  it,  walked  over 
it,  and  been  shot  through  it  by  steam  ;  had  stopped 
at  all  sorts  of  public-houses  from  the  stylish  hotel 
where  you  can  get  your  liquor  in  glass  tumblers, 
have  stairs  to  get  to  your  room  with,  and  can  repose 
on  a  bedstead,  to  the  unostentatious  tavern  where 


IX     K  E  X  T  U  C  K  Y  .  201 

the  whiskey  is  served  out  in  a  tin  dipper,  and  you 
have  to  climb  into  the  garret  by  a  ladder,  and  sleep 
on  a  bundle  of  straw,  under  the  populous  protection 
of  a  horse-blanket.  But  I  never  so  thoroughly  under 
stood  the  discomforts  of  living  at  a  hotel,  as  when  on 
one  occasion  I  strayed  into  the  state  of  Kentucky, 
the  land  of  good  horses,  poor  jackasses,  glorious 
corn-bread,  and  lazy  darkies,  and  stopped  at  the  best 
house  of  entertainment  I  could  discover. 

Having  been  thoroughly  cooked  by  the  broiling 
sun,  which  had  unremittingly  paid  me  his  ardent 
devotions  during  the  whole  day — having  been  alter 
nately  melted  and  blistered — having  had  my  skin 
peeled  by  the  sun  like  a  wet  shirt  from  a  little  boy's 
back — having  made  a  perfect  aqueduct  of  myself 
for  twelve  hours  in  the  fruitless  attempt  to  keep  cool, 
and  having  swallowed  so  much  dust  that  I  had  a 
large  sand-bar  in  my  stomach,  I  sat  down  to  write  in 
as  enviable  a  state  of  mind  as  can  perhaps  be 
imagined.  I  soon  found  that  this  was  one  of  those 
stranger-traps  into  which  unwary  travellers  are 
decoyed,  and  made  to  pay  enormous  prices  for  being 
rendered  supremely  unhappy — a  place  where  com 
fort  is  mercilessly  sacrificed  to  show — where  the 
furniture  is  too  nice  to  use,  the  landlord  of  too  much 


202  DOESTICKS. 

consequential  importance  to  treat  people  decently, 
and  where  there  are  so  many  dishes  on  the  table  that 
there  is  not  room  for  anything  to  eat — where  the 
waiters  run  in  multitudinous  directions  at  the  tap  of 
the  bell,  and  seem  to  occupy  most  of  their  lime 
stepping  on  each  other's  heels,  and  spilling  soup  into 
the  laps  of  the  ladies.  Every  one  of  these  woolly- 
headed  nuisances  expects  to  be  handsomely  feed 
before  he  will  condescend  to  pay  the  slightest  atten 
tion  to  a  guest,  and  a  stranger  must  disburse  an 
avalanche  of  "bits,"  "pics,"  and  "levys,"  before  he 
can  get  even  a  plate  of  cold  victuals. 

My  experience  at  the  house  of  entertainment  at 
present  under  consideration  is  somewhat  as  follows  : 

I  endure  the  inconveniences  of  the  day  with  what 
philosophy  I  may,  and  retire,  to  "  sleep,  perchance." 
During  the  night  I  endeavor  to  bear  without  com 
plaining  the  savage  onslaught  of  ferocious  fleas,  the 
odoriferous  attacks  of  bloodthirsty  bed-bugs,  and  the 
insatiable  and  impetuous  assaults  of  musically  mur 
derous  mosquitoes,  and  eventually  fall  into  a  troubled 
doze,  in  which,  like  a  modern  Macbeth,  who  is 
doomed  to  "  sleep  no  more,"  I  tumble  about  until  1 
am  roused  by  the  infernal  clang  of  that  most  diabo 
lical  of  all  human  contrivances — a  gong,  a  dire 


AT     BREAKFAST.  203 

invention  of  the  enemy,  a  metallic  triumph  of  the 
adversary,  compounded  of  copper,  and  hammered 
upon  with  an  "  overgrown"  drumstick,  by  a  perspir 
ing  darkey  who  does  not  "  waste  his  sweetness  iii  the 
desert  air "  (more's  the  pity).  After  an  abortive 
attempt  to  wash  my  face  in  what  is  truly  living 
water,  with  a  piece  of  marbleized  soap,  and  hastily 
drying  it  upon  three  inches  of  towel  with  a  ragged 
edge  and  iron  rust  in  the  corners,  I  proceed  to  dress. 

Button  off  my  shirt  neck,  which,  being  a  matter  of 
course,  does  not  affect  my  equanimity  half  as  much  as 
finding  that  one  of  the  sleeves  is  torn  nearly  across, 
and  is  only  connected  with  the  main  body  by  a 
narrow  isthmus  of  seam,  which  is  momentarily 
growing  "  small  by  degrees  and  beautifully  less." 

Begin  to  grow  impatient ;  second  gong  for  break 
fast  ;  everything  on  but  boots — open  the  door  and 
find  the  porter  has  brought  the  wrong  ones — he 
always  does — ring  the  bell  indignantly  and  sulkily 
wait  (breakfast  disappearing  the  meanwhile),  until 
the  blundering  darkey  explores  his  subterranean 
dominions  and  eventually  returns  with  the  missing 
articles. 

Breakfast  at  last ;  waiter  sets  before  me  a  mass  of 
bones,  sinews,  and  tendons,  which  he  denominates 


204  DOES  TICKS. 

chicken,  and  then  brings  me  something  which  he 
calls  steak,  although  but  for  the  timely  information 
I  should  have  supposed  it  gutta-percha.  Pours  out 
a  lukewarm  muddy  mixture  supposed  to  have  been 
originally  coffee,  which  I  sweeten  with  niggery 
brown  sugar,  and  swallow  at  a  gulp,  ignoring  the 
milk  pitcher  entirely  on  account  of  the  variety  of 
bugs  which  have  found  a  "  watery  grave"  therein  ; 
bread  hard  and  greasy,  butter  oily  and  full  of  little 
ditches  where  the  flies  have  meandered,  knife  with 
an  edge  like  a  saw,  and  fork  with  a  revolving  handle, 
table  cloth  splotchy,  eggs  hard  as  pebbles ;  rest  of 
bill  of  fare  consists  of  salt  ham,  red  flannel  sausages, 
hash  with  hairs  in  it,  dip-toast  made  with  sour  milk, 
burned  biscuit,  peppery  codfish,  cold  potatoes, 
mutton  chops  all  bones,  and  mackerel  with  head, 
fins,  and  tail  complete.  Stay  my  stomach  with  half 
a  glass  of  equivocal  looking  water,  and  exit. 

Go  to  the  office  and  order  my  room  regulated 
immediately  ;  go  up  in  an  hour  and  find  two  inches 
of  dust  over  everything,  my  portfolios  untied,  books 
open  at  the  wrong  place,  tooth-brush  out  and  wet, 
and  several  long  red  hairs  in  my  comb.  Considerate, 
cleanly  chambermaid ! 


E  E  T  U  K  X  S     TO     MICHIGAN.  205 

Sit  down  on  rny  carpet-bag  and  reflect — resolve  to 
go  back  to  Michigan. 

Pack  trunks,  pay  landlord,  fee  porter,  hurry  to 
the  cars,  tumble  baggage  on  board,  only  too  happy 
if  by  the  diabolical  ingenuity  of  the  baggage-man  it 
does  not  get  put  off  at  the  wrong  station.  So  ends 
my  experience  of  the  "  Uncle  Tom"  State,  which  is 
probably  the  only  place  in  the  world  where  they 
hitch  two  jackasses  before  a  dray,  and  get  a  big  nig 
ger  with  a  red  shirt  on,  up  behind  to  drive  'em  tan- 
deni. 


XXIV. 


>O  a  person  not  accustomed  to  the  unaccountable 
antics  and  characteristic  monkeyshines  of  the 
sable  heroes  of  the  corn  fields,  sugar  plantations,  flat- 
boats,  and  steamboat  "  'tween  decks  "  of  the  lower 
river,  a  continual  fund  of  amusement  is  afforded  by 
their  fantastic  sayings  and  doings.  On  the  Kentucky 
river  I  first  observed  some  of  their  curious  perform 
ances  —  the  boats  on  this  stream  differ  from  any 
others  in  the  world  —  the  one  on  which  I  obtained 
my  experience  was  peculiarly  peculiar,  and  I  find 
my  impressions  of  the  craft  and  the  company  record 
ed  as  follows  :  —  • 

Steamboat  Blue  Wing.  —  Which  said  boat  is  very 
much  the  shape  of  a  Michigan  country-made  sausage, 
and  is  built  with  a  hinge  in  the  middle  to  go  around 
the  sharp  bends  in  the  river,  and  is  manned  by  two 
captains,  four  mates,  sixteen  darkies,  two  stewards,  a 


The    River    Darkies. 


OX     A     STEAMBOAT.  209 

small  boy,  a  big  dog,  an  opossum,  two  pair  of  grey  squir 
rels,  one  clock,  and  a  cream-colored  chamber-maid. 

Fog  so  thick  you  coaldn't  run  a  locomotive  through 
it  without  a  snow-plough ;  night  so  dark  the  clerk 
has  two  men  on  each  side  of  him  with  pitch-pine 
torches,  to  enable  him  to  see  his  spectacles  (he  wears 
spectacles) ;  pilot  so  drunk  the  boys  have  painted 
his  face  with  charcoal  and  coke  berries,  till  he  looks 
like  a  rag  carpet  in  the  last  stages  of  dilapidation ; 
and  he  is  fast  asleep,  with  his  legs  (pardon  me,  but 
— legs),  tied  to  the  capstan,  his  whiskers  full  of  coal- 
dust  and  cinders,  and  the  black  end  of  the  poker 
in  his  mouth. 

Boat  fast  aground,  with  her  symmetrical  nose  six 
feet  deep  in  Kentucky  mud  ;  there  she  complacently 
lies,  waiting  for  the  mail  boat  to  come  along  and  pull 
her  out.  Passengers  elegantly  disposed  in  various 
stages  of  don't-care-a-cent-itiveness,  and  the  subscrib 
er,  taking  advantage  of  the  temporary  sobriety  of  the 
clerk,  and  his  consequent  attendance  in  the  after- 
cabin  to  play  poker  with  the  mates,  embraces  the 
opportunity  to  write.  The  silence  is  of  brief  dura 
tion,  for  I  am  interrupted  by  a  grand  oratorio  by  the 
nigger  firemen,  much  to  my  delight  and  edification. 
It  runs  somewhat  as  follows  : — 


210  DOES  TICKS. 

(Grand  opening  chorus)  "  A-lioo — a-hoo — lioo- 
oooo — a-hooo — a-lioo — a-liooo — a-lioooo-oo !" 

The  dashes  in  the  following  represent  the  passa 
ges  where  the  superfluity  of  the  harmony  prevented 
the  proper  appreciation  of  the  poetry. 
"  Gwin  down  de  ribber — a-hoo-a-O  ! 

Good-bye — nebber  come  back debbil beans 

Gr ey-h aired  inj  un Y a-a — a — aaaa — Y a-a-a- 

a-a-a-a-a 

Ga — • !"  (leader  of  orchestra)  "  dirty  shirt  massa,  got 
de  whisky  bottle  in  his  hat,  dis  poor  ole  boy 

nebber  git  none 

A-hoo — a-hooo — a-hooooo  1"  (ending  in  an  indescriba 
ble  howl). 

(Pensive  darkey  on  the  coal  heap) — "  Miss  Serefiny 
good-bye — farewell;  nebber  git  no  more  red 
pantaloonses  from  Miss  Serefiny — Oho — Aliooo 
— Ahooo-O !" 

(Extemporaneous  voluntary  by  an  original  nigger 
with  two  turkey  feathers  in  his  hat,  and  his  hair  tied 
up  with  yellow  strings ) — 

"Corn   cake — 'lasses   on    it — vaphuns — "  (meaning 
waffles)  "  big  ones  honey  on  'em — Ya-a-a-a-a-a." 
(Stern  rebuke  by  leader) — "  Shut  up  your  mouf. 
you  'leven  hundred  dollar  nigger." 


NEGRO     CONCERT.  211 

(Leader  improvises  as  follows)  "  Hard  work — no 
matter — git  to  hebben  bym-bye — don't  mind — go  it 
boots — linen  hangs  out  behind — "  (here  having 
achieved  a  rhyme,  he  indulges  in  a  frantic  hornpipe.) 
"  My  true  lub — feather  in  him  boots — yaller  gal  got 
another  sweetheart — A-hoo — Ahoooooo ! — Ahooooo- 

oo-O  GOO!!!! ! Hoe  cake  done — nigger  can't 

git  any — ole  hoss  in  de  parlor  playing  de  pianny — 
You-a-a-a — Ga-Ga-Ga."  Captain  here  interferes  and 
orders  the  orchestra  to  wood  up — and  so  interrupts 
the  concert. 

Have  got  over  on  the  Indiana  side,  principal  differ 
ence  to  be  noticed  in  the  inhabitants  is  in  the  hogs ; 
on  the  Kentucky  side  they  are  big,  fat,  and  as  broad 
as  they  are  long ;  on  this  side  they  are  shaped  like  a 
North  river  steamboat,  long  and  lean. 

I  just  saw  two  of  'em  sharpen  their  noses  on  the 
pavement,  and  engage  in  mortal  combat ;  one 
rushed  at  his  neighbor,  struck  him  between  the  eyes, 
split  him  from  end  to  end ;  cart  came  along,  run 
over  the  two  halves,  cut  them  into  hams  and  shoul 
ders  in  a  jiffy — requiescat  in  many  pieces.  This  is 
decidedly  a  rich  country ;  the  staple  productions  are 
big  hogs,  ragged  niggers,  and  the  best  horses  in  the 
United  States.  The  people  live  principally  on  bread 


212  DOESTICE1S. 

made  of  corn  ;  whisky  ditto ;  and  hog  prepared  in 
various  barbarous  ways.  They  give  away  whisky 
and  sell  cold  water.  The  darkies  are  mostly  slaves ; 
they  nail  horseshoes  over  their  doors  to  keep  away 
the  witches,  indulge  in  parti-colored  hats  in  the  most 
superlative  degree  of  dilapidation,  go  barefooted, 
and  have  large  apertures  "  in  puppes  pantalooni." 
It  is  a  perfect  treat  to  watch  their  entertaining  per 
formances.  At  the  hotel  the  allowance  is  fourteen 
niggers  to  each  guest,  and  as  each  one  seems  to  be 
possessed  of  the  peculiar  idea  that  his  province  is  to 
do  nothing  at  all,  with  as  many  nourishes  as  possible, 
the  confusion  that  follows  is  far  from  being  devoid 
of  entertainment. 

They  never  bring  you  anything  you  call  for ;  if 
you  ask  for  chicken,  you  will  probably  get  corned 
beef  and  cabbage  ;  if  you  want  roast  beef,  they  will 
assuredly  bring  you  apple  dumplings  ;  ask  for  sweet 
potatoes,  and  you'll  get  fried  eggs ;  send  for  corn 
bread,  and  you're  safe  to  obtain  boiled  pork  ;  ring  the 
bell  for  a  boot-jack,  and  you'll  get  a  hand-sled. 
And  when  you  want  to  retire  at  night,  instead  of 
providing  you  with  a  pair  of  slippers  and  a  candle, 
the  chances  are  ten  to  one  the  attendant  sable  angel 
will  give  you  a  red  flannel  shirt,  a  shot-gun,  a  flask 


KENTUCKY     PUMPKINS.  213 

of  whisky,  three  boiled  eggs,  and  a  pair  of  smoothing 
irons. 

There  is,  however,  one  redeeming  feature  about 
the  darkies,  they  won't  live  in  the  same  country 
with  Irishmen.  They  can  live  with  hogs,  have  half  a 
dozen  shoats  at  the  dinner-table,  a  litter  of  pigs  in 
the  family  bed,  but  they  can't  abide  Irish. 

The  slaves  are,  as  may  be  imagined,  of  various 
colors,  ranging  from  the  hue  of  the  beautiful  yellow 
envelope  of  the  Post  Office  Department,  to  that  of 
the  blackest  ink  that  ever  indites  a  superscription 
thereon.  The  theory  of  "woman's  rights"  is  in 
practical  operation  among  them  ;  the  men  cook,  set 
the  table,  clean  up  the  dishes,  do  the  washing,  and 
spank  the  babies,  while  their  blacker  halves  hoe 
corn,  chop  wood,  go  to  market,  and  "run  wid  de 
masheen." 

Have  great  fruit  in  this  country ;  apples  big  as 
pumpkins ;  not  very  large  pumpkins,  small-sized 
pumpkins,  diminutive  pumpkins,  infantile  pumpkins, 
just  emerged  from  blossornhood,  and  ere  they  have 
assumed  that  golden  overcoat  which  maketh  their 
maturer  friends  so  glorious  to  the  view.  And  pump 
kin  pies,  manufactured  by  the  sable  god  of  the 
kitchen  ;  pies  enormous  to  behold ;  wherein  after 


DOE  STICKS. 


they  are  ready  to  be  devoured  yon  might  wade  up 
to  your  knees  in  that  noble  compound  which  filletli 
the  interior  thereof,  and  maketh  the  pie  savory  and 
nectarean  ;  in  fact,  pies  celestial,  whereof  writers  in 
all  ages  have  discoursed  eloquently. 

To  return  to  the  principal  topic  —  the  darkies  — 
they  are  all  built  after  the  same  model  ;  hand  like  a 
shoulder  of  mutton,  teeth  white  as  milk,  foot  of  suit 
able  dimensions  for  a  railroad  bridge,  and  mouth 
big  enough  for  the  depot  ;  have  all  got  six  toes  on 
each  foot,  skull  like  an  oak  plank,  yellow  eyes,  and 
nose  like  a  split  pear. 


XXV. 


naturally  required  some  considerable  time  to 
recover  from  the  tremendous  effect  produced 
upon  my  nervous  system,  by  witnessing  the  une 
qualled  acting  of  the  "  American  Tragedian  ;''  so 
that  several  weeks  elapsed  before  I  felt  again  dis 
posed  to  visit  a  theatre. 

At  length,  however,  I  began  to  feel  a  longing  for 
the  green  curtain  again  ;  and  feeling  time  hang 
heavy  on  my  hands  from  the  fact  that  I  had  an  entire 
evening  at  my  own  disposal,  I  held  a  great  consulta 
tion  with  my  inseparable  friends,  on  the  most  feasible 
and  agreeable  method  of  sacrificing  the  great  horo- 
logical  enemy. 

After  mature  deliberation,  we  resolved  to  visit  the 
lately  established,  "  truly  gorgeous  temple  of  the 
fc  muses,'  "  and  witness  the  redemption  of  one  of  the 
pledges  of  the  Directors,  who  had  promised  us  the 


216  DOESTICKS. 

restoration  of  the  legitimate  classic  drama.  "We 
believed  that  there  we  should  find  "  true  artistic 
taste,  displayed  in  the  adornment  and  decoration  of 
the  building,"  and  that  we  should  see  "  sterling 
plays  acted  by  performers  of  the  highest  merit; 
where  every  attention  would  be  paid  to  propriety 
arid  elegance  of  costume,  and  splendor  and  magnifi 
cence  of  stage  appointments." 

We  took  a  stage  and  navigated  up  Broadway  until 
we  came  opposite  Bond  street,  to  the  place  where  a 
big  canvas  sign  marks  the  entrance  to  the  "  Grand 
Thespian  Wigwam,  and  Head  Quarters  of  Modern 
Orpheus" 

Through  a  wedge-shaped  green-baize  door — down 
a  crooked  pair  of  stairs — under  an  overhanging  ar,ch 
— and  we  stood  in  the  parquette. 

Took  a  front  seat,  and  immediately  had  occasion 
to  commend  the  economy  of  the  managers  in  not 
lighting  the  gas  in  the  upper  boxes — then  proceeded 
to  admire  in  detail  the  many  beauties  of  this  superb 
edifice,  which,  at  first  glance,  reminded  me  of  an 
overgrown  steamboat  cabin. 

Looked  for  a  long  time  at  the  indefinite  Indian 
over  the  stage,  trying  to  fix  the  gender  to  my  satis 
faction,  and  decide  whether  it  is  a  squaw  or  an  indi- 


LOOKS     ABOUT     HIM.  217 

vicinal  of  masculinity — hard  to  tell,  for  it  lias  the 
face,  form,  and  anatomical  developments  of  the 
former,  and  the  position  and  hunting  implements  of 
the  latter — I  concluded  that  it  must  be  an  original 
Woman's  Rights  female,  who,  in  the  lack  of  breeches, 
had  taken  possession  of  the  "  traps  "  of  her  copper- 
colored  lord  and  master,  and,  getting  tired  of  the 
unusual  playthings,  had  lain  down  to  take  a  snooze. 

Admired  the  easy  and  graceful  drapery  painted  on 
the  "  drop,"  which  looks  as  if  it  was  whittled  out  of 
a  pine  shingle — took  a  perplexed  view  of  the  assorted 
landscape  depicted  thereon — endeavored  to  reconcile 
the  Turkish  ruins  with  the  Swiss  mountains,  or  the 
Gothic  castle  with  the  Arab  slaves— wanted  to  har 
monize  the  camels  and  other  tropical  quadrupeds  on 
the  right,  with  the  frozen  mill-pond  on  the  left — 
couldn't  understand  why  the  man  on  the  other  side 
of  the  same,  among  the  distant  mountains,  should  be 
so  much  larger  than  the  individual  close  to  the  shore, 
who  is  supposed  to  be  nearer  by  several  miles. 

Tried  to  make  out  what  the  man  in  a  turban  is 
doing  with  his  legs  crossed  under  him,  on  a  raft,  but 
irave  it  up — admired  exceedingly  the  two  rows  of 
private  boxes,  which  looked  like  windows  in  a  mar 
tin-house,  but  could  not  perceive  the  propriety  of 


218  DOESTICKS. 

having  them  supported  by  plaster  of  paris  ladies, 
without  any  arms,  and  their  bodies  covered  up  in 
patent  metallic  burial-cases.  (I  was  informed  that 
the  artist  calls  them  Caryatides.) 

Was  impressed  with  the  admirable  proportions  of 
the  stage ;  a  hundred  and  eleven  feet  wide,  by  four 
feet  ten  inches  deep — reminded  me  forcibly  of  an 
empty  seidlitz-powder  box,  turned  up  edgeways — 
censured  the  indelicacy  of  the  managers  in  permit 
ting  the  immodest  little  cupids,  who  tacitly  perform 
on  the  impossible  lutes  and  fiddles,  to  appear  before 
so  refined  an  audience,  "all  in  their  bare" — (my 
friend  says  the  drapery  was  "  omitted  by  particular 
request.") 

Was  much  chagrined  about  a  mistake  I  made 
concerning  a  picture  on  one  of  the  proscenium  flats, 
which  I  mistook  for  a  Kentucky  backwoods  girl,  with 
a  bowie-knife  in  one  hand  and  a  glass  of  corn- whiskey 
in  the  other;  but  I  was  told  that  it  represents  the 
tragic  muse,  with  the  dagger  and  poison  bowl. 

Kesolved  not  to  be  deceived  about  the  match 
picture  on  the  other  side,  and  after  an  attentive 
scrutiny,  I  determined  that  it  is  either  a  female  rag 
picker  with  a  scoop-shovel,  or  a  Virginia  wench  with 
a  hoe-cake  in  her  hand  ;'  and  I  made  up  my  mind 


THE     CURTAIN     GOES     UP.  219 

that  any  one  disposed  to  heathenism  might  safely 
worship  the  same,  and  transgress  no  scriptural  com 
mand,  for  it  certainly  is  a  likeness  of  "  nothing  in 
the  heavens  above,  the  earth  beneath,  or  the  waters 
under  the  earth."  Many  other  barbaric  attempts  at 
ornamentation  claimed  my  attention,  and  would 
have  received  particular  notice,  had  I  not  perceived 
by  the  stir  in  front  of  the  stage  that  the  performance 
was  about  to  commence. 

The  multitudinous  orchestra  came  out  in  a  crowd 
— the  big  fiddle  man  took  the  emerald  epidermis 
from  off  his  high-shouldered  instrument,  and  after  a 
half  hour  preparatory  tuning,  and  forty-one  pages  of 
excruciating  overture,  the  little  bell  didn't  ring 
(they  never  ring  a  bell  at  this  aristocratic  establish 
ment — it  smacks  of  the  kitchen),  but  with  a  creaking 
of  pulleys,  a  trampling  of  feet,  a  rattling  of  ropes, 
and  a  noise  like  a  full-grown  thunderstorm,  the  cur 
tain  went  up. 

Magnificent  forest  scene — two  blue-looking  trees 
on  one  side — a  green  baize  carpet  to  represent  grass 
— blue  calico  borders  over  head  to  suggest  sky — a 
bower  so  low  the  hero  thrice  knocked  his  hat  off 
going  under  to  see  his  "  lady  love,"  and  a  mossy 


DOESTICKS. 

bank  in  one  corner,  made  of  canvass,  stretched  over 
a  basswood  plank,  and  painted  rnud  color. 

Audience  all  silent,  waiting  the  coming  of  the 
"  Evening  Star,"  the  lovelorn  heroine  of  the  piece — 
at  length  she  comes — with  a  hop,  step,  and  a  jump, 
she  blushingly  alights  in  the  middle  of  the  stage — 
applause — she  teeters — cheering — she  teeters  lower 
yet — prolonged  clapping  of  hands — boquet  hits  her 
on  the  head  ;  she  picks  it  up  and  teeters  lower  still 
— a  dozen  or  so  more  fall  at  her  feet,  or  are  scattered 
indiscriminately  over  the  fiddlers  and  the  boys  in 
the  front  row — somebody  throws  a  laurel  wreath — 
she  again  teeters  to  the  very  earth,  so  low  that  I 
think  she  will  have  to  sit  flat  down  and  pick  herself 
up  by  degrees  at  her  leisure,  but  she  ultimately 
comes  up  all  right. 

Melodramatic  villain  comes  on  with  a  black  drees, 
and  a  blacker  scowl  on  his  intellectual  visage — has 
some  hard  words  with  the  heroine — she  calls  him  a 
"  cowardly  wretch,"  a  "vile  tiling"  defies  him  to  his 
teeth,  tells  him  to  do  his  worst,  and  finishes  in  an  ex 
hausted  mutter,  in  which  I  could  only  distinguish 
disconnected  words,  such  as  "  poison,"  "  vengeance," 
"heaven,"  "justice,"  "blood,"  "true-love,"  and 
"  death." 


AN     INTERESTING     PAIK.  221 

Despairing  lover  appears  in  the  background,  re 
markable  principally  for  his  spangled  dress  and  dirty 
tights,  at  sight  of  whom  the  defiant  maid  immedi 
ately  changes  her  tune,  and  prays  powerful  villain 
to  spare  her  beloved  Adolphus — powerful  villain 
scowls  blacker,  and  turns  up  his  lip — heroine  gets 
more  distracted  than  before — scowly  villain  won't 
relent — suffering  young  lady  piles  on  the  agony,  and 
implores  him  "  to  save  my  father  from  a  dungeon, 
and  take  this  wretched  hand." 

Powerful  villain  evidently  going  to  do  it,  when 
heroic  lover  comes  down  on  a  run,  throws  one  arm 
around  his  lady-love,  draws  his  sword  with  the 
other,  strikes  a  grand  attitude,  and  makes  a  terrific 
face  at  powerful  villain,  who  disappears  inconti 
nently — lover  drops  his  bloodthirsty  weapon,  slaps 
his  hand  on  his  breast,  and  the  interesting  pair  pokes 
their  head  over  each  other's  shoulders,  and  embrace 
in  the  orthodox  stage  fashion. 

Scene  closes. 

Magnificent  chamber,  furnished  with  a  square- 
legged  table,  two  chairs,  and  carpets  whose  short 
comings  are  distinctly  visible  to  the  naked  eye — tri 
umphal  march,  long  dose  of  trumpet,  administered  in 
a  flourish — supposed  to  portend  the  advent  of  royalty. 


222  DOESTICKS. 

Enter  procession  of  badly  scared  "  supes,"  with 
cork  whiskers,  wooden  spears,  pasteboard  helmets, 
tin  shields  resplendent  with  Dutch  metal,  and 
sandals  of  ingenious  construction  and  variety — 
they  march  in  in  single  file,  treading  on  each  other's 
heels,  keeping  step  with  the  majestic  regularity  of 
a  crowd  of  frightened  sheep  escaping  from  a  pur 
suing  bull-dog,  and  form  a  line  which  looks  like  a 
rainbow  with  a  broken  back. 

King  swaggers  in,  looking  very  wild — distracted 
heroine  enters  all  in  tears,  her  hair  down  her  back, 
her  sleeves  rolled  up,  (evidently  being  convinced 
that  "  Jerdon  is  a  hard  road,")  and  her  general  ap 
pearance  expressive  of  great  agony  of  mind. 

She  makes  a  tearing  speech  to  the  king,  during 
which  she  rolls  up  her  eyes,  throws  her  arms  about, 
wrings  her  hands,  pitches  about  in  a  certain  and  un 
reliable  manner,  like  a  galvanized  frog — sinks  on  her 
knees,  rumples  her  hair,  yells,  cries,  whispers, 
screams,  squirms,  begs,  entreats,  dances,  wriggles, 
shakes  her  fist  at  powerful  villain — stretches  forth 
her  hand  to  heaven — throws  her  train  around  as  if 
she  was  cracking  a  coach  whip — slides  about  like  a 
small  boy  on  skates,  and  at  length,  when  she  has  ex 
erted  herself  till  she  is  hoarse,  she  faints  into  the 


AX     OMNIPRESENT    TABLE.  223 

arms  of  heroic  lover,  who  stands  convenient ;  her 
body  from  the  waist  up  being  in  a  deep  swoon,  while 
her  locomotive  apparatus  retains  its  usual  action,  and 
walks  off  without  assistance,  although  the  inanimate 
part  of  her  is  borne  away  in  the  careful  arms  of  the 
enamored  swain  in  the  dirty  tights. 

Several  scenes  follow,  in  all  of  which  the  heroic 
lover,  the  dark  villain,  and  the  despairing  maiden, 
figure  conspicuously,  and  the  scenic  resources  of  this 
magnificent  establishment  are  displayed  to  the  ut 
most  advantage — the  omnipresent  square-legged  table 
being  equal  to  any  emergency — being  an  ornament 
of  elegant  proportions  in  the  palace,  then  an  appro 
priate  fixture  in  the  lowly  cot  of  the  "poor  but 
honest  parents"  of  heroic  lovers. 

It  is  used  by  the  King  to  sign  a  death-warrant  on, 
and  is  then  transferred  to  the  kitchen,  where  it 
makes  a  convenient  platform  upon  which  the  low- 
comedy  servant  dances  a  hornpipe — it  then  reappears 
in  the  country-house  of  a  powerful  villain,  who  uses 
it  by  night  for  a  bedstead — and  it  then  makes  its 
final  appearance  in  the  King's  private  library,  prior 
to  its  eventual  resurrection  in  the  farce,  where  bar 
maid  has  it  covered  with  pewter  beer-mugs  and 
platters  of  cold  victuals. 


DOE  STICKS. 

•?« 

And  tlie  same  two  ubiquitous  chairs  go  through 
every  gradation  of  fortune,  turn  up'  in  all  sorts  of 
unexpected  places,  are  always  forthcoming  when  we 
least  expect  to  see  them — are  chairs  of  state  or 
humble  stools,  as  occasion  may  require — are  put  to 
all  sorts  of  uses — appear  in  varied  unexpected  capa 
cities,  and  finally,  when  we  think  their  Protean  trans 
formations  are  at  last  exhausted,  they  re-appear, 
covered  with  flannel  ermine  and  Turkey  red  calico, 
doing  duty  as  thrones  for  the  King  and  Queen,  and 
we  are  expected  to  honor  them  accordingly. 

The  end  draws  nigh — brigands  begin  to  appear  in 
every  other  scene — dark  lanterns,  long  swords,  and 
broad  cloaks  are  in  the  ascendant. 

Terrible  thunder-storm  prevails — the  dashing  rain 
is  imitated  as  closely  as  dried  peas  and  No.  1  shot 
can  be  expected  to  do  it — the  pendant  sheet  iron 
does  its  duty  nobly,  and  the  home-made  thunder  is 
a  first-rate  article.  The  plot  thickens,  so  does  the 
weather — heroic  young  lover  is  in  a  peck  of  troubles 
— has  a  clandestine  moonlight,  midnight  meeting 
with  injured  damsel,  and  they  resolve  to  kill  them 
selves  and  take  the  chances  of  something  "  turning 
up"  in  another  world. 

Comic  servant  eats  whole  mince  pies,  drinks  innu- 


VIEWS     T  H'E     F  I  X  A  L  E  .  225 

merable  bottles  of  wine,  and  devours  countless  legs 
of  mutton  and  plum-puddings  at  a  sitting. 

Villain  is  triumphant — blood  and  murder  seem  to 
be  victorious  over  innocence  and  virtue — when  sud 
denly  "  a  change  comes  o'er  the  spirit  of  their 
dreams." 

Heroic  lover  resolves  not  to  die,  but  to  distinguish 
himself — fights  a  single-handed  combat  with  seven 
robbers — stabs  three,  kicks  one  into  a  mill-pond,  and 
throws  the  rest  over  a  precipice — distressed  maid  is 
pursued  by  bandit  chief — is  rescued  by  heroic  lover, 
who  catches  her  in  his  arms  and  jumps  with  her 
through  a  trap-door  over  a  picket  fence. 

Hero  is  unexpectedly  discovered  to  be  a  Prince, 
which  fact  is  made  known  to  the  world  by  his  old 
nurse,  who  comes  from  some  unknown  region,  and 
whose  word  everybody  seems  to  set  down  as  gospel. 

Despairing  lady  proves  to  be  a  Princess — King 
summons  all  hands  to  appear  before  him — heroic 
lover  plucks  up  courage,  runs  at  big  villain  with  his 
sword — fight,  with  all  the  usual  stamps  by  the  com 
batants,  and  appropriate  music  by  the  orchestra. 

Big  villain  is  stabbed — falls  with  his  head  close 
to  the  wing — prompter  slaps  red  paint  in  his  left 
eye — looks  very  bloody — acts  very  malicious — spits 


226  DOES  TICKS. 

at  heroic  lover — squirms  about  a  good  deal — kicks 
his  boots  off — soils  his  stockings,  and  after  a  pro 
longed  spasmodic  flourish  with  both  legs,  his  wig 
comes  off,  he  subsides  into  an  extensive  calm,  and 
dies  all  over  the  stage. 

Everybody  is  reconciled  to  everybody  else.  King 
comes  down  from  his  throne  to  join  the  hands  of  the 
loving  pair,  and  immediately  abdicates  in  favor  of 
persevering  lover — people  all  satisfied — young  hus 
band  kisses  his  bride,  leaving  part  of  his  painted 
moustache  on  her  forehead,  and  she,  in  return,  wipes 
the  Venetian  red  from  her  cheeks  upon  his  white  satin 
scarf — Grand  Tableau — triumph  of  virtue  (painted 
young  man  and  woman)  over  vice — (big  dead  rascal). 
Everybody  cries  "  hooray" — curtain  goes  down. 

The  appreciating  audience  congratulate  them 
selves  on  having  done  their  part  to  encourage  and 
sustain  the  "  Modern  Classic  Drama." 

Had  I  not  been  informed  by  the  advertisement  of 
the  "  Grand  Thespian  Wigwam,"  that  this  was  a 
specimen  of  a  sterling  "  legitimate  Classic  Drama," 
I  should  have  supposed  it  to  be  a  blood  and  thunder 
graft  of  another  stock  transplanted  here  for  the  de 
lectation  of  "  upper-tendorn" — from  the  rustic  shades 
of  the  unmentionable  Bowery. 


VIEWS     THE     FINALE. 

Since  my  visit  to  this  Modern  Temple  of  the 
Drama,  it  has  been  converted  into  a  Circus,  and  the 
Home  of  Tragedy  has  been  changed  into  a  "  King'' 

for  the  Exhibition  of  Summersets  and  Sawdust. 
10 


XXVI. 


at 


>OT  satisfied  with  having  seen  the  place  of 
amusement  referred  to  in  the  last  chapter,  I 
also  desired  to  go  over  to  the  twenty-five  cent  side  of 
the  town,  and  behold  the  splendors  of  their  dramatic 
world.  Accordingly,  I've  been  to  the  Bowery  Thea 
tre  —  the  realm  of  orange-peel  and  peanuts  —  the 
legitimate  home  of  the  unadulterated,  undiluted  san 
guinary  drama  —  the  school  of  juvenile  Jack-Shep- 
pardism,  where  adolescent  "  shoulder  hitters"  and 
politicians  in  future  take  their  first  lessons  in  row 
dyism. 

Where  the  seeds  of  evil  are  often  first  planted  in 
the  rough  bosom  of  the  uncared-for  boy,  and,  deve 
loped  by  the  atmosphere  of  this  moral  hot-house, 
soon  blossom  into  crime. 

"Where,  by  perverted  dramatic  skill,  wickedness  is 
clothed  in  the  robes  of  romance  and  pseudo-heroism 


OBSERVATIONS.  229 

so  enticingly  as  to  captivate  the  young  imagination, 
and  many  a  mistauglit  youth  goes  hence  into  the 
world  with  the  firm  belief  that  to  rival  Dick  Turpin 
or  Sixteen-String  Jack  is  the  climax  of  earthly  honor. 

A  place  where  they  announce  a  grand  "  benefit" 
five  nights  in  the  week,  for  the  purpose  of  cutting 
off  the  free-list,  on  which  occasions  the  performance 
lasts  till  the  afternoon  of  the  next  day. 

Where  the  newsboys  congregate  to  see  the  play, 
and  stimulate,  with  their  discriminating  plaudits,  the 
"  star"  of  the  evening. 

For  this  is  the  spawning-ground  of  theatrical 
luminaries  unheard-of  in  other  spheres ;  men  who 
having  so  far  succeeded  in  extravagant  buffoonery, 
or  in  that  peculiar  kind  of  serious  playing  which 
may  be  termed  mad-dog  tragedy,  as  to  win  the  favor 
of  this  audience,  forthwith  claim  celestial  honors, 
and  set  up  as  "  stars." 

And  a  star  benefit-night  at  this  establishment  is  a 
treat ;  the  beneficiary  feasts  the  whole  company  after 
the  performance,  and  they  hurry  up  their  work  as 
fast  as  possible  so  as  to  begin  their  jollification  at  the 
nearest  tavern ;  they  have  a  preliminary  good  time 
behind  the  scenes  with  such  viands  and  potables  as 
admit  of  hurried  consumption. 


230  DOESTICKS. 

So  that  while  the  curtain  is  down,  Lady  Macbeth 
and  the  witches  may  be  seen  together  drinking 
strong-beer,  and  devouring  crackers  and  cheese ; 
and  after  Macbeth  has  murdered  Duncan,  and  Mac- 
duff  has  finished  Macbeth,  they  all  three  take  a 
"  whisky  skin,"  and  agree  to  go  fishing  next  Sun 
day. 

The  "  Stranger"  plays  a  pathetic  scene,  rushes 
from  the  stage  in  a  passion  of  tears,  and  is  discovered 
the  next  minute  eating  ham  sandwiches  and  drink 
ing  Scotch  ale  out  of  the  bottle — or  Hamlet,  after 
his  suicidal  soliloquy,  steps  off,  and,  as  the  curtain 
descends  upon  the  act,  dances  a  hornpipe  with  a 
ballet-girl,  while  the  Ghost  whistles  the  tune  and 
beats  time  with  an  oyster-knife. 

But  the  Bowery  audiences  are,  in  their  own 
fashion,  critical,  and  will  have  everything,  before  the 
curtain,  done  to  suit  their  taste. 

An  actor  must  do  his  utmost,  and  make  things 
ring  again  ;  and  wo  be  to  him  who  dares,  in  a  fero 
cious  struggle,  a  bloody  combat,  or  a  violent  death, 
to  abate  one  single  yell,  to  leave  out  on^bitter  curse, 
or  omit  the  tithe  of  a  customary  contortion.  He 
will  surely  rue  his  presumption,  for  many  a  comba 
tant  has  been  forced  to  renew  an  easily  won  broad- 


OBSERVATIONS.  231 

sword  combat,  adding  fiercer  blows,  and  harder 
stamps — and  many  a  performer  who  has  died  too 
comfortably,  and  too  much  at  his  ease  to  suit  his  ex 
acting  audience,  has  been  obliged  to  do  it  all  over 
again,  with  the  addition  of  extra  jerks,  wri things, 
fiounderings,  and  high-pressure  spasms,  until  he  has 
"  died  the  death"  set  down  for  him. 

An  actress,  to  be  popular  at  this  theatre,  must  be 
willing  to  play  any  part,  from  Lady  Macbeth  to 
Betsey  Baker — sing  a  song,  dance  a  jig,  swallow  a 
sword,  ride  a  bare-backed  horse,  fight  with  guns, 
lances,  pistols,  broadswords,  and  single-sticks — walk 
the  tight-rope,  balance  a  ladder  on  her  nose,  stand 
on  her  head,  and  even  throw  a  back-summerset. 
She  must  upon  occasion  play  male  parts,  wear  pan 
taloons,  smoke  cigars,  swear,  swagger,  and  drink 
raw-whiskey  without  making  faces. 

The  refined  taste  wiiich  approbates  these  qualifica 
tions  is  also  displayed  in  the  selection  of  dramas 
suitable  for  their  display.  Shakspeare,  as  a  general 
thing,  is  too  slow.  Richard  III.  might  be  endured, 
if  they  would  bring  him  a  horse  when  he  calls  for 
it,  and  let  him  fight  Richmond  and  his  army  single- 
handed,  and  finally  shoot  himself  with  a  revolver, 
rather  than  give  up  beat. 


232  DOESTICKS. 

Macbeth  could  only  expect  an  enthusiastic  wel 
come,  if  all  the  characters  were  omitted  but  the 
three  witches  and  the  ghost  of  Banquo  ;  but  usually 
nothing  but  the  most  slaughterous  tragedies  and 
melo-dramas  of  the  most  mysterious  and  sanguinary 
stamp,  give  satisfaction. 

A  tragedy  hero  is  a  milk-sop,  unless  he  rescues 
some  forlorn  maiden  from  an  impregnable  castle, 
carries  her  down  a  forty-foot  ladder  in  his  arms, 
holds  her  with  one  hand,  while  with  the  other  he  an 
nihilates  a  score  or  so  of  pursuers,  by  picking  up 
one  by  the  heels,  and  with  him  knocking  out  the 
brains  of  all  the  rest,  then  springs  upon  his  horse, 
leaps  him  over  a  precipice,  rushes  him  up  a  moun 
tain,  and  finally  makes  his  escape  with  his  prize 
amid  a  tempest  of  bullets,  Congreve  rockets,  Greek 
fire  and  bomb-shells. 

Thus  it  may  be  supposed  that  no  ordinary  mate 
rials  will  furnish  stock  for  a  successful  Bowery  play. 
Probabilities,  or  even  improbable  possibilities,  are 
too  tame.  Even  a  single  ghost  to  enter  in  a  glare  of 
blue  light,  with  his  throat  cut,  and  a  bloody  dagger 
in  his  breast,  and  clanking  a  dragging  chain,  wrould 
be  too  common-place. 

"When  the  boys  are  in  the  chivalric  vein,  and  dis- 


READS     THE    BILL.  233 

posed  to  relish  a  hero,  to  content  them  he  must  be 
able,  in  defence  of  distressed  maidens,  (the  Bowery 
boys  are  ragged  knights-errant  in  their  way,  and 
greatly  compassionate  forlorn  damsels,)  to  circum 
vent  and  destroy  a  small-sized  army,  and  eat  the 
captain  for  luncheon. 

If  they  are  in  a  murderous  mood,  nothing  less 
than  a  full-grown  battle,  with  a  big  list  of  killed  and 
wounded,  will  satisfy  their  thirst  for  blood  ;  and  if 
they  fancy  a  touch  of  the  ghastly,  nothing  will  do 
but  new-made  graves,  coffins,  corpses,  gibbering 
ghosts,  and  grinning  skeletons. 

I  went  by  the  old,  damaged,  "  spout-shop"  the 
other  day — saw  a  big  bill  for  the  evening,  and 
stopped  to  read — magnificent  entertainment  —  to 
commence  with  a  five-act  tragedy,  in  which  the  hero 
is  pin-sued  to  the  top  of  a  high  mountain,  and  after 
slaying  multitudes  of  enemies,  he  is  swallowed  up 
by  an  earthquake,  mountain  and  all,  just  in  time  to 
save  his  life. 

Professor  Somebody  was  to  go  from  the  floor  to 
the  ceiling  on  a  tight  rope,  having  an  anvil  tied  to 
each  foot,  and  a  barrel  of  salt  in  his  teeth — then  the 
interesting  and  bloody  drama,  "  the  Red  Revenging 
Ruffian  Robber,  or  Bold  Blueblazo  of  the  Bloody 


234:  DOESTICKS. 

Bradawl " — after  which,  a  solo  on  the  violin,  half  a 
dozen  comic  songs,  three  fancy  dances,  and  a  recita 
tion  of  the  "  Sailor  Boy's  Dream,"  with  a  real  ham 
mock  to  "  spring  from,"  three  farces,  and  a  comic 
opera — then  Bullhead's  Bugle  Band  would  give  a 
concert,  assisted  by  the  Ethiopian  Minstrel  Doves — 
then  an  amateur  would  dance  the  Shanghae  Rigadoon 
on  a  barrel-head — after  which  Madame  Jumpli  Theo. 
Skratch  would  display  her  agility  by  leaping  through 
a  balloon  over  a  pyramid,  composed  of  a  hose  truck, 
two  beer  barrels,  and  a  mountain  of  green  fire. 

Numberless  other  things  were  promised,  in  the 
shape  of  Firemen's  addresses,  songs,  legerdemain, 
acrobatic  exercises,  ventriloquism,  &c.,  the  whole  to 
conclude  with  an  original  Extravaganza,  in  which 
the  whole  company  would  appear. 

I  paid  iny  money,  and  got  inside.  A  great  many 
straight-up-and-down  red-faced  ladies  were  in  the 
boxes,  with  cotton  gloves  on,  and  bonnets  so  small 
you  couldn't  tell  they  had  any  at  all  unless  you  went 
behind  and  took  a  rear  view — and  a  multitude  of 
men  who  chewed  a  great  deal  of  tobacco,  and  sat 
with  their  hats  on ;  a  policeman  stood  in  front  of 
the  stage,  and  made  a  great  deal  of  noise  with  a 
cane,  and  constituted  himself  a  nuisance  generally. 


DESCRIBES     THE     COMPANY.  235 

The  Pit,  the  dominion  of  the  newsboys,  was  full 
of  these  young  gentlemen,  in  their  shirt-sleeves, 
with  boots  too  big,  and  caps  perched  on  the  extreme 
supporting  point  of  the  head  (the  New  York  news 
boy  always  puts  his  cap  on  the  back  of  his  neck, 
and  pulls  all  his  hair  over  his  eyes),  who  were  re 
markably  familiar  and  easy  in  their  manners,  and 
all  had  bobtailed  appellations ;  no  boy  had  a  whole 
name  any  more  than  a  whole  suit  of  clothes ;  nothing 
more  than  Bob  or  Bill,  with  an  adjective  prefixed, 
which  transformed  it  into  "  Cross-eyed  Bob,"  or 
"  Stub-legged  Bill." 

They  enjoyed  the  performances  much ;  they  cheer 
ed  the  tragedy  man  when  he  howled  like  a  mad-bu]l, 
and  hammered  his  stomach  with  both  hands;  ap 
plauded  the  injured  maiden  when  she  told  the 
"  villain,"  "  another  step,  and  she  would  lay  him  a 
corpse  at  her  feet,"  at  the  same  time  showing  a 
dagger  about  as  big  as  a  darning-needle,  and  also^ 
when  in  despair  at  being  deserted  by  the  fellow  in 
the  yellow  boots,  in  a  spangled  night-gown,  she 
poisoned  herself  with  something  out  of  a  junk-bottle, 
and  expired  in  satisfactory  convulsions. 

They  threw  apples  at  the  man  whb  walked  up  the 

rope,  and  tossed  peanuts  on  the  stage  when  the  girl 
10* 


236  DOESTIOKS. 

with  the  foggy  dress  was  going  to  dance ;  they  called 
the  actors  by  their  names  as  they  came  on  the  stage, 
audibly  criticising  their  dress  and  manner,  the  per 
formers  often  joining  in  the  conversation — one  instant 
talking  heroic  poetry  to  some  personage  of  the  scene, 
and  the  next  inquiring  of  Jake,  in  the  pit,  how  he 
would  trade  his  bull-terrier  for  a  fighting  cock  and 
a  pair  of  pistols. 

I  stayed  all  night  and  watched  the  fun — began  to 
get  hungry — audience  all  tired,  and  actors  asleep  on 
the  stage  from  sheer  exhaustion — the  noisy  police 
man  was  leaning  against  the  orchestra  railing  fast 
asleep — the  boys  had  blacked  his  face  with  a  burnt 
cork,  filled  his  boots  full  of  peanut-shells,  and  cut  a 
hole  in  his  hat  to  put  a  candle  in ;  those  boys  who 
were  awake  were  pulling  the  boots  off  the  sleepy 
ones,  and  putting  them  into  the  bass  drum  through 
a  hole  which  they  had  punched  with  a  crutch. 

On  the  stage  the  Emperor  was  sleeping  on  his 
throne,  with  his  mouth  open  like  a  fly-trap — the 
"injured  lady"  had  sunk  flat  down  upon  the  floor — 
a  robber  lay  each  side — she  was  using  the  "  villain" 
as  a  pillow,  and  had  her  feet  tangled  in  the  hair  of 
the."  Amber  Witch,"  who  was  sleeping  near.  . 

I  noticed  the  short-skirted  dancing-girl  reposing 


SATISFIED.  237 

upon  a  pile  of  "  property"  apple-dumplings,  and  the 
prompter  was  stretched  on  the  top  of  a  canvas  vol 
cano,  with  the  bell-rope  in  his  hand,  and  his  hair  full 
of  resin  from  the  "  lightning-box." 

Had  enough  theatre  for  once — went  straight  home, 
got  a  late  breakfast,  and  went  to  bed  just  as  the 
clock  struck  three-quarters  past  ten. 


c/,".  0  r  r 


Doesticks    in    the    Lodge    of    the'  K.    N.'s. 


XXVII. 

of  the  |i.  |Vs.— 
$niti;t;ion.  —  $)bil;micr 


of  late  heard  a  great  deal  about  a 
mysterious  individual  known  as  "  Sam,"  I 
felt  a  strong  desire  to  become  more  intimately 
acquainted  with  a  person  of  so  much  importance. 
Expressing  a  desire  to  that  effect  one  day  in  presence 
of  a  young  friend  who  wore  a  set  of  gold  stars  on 
the  front  entrance  of  his  shirt,  and  had  a  star  breast 
pin,  with  the  number  67  on  it,  he  informed  me  that 
he  knew  the  residence  of  the  omnipresent  Samuel, 
and  that,  if  I  desired,  he  would  put  me  in  the  way 
to  gain  the  like  knowledge. 

I  snapped  at  his  offer,  and  he  told  me  to  be  at  the 
foot  of  the  Grand  street  Liberty-pole  at  2  o'clock  in 
the  morning,  singing  "  Hail  Columbia,"  the  "  Star 
Spangled  Banner,"  and  "  Yankee  Doodle,"  in  alter 
nate  verses.  That  I  must  have  a  copy  of  the  consti- 


24:2  DOESTICKS. 

tution  in  my  coat  pocket,  that  at  intervals  I  was  to 
sing  out  "  Yankee,"  and  that  when  an  individual 
replied  "  Doodle"  I  was  to  take  him  by  the  arm  and 
go  whither  he  should  lead. 

Bull  Dogge  accompanied  me  and  we  followed  our 
directions  to  a  dot. 

After  standing  in  the  cold  till  our  jaws  rattled  like 
a  dice-box,  a  person  in  a  long  cloak  appeared.  I 
whispered  "  Yankee,"  Shanghae-like  he  responded 
"  Doodle,"  and  arm-in-arm  we  started. 

We  went  through  a  long  series  of  lanes,  alleys, 
stair-cases,  up  ladders,  and  through  cellars,  and  at 
last  came  to  an  out-of-the-way  room  which  we  could 
only  enter  by  climbing  up  a  two-inch  rope  and 
crawling  on  our  hands  and  knees  on  the  roof  about 
half  a  block,  then  letting  ourselves  down  through 
the  garret-window. 

Immediately  on  our  entering  the  room,  I  was 
seized  by  several  men,  blind-folded  by  having  a  red 
liberty-cap  pulled  over  my  eyes,  and  gagged  with 
the  butt-end  of  a  Yankee  flag-staff. 

Soon  a  gruff  voice  pronounced  the  mystic  words, 
"off  with  the  night-cap."  The  cap  was  hastily 
removed,  when  the  same  voice  continued,  "  let  there 
be 


INITIATED.  243 

It  was  undoubtedly  the  intention  to  have  a  bril 
liant  illumination  immediately  follow  this  command, 
that  the  opening  scenes  of  the  initiation  might  be 
grand  and  impressive. 

The  solemnity  of  the  thing  was,  however,  sadly 
interfered  with  by  having  bad  lucifer  matches 
which  would  not  take  fire,  notwithstanding  the 
active  exertions  and  "  curses  not  loud"  but  still 
audible,  of  the  member  who  was  striving  to  ignite 
the  same  by  rubbing  them  on  the  sole  of  his  boot,  in 
which  endeavor  he  broke  them  all  in  two,  and  split 
his  finger  nails  on  the  pegs  in  his  heels. 

After  some  delay,  however,  "  there  was  light," 
and  then  I  discovered  my  situation. 

In  a  long  room,  a  wooden  statue  of  the  Goddess  of 
Liberty,  at  one  end ;  a  picture  of  La  Fayette,  with  a 
cocked  hat  on,  at  the  other ;  a"nd  a  man  in  a  pulpit  in 
the  middle,  dressed  up  to  represent  Washington,  in 
a  revolutionary  uniform,  with  his  hair  powdered, 
and  a  sword  in  his  hand.  As  I  approached  him  he 
gave  me  a  goblin  wink  with  his  left  eye,  shook  his 
fist  at  me  solemnly,  and  began  to  question  me  con 
cerning  my  nativity.  Told  him  I  was  a  full  born 
Yankee,  that  the  sight  of  an  Englishman  makes  me 
mad  and  fighty,  that  I  wanted  to  kick  every  French- 


DOESTICKS. 

man  who  comes  in  my  path,  and  to  trip  up  every 
Dutchman,  and  that  even  the  most  distant  glimpse 
of  an  Irishman  makes  me  sick  at  the  stomach. 

Said  he  thought  I'd  do,  and  told  the  rest  to  put 
me  through  the  sprouts. 

They  wrapped  me  in  an  American  flag,  made  me 
kneel  down  before  the  white  oak  goddess  of  Liberty 
and  solemnly  swear  hatred  to  the  Pope,  the  aboli 
tionists,  and  the  king  of  England,  death  and  destruc 
tion  to  all  foreigners,  and  eternal  fidelity  to  "  Sam  ;" 
that  I  never  wrould  employ  Irishmen,  never  work  for 
an  Irishman,  never  have  my  washing  done  by  an 
Irishwoman,  or  my  shirts  made  of  Irish  linen,  and 
that  when  I  said  the  prayer  in  the  book  for  all  the 
world,  I  should  make  a  special  reservation  of  the 
Irish,  and  insert  a  petition  that  in  the  general  resur 
rection  they  be  overlooked  "  by  particular  desire." 

At  this  juncture  Bull  Dogge  fainted  away,  and 
was  brought  to  by  the  High  Lord  Noodle  throwing 
dirty  water  in  his  face,  and  treading  on  his  corns. 

I  was  then  made  to  stand  upon  my  feet,  hold  up 
my  right  hand,  and  take  a  terrible  swear  to  the 
effect  that  I  would  never  reveal  the  grand  principle 
of  the  order ;  which  is  to  get  trusted  at  the  Irish 
groceries,  and  use  their  liquor  as  long  as  credit  holds 


INSTRUCTED.  245 

out,  in  order  to  drink  up  all  the  Irish  whiskey,  and 
get  it  out  of  the  country  ;  the  supposition  being,  that 
when  the  liquor  is  gone  and  the  potato  rot  has  done 
its  worst,  the  Irish  will  all  perish  for  want  of  nourish 
ment. 

Should  any  survive  this  annihilation  of  their 
national  and  necessary  food,  it  is  proposed  to  organ 
ize  a  company  of  volunteer  Native  Know  Nothing 
Thugs,  who  are  to  circulate  through  the  country  and 
make  an  end  of  the  rest,  and  at  the  same  time  sack 
all  the  nunneries,  burn  all  the  Popish  churches,  and 
finish  up  all  the  Foreign  Catholics. 

I  was  promised  by  the  Ineffable  Noodle,  that  if  I 
did  my  duty  well  I  should  have  the  pleasure  of 
choking  a  dozen  or  two  priests,  burning  a  couple  of 
churches,  and  running  away  with  the  prettiest  nun  I 
could  pick  out. 

Instructions  were  then  given  me  how  to  work 
my  way  into  a  lodge  of  unadulterated  Know  No 
things. 

Every  member  gives  the  pass- word,  at  the  door 
(which  is  "  Whiskey,"  and  "  Lager  Bier,"  on  alter 
nate  months),  walks  to  the  centre  of  the  room,  faces 
the  Most  Illustrious  Ineffable,  puts  the  thumb  of  his 
left  hand  on  the  tip  of  his  nose,  grinds  an  imaginary 


246  DOESTICKS. 

hand  organ  with  the  other,  at  the  same  time  looking 
cross-eyed  at  the  nonsensical  numskull. 

Each  member  is  bound  to  bring  a  bottle  of  Irish 
whiskey  to  every  meeting,  and  drink  it  all  before  he 
goes,  in  order  to  prove  his  devotion  to  the  cause, 
and  his  determination  to  expunge  the  foreign  ele 
ment  from  the  liquid  comforts  of  the  country. 

The  recognition  of  members  in  the  street  is  as 
follows : — One  rolls  his  chew  of  tobacco  into  the 
upper  story  of  his  left  cheek,  at  the  same  time 
motioning  with  his  thumb  over  his  shoulder  towards 
the  nearest  grocery  ;  if  the  other  nods  his  head  and 
starts  towards  the  rum-shop  011  a  run,  the  question 
of  fraternity  is  decided,  and  they  know  each  other 
as  members  of  the  K.  N.  brotherhood. 

Since  my  initiation  I  have  striven  to  live  up  to 
the  principles  of  the  order,  and  have  got  trusted  for 
so  much  Irish  liquor  that  I  have  kept  all  my  friends 
dead  drunk  for  a  month,  and  have  three  times  had 
to  bail  Bull  Dogge  out  of  the  station-house,  whither 
he  had  been  taken  for  being  inebriated  in  the  street, 
and  giving  the  K.  ~N.  signs  to  the  M.  P.,  and  trying 
to  pull  his  star  off,  insisting  that  an  Irishman  has  no 
right  to  wear  the  badge  of  the  order. 

The  intention  is  to  elect  the  next  President,  when 


HOAXED.  217 

there  is  to  be  an  immediate  end  made  of  all  foreign 
ers  ;  they  will  drown  the  Dutchmen  in  Lager  Bier, 
pelt  the  Irish  to  death  with  potatoes,  and  pen  up  all 
the  Frenchmen  in  second-hand  flat-boats,  and  send 
them  over  Xiagara  Falls. 

I  was  expelled  from  the  order  for  eating  Dutch 
"  Sauerkrout"  with  an  oyster  stew,  and  I  am  now  in 
danger  of  losing  my  life,  as  I  hear  that  the  Ineffable 
Noodle  is  on  the  look-out  for  me,  having  two 
revolvers  and  a  bowie-knife  in  his  bosom ;  a  Con- 
greve  rocket  in  his  hat ;  a  six  inch  bomb  in  each 
pocket;  a  large  jack-knife  in  his  pantaloons;  and  a 
Mexican  lasso  round  his  waist. 

P.  S.  I  have  just  discovered  that  I  have  been 
hoaxed — that  the  lodge  into  which  I  was  admitted  is 
not  the  genuine  article,  but  a  spurious  society  who 
take  in  members  under  false  pretences,  by  making 
them  believe  that  this  is  the  society  of  "  Sam." 

The  truth  is,  however,  that  "  Sam"  lives  in  dif 
ferent  quarters,  and  has  a  different  set  of  people 
about  him  ;  and  if  I  can  gain  admission  to  a  lodge  of 
the  pure-bred  K.  X's.,  I  may  then  be  able  to  tell 
something  more  of  the  hidden  mysteries  of  this 
popular  individual. 


XXVIII. 

Infernal 


^jjjp  HAVE  been  the  recipient  of  an  unexpected  favor. 
<2.S&  I  have  been  gratified  by  a  bipedal  compliment, 
and  have  here  publicly  to  acknowledge  the  receipt 
of  a  rare  bird  of  unexampled  dimensions  —  a  Shanghae 
Rooster,  with  double  teeth,  which  has  been  presented 
to  me  by  our  friend,  the  "  Young  JUn." 

When  I  desire  to  speak  of  the  various  beauties  of 
this  feathered  pledge  of  friendship,  language  can't 
come  to  time.  His  legs  rival  the  Grand-street 
liberty-pole,  in  length,  size,  and  symmetry  —  in  fact, 
he  exhibits  rather  a  strong  tendency  to  run  to  legs  ; 
his  plumage  is  variegated  and  generally  shaggy,  and 
his  disposition  courageous  ;  he  has  an  eye  like  a  hen 
hawk,  a  tail  like  the  butt-end  of  a  feather-duster,  and 
a  voice  like  a  rhinoceros  with  the  whooping  cough  ; 


SHAXGHAE.  249 

lie  is  perfect  in  every  point ;  to  combine  in  a  single 
expression,  the  elegance  and  euphony  of  the  ancient 
Latin  tongue,  and  the  expressive  intensity  of  the 
more  modern  Bowery  idiom,  he  is  literally  "  gallus." 

He  is  a  present  from  Burnham,  Professor  No.  1 
of  Henology,  and  such  a  proficient  in  universal 
humbug  that  he  ranks  only  second  to  the  Bridgeport 
Fejee  Prince — Burnham,  who  made  one  fortune  by 
selling  "  pure  bred  "  Shanghae  stock,  and  another  by 
showing  up  the  tricks  of  the  trade,  and  the  mysteries 
of  Roosterdom,  in  a  blue  covered  book,  with  gilt 
edges,  and  who  has  now  left  the  hen  trade,  only 
keeping  on  hand  a  few  chicks,  of  warranted  pure 
blood,  which  he  prescribes  at  high  prices  to  any 
anxious  individuals  who  haven't  yet  had  the  "  hen 
fever  " — (a  popular  epidemic,  price  $1,  can  be  caught 
at  any  book  store). 

How  they  ever  got  my  bird  from  Boston  to  2s"ew 
York,  I  am  uncertain  ;  but  I  have  the  authority  of 
the  engineer  for  stating  that  they  switched  the  loco 
motive  off  on  a  side  track,  and  made  Lini  draw  the 
passenger  train. 

Got  him  home ;  for  fear  he  should  stray  away  in 
the  night,  anchored  him  in  the  barn  yard  to  a  brick 
smoke-house,  with  a  chain  cable.  Was  waked  up 


250  DOESTICKS. 

in  the  morning  by  a  sound  like  an  army  of  tom-cats, 
in  league  with  a  legion  of  amateur  musical  bull-frogs 
— listened — heard  it  again — thought  my  time  had 
come — covered  my  head  up  with  the  bed-clothes — 
was  soon  startled  by  the  sudden  disappearance  of 
the  same — looked  up  and  saw  that  Mr.  Shanghae  had 
poked  his  head  in  at  the  third  story  window,  and 
was  pulling  the  covers  off  me  with  a  vengeance ;  he 
made  a  grab  at  my  leg,  but  I  hit  him  with  a  boot 
jack,  and  succeeded  in  impressing  him  with  the  idea 
that  he  was  trespassing;  kept  out  of  his  reach  during 
the  day,  and  watched  him  from  a  distance ;  he  has 
to  get  down  on  his  knees  to  eat,  inasmuch  as  his  neck 
isn't  more  than  half  as  long  as  his  legs.  But  I  ad 
mire  his  beauties,  though  I  can't  conceive  what  he's 
made  for ;  and  I  can  bear  ample  testimony  to  the 
excellence  of  his  appetite.  On  the  whole,  I  am 
delighted,  and  the  donor  has  my  sincere  thanks. 

ONE  WEEK  LATEK. 

What  kind  of  a  fellow  is  Burnham  ? 

Is  he  a  malicious,  unscrupulous  conspirator  ? 

"What  can  I  have  done  to  provoke  his  ire? 

This  voracious  animal  which  he  has  given  me  is 
eating  me  out  of  house  and  home ;  my  means  are 
limited,  my  salary  is  small,  corn  is  expensive,  and  at 


IN    TRIBULATION.  251 

the  present  rate  one  of  us  must  starve  ;  he  has  eaten 
every  thing  I  have  given  him,  and  (the  poor  brute 
being  tortured  by  growing  hunger)  he  has  at  last 
actually  devoured  his  own  toes. 

Two  small  pigs  and  a  litter  of  kittens  have  also 
mysteriously  disappeared ;  one  of  the  children  last 
night  was  attacked  by  the  monster  and  barely 
escaped  with  his  life,  but  left  his  Sunday  breeches 
in  the  unappeasable  maw  of  the  pure  bred  biped, 
who  has  twice  been  observed  to  cast  longing  eyes 
upon  the  Irish  kitchen  girl — the  caunibalic  feathered 
Know  Nothing. 

Like  the  eastern  prince,  who,  when  he  wants  to 
ruin  a  man,  makes  him  a  present  of  an  elephant, 
which  court  etiquette  will  allow  him  neither  to  give 
away,  sell,  or  kill,  and  which  he  must  keep  and  allow 
to  devour  his  patrimony ;  so  the  vengeful  Burnham, 
for  some  umnentioned  injury  which  I  have  done 
him,  has  sent  me  this  rapacious  villain,  who  eats  as 
if  he  was  the  result  of  a  cross  between  the  Anaconda 
and  the  Ostrich.  I  must  get  some  one  to  kill  him, 
or  coax  him  into  the  rural  districts,  where  they  might 
use  him  for  a  breaking-up  team,  or  some  two  or 
three  counties  club  to  keep  him  as  a  curiosity. 


252  DOESTICKS. 

ONE  HOUR  LATER. 

Our  stable  boy,  half  an  hour  ago,  found  the  bird 
suffering  an  indigestion  (consequent  upon  eating  a 
bushel  and  a  half  of  corn  with  the  cobs  in,  a  pyramid 
of  oyster  shells,  and  a  barrel  of  guano),  and  boldly 
attacking  him  with  a  revolver  and  broad-axe,  has 
succeeded,  after  a  prolonged  struggle,  in  making  an 
end  of  him.  I  ask  B.  if  his  fiendish  and  diabolical 
malice  is  sated. 

THE  VERY  LATEST. 

I  have  for  sale  half  a  ton  of  feathers,  which  would 
make  capital  bean  poles,  a  side  of  tanned  Eooster 
hide,  and  two  Shanghae  hams. 


XXIX. 

(toening  toitjr   tire    S  pivitualists—  g 
(Sbostologir. 


A  FTER  the  election  excitement  was  over  with, 
%£^  all  ordinary  means  of  amusement  seemed 
"  stale,  flat,  and  unprofitable."  I  no  longer  took  any 
interest  in  Theatres,  Balls,  or  Darkey  Minstrelism  — 
and  even  a  fire  at  midnight  failed  to  rouse  me  from 
my  bed,  unless  it  was  in  the  next  block,  visible  from 
my  window  without  getting  up,  and  I  could  hear 
Hose  71  pitching  into  Engine  S3  on  the  next  corner. 

A  near  relative  of  the  illustrious  Damphool,  who 
believed  in  the  Spiritual  performances,  persuaded 
me  to  visit,  with  him  and  my  inseparable  friends, 
the  habitation  of  a  "  Medium  "  who  retailed  com 
munications  from  the  other  spheres  at  twenty-live 
cents  an  interview. 

Being  sated  with  the  ordinary  common  -place 
things  of  every-day  life,  and  having  heard  a  great 
11 


254:  DOE  STICKS. 

deal  about  the  mysterious  communications  tele 
graphed  to  this,  our  ignorant  sphere,  by  wise  and 
benignant  spirits  of  bliss,  through  the  dignified 
medium  of  old  chairs,  wash-stands  and  card-tables, 
we  three  (who  had  met  again)  determined  to  put 
ourselves  in  communication  with  the  next  world,  to 
find  out,  if  possible,  our  chances  of  a  favorable  recep 
tion  when  business  or  pleasure  calls  us  in  that  direc 
tion. 

Up  Broadway,  till  we  came  to  an  illuminated 
three-cornered  transparency,  ( which  made  Bull 
Dogge  smack  his  lips  and  say  "  oysters,")  which 
informed  us  that  within,  a  large  assortment  of  spirits 
of  every  description  were  constantly  in  attendance, 
ready  to  answer  inquiries,  or  to  run  on  errands  in  the 
spirit  world,  and  bring  the  ghosts  of  anybody's 
defunct  relations  or  friends  to  that  classic  spot,  for 
conversational  purposes,  all  for  the  moderate  charge 
before  mentioned. 

Dampliool,  who  had  been  there  before,  said  that 
these  "  delicate  Ariels  "  were  the  spirits  of  departed 
newsboys,  who  are  thrown  out  of  their  legitimate 
business,  and  strive  to  get  an  honest  living  by  doing 
these  eigh teen-penny  jobs. 

Entered  the  room  with  incoming  gravity,  and  over- 


AND     THE     <k  M  E  D  I  U  M  ."  255 

coming  awe.  Two  old  foozles  in  white  neckcloths 
and  no  collars,  a  returned  Californian  in  an  Indian 
blanket,  two  peaked-nosed  old  maids,  a  good-looking 
widow,  with  a  little  boy,  our  own  sacred  trio,  and 
the  "  medium,"  composed  the  whole  of  the  assembled 
multitude. 

The  "  medium  "  aforesaid,  was  a  vinegar-complex- 
ioned  woman,  with  a  very  ruby  nose,  mouth  the 
exact  shape  of  the  sound-hole  to  a  violin,  who  wore 
green  spectacles,  and  robes  of  equivocal  purity. 

The  furniture  consisted  of  several  chairs,  a  mirror, 
no  carpet,  a  small  stand,  a  large  dining  table,  and  in 
one  corner  of  the  room  a  bedstead,  -wash-stand,  and 
bookcase,  with  writing  desk  on  top.  After  some 
remarks  by  the  medium,  we  formed  the  magic  circle, 
by  sitting  close  together,  and  putting  our  hands  on 
the  table.  Bull  Dogge,  who,  despite  the  Maine  law, 
had  a  bottle  in  his  pocket,  took  a  big  drink  before 
he  laid  his  ponderous  fists  by  the  side  of  the  others. 

After  a  short  length  of  time  the  table  began  to 
shake  its  ricketty  legs,  to  flap  its  leaves  after  the 
manner  of  wings,  and  to  utter  ominous  squeaks  from 
its  crazy  old  joints. 

Pretty  soon  "  knock"  under  Damphool's  hand  ;  he 
trembled,  and  turned  pale,  but  on  the  whole,  stood 


256  .        DOESTICKS. 

his  ground  like  a  man.  Knock,  knock  in  my  imme 
diate  vicinity — looked  under  the  table,  but  couldn't 
see  any  body — knock,  knock,  KNOCK,  KNOCK,  direct 
ly  under  Bull  Dogge's  elbow.  He,  frightened, 
jumped  from  his  seat,  and  prepared  to  run,  but,  sen 
sible  to  the  last,  he  took  a  drink,  felt  better — reve 
rently  took  off  his  hat,  said  "  d — n  it" — and  resumed 
his  seat. 

Knocking  became  general — medium  said  the 
spirits  were  ready  to  answer  questions — asked  if  any 
spirit  would  talk  to  me. 

Yes. 

Come  along,  I  remarked — noisy  spirit  announced 
its  advent  by  a  series  of  knocks,  which  would  have 
done  honor  to  a  dozen  penny  postmen  "  rolled  into 
one." 

Asked  who  it  was — ghost  of  my  uncle — (never 
had  an  uncle) — inquired  if  he  was  happy — tolerably. 

What  are  you  about? 

Principal  occupations  are,  hunting  wild  bees, 
catching  cat-fish,  chopping  pine  lumber,  and  making 
hickory  whip  stocks. 

How's  your  wife  ? 

Sober,  just  at  present. 

Do  you  have  good  liquor  up  there  ? 


COMMUNES     WITH     THE     SPIRITS.       257 

Yes  (very  emphatically). 

What  is  your  comparative  situation  ? 

I  ana  in  the  second  sphere  ;  hope  soon  to  get  pro 
moted  into  the  third,  where  they  only  work  six  hours 
a  day,  and  have  apple  dumplings  every  day  for  din 
ner — good-bye — wife  wants  'me  to  come  and  spank 
the  baby. 

One  of  the  old  foozles  now  wanted  to  talk  spirit 
— was  gratified  by  the  remains  of  his  maternal 
•grandmother,  who  hammered  out  in  a  series  of  for 
cible  raps,  the  gratifying  intelligence,  that  she  was 
very  well  contented,  and  spent  the  most  of  her  time 
drinking  green  tea  and  singing  Yankee  Doodle. 

Damphool  now  took  courage,  and  sung  out  for  his 
father  to  come  and  talk  to  him — (when  the  old  gen 
tleman  was  alive,  he  was  "  one  of  'em)" — on  demand, 
the  father  came — interesting  conversation — old  man 
in  trouble — lost  all  his  money  betting  on  a  horse 
race,  and  had  just  pawned  his  coat  and  a  spare  shirt 
to  get  money  to  set  himself  up  in  business  again,  as 
a  pop-corn  merchant. 

(Damphool  sunk  down  exhausted,  and  borrowed 
the  brandy  bottle.) 

Disconsolate  widow  got  a  communication  from  her 
husband  that  he  is  a  great  deal  happier  now  than 


258  DOESTICKS. 

formerly — don't  want  to  come  back  to  her — no  thank 
you — would  rather  not. 

Old  maid  inquires  if  husbands  are  plenty — to  her 
great  joy  is  informed  that  the  prospect  is  good. 

Little  boy  asks  if  when  he  gets  into  the  other 
world  he  can  have  a  long  tail  coat — mother  tells  him 
to  shut  up — small  boy  whimpers,  and  says  that  he 
always  has  worn  a  short  jacket,  and  he  expects  when 
he  gets  to  Heaven,  he'll  be  a  bob-tail  Angel. 

Damphool's  attention  to  the  bottle  has  re-assured 
his  spirits  (he  is  easily  affected  by  brandy — one  glass 
makes  him  want  to  treat  all  his  friends — when  he  has 
two  bumpers  in  him  he  owns  a  great  deal  of  real 
estate,  and  glass  "No.  3  makes  him  rich  enough  to 
buy  the  Custom-llouse),  and  he  now  ventures  another 
inquiry  of  his  relative,  who  shuts  him  up,  by  telling 
him  as  soon  as  he  gets  sober  enough  to  tell  Maiden 
Lane  from  a  light-house,  to  go  home  and  go  to  bed. 

Went  at  it  myself;  inquired  all  sorts  of  things 
from  all  kinds  of  spirits,  "  black  spirits  and  white, 
red  spirits  and  grey."  Result  as  follows. 

By  means  of  thumps,  knocks,  raps,  and  spiritual 
kicks,  I  learned  that  Sampson  and  Hercules  have 
gone  into  partnership  in  the  millinery  business.  Ju 
lias  Osesar  is  peddling  apples  and  molasses  candy. 


GETS     IX  FORMATION.  259 

Tom  Paine  and  Jack  Sheppard  keep  a  billiard  table. 
Xoah  is  running  a  canal  boat.  Xerxes  and  Othello 
are  driving  opposition  stages.  George  TTL  has  set 
up  a  caravan,  and  is  waiting  impatiently  for  Kossuth 
and  Barnum  to  come  and  go  halves.  Dow,  Junior, 
is  boss  of  a  Methodist  camp  meeting. — Napoleon 
spends  most  of  his  time  playing  penny  "  ante"  with 
the  three  Graces.  Benedict  Arnold  has  opened  a 
Lager-bier  saloon,  and  left  a  vacancy  for  S.  A.  Doug 
las  (white  man). 

John  Bunyan  is  a  clown  in  a  circus.  John  Calvin, 
Dr.  Johnson,  Syksey,  Plutarch,  Rob  Roy,  Davy 
Jones,  Gen.  Jackson,  and  Damphool's  grandfather 
were  about  establishing  a  travelling  theatre  ;  having 
borrowed  the  capital  (two  per  cent,  a  month) — they 
open  with  "  How  to  pay  the  Rent ;"  Dr.  Johnson 
in  a  fancy  dance  ;  to  conclude  with  "  The  "Widow's 
Victim,"  the  principal  part  by  Mr.  Pickwick. 

Joe  Smith  has  bought  out  the  devil,  and  is  going 
to  convert  Tophet  into  a  Mormon  Paradise. 

Shakspeare  has  progressed  in  his  new  play  as  far 
as  the  fourth  act,  where  he  has  got  the  hero  seven 
miles  and  a  half  up  in  a  balloon,  while  the  disconso 
late  heroine  is  hanging  by  her  hair  to  a  limb  over  a 
precipice ;  question  is,  how  the  heroic  lover  shall 


260  DOE  STICKS. 

get  down  and  rescue  his  lady-love  before  her  hair 
breaks,  or  her  head  pulls  off. 

Spirits  now  began  to  come  without  invitation,  like 
Paddies  to  a  wake. 

Soul  of  an  alderman  called  for  clam  soup  and 
bread  and  butter. 

Ghost  of  a  newsboy  sung  out  for  the  Evening 
Post. 

'  All  that  was  left  of  a  Bowery  fireman,  wanted  to 
know  if  Forty  had  got  her  butt  fixed  and  a  new  inch 
and  a  half  nozzle. 

Ghost  of  Marmion  wanted  a  dish  of  soft  crabs,  and 
called  out,  after  the  old  fashion,  to  charge  it  to 
Stanley. 

Medium  had  by  this  time  lost  all  control  over  her 
ghostly  company. 

Spirits  of  waiters,  soldiers,  tailors  (Damphool 
trembled),  babies,  saloon-keepers,  dancers,  actors, 
widows,  circus-riders,  in  fact  all  varieties  of  obstre 
perous  sprites,  began  to  play  the  devil  with  things 
generally. 

The  dining  table  jumped  up,  turned  two  somer 
sets,  and  landed  writh  one  leg  in  the  widow's  lap,  one 
in  Damphool's  mouth,  and  the  other  two  on  the  toes 
of  the  sanctimonious-looking  individuals  opposite. 


LEAVES      THE      SPIRIT.  261 

The  waslistand  exhibited  strong  symptoms  of  a 
desire  to  dance  the  Jenny  Lind  polka  on  Bull- 
Dogge's  head. 

The  book-case  beat  time  with  extraordinary  vigor, 
and  made  faces  at  the  company  generally. 

Our  walking  canes  and  umbrellas  promenaded 
round  the  room  in  couples,  without  the  slightest  re 
gard  to  corns  or  other  pedal  vegetables  ;  while  the 
bedstead  in  the  corner  was  extemporizing  a  comic 
song,  with  a  vigorous  accompaniment  on  the  soap- 
dish,  the  wash-dish,  and  other  bed-room,  furniture. 

Bull  Dogge  here  made  a  rush  for  the  door,  and 
dashed  wildly  down  Broadway,  pursued,  as  he 
avers  to  this  day,  by  the  spirit  of  an  Irishman,  with 
a  pickaxe,  a  handsaw,  and  a  ghostly  wheelbarrow. 

Concluding  I  had  seen  enough,  I  took  Damphool 

and  B.  D "s  bottle  (empty,  or  he  would  never 

have  left  it),  and  went  home,  satisfied  that  "  there 
are  more  things  in  heaven  and  earth  than  are  dream 
ed  of,"  except  by  lying  "mediums"  so  called;  who 
too  lazy  to  work,  and  too  cowardly  to  get  an  honor 
able  living  by  stealing,  adopt  this  method  to  sponge 
their  bread  and  butter  out  of  those,  whom  God  in 
his  mysterious  wisdom  has  seen  fit  to  send  on  earth 

weak  enough  to  believe  their  idiotic  ravings* 
11* 


XXX. 


torn  §0g  garato* 

" 


S  REGRET  tlie  strong  language  used  in  the  pre 
ceding  chapter,  for  since  it  was  penned  I  have 
become  a  firm  believer  in  ghosts,  "  spheres,"  salta 
tory  furniture,  and  the  other  doctrines  of  professed 
Spiritualists. 

It  is  a  solemn  truth  that  I,  Q.  K.  Philander  Doe- 
sticks,  P.  B.,  although  neither  a  doctor,  clergyman, 
nor  Judge  of  the  Supreme  Court,  have  received  a 
visit  from  the  spirits.  The  secrets  of  the  other  world 
have  been  partially  revealed  to  me. 

I  have  had  a  glimpse  of  horse-heaven  —  a  very  fair 
view  of  the  very  blissful  residence  of  pigs  and  poul 
try,  and  been  vouchsafed  a  key-hole  peep  at  the 
paradise  of  Spiritual  Jackassdom. 

I  have  discovered  that  Esop  is  a  reliable  historian, 


DOG     SPEAKS     TO     HIM.  263 

and  I  find  that  in  a  future  world  the  power  and 
liberty  of  quadrupedal  speech  will  be  restored  in  all 
its  pristine  euphony  and  elegance.  Listen,  wonder, 
and  believe! 

Some  time  since,  I  had  a  beloved  and  beautiful 
bull-terrier — (not  the  Bull-Dogge  alluded  to  in  other 
epistles,)  he  was  perfect  in  every  point — his  hair 
stuck  out  in  multitudinous  directions — his  snarl  was 
of  the  Grossest — his  teeth  of  the  sharpest,  and  his 
ordinary  behavior  exhibited  a  general  and  impartial 
hatred  of  mankind.  He  was  a  canine  Ishmael,  for 
every  man's  hand  was  against  him.  His  cognomen 
savored  of  the  satanic.  I  called  him  Pluto. 

He  mysteriously  disappeared — an  offered  reward 
of  seven  dollars  and  a  half  failed  to  restore  him  to 
my  fireside.  I  tearfully  gave  him  up,  and  mourned 
sincerely.  I  suspected  the  dog-killers,  and  wept  for 
him  as  for  one  gone  "  to  that  bourne  from  which  " 
bull-terriers  don't  come  back. 

Last  evening  I  was  aroused  from  a  thoughtful 
contemplation  of  my  nightcap  (liquid  and  hot,  with 
nutmeg,)  by  the  unusual  and  remarkable  conduct  of 
a  pet  tom-cat,  who  deliberately  climbed  upon  my 
lap,  and,  in  a  voice  intelligible,  if  not  absolutely 
musical,  spoke  to  me — positively  spoke  to  me ! — he 


264:  DOE  STICKS. 

informed  me  that  various  spirits  were  present  who 
desired  to  hold  communication  with  me. 

Having  recovered  somewhat  from  my  momentary 
astonishment,  I  sung  out  to  fire  away. 

No  sooner  said  than  done — the  services  of  the 
feline  "  medium  "  were  instantly  dispensed  with,  and 
there  suddenly  appeared  to  my  bewildered  sight  the 
unmistakable  form  of  my  lamented  Pluto. 

I  was  astonished,  and  so  I  said,  but  I  could  not  be 
deluded — it  was  my  "  real,  old,  original,  genuine " 
Pluto.  I  knew  his  warning  growl — I  recognized  the 
friendly  wag  of  his  tail — I  could  have  sworn  to  each 
particular  hair. 

He  addressed  me  in  a  voice  trembling  with  emo 
tion — he  narrated  the  full  history  of  his  untimely 
decease — told  of  his  seduction  by  a  tempting  mutton 
chop,  and  consequent  adduction  by  the  remorseless 
thief — his  vain  and  ineffectual  struggles  to  escape — 
related  his  incarceration  in  an  unseaworthy  canal- 
boat,  with  a  hundred  other  unfortunates — described 
their  embarkation  and  departure  for  a  foreign  mar 
ket — the  terrific  collision  which  ensued  when  about 
four  miles  and  a  half  from  port,  when  the  canal-boat 
was  met  by  a  mudscow  which  was  recklessly  running 
with  great  velocity  in  a  thick  fog,  the  entire  force 


HEAKS     HIS     WRONGS.  265 

of  her  propelling  apparatus  (one-horse  power)  being 
brought  into  requisition  to  attain  a  frightful  speed — • 
he  dwelt  upon  the  terrors  of  the  scene — the  dastardly 
desertion  of  the  crew,  (a  mulatto  woman  and  two 
coffee-colored  boys,)  who  took  to  the  boat,  (a  bass- 
wood  "  dugout,")  and  escaped,  leaving  the  helpless 
passengers  to  their  awful  fate.  He  told  the  agonies 
he  endured  when  submerged  in  the  raging  flood  — 
his  attempt  to  save  himself  upon  an  empty  cheese- 
tub.  How  he  was  crowded  off  by  a  frightened 
spaniel  pup — the  last  excruciating,  agonizing  pain  of 
the  final  struggle,  and  his  subsequent  entrance  to  the 
canine  spirit  world.  He  whispered,  in  a  mysterious 
tone,  that  he  had  just  come  from  a  sixpenny  eating- 
house,  where  he  had  witnessed  the  final  disappear 
ance  of  his  mortal  remains  through  the  jaws  of  a 
confiding  drayman  who  had  asked  for  a  mutton  pie. 
The  whole  history  was  related  with  an  appearance 
of  earnestness  and  sincerity  which  left  not  a  doubt 
of  its  truth ;  and  the  entire  narrative  was  couched 
in  such  elegant  language  that  I  strongly  suspected 
that  Pluto  had  read  the  report  of  those  accommo 
dating  spirits  who  had  imparted  such  reliable  infor 
mation  concerning  the  untimely  loss  of  the  lamented 
steamship  "  Arctic,"  to  a  distinguished,  and  formerly- 


266  DOESTICKS. 

supposed-sensible-and-sane,  Judge  of  the  Superior 
Court  for  the  Empire  State.  And,  like  those  unfor 
tunate  ghosts,  these,  too,  came  to  reveal  to  mortal 
ears  the  story  of  their  sufferings  and  death. 

For  my  beloved  animal  was  not  alone :  with  him 
appeared  the  disembodied  ghosts  of  all  the  crowd 
who  perished  with  him. 

Pluto  informed  me  that  they  were  in  such  a  dis 
turbed  state  of  mind  that  they  did  not  know  much 
yet — most  of  them  were  not  permanently  billeted — 
but  that  he  himself,  on  account  of  his  superior 
sagacity,  had  been  already  assigned  his  sphere  and 
situation.  He  volunteered  to  show  me  some  of  the 
celebrities. 

"With  a  majestic  motion  he  moved  his  pathetic 
tail,  and  forth  they  came  in  grand  procession,  the 
"  Happy  Family "  being  headed  by  old  Mother 
Hub  bard's  dog  and  Dick  Whittington's  cat,  in 
neighborly  proximity. 

From  a  hurried  inspection  I  was  enabled  to  gather 
the  following  items:  The  Trojan  horse  was  suffering 
from  indigestion  ;  Coleridge's  "  mastiff  bitch  "  has 
just  become  the  happy  mother  of  thirteen  lovely 
cherubs,  and  is  "  as  well  as  can  be  expected  ;"  "  the 
rat  that  eat  the  malt  that  lay  in  the  house  that 


STILL     LISTENS.  267 

Jack  built "  says  the  Maine  Law  would  have  spared 
him  that  early  indiscretion ;  Balaam's  ass  had  his 
jaw  tied  up  with  the  toothache;  Rozinante  was  in 
good  racing  condition;  St.  George's  dragon  looks 
much  more  amiable  than  I  should  have  supposed ; 
Bucephalus  and  Old  Whitey  had  been  fighting  a 
pitched  battle,  and  are  on  short  allowance  of  oats 
for  insubordination ;  the  Fee  Jee  mermaid  said  she 
had  got  tired  of  her  Caudal  appendage,  and  desired 
me  to  ask  Barnum,  if  her  tail  must  be  continued. 

Jonah's  whale,  some  time  since,  swallowed  the 
Xassau-st.  four-cent  man,  but  gave  him  up,  like  a 
second  Jonah,  and  he  is  now  on  his  old  "  stamping- 
ground  "  again.  In  the  distance,  I  perceived  John 
Gilpin's  horse,  and  the  bull  that  was  unceremoniously 
displaced  from  a  well  known  architectural  elevation, 
and  was  informed  that  Nebuchadnezzar,  who  had 
not  yet  lost  his  fondness  for  greens,  sometimes  shares 
their  pasture  with  them. 

The  Black  Swan,  the  Swan  of  Avon,  and  the 
patriotic  geese  whose  intellectual  cackling  saved 
Imperial  Koine,  were  enjoying  themselves  in  catching 
tadpoles  in  a  duck-pond. 

AV alter  Scott's  dog  Maida,  Beth  Gelert,  Launce's 
dog,  old  dog  Tray,  and  the  other  "  Tray,  Blanche, 


268  DOES  TICKS. 

and  Sweet-heart,"  were   discussing   canine   politics 
over  a  beef-bone. 

The  Sea  Serpent  appeared,  but  was  so  dimly  visible 
that  I  could  only  judge  him  to  be  about  the  average 
length. 

Edgar  A.  Poe's  Raven  and  Barnaby  Rudge's  Grip 
had  just  been  detected  stealing  corn  from  a  quail- 
trap,  and  hiding  it  in  an  empty  powder-horn. 

Many  other  birds  of  note  were  pointed  out,  and 
their  situation  and  prospects  explained  by  the  oblig 
ing  Pluto. 

And,  even  as  one  of  our  most  learned,  wise  and 
illustrious  rulers,  and  his  brother  Rapperites,  have 
demonstrated  that  the  spirits  of  the  departed  are 
busied  in  employments  similar  to  their  earthly  ones, 
so  did  my  reliable  Pluto  state  similar  facts  concerning 
the  honorable  company  of  beasts,  birds,  and  reptiles. 
His  discourse  ran  much  as  follows : 

"Know,  men  of  earth,  that  shadowy  horses  still 
throng  your  streets,  harnessed  to  intangible  drays, 
and  to  incorporeal  express  wagons,  and  still  tailfully 
drag  innumerable  three-cent  stages ;  they  still  live  in 
your  stables,  graze  in  your  pastures,  and  drink  at 
your  pumps ;  drivers,  malignant,  though  unseen,  still 
lash  their  unreal  sides  with  cutting  whips,  until  they 


SPEAKS     OF     HIS     DISCOURSE.  269 

become  overcome  with  ire,  and  viciously  kick  over 
their  spectral  traces ;  defunct  raceus  still  haunt  the 
scenes  of  their  former  triumphs,  skim  with  feet 
unshod  round  the  inside  track,  and  scornfully  turn 
up  their  goblin  noses  at  the  fastest  earthly  time  on 
record  ;  transparent  donkeys  wag  complacently  their 
celestial  ears,  and  brush  off  airy  flies  with  unsub 
stantial  tails. 

"  Swine,  full  grown,  although  unseen,  proud  as  in 
life,  ferociously  prowl  about  your  streets,  seeking 
what  they  may  devour,  and  expressing  with  inaudible 
grunts  their  Paradisiac  satisfaction ;  bodiless  pigs 
squeal  under  formless  gates ;  'dogs  still  follow,  with 
unheard  tread,  their  dreamy  masters,  wagging  their 
placid  phantom  tails,  or  searching  through  their 
shaggy  hides,  with  savage  teeth,  for  spiritual  fleas. 

"  Polecats,  invisible,  still  haunt  your  barns,  search 
ing  for  airy  chickens,  finding  ghostly  eggs  in  unheard 
of  nests — then  stealing  and  giving  odor  in  your 
cellars;  apparitions  of  departed  cats  hunt  pulseless 
mice,  and  in  your  parlors,  phantom  kittens  chase 
their  goblin  tails.  Henceforth,  let  every  man  take 
heed,  lest,  in  pulling  off  his  boots,  he  kick  his  dear 
departed  Carlo ;  and  let  every  maiden  lady  bestow 
herself  in  her  favorite  rocking-chair,  in  awe  and 


270  DOES  TICKS. 

perturbation,  lest  the  cushion  be  already  occupied 
by  defunct  Tabby  and  her  spectral  litter." 

When  my  darling  Pluto  had  spoken  thus,  the 
company  began  to  disappear.  A  mist  seemed  gra 
dually  to  envelope  all,  and  one  by  one  they  faded 
from  my  mortal  vision,  and  soon  all  save  Pluto  had 
vanished  from  my  sight.  lie  only  remained,  to  give 
me  one  last  assurance  that  the  creed  of  the  well 
known  Indian  mentioned  by  Mr.  Pope,  is  true — 
who  firmly  believes  that  in  the  happy  hunting 
ground  hereafter, 

"  His  faithful  dog  shall  bear  him  company." 


XXXI. 


gat—  "  |JaWf  icrsus  «  Sam." 


knows  that  Election  day  any- 
where  creates  an  unusual  excitement  ;  but  it  is 
in  the  large  cities  where  partisan  feeling  runs  the 
highest,  where  strongest  and  strangest  influences  are 
brought  into  requisition  to  influence  the  election  *>f 
favorite  candidates  ;  where  the  people  are  made  to 
act  as  blind  confederates  in  a  skilful  scheme  of  party 
trickery  and  political  legerdemain,  which  places  one 
man  into  office,  and  defeats  the  expectations  of 
another,  whom  they  fully  expected  to  see  invested 
with  the  imaginary  robes  of  municipal  power.  So 
dexterously  are  the  cups  and  balls  shifted  by  the 
party  leaders,  and  so  cunningly  is  the  pack  shuffled, 
that  the  rank  and  file  of  the  different  cliques  can't 
tell  where  the  "  little  joker"  is,  or  who  holds  the 
trump  card,  for  an  hour  together. 

The  first  election  witnessed  by  the  undersigned, 


272  DOE  STICKS. 

was  one  of  unusual  interest,  principally  on  account  of 
the  intense  antagonism  of  the  foreign  and  the  know- 
nothing  elements  of  party,  and  the  tremendous  ex 
ertions  of  "/Sbm"  to  overthrow  his  great  rivals, 
"Paddy"  scA" Hans" 

Early  in  the  morning  of  the  day  I  was  in  the 
street,  to  see  whatever  fun  might  turn  up — found  it 
filled  with  big  placards,  posters,  music,  notices,  split- 
tickets,  rum-bullies,  banners,  bonfires,  and  lager- 
bier—saw  a  great  many  flags  with  appropriate 
devices,  noticed  one  in  particular;  the  whiskey 
faction  had  it ;  coat  of  arms  as  follows : 

*Within  the  American  shield,  two  lager-bier  casks 
supporting  a  rum-bottle  rampant,  Irishman  azure, 
flat-on-his-back-ant,  sustained  by  a  wheelbarrow 
couchant — sinister  eye  sable  in-base,  demijohn  be 
tween  two  small  decanters — in  the  distance,  police 
man  pendant,  from  a  lamp-post  standant — motto, 
"  Coming  events  cast  their  shadows  before :  Let  the 
M.  P.'s  beware."  On  the  obverse,  ticket  for  city 
officers,  and  opposed  an  American  quarter  dollar — • 
motto,  "  Exchange  no  Bribery."  "Faugh  na  Ballagh.'' 
"  Go  in  and  win." 

As  has  ever  been  the  case,  from  the  time  of  the 
first  institution  of  public  elections,  it  rained  as  if  it 


INVESTIGATES.  273 

was  raining  on  a  bet — went  to  the  polls,  wanted  to 
vote,  wasn't  particular  who  for,  if  he  only  had  the 
biggest  flags  and  the  most  bullies  :  was  a  little 
puzzled  after  all  how  to  do  it;  had  read  all  the 
political  prints  to  find  out  the  best  man,  but  to  judge 
from  what  the  newspapers  say  concerning  the  differ 
ent  candidates,  the  various  factions  in  this  city  en 
tertain  peculiar  ideas  about  the  requisites  necessary 
to  qualify  a  man  to  fill  a  public  station. 

Kot  an  individual  is  ever  nominated  for  any  office, 
who  is  not  eulogized  by  some  of  the  public  journals, 
as  a  drunkard,  liar,  swindler,  incendiary,  assassin,  or 
public  robber. 

Assuming  from  the  wonderful  unanimity  of  the 
papers  on  this  subject,  that  these  amiable  qualities 
constitute  the  fitness  of  the  nominees  for  places  of 
honor,  trust,  or  profit,  I  have  endeavored  to  ana 
lyze  the  gradations  of  criminal  merit,  and  discover 
exactly  how  big  a  rascal  a  man  must  be  to  qualify 
himself  for  any  given  office.  The  result  of  my 
investigation  is  as  follows : — 

!N"o  one  is  eligible  to  the  office  of  Mayor  of  the 
city,  unless  he  has  forged  a  draft,  and  got  the 
money  on  it ;  and,  on  at  least  two  separate  occa 
sions,  set  fire  to  his  house,  to  get  the  insurance. 


274:  DOES  TICKS. 

Candidates  for  Aldermen  qualify  themselves  by 
carrying  a  revolver,  getting  beastly  drunk,  and  stab 
bing  a  policeman  or  two  before  they  can  get 
sober. 

A  Common  Councilman  must  drink  with  the 
Short  Boys,  give  prizes  to  the  Firemen's  Target  Ex 
cursion,  carry  a  slung-shot  in  his  pocket,  and  have  a 
personal  interest  in  a  Peter  Funk  auction  shop. 

A  police  Justice  must  gamble  a  little,  cheat  a  con 
siderable,  lie  a  good  deal,  and  get  drunk  "  clear 
through  "  every  Saturday  night ;  if  he  can  read  easy 
words,  and  write  his  name,  it  is  generally  no  serious 
objection  ;  but  the  Know  Nothings  will  not  permit 
even  this  accomplishment,  on  the  plea  that  the  science 
of  letters  is  of  foreign  origin. 

A  man  who  can  pick  pockets  scientifically,  will 
make  a  good  constable. 

Aspirants  to  minor  offices  are  classified  according 
to  desert,  but  no  one  who  has  not  at  least  committed 
petit  larceny,  is  allowed  a  place  on  any  regular 
ticket. 

As  to  offices  of  more  importance,  I  should  say 
from  what  I  can  now  judge,  that  no  man  can  ever 
be  elected  Governor  of  the  State,  unless  he  is  guilty 


SPEAKS  OF  THE  CANDIDATES.    275 

of  a  successful  burglary,  complicated  with  a  mid 
night  murder. 

The  rival  candidates  in  this  present  crisis,  had 
called  each  other  all  the  names,  and  accused  each 
other  of  all  the  crimes  imaginable,  for  the  preced 
ing  six  weeks. 

Boggs  had  been  denounced  as  the  plunderer  of 
orphans,  and  seducer  of  innocent  maidens,  and  the 
pilferer  of  hard-earned  coppers  from  the  poor. 

Xoggs,  according  to  his  charitable  opponents,  was 
a  pickpocket,  a  sheepstealer,  a  Peter  Funk,  and  an 
Irishman. 

The  candidate  set  up  by  the  Know  Nothings,  to 
claim  votes  on  the  plea  of  his  being  an  immaculate 
American,  was  proved  to  be  the  child  of  a  French 
father,  and  a  Prussian  mother,  and  to  have  been 
born  in  Calcutta — it  was  asserted  that  he  commenced 
his  education  in  the  northern  part  of  Ethiopia,  con 
tinued  it  in  Dublin,  and  finally  graduated  at 
Botany  Bay. 

Hoggs,  who  had  once  before  held  the  office  he 
was  now  striving  for,  it  was  asserted,  had  solemnly 
promised  to  pardon  all  the  murderers,  liberate  all 
the  burglars,  reward  all  the  assassins,  and  present 


276  DOE  STICKS. 

all  the  shoulder  hitters  with  an  official  certificate 
of  good  moral  character,  which  should  also  testify 
to  their  valuable  and  highly  commendable  exer 
tions  in  the  public  behalf. 

Scroggs,  too  virtuous  to  be  severely  handled,  was 
merely  mentioned  as  having  been  formerly  a  swin 
dler,  and  a  member  of  the  Common  Council. 

Got  to  the  polls ;  man  with  a  blue  flag  urged  me 
to  go  for  Boggs  ;  man  with  a  red  flag  said  vote  for 
Serous ;  man  with  a  white  flag  with  black  letters 

OO       "  C3 

sung  out  "Go  for  Hoggs" — little  boy  pulled  my 
coat  tails  and  whispered,  "  Yote  for  Noggs." 

Man  challenged  my  vote,  took  off  my  hat,  held 
up  my  hand,  and  swore  to  all  sorts  of  things,  told 
how  old  I  am,  where  I  get  my  dinners,  and  what  my 
washerwoman's  name  is ;  got  mad  and  did  a  little 
extra  swearing  on  my  own  account,  which  was  not 
"  down  in  the  bill ;"  marched  up  in  a  grand  proces 
sion  of  one,  and  poked  my  vote  in  the  little  hole. 

The  great  excitement  was  on  the  liquor  question ; 
it  was  ISToggs,  and  no  liquor  shops,  or  Boggs,  and  a 
few  liquor  shops,  Scroggs,  and  plenty  of  liquor 
shops,  or  Hoggs,  and  every  man  his  own  liquor 
shop. 

Voted  for  Hoggs,  for  I  feel  perfectly  justified  in 


VOTES,     A  X  D     IS     CHALLENGED.         277 

taking  an  occasional  toddy,  when  all  Wall  street  is 
perpetually  "  tight." 

Xoise  on  the  corner,  nigger  boy  playing  big  drum 
— candidates  presented  themselves  to  the  sovereign 
people  for  inspection. 

Know  Xo  thing  man  on  a  native  jackass,  cap  of 
liberty  on  his  head,  and  his  pantaloons  made  of  the 
American  flag,  with  the  stripes  running  the  wrong 
way. 

Independent  candidate,  who  wants  the  Irish  vote 
and  Dutch  suffrages,  entered,  borne  in  a  mortar  hod, 
barefooted,  with  a  shillelagh  in  one  hand,  a  whiskey 
bottle  in  the  other,  a  Dutch  pipe  in  his  mouth,  and  a 
small  barrel  of  beer  strapped  to  his  back. 

Cold  water  man  stood  on  a  hydrant  with  the 
water  turned  on,  and  had  his  pockets  full  of  icicles. 

"Whiskey  man  brought  in  drunk  on  a  cart  by 
admiring  friends,  who  besought  the  crowd  to  do  as 
he  did,  go  it  blind. 

Special  deputy,  who  wanted  to  be  appointed  police 
man,  was  very  active  ;  he  arrested  an  apple- woman, 
knocked  down  a  cripple,  kicked  a  little  boy,  looked 
the  other  way  while  his  constituents  were  picking 
pockets,  and  took  a  little  match  girl  up  an  alley  and 
boxed  her  ears  for  presuming  to  show  herself  in  the 


278  DOESTICKS. 

street  without  shoes  and  stockings, — motto  on  his  hat, 
"  sic  itur  ad  astra"  Go  it  or  you'll  never  be  a  star. 

Irish  woman,  with  a  big  bag  of  potatoes  on  her 
head,  came  up  to  vote — she  said  Dennis  was  sick, 
(drunk)  but  as  Mr.  Hoggs  had  paid  for  his  vote,  she 
had  brought  it  herself,  in  order  that  it  might  not 
be  lost.  She  was,  with  difficulty,  choked  off  by  the 
heroic  aspirant  to  the  civic  star. 

Whiskey  man  began  to  fall  behind  ;  messenger  sent 
to  Randall's  Island,  and  one  to  Blackwell's  ditto,  for  aid. 

Fresh  caught  Irishman  came  up — been  but  fifteen 
minutes  off  the  ship  "Pauper's  Refuge,"  but  was 
brought  up  by  the  bullies  to  vote  for  whiskey  man 
— Know  Nothing  man  challenged  him — he  swore  he 
was  twenty-seven  years  old,  had  always  lived  in  this 
country — ten  years  in  Maine — eleven  in  South  Caro 
lina — eight  in  Maryland,  and  the  last  nine  years  of 
his  life  he  had  spent  in  this  city.  Said  he  was  a  full- 
blooded  American ;  that  his  father  was  a  New 
Hampshire  farmer,  and  his  mother  a  Mohawk  squaw ; 
that  they  had  separated  three  years  before  he  was 
born,  and  had  never  seen  each  other  since. 

Inspector,  who  was  a  friend  of  whiskey  man,  re 
ceived  his  ballot.  (Paddy  had  slipped  in  two  others 
with  his  left  hand,  while  his  right  was  on  the  book 


DUTCHMAN     VOTER.  279 

taking  the  oath.)  His  kind  friends  took  him  by 
turns  into  eighteen  different  wards,  in  every  one  of 
which  he  deposited  a  whiskey  vote,  and  swore  it  in ; 
after  the  polls  were  closed  and  he  couldn't  vote  any 
more,  they  sent  him  to  the  station-house  for  being 
"  drunk  and  disorderly." 

Elated  with  their  success  in  this  instance,  the 
B'hoys  now  brought  up  a  newly  imported  Dutch 
man,  who  could  only  grin  idiotically  and  say 
"Yaw." 

Inspector  asks — "Are  you  a  voter?" 

"Yaw." 

"  Are  you  twenty-one  years  old  ?" 

"Yaw." 

"  Do  you  live  in  this  city  ?" 

"  Yaw." 

Here  one  of  Koggs's  friends  culpably  interposed, 
evidently  with  the  desire  of  ridiculing  the  august 
proceedings,  and  asked  : 

"Have  you  got  thirty-one  wives  ?" — another  man 
asked  if  he  had  his  hat  full  of  saur-krout — and  a 
third  was  anxious  to  be  informed  if  he  could  stand 
on  his  head  and  smoke  a  pipe,  and  balance  a  potash 
kettle  on  his  heels;  to  all  of  which  he  placidly 
responded  "  Yaw.'' 


280  DOESTICKS. 

Inspector  hurried  to  the  rescue,  and  put  the  test 
question  : 

"  Do  you  vote  for  Hoggs?"  and  receiving  the 
same  complacent  "  Yaw,"  he  took  his  vote,  and 
shoved  him  aside. 

All  sorts  of  odd  customers  came  up  to  deposit 
their  ballots,  but  it  is  a  remarkable  fact  that  if  they 
wanted  to  vote  for  Boggs,  Scroggs,  or  Noggs,  or,  in 
fact,  any  one  but  Hoggs,  they  were  sure  to  be  crowd 
ed,  shoved,  and  hustled,  and  generally  left  the  room 
with  bloody  noses,  and  their  ballots  still  in  their  hands. 

Fun  grew  fast  and  furious ;  whiskey  man  ahead, 
but  wanted  tremendous  majority  ;  the  pauper  forces 
of  Randall's  Island,  visiting  the  city  for  that  occasion 
only,  came  up  and  voted. 

This  last  trick  is  getting  stale,  and  whoever  is 
elected  this  time  will  probably  have  it  denounced  as 
a  diabolical  invention  of  the  opposite  faction,  and 
have  a  sharp  watch  kept  over  these  individuals  until 
his  own  term  of  office  rims  out,  and  he  is  announced 
as  a  candidate  for  re-election  ;  which  circumstance 
will  blind  his  eyes  for  a  while  unless  his  opponents 
bring  them  over  to  the  other  side,  when  he  will  turn 
state's  evidence,  and  expose  the  whole  trick  to  his 
constituents. 


ANNOUNCES     H  O  G  G  '  S     ELECTION.       281 

Almost  time  to  close  the  polls,  but  the  inspector 
kept  the  box  open  twenty  minutes  after  sundown  to 
receive  the  votes  of  sixteen  promiscuous  rascals,  who 
had  been  habeas  corpnsed  from  the  Tombs,  and  who 
voted  every  man  for  Hoggs. 

Polls  closed  ;  intense  excitement ;  bonfires  built ; 
squibs,  rockets,  guns  and  Chinese  crackers ;  liquor 
scarce,  the  candidates  having  cut  off  the  supply  as 
soon  as  the  voting  was  over. 

Crowd  sat  down  in  bar-rooms  and  engine-houses, 

O  / 

and  crowded  about  the  secret  rooms  to  get  dis 
patches  ;  about  twelve  o'clock  they  began  to  come  : 
it  was  soon  evident  that  Xoggs  was  beaten,  Boggs 
was  distanced,  and  Scroggs  was  nowhere ;  it  was 
Hoggs  everywhere ;.  Hoggs  in  the  street ;  Hoggs  in 
the  tavern  ;  Hoggs  at  the  bonfires  ;  Hoggs  for  ever  ; 
no  one  but  Hoggs ;  triumphant  Hoggs ;  victorious 
Hoggs  ;  high-old  Hoggs,  the  people's  choice. 

This  morning  ^s"oggs's  typographical  organ  an 
nounced  the  utter  ruin,  and  speedy  annihilation  of 
the  country,  under  the  destructive  rule  of  Hoggs  ; 
and  it  asserted  that  honor,  honesty  and  truth  had  left 
the  nation ;  patriotism  and  decency  had  deserted 
hand  in  hand,  and  that  the  outraged  goddess  of  liberty 
had  taken  off  her  night-cap,  pinned  up  her  skirts, 


282  DOESTICKS. 

put  on  a  pair  of  cowhide  boots,  and  bidden  eternal 
farewell  to  fallen,  degenerate  Columbia. 

On  the  other  hand,  Hoggs'  papers  rejoiced  over 
the  defeat  of  the  allied  armies.  Bade  Noggs,  Boggs 
and  Scroggs  an  affectionate  adieu,  and  consigned 
them  to  oblivion;  and  then  rejoiced  that  they  had 
chosen  a  ruler  so  capable  as  the  glorious  Hoggs,  the 
proud,  tar-seeing,  generous,  liberal,  independent 
Hoggs,  who  guaranties  to  the  people  their  daily  gin, 
and  nightly  riots.  Hoggs,  the  magnanimous — Hoggs, 
who  stands  up  to  the  popular  creed — unlimited 
whiskey — Hoggs,  who  remains  true  to  his  alcoholic 
instincts — Hoggs,  who  battles  for  the  people's  rights 
— Hoggs,  who  has  so  nobly  earned  the  title  bestowed 
upon  him  by  the  lager-bier  shops,  whose  liberty  he 
has  secured,  and  the  whiskey  dens  whose  morality  he 
has  vouched  for — HOGGS,  "  defender  of  the  Faith, 
and  leader  of  the  Faithful." 

P.  S.    Hurrah  for  Hoggs. 

P.  S.    Junior. — And  unlimited  whiskey. 


XXXII. 

|1olit£  gbfantures.— glapr  SStoob  atounir, 

'AYIXG  made  myself  so  exceedingly  useful 
to  the  party  in  the  last  election,  I  thought  it 
not  improbable  that  the  party  might  not  be  indis 
posed  to  make  itself  useful  to  me  afterwards. — Was 
undecided  what  office  to  ask  for,  but  thought  I  would 
like  to  be  an  31.  P. 

I  have  so  long  admired  the  public  usefulness  of 
those  blue-uniformed  men,  chained  to  big  brass  stars 
(as  if  they  were  members  of  some  locomotive  K.  X. 
Lodge),  who  stand  on  the  corners,  borrow  the  morning 
papers  of  the  newsboys  and  munch  gratuitous  peanuts 
from  the  apple- women's  stalls,  that  I,  too,  felt  a  de 
sire  to  serve  the  city  by  wearing  a  broadcloth  suit, 
carrying  a  lignum- vitse  club,  and  drawing  my  salary 
on  pay-day. 

I  have  often  noticed  the  alacrity  with  which  they 
pilot  unprotected  females  across  the  street,  boost 


284  DOESTICKS. 

them  into  stages,  or  land  them,  dry-shod,  on  the  curb 
stone  as  the  exigencies  of  the  case  may  require — the 
ferocity  with  which  they  crack  their  whips  at  tardy 
omnibus  drivers — the  courage  with  which  they 
attack  the  street-sweeping  children,  and  small-sized 
apple-women,  and  the  diligence  with  which  they 
get  the  legs  of  their  pantaloons  dirty,  endeavoring 
to  keep  the  course  of  travel  uninterrupted  in  the 
streets. 

Having  an  innate  love  of  courage  and  noble  deeds, 
(my  father  was  Captain  in  the  artillery,)!  could  not  but 
look  with  admiration  upon  the  chivalrous  manner  in 
which  four  or  five  of  them  will  undauntedly  lay  hold 
upon  a  single  man,  if  very  drunk — and  the  courageous 
valor  they  display  in  fearlessly  knocking  off  his  hat, 
intrepidly  twisting  their  fingers  in  his  neck-cloth, 
unshrinkingly  stepping  on  his  toes  and  kicking  his 
shins,  and  stout-heartedly  rapping  his  knuckles  with 
their  hard  wood  clubs. 

Emulous  to  rival  such  doughty  heroism,  I  made 
application  for  the  situation  of  policeman,  "  Z.,  785," 
which  position  had  been  vacated  by  the  chief,  in 
consequence  of  the  late  incumbent  having  got  drunk 
at  the  corner  grocery,  and  pawned  his  uniform  and 
star  to  get  money  to  bet  on  a  rat-terrier. 


APPLIES     FOE     OFFICE     OF     M.P.          285 

There  were  thirty-six  applicants  of  various  nations, 
for  the  post — soon  saw  that  Yankees  stood  no  kind  of 
a  chance — so  swore  I  was  an  Irishman,  and  proved 
my  birth  by  carrying  a  hod  of  mortar  to  the  top  of 
a  five  story  building  without  touching  my  hands — 
after  that  had  more  of  a  sight,  but  found  I  had  a 
powerful  rival  in  the  person  of  a  six  foot  "Welshman, 
a  rod  and  a  half  across  the  shoulders,  with  a  fist  like 
a  pile-driver — both  swore  we  were  "  dimmycrats." 

They  asked  us  what  we  had  done  to  secure  the 
election  of  the  regular  ticket. 

Welshman  said  he  had  voted  twice,  built  bonfire?, 
carried  flags,  torn  down  the  handbills  of  the  opposite 
party,  and  that  just  before  the  time  for  voting  was 
up,  perceiving  a  crowd  of  our  opponents  about  the 
polls,  he  had  raised  an  alarm  of  fire  and  got  an 
engine  company  to  come  tearing  through  the  crowd 
and  scatter  them  so  that  they  couldn't  get  their  votes 
in  before  the  doors  closed. 

Now  came  my  turn — told  them  I  had  got  up  six 
free  fights,  challenged  fourteen  whig  voters,  knocked 
the  hats  over  the  eyes  of  eight  of  them  and  changed 
their  tickets  in  the  confusion,  thereby  making  them 
vote  for  Hoggs,  when  their  bread  and  butter 
depended  upon  the  election 
12* 


286  DOES  TICKS. 

Swore  also  that  I  had  voted  in  eight  different 
wards,  (three  times  in  the  46th  by  the  aid  of  a  red 
wig  and  a  pair  of  false  whiskers) — and  also  that  I  had 
associated  with  me  in  my  operations,  a  genteel  party 
of  eleven  Dutchmen,  made  them  all  swear  in  their 
votes  at  every  place  I  did,  and  at  three  o'clock  in 
the  afternoon,  when  lager-bier  had  done  its  worst, 
and  they  were  so  far  overcome  with  their  patriotic 
exertions,  that  they  couldn't  hold  their  heads  up,  I 
locked  them  safely  in  a  barn,  so  that  the  whigs 
might  not  find  them,  drown  them  with  a  sober 
hydrant  stream,  and  put  them  through  the  same 
exercise  all  over  again. 

Told  them  I  had  finished  the  day  by  getting  up  a 
row  in  the  office,  breaking  the  inspector's  spectacles 
with  a  brick,  and  slipping  into  the  ballot-box  sixty- 
three  votes  for  Hoggs  before  he  got  the  glass  out 
of  his  eyes. 

"Welshman  couldn't  talk  so  fast,  and  so  they  de 
cided  that  I  was  the  best  qualified,  and  had  the 
strongest  claims. 

Got  the  appointment,  had  my  uniform  made,  was 
presented  with  a  star  and  a  club,  and  entered  upon 
the  performance  of  my  duties. 

Was  stationed  at  the  corner  of  Maiden  Lane  and 


A  C  C  E  P  T  E  D A  ND   TAKES    HIS    STATION.     287 

Broadway,  to  keep  the  street  clear — endeavored  to 
do  it — express-man's  horse  fell  down — tried  to  get  him 
up — ungrateful  horse — very — turned  over  suddenly, 
threw  me  down — spoiled  my  pantaloons,  and  bit  a 
long  piece  out  of  my  coat  collar. 

Got  him  up  at  last,  and  while  the  driver  was  re 
loading  his  vehicle,  tried  to  put  on  the  gearing — 
never  tried  to  harness  a  horse  before,  don't  think 
I  could  do  it  well  without  practice. 

Got  the  breeching  over  his  eyes,  the  names  be 
tween  his  foreshoulders,  buckled  the  belly-band  round 
his  ears,  forgot  the  collar  entirely,  and  hooked  the 
traces  to  the  fore-wheels — driver  didn't  seem  to 
like  my  way  of  doing  things,  but  at  last  he  got 
every  thing  fixed  right  and  passed  along. 

Alarm  of  fire — tried  to  keep  the  engines  from 
running  on  the  sidewalk — as  a  reward  for  trying  to 
do  my  duty,  got  run  over  by  two  hose- carts,  and  a 
hook  and  ladder  truck,  and  was  knocked  bodily 
into  an  ash-box  by  the  foreman  of  engine  73. 

Mighty  torrent  of  opposing  vehicles  got  jammed 
— stages,  carts,  coal- waggons,  drays,  hackney- 
coaches,  two  military  companies  with  a  brass- 
baud,  a  four-horse  hearse  with  a  long  funeral  pro 
cession. 


288  DOES  TICKS. 

Every  body  very  obstinate,  wouldn't  move — • 
tried  to  disentangle  them — got  bewildered,  made 
every  thing  worse — horses  fell  down,  stages  fell  on 
top  of  them — -mourners  escaped  with  their  lives — 
coffin  didn't — hearse  tipped  over  and  pitched  into 
a  swill-cart — soldiers  stuck  their  bayonets  through 
the  omnibus  windows,  ladies  screamed,  drivers  yelled 
— got  scared — didn't  know  what  I  was  about,  ordered 
everybody  to  go  everywhere,  put  half  the  mourners 
into  a  Crystal  Palace  stage,  and  sent  them  up  town, 
and  the  rest  into  a  private  coach,  and  sent  them 
down  town — got  the  coffin  out  of  the  swill-tub,  and 
despatched  it  by  express  to  the  Hudson  Iliver  Kail- 
road. 

Couldn't  with  all  my  exertions  get  the  tangle  un 
snarled,  and  it  was  only  eventually  accomplished  by 
the  Captain  of  the  Police  Division,  who  came  to  my 
assistance,  and  made  every  thing  all  right  in  about 
two  minutes  and  a  half. 

Was  sent  to  a  drinking  saloon  to  take  a  couple  of 
river  thieves — found  the  place,  arrested  two  sus 
picious-looking  persons,  got  them  to  the  Chiefs 
office  after  a  great  deal  of  trouble,  and  then  dis 
covered  that  I  had  let  the  right  men  go,  and  secured 
only  the  bar-tender  and  one  of  the  waiters. 


REPRIMANDED.  289 

Was  sent  with  half  a  dozen  others  to  capture  a 
notorious  burglar — tracked  him  to  his  house — -the 
rest  went  inside  to  look  for  him,  and  left  me  to 
watch  the  garden  wall  to  see  that  he  didn't  get 
out  that  way. 

Saw  a  man  getting  over,  rushed  up  to  him,  asked 
him  who  he  was — said  be  was  a  stranger  in  the 
city,  that  the  wind  had  blown  his  hat  over  the  wall, 
and,  having  recovered  it,  he  was  just  climbing 
back  ;  gentlemanly-looking  man — believed  his  story, 
helped  him  over,  asked  if  I  shouldn't  brush  his 
clothes,  said  he  had  an  appointment  and  couldn't 
wait ;  let  him  go,  and  he  disappeared  round  the 
corner  just  as  the  rest  of  my  company  came  down 
stairs  after  an  unsuccessful  search  for  the  burglar  ; 
asked  if  I'd  seen  anybody — told  them  about  it, 
and  Sergeant  informed  me  that  I'd  been  helping  the 
very  man  to  escape  whom  they  were  trying  to 
take. 

Believed  him  for  I  now  discovered  that  he  had 
stolen  my  week's  salary  from  my  pocket,  and  an 
"  Albert  tie"  and  a  false  collar  from  my  neck,  while 
I  was  helping  him  over  the  wall ;  got  reprimanded 
by  the  Chief,  but  not  discharged. 

Next  day  saw   a  row ;   knew  my  duty  perfectly 


290  DOE  STICKS. 

well  in  this  instance.  Turned  down  the  nearest 
street  and  went  into  a  rum-shop  ;  man  followed  me 
in,  and,  as  I  was  taking  a  "  brandy-smash,"  he  step 
ped  up  and  asked  me  my  name  ;  told  him  none  of 
his  business  ;  asked  me  again  ;  told  him  if  he  didn't 
shut  up  I'd  break  his  mouth. 

He  went  off,  and  I  returned  to  the  field  of  battle 
and  took  into  custody  a  man  with  his  head  cut  open, 
who  was  lying  across  the  curb-stone ;  led  him  to 
the  Station  House,  and  complained  of  him  for 
breaking  the  peace. 

Next  day  was  summoned  before  the  Mayor; 
thought  I  was  going  to  receive  a  public  compliment 
for  doing  my  duty,  and  perhaps  get  promoted — 
have  my  salary  raised — and  presented  with  a  medal. 

Had  never  seen  the  Mayor ;  went  into  the  room, 
and  saw,  sitting  in  the  big  chair,  the  man  who  had 
asked  me  the  day  before  what  my  name  was,  whose 
mouth  I  had  threatened  to  break,  and  who  I  now 
discovered  was  Mayor  Wood. 

He  asked  me  my  name ;  didn't  say  anything 
about  breaking  his  mouth  this  time ;  he  informed 
me  that  the  city  had  no  further  occasion  for  my  ser 
vices  ;  hadn't  any  thing  •  to  say  ;  took  off  my  star, 
gave  up  my  club,  and  left  the  presence,  resolved 


DISCHARGED.  291 

that  if  another  man   asks   my  name,  to  tell  him 
politely, 

Q.  K.  PHILANDER  DOESTICKS,  P.  B. 

P.  S. — I  have  just  got  a  note,  saying  that  my  back 
salary  will  not  be  paid.  Shall  sue  the  city,  for  I 
know  that  in  the  fighting  business  I  did  my  duty  as 
an  M.  P.  according  to  police  usage  from  time  imme 
morial. 

What  right  has  Mayor  Wood  to  come  in  and  up 
set  ancient  customs  with  his  new-fangled  notions? 
He  may  go  to  thunder. 


XXXIII. 

gtftoirt—  pact  0f  p  (feile— 


i  OKROW  is  upon  tlie  heart,  a  heavy  grief  upon 
the  soul,  and  a  great  affliction  in  the  home  of 
me,  Doesticks.  My  friend,  the  charm  of  my  cham 
ber,  the  comforter  of  my  lonely  hours,  the  treasure 
of  my  heart,  the  light  of  my  eyes,  the  sunshine  of 
my  existence,  the  borrower  of  my  clean  shirts  and 
my  Sunday  pantaloons,  the  permanent  clothing  aod 
fancy  goods  debtor  of  my  life,  is  no  more. 

My  sack-cloth  garment  is  not  as  yet  complete,  my 
tailor  having  disappointed  me  ;  but  dust  and  ashes 
lie  in  alternate  strata,  undisturbed  upon  the  head  of 
me,  Doesticks. 

Weep  with  me,  sympathizing  world  ;  bear  a  help 
ing  hand  to  lift  away  this  heavy  load  of  sorrowful 
sorrow,  of  woeful  woe,  of  bitter  bitterness,  of  agoniz- 


MOUKX5     FOE     DAMPHOOL.  293 

ing  agony,  of  wretched  wretchedness,  and  torturing 
torture,  which  now  afflicts  with  its  direful  weight  the 
head  of  me,  Doesticks. 

I  grieve,  I  mourn,  I  lament,  I  weep,  I  suffer,  I 
pine,  I  droop,  I  sink,  I  despair,  I  writhe  in  agony,  I 
feel  bad. 

DampJiool  has  departed  this  life. 

He  is  buried,  but  he  is  not  dead  ;  he  is  entombed, 
but  he  is  still  alive.  After  a  metropolitan  existence 
of  a  few  months  had  partially  relieved  him  of  his 
rural  verdure  ;  after  having  seen  with  appreciating 
eyes  the  suburbs  of  a  town  which  alone  contains  the 
entire  and  undivided  elephant,  he  has  voluntarily 
exiled  himself  to  a  stagnant  village  in  the  Western 
wilderness — a  sleepily- ambitious  little  townlet,  vainly, 
for  many  years,  aspiring  to  the  dignity  of  city  hood, 
but  which  still  remains  a  very  baby  of  a  city,  not 
yet  (metaphorically  speaking)  divested  of  those  rudi 
mentary  triangular  garments  peculiar  to  weaklings 
in  an  undeveloped  state — without  energy  enough  to 
cry  when  it  is  hurt,  or  go-aheadism  sufficient  to  keep 
its  nose  clean. 

A  somnambulistic  town — for  in  spite  of  all  the 
efforts  made  for  its  glorification,  it  has  obstinately 
refused  to  shake  off  its  municipal  drowsiness. 


DOESTIOKS. 

A  very  Rip  Van  "Winkle  of  a  town,  now  in  the 
midst  of  its  twenty  years'  nap,  and  which  will  arouse 
some  time  and  find  itself  so  dilapidated  that  its  for 
mer  friends  won't  recognize  it. 

A  town  which  actualizes  that  ancient  fable  of  the 
hare  and  tortoise — and,  trusting  in  its  capability  of 
speed,  has  gone  fast  asleep  at  the  beginning  of  the 
course,  only  to  awake  some  future  day  to  the  fact 
that  all  its  tortoise  neighbors  have  passed  it  on  the 
way,  and  it  has  been  distanced  in  the  race,  rather 
than  be  disturbed  in  its  comfortable  snooze. 

A  very  sepulchre  of  a  town,  into  which,  if  a  would- 
be  voyager  in  the  stream  of  earnest  life  be  cast 
away  and  stranded,  he  is  as  much  lost  to  the  really 
living  world,  as  if  he  were  embalmed  with  oriental 
spices,  and  shelved  away  in  the  darkest  tomb  of  the 
Pharaohs. 

A  town  whose  future  greatness  exists  only  in  the 
imagination  of  its  deluded  habiters,  whose  enterprise 
and  public  spirit  are  as  fabulous  as  the  Phoenix. 

A  town  which  will  never  be  a  city,  save  in  name, 
until  telegraphs,  railroads,  colleges,  churches,  libra 
ries,  and  busy  warehouses  become  indigenous  to  the 
soil  of  the  Wolverines,  and  spring  like  mushrooms 
from  the  earth,  without  the  aid  of  human  mind  to 


plan,  or  human  will  to  urge  the  work,  or  human 
hand  to  place  one  single  stone. 

For,  sooner  than  this  dormant  town  shall  be 
matured  into  a  nourishing  city  by  the  men  who  now 
doze  away  their  time  within  its  sleepy  limits,  the 
dead  men  of  Greenwood  shall  rise  from,  their  mossy 
graves  and  pile  their  marble  monuments  into  a 
tradesman's  market-house. 

A  town,  where,  in  former  days,  some  few  short 
sighted  business  men  did  congregate,  who  commenced 
great  stores,  hotels  and  warehouses,  and  the  other 
tools  by  help  of  which  the  world  does  " business" 
but  which  said  men,  too  wise  to  remain  faithful  to  a 
place  which  all  their  toil  would  ever  fail  to  perma 
nently  rouse  from  its  persevering  sleep,  soon  left  for 
ever,  after,  by  united  effort,  they  had  galvanized  it 
into  a  spasmodic  life,  and  taken  advantage  of  its 
transient  vitality  to  hastily  sell  their  property, 
before  its  slumber  should  come  on  again.  These 
men  are  now  remembered  by  the  great  hotel  their 
enterprise  erected,  and  which  is  to  this  day  unfi 
nished,  and  the  warehouses  (now  deserted,  save  by 
rats,)  which  they  put  up,  and  the  other  massive 
structure,  the  work  on  which  was  going  bravely  on, 
until  the  drowsy  genius  of  the  place  congealed  the 


296  DOESTICKS. 

energy  of  the  founders,  and  left  the  unroofed  walls 
and  rotting  timbers  a  crumbling  landmark  in  the 
desolate  dearth,  to  show  where  another  business  man 
was  wrecked. 

A  rusty  village  which  has  not  enterprise  enough 
to  keep  its  public  buildings  in  repair,  and  whose  very 
Court-house,  now  in  the  last  decrepit  years  of  a 
slothful  life,  has  for  years  leaked  dirty  water  on  the 
heads  of  the  sleepy  lawyers  who  burrow  in  its  dingy 
lower  rooms  ;  and  which,  in  a  soaking  rain,  could 
not  boast  a  dry  corner  to  protect  the  dignified  caput 
of  the  supreme  judge  from  the  aqueous  visitation. 

A  town  where  every  one  is  poorer  than  his  neigh 
bor,  and  no  one  man  is  rich  in  this  world's  goods, 
save  those  few  treacherous  pilots,  who,  being  charged 
to  guide  the  vessels  of  their  fellows,  have  placed  false 
lights  on  hidden  rocks,  run  the  confiding  craft  to 
ruin,  and  fattened  on  the  plunder  of  the  wreck. 

A  distant  and  remote  extreme  of  the  hurrying 
world,  which  is  so  separated  from  the  "  heart  of  busi 
ness"  that  no  single  drop  of  its  vital  life  ever  reaches 
this  defunct  and  amputated  member. 

A  place  where  the  inactivity  and  inertia  of  the 
people  infects  even  the  animal  and  vegetable  worlds  ; 
and  the  cows  and  pigs  are  too  lazy  to  eat  enough  to 


REHEARSES    HIS   FAULTS   AND   FAILINGS.    297 

ensure  their  pinguitude,  but  drawl  about  the  streets, 
perambulating  specimens  of  embodied  animated  lazi 
ness,  displaying  through  their  skins  their  osseous 
economy. 

"Where  the  very  trees  don't  leaf  out  till  August 
and  the  flowers  are  too  backward  to  bloom  till  snow 
comes,  and  where  the  river  itself,  too  lazy  to  run 
down  hill,  sometimes  from  sheer  indolence  stops  flow 
ing,  to  take  a  rest ;  dams  itself  up,  and  overflows 
the  railroad. 

Yet  here  has  the  late  lamented  Damphool  re 
solved  to  bury  himself,  establishing  thereby  an  un 
disputed  title  to  the  expressive  name  he  bears  ;  and 
I  can  only  hope  that  in  his  exile  some  stray  copy  of 
this  book  may  be  wrecked  within  his  reach,  that  he 
may  come  to  know  the  present  heartfelt  lament  of 
me,  Doesticks. 

I  have  ever  tried,  O  mighty  Damphool,  to  forgive 
thy  faults  and  overlook  thy  frailties  ! 

Some  have  said  that  thou  wert  lazy,  but  such  have 
never  seen  thee  eat. 

"What  though  thou  wert  foppish  to  a  degree. 

I  could  forgive  thy  Shanghae  coats,  thy  two-acre 
turn-down  collars,  and  thy  pantaloons  so  tight  thou 
hadst  to  pull  them  on  with  boot-hooks ;  thy  gorgeous 


298  DOESTICKS. 

cravat,  with  its  bow  projecting  on  either  side  like  a 
silken  wing ;  thy  lemon-colored  kids ;  thy  cambric 
handkerchiefs,  dripping  with  compounds  to  me  un 
known  ;  and  thy  blanket  shawl,  which  made  thee 
resemble  a  half-breed  Scotchman. 

I  could  overlook  the  boarding-school-ism  of  the 
Miss  Nancyish  "  Journal,"  filled  with  poetry  rejected 
of  the  press,  with  unmeaning  prose,  with  dyspeptic 
complaints  of  hard  fortune,  or  bilious  repinings  at 
thy  lot,  and  all  the  senseless  silliness  which  thou  didst 
inscribe  therein. 

I  could  endure  the  affected  airs  thou  didst  assume 
before  the  lady  boarders,  that  they  might  think  and 
call  thee  Poet  •  the  abstracted  air,  the  appearance 
of  being  lost  in  thought,  and  the  sudden  recovery  of 
thy  truant  wits  with  a  spasmodic  start ;  the  shirt- 
collar  loose  at  the  neck,  and  turned  romantically 
clown  over  the  coat ;  the  long  hair  brushed  back  be 
hind  thy  noticeable  ears,  to  show  thy  "  marble  fore 
head." 

I  could  admire  that  self-appreciation  of  personal 
charms  which  made  thee  certain  all  the  young  ladies 
were  smitten  unto  matrimony  with  thy  fascinations. 

How  faithful  wert  thou  in  thy  gastronomical  affec 
tions  I  how  constant  to  thy  first  love — fried  oysters  ; 


ADMIRES   HIS   TRAITS    OF   CHARACTER.    299 

and  how  attentive  to  the  choice  of  thy  mature  judg 
ment — boiled  turkey,  with  celery. 

How  unwavering  in  thy  economy,  never  parting 
with  a  dime  in  charity,  in  generosity,  or  in  friendly 
gift,  but  only  disbursing  the  same  for  a  full  equiva 
lent  in  the  wherewithal  to  decorate  the  outer  man,  or 
gratify  the  inner  individual. 

How  consistent  in  thy  devotion  to  music  and  the 
drama ;  always  attending  the  opera  or  theatre  when 
ever  generous  friends  would  buy  the  tickets. 

What  an  intense  appreciation  hadst  thou  of  litera 
ture,  always  going  fast  asleep  over  anything  more 
substantial  than  the  morning  paper.  How  fashion- 
ably  sincere  in  all  thy  professions  of  piety,  attending 
church  on  Sunday,  reading  the  responses  when  they 
could  be  easily  found,  and  sleeping  through  the  ser 
mon  with  as  much  respectability  as  any  Church 
member  of  them  all ;  truly,  most  estimable  Dam- 
phool,  I  shall  greatly  miss  thy  intermittent  religion. 

How  lovely  wert  thou  in  disposition,  how  amiable 
in  manners ;  with  what  an  affectionate  air  couldst 
thou  kick  the  match-boy  out  doors,  box  the  ears  of 
the  little  candy-girl,  and  tell  the  more  sturdy  apple- 
woman  to  go  to  the  devil. 

With  what  a  charitable  look  couldst  thou  listen  to 


300  DOESTICKS. 

the  tale  of  the  shivering  beggar  child,  could  see  the 
bare  blue  feet,  and  view  the  scanty  dress,  while  thy 
generous  hand  closed  with  a  tighter  grasp  upon  the 
cherished  pennies  in  thy  pocket. 

Anatomically  speaking,  friend  Damphool,  I  sup 
pose  thou  hadst  a  heart ;  emotionally,  not  a  trace  of 
one  ;  the  feeble  article  which  served  thee  in  that 
capacity  knew  no  more  of  generous  thoughts  and 
noble  impulses  than  a  Shanghae  pullet  knows  of  the 
opera  of  Nor  ma. 

Go,  immerse  thyself  in  that  Western  town  where, 
like  the  rest  who  dwell  therein,  thy  abilities  will  be 
undeveloped,  thy  talents  will  be  veiled,  thy  energies 
rust  out,  and  thou  wilt  become,  like  them,  a  peram 
bulating,  passive,  perpetual  sacrifice  to  the  lazy  gods 
of  Sloth  and  Sanctity. 

I  shall  mourn  thy  taper  legs ;  I  shall  lament  thy 
excruciating  neck-tie  ;  I  shall  weep  that  last  coat  that 
did  so  very  long  a  tail  unfold  ;  I  shall  sorrow  for  thy 
unctuous  hairs,  and  grieve  for  thy  perfumed  whiskers. 

I  shall  look  in  vain  for  thy  polished  boots  and  jew 
eled  hands ;  I  shall  miss  thy  intellectual  countenance, 
radiant  with  innocent  imbecility  ;  and  I  shall  lose  my 
daily  meditation  upon  the  precarious  frailty  of  those 
intangible  legs. 


FAREWELL     TO     DAMPHOOL.  301 

But,  ancient  friend,  when  hereafter  all  the  rustic 
maidens  have  yielded  their  hearts  before  thy  capti 
vating  charms ;  when  thy  manly  beauty  is  fully  ap 
preciated,  and  thy  intellectual  endowments  acknow 
ledged  by  the  world,  deign  to  cast  one  condescending 
glance  downward  toward  thy  former  friend  and  per 
petual  admirer,  and  give  one  gracious  thought  of 
kind  remembrance  to  sorrowing,  disconsolate  me, 
Doesticks. 

Damphool,  thou  art  superlative — there  is  none 
greater. 

Farewell !     Henceforth,  friendship  to  me  is  but  a 
name,  and  I  survive  my  bereavement  only  to  con 
centrate  my  affections  upon  my  embryonic  whiskers. 
I  remain  inconsolable,  till  the  bell  rings  for  dinner. 
13 


The    Wine    Cellar    near    Cincinnati. 


XXXIV. 


the  gtoiw 


iY  the  enduring  perseverance  of  the  lovers  of 
cold  water,  laws  have  been  passed  in  most  of 
the  Western  States  forbidding  the  sale  of  those 
beverages  which  make  men  rich,  happy,  dizzy,  and 
drunk,  all  in  the  space  of  half  an  hour  ;  so  that  now 
a  good  horn  is  not,  as  formerly,  to  be  purchased  at 
every  corner  grocery,  and  travellers  are  forced  to 
carry  a  couple  of"  drunks  "  in  a  willow-covered  flask 
in  their  overcoat  pocket. 

The  usual  "  bitters  "  are  not  forthcoming  in  the 
morning,  and  old  topers  who  have  for  years  regularly 
paid  their  morning  devotions  to  the  decanter  or  the 
black  bottle,  must  now  perforce  become  votaries  of 
the  hydrant  and  the  rain  water  barrel. 

Not  a  few  men  have,  within  the  last  four  months, 
drunk  more  water  than  for  years  before,  to  the  great 


306  DOES  TICKS. 

astonishment  of  their  stomachs,  which  would,  at  first, 
almost  rebel  against  the  unusual  visitor. 

Many  an  habitual  guzzler  whose  convivial  habits 
have  generally  sent  him  to  bed  at  five  o'clock  every 
afternoon,  has  been  amazed  to  discover  what  a 
difference  the  new  drink  makes  in  the  stability  of 
the  village  constituents ;  and  it  will  be  a  matter  of 
wonder  to  find  that  at  four  in  the  afternoon  the  town 
is  in  comparatively  the  same  situation  it  was  in  the 
morning ;  that  the  tavern  sign  is  not  over  the  shoe 
maker's  shop,  nor  the  horse-trough  in  the  front- 
parlor  ;  that  the  pump  is  in  the  street  instead  of  the 
church  belfry,  the  confectioner's  shop  not  in  the 
livery  stable,  the  livery  horses  not  in  the  bakery,  the 
bakery  not  a  hardware  store,  the  hardware  store  not 
full  of  shingles  and  building  stuff;  that  the  poplar- 
trees  in  front  of  the  minister's  house  are  right  end 
up,  and  the  flower-garden  of  the  minister's  wife  is  in 
a  state  of  ordinary  propriety,  with  no  snow-balls 
growing  on  the  strawberry  vines,  or  strawberries  on 
the  lilacs ;  no  blue-bells  on  the  locust-trees,  violets 
on  the  currant  bushes,  or  lilies  in  the  onion-beds ; 
that  there  are  no  tulips  on  the  pickets,  and  no  moss- 
rose  buds  springing  from  the  shed, — and  that  the  boy 
who  waters  the  stage-coach  horses  every  afternoon 


NOTES     THE     CHANGE     IN     THE     TIMES.     307 

as  the  clock  strikes  quarter  to  five,  does  not  lead 
them  tail  first  up  the  church  lightning  rod,  and 
make  them  drink  from  the  ridge-pole,  as  he  had 
always  thought. 

In  short  he  finds  a  serious  and  sudden  change  in 
the  world  around  him,  and  that  all  the  curious  phe 
nomena  before  mentioned  and  which  formerly  were 
always  present  in  the  afternoon  to  his  confused 
vision,  immediately  after  imbibing  his  seventeenth 
glass  of  rum  and  water,  have  ceased  to  occur,  and 
that  every  thing  is  now  right  side  up,  and  front  end 
foremost  to  his  ever  before  bewildered  optics. 

And  not  a  few  men  who  would  be  ashamed  to 
own  that  they  really  care  anything  for  the  drop  of 
spirits  which  they  occasionally  take  for  the 
"  stomach's  sake  "  will  be  seriously  incommoded  by 
this  new  stringency  in  temperance  principles ;  and 
the  deacon  or  elder  who  in  the  privacy  of  his  closet 
kept  a  spiritual  comforter  of  half  pint  dimension  will 
miss,  more  seriously  than  he  would  like  to  own,  even 
to  himself,  this  pious  dram. 

Longer  faces  and  sourer  tempers  will  be  the 
result,  and  many  a  young  aspirant  to  church  mem 
bership  will  be  found  deficient  in  necessary  Christian 
graces,  which  the  charitable  eyes  of  his  thirsty 


308  DOESTICKS. 

examiners  might  have  found  in  abundance,  had  not 
the  Maine  Law  interfered  with  the  generosity  of 
their  judgment,  and  made  their  vision  less  clear  than 
usual. 

But  these  are  things  it  will  not  do  to  speak  of; 
only  the  gross  appetites  of  the  three  cent  drinker 
should  be  made  matters  of  common  conversation. 

Travelling  lately  through  the  thirsty  State  of  Ohio, 
I  had  many  opportunities  of  observing  how  they  get 
round  and  over  the  letter  of  the  Law. 

In  that  state  the  framers  of  the  law,  with  a  com 
mendable  regard  for  the  commercial  welfare  of  their 
constituents,  many  of  whom  are  large  vine-growers, 
inserted  a  special  clause  allowing  the  traffic  in  beer 
and  native  wine  to  remain  unmolested. 

Travellers  will  therefore  find  in  this  State  now  a 
greater  variety  of  wine  than  is  grown  in  any  other 
one  country  in  the  world. 

Liquors  which  he,  in  another  place,  would  recog 
nise  as  brandy,  rum,  or  gin,  are  partially  disguised 
under  transparent  cognomens  as  native  wine. 

Brandy-"  smashes,"  rum-punches,  gin-cock-tails, 
sherry-cobblers,  mint-juleps,  and  every  kind  of  desir 
able  potable,  are  all  manufactured  from  "  Longworth's 
Sparkling  " — old  corn-whiskey  is  known  as  "  Still 


INSPECTS     THE     CELLAK.  309 

Catawba" — and  a  vast  deal  of  the  "  lager-beer"  is 
put  up  in  brandy  casks,  and  tastes  exceedingly  like 
the  genuine  article. 

Being  in  the  vicinity  of  the  Pork  city  (where  they 
have  a  ham  on  the  top  of  the  tallest  church  spire  in 
the  place,  pointing  with  the  knuckle  end  to  Heaven,) 
I  had  an  opportunity  to  visit  a  large  wine-cellar 
which  belonged  to  Darnphool's  uncle,  who  was  to 
accompany  us,  and  had  also  from  him  permission  to 
taste  the  different  vintages. 

Got  to  the  place,  went  down  cellar,  boy  gave  each 
of  us  a  long  stick  with  a  tallow  candle  on  the  end ; 
got  down;  wine  everywhere,  in  big  casks,  in  long 
bottles,  in  small  bottles,  in  tin  dippers,  in  glass  vials, 
and  in  little  puddles  on  the  floor. 

Bottles  ranged  in  regiments  all  wrong  side  up  with 
cobwebs  on  the  corks. 

Every  one  had  the  year  of  the  vintage  painted  on 
the  bottom,  as  if  it  was  a  British  baby  and  its  age 
had  to  be  registered  by  the  parish. 

One  cask  was  big  enough  to  float  a  scow-boat  or 
hold  a  common-sized  church  if  the  steeple  wasn't 
too  tall. 

Damphool  senior  wanted  to  get  in  and  swim — 


310  DOESTICKS. 

was  afraid  he'd  get  corned  and  couldn't  get  out, 
wouldn't  let  him  try. 

He  would  insist  on  getting  on  top  of  the  reservoir 
— had  a  glass  pump  in  his  hand — pumped  up  wine 
for  every  body — put  the  spout  into  his  mouth,  and 
pumped  into  himself  for  an  hour, — first  fifteen 
minutes  made  him  rich ;  second  quarter  of  an  hour 
made  him  tearful ;  at  the  end  of  forty-five  minutes 
he  was  helpless  but  happy ;  and  when  the  hour  was 
up  he  tumbled  off  the  top  of  the  machine  and  we 
stowed  him  away  in  a  corner,  where  he  lay  until  he 
revived  sufficiently  to  be  able  to  partake  of  some 
bread  and  butter  which  the  Dutch  housekeeper  gave 
us,  and  which  he  insisted  was  lobster  salad,  and  kept 
calling  for  boiled  eggs,  olive  oil,  and  mustard  to 
dress  it  with. 

At  last  he  was  taken  violently  sick,  and  we  took 
him  out  doors,  set  him  on  top  of  a  basswood  stump, 
when  he  looked  like  "  Patience  on  a  monument 
smiling  " — although  he  tried  to  convince  us  that  he 
was  D.  Webster,  Esq.,  and  insisted  on  making  a 
speech  to  convince  us  that  he  "  still  lived." 

Never  before  had  I  seen  wine  of  such  tremendous 
power.  One  of  our  party  was  addressing  a  number 


TRIES     THE     VINTAGES.  311 

of  pint  bottles  alternately  as  "Fellow  citizens," 
'  Gentlemen  of  the  Jury,"  and  "  Ladies  of  the 
Committee." 

Another  had  seated  himself  in  a  small  puddle  of 
Still  Catawba  on  the  brick  floor,  and  was  calling  out 
for  soap,  towrels,  and  a  black  boy  to  scrub  his  shoulders. 

A  third  had  emptied  four  bottles  of  "  sparkling  " 
into  his  vest-pockets  to  take  home  to  the  children, 
and  put  the  fragments  of  the  glass  into  his  hat  under 
the  impression  that  they  were  hickory  nuts,  which 
he  tried  to  crack  with  the  carriage  lamps,  evidently 
supposing  them  to  be  nut-crackers. 

My  most  intimate  friend  was  trying  to  feed  the 
horse  some  oats,  by  which  appellation  he  called  a 
three-cornered  harrow  and  a  breaking-up  plough, 
and  had  filled  the  buggy  with  wild  flowers,  as  he 
supposed,  but  which  were,  in  reality,  two  year  old 
grape  vines,  which  he  had  pulled  up  by  the  roots. 

Did  not  allow  myself  to  become  affected  in  like 
manner,  as  I  had  to  spend  the  evening  with  the 
family  of  one  of  the  "  solid  men  "  of  Porkopolis,  an 
ardent  supporter  of  the  Maine  Law,  who  always 
keeps  a  large  variety  of  liquors  in  his  cellars,  and 
insists,  whenever  his  friends  spend  an  evening  with 

him,  on    making   them    pass    their    time   drinking 
13* 


312  DOESTICKS. 

whiskey-punch,  with  seven  whiskeys  to  one  water. 
Passed  a  delightful  evening,  called  the  children  by 
French  names,  mistook  the  piano  for  the  hat-rack, 
hung  my  hat  on  the  harp-pedal,  and  laid  my  gloves 
on  the  key-board.  Met  Damphool's  uncle  as  I  was 
going  to  the  hotel ;  he  had  brought  home  the  glass- 
pump,  thinking  it  was  our  carriage-whip,  but  was 
otherwise  sensible. 

Is  going  to  sell  his  vineyard,  and  turn  teetotaler. 


XXXV. 


ante  more.— 

in    ilr  colors. 


a  street  of  the  city,  not  more  than  four  miles 
from  the  City  Hall,  in  humble  imitation  of  the 
magnificent  temples  of  the  Drama  erected  by  am 
bitious  managers  in  more  pretentious  portions  of  the 
town,  the  sable  portion  of  our  population  have  also 
built  an  appropriate  mansion  wherein  is  supposed  to 
reside  the  dingy  Genius  of  Ebony  Theatricals. 

A  portrait  of  some  sable  Garrick  adorns  the  drop 
curtain ;  a  thick-lipped  lady  of  dark  complexion  on 
one  side  of  the  proscenium  represents  the  Goddess 
of  Tragedy ;  and  on  the  other  a  woolly-headed 
brunette  in  short  skirts  is  supposed  to  stand  for  the 
Goddess  of  Comedy. 

What  though  the  portrait  of  the  African  Koscius 
in  the  drop  centre,  instead  of  Classic  Koman  robes, 


314  DOESTICKS. 

is  attired  in  a  swallow-tailed  coat,  with  brass  buttons 
and  a  red  velvet  collar  ?  and  what  if  the  two  ladies 
before  mentioned  are  resplendent  in  sky-blue  dresses 
and  yellow  turbans  ?  perhaps  their  unusual  garb  is 
quite  as  appropriate  to  the  atmosphere  of  the  place, 
as  the  more  elaborate,  more  classic,  more  costly,  but 
considerably  less  gaudy  wardrobe  allotted  to  corre 
sponding  divinities  in  more  fashionable  Theatres. 

The  appointments  generally  at  this  place  might 
not  be  considered  very  tasteful  by  the  "  white  trash," 
who  get  their  ideas  of  propriety  from  Wallack's  or 
Burton's ;  but  any  impartial  observer  will  admit  that 
the  scenery  is  more  creditable  than  the  dirty  green 
and  brick-red  abomination  of  the  Metropolitan,  or 
the  paint  and  canvas  hash  with  Dutch  metal 
seasoning,  which  has  been  for  years  a  standing  dish 
at  the  Broadway,  and  which  is  still  served  up  nightly 
to  a  surfeited  audience. 

The  female  visitors  who  attend  the  delectable  per 
formances  of  the  talented  corps  of  this  colored  esta 
blishment,  do  not  make  themselves  quite  so  ridicu 
lous  with  their  dress  as  their  white  competitors,  but 
it  is  only  because  they  have  not  the  money  to  be  as 
fashionable  ;  the  desire  is  probably  fully  as  strong, 
but  the  cash  don't  hold  out. 


DESCRIPTIONS.  315 

And,  as  the  white  folks,  in  the  construction  of  their 
pieces  for  dramatic  representation,  sometimes  repre 
sent  in  a  peculiar  light  the  warmer  blooded  pas 
sions  of  their  "  dark  complected"  neighbors,  in 
retaliation  the  colored  dramatists  reverse  the  order 
and  make  the  white  men  in  their  drama  wait  upon 
the  colored  heroes,  black  their  boots,  groom  their 
imaginary  horses,  brush  their  coats,  and  perform  all 
the  varied  round  of  servile  duties  which  in  represen 
tatives  of  the  same  plays  by  white  men  are  assigned 
to  them. 

The  play  of  Othello  is  the  single  exception — they 
make  the  Venetian  warrior  a  white  man  in  a  red 
roundabout,  who  makes  fierce  love  to  Desdeniona, 
who  is  the  molasses- colored  child  of  a  respectable 
darkey  whitewasher. 

Lorgnettes,  Opera-hoods,  and  white  kids  are  not 
exhibited  here  in  such  prolusion  as  in  some  other 
places  of  amusement ;  on  the  contrary,  green  spec 
tacles,  sun-bonnets,  and  calico  dresses  are  rather  in 
the  ascendant. 

As  a  phase  of  city  life  which  does  not  often  turn 
its  side  to  the  public,  and  as  a  place  to  enjoy  an  un 
limited  amount  of  fun  for  a  little  money,  the  Church 
street  colored  Theatre  is  well  worth  visiting. 


316  DOESTICKS. 

A  grand  Sliakspearean  festival  was  lately  an 
nounced  to  come  off  here,  on  which  occasion  the  tra 
gedy  of  Macbeth  was  to  be  performed  with  "  all  the 
original  music,  new  and  gorgeous  scenery,  rich  and 
elegant  costumes,  magnificent  scenic  appointments, 
&c.,"  according  to  the  time-honored  "  gag"  in  such 
case  made  and  provided. 

The  novelty  of  seeing  a  black  Macbeth  with  the 
entire  tragedy  done  in  colors  by  the  best  artists,  pro 
mised  to  be  almost  as  good  a  burlesque  as  the  bearded 
Indian  exhibition  made  by  the  great  American  Tra 
gedian  at  the  Broadway  ;  and  so  with  a  varied  assort 
ment  of  friends  I  started  to  witness  the  unusual  spec 
tacle  of  a  Bowery  darkey  representing  a  Scotch  king. 

Paid  the  entrance  fee  all  in  dimes,  as  the  door 
keeper  couldn't  read  the  Counterfeit  Detector,  and 
wouldn't  take  bills  for  fear  he  would  get  stuck  with 
bad  money. 

Orchestra  consisted  of  a  bass-drum,  one  violin,  and 
a  cornet-a-piston.  Seats,  new  benches  with  coffee- 
sacks  spread  over  those  constituting  the  Dress  Circle. 

Orchestra  essayed  the  Prima  Donna  "Waltz,  which 
gradually  degenerated  into  "  Wait  for  the  Wagon," 
and  concluded  in  "  Few  Days." 

Great  deal  of  whispering  and  shuffling  about  be- 


SEES     MACBETH.  317 

hind  the  scenes,  a  great  deal  of  emphatic  ordering 
about  from  the  unseen  prompter,  who  was  trying,  as 
nearly  as  I  could  judge,  to  have  Macduff  take  his 
chew  of  tobacco  out  of  his  mouth,  and  at  last  the 
curtain  rolled  up. 

Macbeth  was  a  fat  gentleman  of  jetty  hue  who 
might  have  been  head-cook  at  Delmonico's  for  twenty 
years,  and  who  would,  had  he  been  subjected  to  a 
melting  process,  have  furnished  soap  and  candles 
enough  for  a  small  chandlery  business. 

"Whether  he  intended  to  give  the  tragedy  a  gastro- 
nomical  interpretation  or  not  is  uncertain,  but  it  is 
a  veritable  fact  that  he  dressed  the  character  in  a 
cook's  apron,  had  a  paper  cap  with  a  long  turkey 
feather  in  it  on  his  head,  his  steel  by  his  side,  a 
butcher-knife  in  his  hand,  and  the  cover  of  the  soup- 
pot  for  a  shield. 

Macduff  was  attired  more  like  a  Lake  Superior 
Indian  than  anything  else,  with  a  superfluity  of  red 
flannel  fringe,  and  silver  rings  in  his  ears  and  nose. 

Lady  Macbeth  rejoiced  in  a  tin  crown  with  seven 
points,  each  one  with  a  crescent  on  top,  brass-heeled 
gaiters,  a  dress  with  a  purple  waist,  and  a  green 
baize  train,  two  cameo  bracelets,  and  lemon-colored 
kid  gloves. 


318  DOESTICKS. 

Old  King  Duncan  was  a  young  man  who  seemed 
to  labor  under  the  impression  that  to  support  his 
royal  dignity  it  was  only  necessary  to  grin  inces 
santly,  and  turn  his  toes  in  when  he  walked ;  his 
royal  highness  had  011  a  high  hat  with  a  red  feather, 
plaid  pantaloons  (being  the  only  symptom  of  Scotch 
costume  visible  during  the  evening),  and  an  embroi 
dered  vest,  through  which,  as  he  wore  no  coat,  the 
sleeves  of  his  blue  shirt  appeared  in  agreeable  con 
trast  ;  he  sported  a  silver  watch,  four  seal  rings,  an 
opera  glass,  and  a  gold-headed  cane. 

All  the  other  characters  were  dressed  with  equal 
regard  to  propriety  and  elegance  of  costume,  and 
with  equal  disregard  to  expense. 

The  warlike  paraphernalia  were  on  the  same  ap 
propriate  scale ;  instead  of  Scottish  claymores  and 
basket-hilted  swords,  muskets  were  introduced  which 
had  probably  seen  service  in  some  target  company, 
until  too  battered  and  damaged  for  further  use; 
shields  were  dispensed  with  except  in  the  single  case 
of  Macduff, — instead  of  daggers,  many  were  pro 
vided  with  horse-pistols,  and  one  aspiring  individual 
had  a  sword-cane  and  a  slung-shot. 

Several  of  the  "  supes"  were  painted  like  Indians, 
and  carried  banners  made  of  horse-blankete,  nailed 


DESCRIBES     THE     CHARACTERS.         319 

to  barrel  staves — the  three  witches  had  each  a  hoe 
and  a  stable-fork,  and  Hecate  was  equipped  with 
a  straw-hat  and  a  pair  of  linen  drawers  put  on  hind- 
side  foremost. 

The  play  commenced,  and  every  thing  proceeded 
in  the  greatest  harmony  until  the  caldron  scene, 
when  the  apparitions,  instead  of  rising  through  the 
trap  into  the  caldron,  deliberately  crawled  from  the 
ring  on  their  hands  and  knees,  and  stuck  their  heads 
through  a  hole  in  a  board  which  was  painted  in  ad 
mirable  imitation  of  a  dinnerpot,  and  delivered  their 
prophetic  speeches  in  a  huge  whisper  to  the  anxious 
Thane. 

The  apparition  of  a  "  child's  head  crowned,"  as  the 
stage  direction  reads,  was  done  by  a  fat  piccaninny, 
who  was  drawn  on  screaming  and  kicking  in  a  wil 
low  basket  by  a  hidden  rope,  and  the  speech  was 
read  by  the  prompter,  who  squatted  down  behind 
the  basket,  and  held  his  hand  over  the  baby's  mouth 
in  a  vain  effort  to  stop  his  noise. 

During  this  scene  Macbeth,  who  was  too  obese  to 
stand  for  so  long  a  time  comfortably,  seated  himself 
composedly  on  a  three-legged  stool  which  did  duty 
afterwards  as  a  throne, — and  in  fact,  whenever  during 
the  performance  he  found  himself  incommoded  by 


320  DOESTICKS. 

the  warmth,  he  would  sit  flat  down  on  the  most  con 
venient  resting-place. 

His  rendering  of  the  dagger  scene  was  peculiarly 
original — he  took  his  butcher-knife,  tied  it  by  a  tow 
string  to  a  pitch-fork  which  he  stuck  in  the  middle 
of  the  stage,  sat  flat  down  on  the  floor  before  it,  and 
proceeded  to  deliver  the  speech  with  great  force  and 
emotion ;  pausing  occasionally  to  mop  his  forehead 
with  a  yellow  bandana  handkerchief,  and  refresh 
himself  by  long  sips  from  a  pewter  mug  of  beer 
which  he  had  bestowed  in  his  original  shield. 

The  rest  of  the  company  got  along  very  well,  ma 
naging  the  removal  of  Birnam  wood  in  rather  a 
unique  manner — when  the  soldier  spoke  of  a  "  mov 
ing  wood"  a  back  scene  opened  and  discovered  four 
darkies  carrying  pine  kindling  wood  from  a  wagon 
with  a  jackass  team,  down  cellar  into  a  coal-hole. 

Whenever  an  actor  forgot  his  part  the  prompter 
would  rush  out  from  his  hiding  place,  put  the  offend 
ing  artist  in  the  proper  position,  read  his  lines  for 
him,  and  suddenly  disappear,  until  some  fresh  delin 
quency  called  for  another  shirt-sleeve  advent. 

Matters  progressed  towards  the  close  of  the  piece 
— Lady  Macbeth  had  played  the  lighted  candle 
scene  (using  a  bed-lamp,  a  candle  not  being  forth- 


VIEWS     THE     DEATH     SCENE.  321 

coming) — had  made  her  last  exit,  leaving  the  green 
baize  train,  which  had  come  untied,  in  the  middle  of 
the  stage,  a  sad  memorial  of  her  fate — the  soldiers 
had  met  in  a  pitched  battle  (every  "  Supe"  had  in 
sisted  on  dying  a  death  of  his  own,  in  order  to  dis 
play  his  tragic  genius),  and  had  expired  in  various 
uncomfortable  positions ;  one  sitting  up  against  the 
flat,  with  his  leg  through  a  trap-door,  and  his  mouth 
open,  and  another  with  his  head  through  a  bushel 
basket  which  he  had  brought  on  to  use  as  a  shield — 
all  the  minor  business  of  the  piece  was  got  along 
with,  and  it  only  remained  for  Macduff  and  the 
rotund  Macbeth  to  have  their  fight,  say  their  say, 
die  their  die,  and  finish  the  play. 

They  entered  arm  in  arm,  being  evidently  deter 
mined,  like  prize-fighters,  to  do  their  "  bloody  busi 
ness"  amicably,  and  as  old  friends  ought. 

Macduff  remarked  to  the  audience  that  they  were 
going  to  "  settle  that  little  quarrel" — they  then  pro 
ceeded  to  strip  for  the  contest. 

Macduff  retired  to  one  corner  and  pulled  off  his 
boots  and  spectacles,  Macbeth  went  to  another  and 
laid  down  his  jacket  and  shield — then  they  met  in  the 
middle,  shook  hands — one  flourished  a  long  toasting- 


322  DOE  STICKS. 

fork — the  other  wielded  a  rolling-pin — Macbeth 
made  the  last  speech  as  follows — 

"Come  on!!!  Macduff  be  damned!!!"  both 
pitched  in — first  round,  toasting-fork  ahead,  rolling- 
pin  in  the  corner  with  his  nose  bloody — second  round, 
toasting-fork  knocks  rolling-pin  through  a  parlor 
scene  and  falls  back  exhausted — third  round,  both 
come  to  time  with  difficulty,  toaster  hits  roller  in  the 
stomach,  roller  shies  his  weapon  at  toaster's  head, 
toaster  spears  at  roller's  toes,  and  breaks  his  fork. 

All  their  munitions  of  war  being  exhausted,  they 
close  in  an  expiring  wrestle,  and  Macbeth  eventu 
ally  dies,  having  first  in  the  terrific  struggle  suffered 
amputation  of  the  pantaloons  immediately  above 
both  knees. 

Macduff  recovers  his  rolling-pin,  and  stands  over 
the  conquered  Macbeth  in  a  grand  saw-buck  attitude 
of  victory  and  triumph. 


XXXVI. 

goung  gtmctint  in  f  ong  grosses—  ©rest 
i\\t\\i  in 


late  grand  convention  of  precocious  and 
pinguid  children,  created  such  a  stir  through 
out  the  country,  that  the  news,  by  some  unknown 
conveyance,  penetrated  even  to  the  obscure  Wolve 
rine  hamlet  wherein  Damphool  had  for  four  months 
been  content  to  vegetate.  The  infantile  humbug 
promised  something  new  in  the  way  of  sight-seeing, 
and  as  he  desired  to  meet  all  his  relatives  and  name 
sakes  who  would  be  certain  to  be  present  on  that 
eventful  occasion,  and  wished  to  improve  this  noble 
opportunity  of  contemplating  the  infant  Damphools 
of  the  country,  who  were  to  be  there  exhibited  by 
their  stultified  progenitors,  he  took  the  next  train  of 
cars  and  started  for  Gotham,  to  view  this  first  con 
gress  of  rudimentary  "  humans." 

His  immediate  care,  on  reaching  the  city,  was  to 


324:  DOESTICKS. 

repair  to  the  establishment  where  I,  his  former 
friend,  am  generally  to  be  found, — having  discovered 
the  object  of  his  search,  he  had  some  considerable 
difficulty  in  convincing  me  of  the  utility  of  such  a 
show,  or  the  absolute  necessity  that  existed  of  visit 
ing  such  a  promiscuous  assemblage  of  everybody's 
brats ;  and  paying  twenty-five  cents  to  hear  a 
squalling  chorus  by  the  unregulated  voices  of  the 
young  ones,  and  to  view  the  prolific  women  who  had 
so  increased  the  population  of  the  country,  in  some 
cases  by  as  many  as  four  at  a  single  litter. 

I  had  some  old  fashioned  notions  that  babies 
should  be  kept  at  home,  and  allowed  to  take  their 
necessary  allowance  of  nutriment,  and  soil  their 
^m-necessary  allowance  of  linen  (a  baby  is  always 
wrapped  up  in  cloth  enough  to  full-rig  a  topsail 
schooner,  from  the  middle  of  which  its  insignificant 
head  sticks  out,  like  a  lap-dog  which  has  been  rolled 
up  by  mistake  in  the  parlor  carpet),  within  the 
limits  of  the  domestic  circle  ;  and  not  paraded  before 
the  public  to  perform  these  pleasing  functions  in  the 
presence  of  an  assemblage,  composed  in  great  part, 
of  modest  young  men  and  bashful  maidens,  unini 
tiated  as  yet,  in  the  mysteries  of  baby  life. 

After  laboring  for  some  time  to  convince  me  that 


VISITS     THE     BABY     SHOW.  325 

adolescent  and  embryo  human  stock  is  as  legitimate 
a  subject  of  exhibition  as  any  other  animals,  and 
that  fecund  mothers  and  high-blooded  fathers  should 
be  as  much  brought  into  public  notice  as  brood 
mares,  or  imported  Durham  cattle ;  and  that  public 
displays  of  fine  children,  and  a  discussion  of  the  mode 
of  rearing  and  training  them,  and  an  interchange  of 
sentiments  on  these  important  points  between  those 
of  most  experience  in  the  matter,  would  tend  to  the 
great  physical  improvement  of  the  human  race,  I 
was  so  far  satisfied  that  I  agreed  to  go  and  witness 
the  latest  effort  of  the  "Great  American  Showman" 
to  get  up  a  sensation. 

Went  to  the  entrance  of  the  place  of  exhibition, 
took  a  look  at  the  show-bills  below,  and  the  huge 
painting  above,  which  represented  in  the  most  pro 
minent  rainbow  hues  the  supposed  appearance  of  the 
infant  wonders — at  the  waxen  boy  in  a  scratch  wig 
and  full  suit  of  Young  America  clothes,  and  the 
impassible  girl  of  like  material,  whose  Cereous  head 
was  covered  with  such  a  crop  of  hempen  curls  that 
if  woven  into  a  rope  it  would  have  been  long  enough 
to  hang  half  the  rogues  in  the  city ;  which  two 
infant  prodigies  were  the  contribution  of  some  enter 
prising  hair-dresser  and  wig-maker,  and  were  most 


DOES  TICKS. 

industriously  revolving  beneath  two  glass  cases  in 
the  hall  in  front  of  the  paying  place,  and  whose 
striking  beauty  was  presumed  to  be  all-powerful  to 
arrest  the  attention  of  the  hurrying  multitude  and 
make  them  lay  down  their  quarters  and  take  a  peep 
at  the  exhibition  whether  they  would  or  no  ;  having, 
I  say,  taken  a  bird's  eye  glance  at  all  these,  we  laid 
down  our  money  (Damphool  paid  for  both)  and 
entered. 

Tremendous  crowd — hurried  in — got  my  toes 
annihilated,  my  hat  smashed  in,  and  my  shirt  collar 
reduced  to  the  dimensions  and  appearance  of  a  slimy 
dishcloth,  in  less  than  a  minute. 

Forced  our  way  up  to  the  platform.  Saw  a  num 
ber  of  complacent  mothers '  with  movable  fronts  to 
their  dresses,  sitting  side  by  side  on  an  elevated 
plank,  holding  their  babies  in  their  laps  (each  one 
having  a  stock  of  baby  linen  handy,  and  a  huge 
bucket  of  some  liquid  to  me  unknown,  but  which 
looked  like  starch,  within  reach,  and  which  every 
now  and  then  they  poured  into  the  faces  of  the 
specimen  babies  who  lay  with  their  wide  mouths  open 
like  so  many  young  robins)  casting  jealous  glances 
at  each  other,  tender  glances  on  their  young  charges, 
and  appealing  glances  at  the  crowd  before  them. 


DESCRIBES     THE     BABIES.  327 

The  youngest  babies  were  dressed  in  unaccustomed 
clean  clothes,  in  which,  as  they  were  unused  to  such 
style  of  garments,  they  looked  ten  times  dirtier  than 
ever — they  had  a  profusion  of  green  and  blue  ribbons 
on  their  frocks,  which  they  kept  in  their  mouths  all 
the  time — their  faces  were  full  of  wrinkles,  their  eyes 
were  watery  and  weak,  and  their  pug-noses  seemed 
to  be  living  fountains. 

Other  babies  under  the  required  age  (±  years), 
decked  out  in  all  sorts  of  colors,  and  with  dresses 
made  universally  in  most  execrably  bad  taste,  were 
standing  on  some  of  the  other  platforms,  or  running 
about  amongst  the  crowd,  daubing  themselves  and 
those  indiscreet  and  enthusiastic  persons  who 
attempted  to  handle  them,  with  half-dissolved  candy, 
and  sticky  gingerbread.  And  occasionally  getting 
up  a  fight  among  themselves — where  little  fists 
would  unceremoniously  visit  little  eyes,  and  little 
feet  would  indulge  in  a  series  of  energetic  little  kicks, 
and  little  fingers  would  pull  out  little  bunches  of 
little  curls,  and  little  voices  would  give  a  course  of 

most  discordant  screams  (which  were  little,  but ), 

and  so  the  little  Tom  Hyers  would  amuse  them 
selves  until  separated  by  some  courageous  indivi 
dual  who  dared  to  touch  the  little  monsters. 
14 


328  DOESTICK8. 

I  stepped  up  to  a  lady  to  ask  the  age  of  a  baby 
which  she  had  in  her  maternal  arms,  when  I  found 
myself  instantly  a  centre  of  baby  attraction — babies 
seemed  to  pitch  into  me  from  all  directions — a  baby 
poked  its  fingers  into  my  eye,  a  baby  put  sugar 
on  my  ruined  shirt,  a  baby  daubed  gruel  on  my 
white  vest,  a  baby  filled  my  kid  glove  with  milk,  a 
baby  dropped  something  done  up  in  a  rag  down  my 
neck,  and  a  baby  of  huge  dimensions  and  unre 
deemed  ugliness  amused  itself  by  filling  my  hat  full 
of  playthings  which  it  appropriated  from  the  weaker 
babies  on  either  side.  So  that  I  found  in  that 
article  of  apparel  a  tin  whistle,  three  dolls,  a  sugar 
house,  a  miniature  I^oah's  Ark  with  all  the  animals, 
a  rattle-box,  a  hair-brush,  and  two  india-rubber 
balls. 

Tried  to  get  out  of  the  muss,  but  a  baby  was  pull 
ing  my  coat-tails,  and  a  four-year  old  baby  stood  upon 
each  foot  improving  the  pattern  of  my  white  pants 
by  wiping  their  dirty  hands  thereon.  I  stepped 
back  and  knocked  over  a  baby,  I  rushed  forward 
and  stepped  on  a  baby,  I  leaped  to  one  side  and 
crushed  a  small  baby  in  a  pink  dress,  I  sprung  to 
the  other  and  crushed  a  fat  baby  and  its  nurse 
against  the  wall.  I  tried  to  escape  from  the  room 


SPEAKS     OF     THE     PRIZES.  329 

but  tumbled  over  a  baby, — recovered  my  feet  and 
started  again,  but  babies  got  between  rny  legs  and 
tripped  me  down-stairs,  where  I  landed  in  an 
exhausted  condition,  which  was  by  no  means  im 
proved  by  a  careless  woman  dropping  her  baby 
directly  on  my  head  from  the  fourth-story. 

Saw  the  distribution  of  prizes, — first  prize  given  to 
an  Irish  baby  with  a  stub  nose  ;  second,  to  a  Dutch 
ditto,  with  eyes  of  different  colors  ;  and  all  the  rest 
to  the  very  babies  who  ought  not  to  have  had  any, 
but  deserved  to  be  spanked  and  sent  to  bed  until 
they  should  grow  decent  looking. 

Xot  a  good-looking  baby  got  a  prize,  and  the 
very  ones  who  should  have  taken  the  premiums  were 
sent  home  without  having  their  expenses  paid. 

The  $100  prize  baby  did  not  amount  to  much 
after  all.  Xot  a  young  couple  who  saw  it  but 
thought  they  could  do  better  in  less  than  a  year ; 
and  the  mothers  of  those  babies  who  didn't  get  any 
thing  thought  they  could  beat  it  on  six  months' 
notice. 

Those  industrious  ladies  who  desired  to  rear  a  large 
family  in  the  shortest  time  possible,  and  so  had  pro 
duced  three  or  four  children  at  a  birth,  were  all 
rewarded  by  the  Great  Showman  for  their  extra 


330  DOESTICKS. 

pains  and  labors,  and  all  went  home  triumphant 
with  a  premium  for  fecundity,  and  money  enough 
to  buy  flannel  for  all  the  brood. 

Everybody  said  the  baby  show  was  a  humbug — 
but  everybody  went  to  see  it.  Everybody  said  it 
was  disgusting,  but  everybody  paid  his  twenty-five 
cents  to  be  disgusted,  and  everybody  was  disgusted 
to  his  heart's  content. 

~No  one  was  perfectly  satisfied  except  the  mothers 
of  the  lucky  babies,  and  the  proprietor  of  the  entire 
concern,  who  made  a  small  fortune  by  the  operation. 

The  excitement  is  now  over,  the  public  have  seen 
the  sight,  the  press  has  had  its  say,  the  women  have 
shown  their  babies,  Damphool  has  gone  back  to  the 
country,  and  the  world  is  once  more  comparatively 
quiet. 

No  other  so  great  excitement  will  agitate  the 
world  until  next  year,  when  the  Great  Showman 
intends  to  revive  the  subject,  and  show  the  world 
the  modus  operand!  of  baby  birth,  with  illustrations 
by  the  mothers  of  the  babies  who  took  the  prizes 
this  year,  and  who  in  another  twelve-month  will 
probably  have  no  shame  at  all  in  the  matter,  and 
will  stick  at  nothing.  Let  us  wait,  and  hope. 


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